Chapter 36 Maia
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
MAIA
My phone was currently turned off and hidden in a shoebox in my dressing room.
Honestly, I was just too in shock, too busy spiraling, to think about it.
Which was why my parents had shown up at my door last night.
All I could do was cry. I couldn’t speak.
Until Dad asked where Baird was and I somehow managed to choke out that I’d broken it off with him.
They had questions, but the pain in my chest was so bad I thought I was going to be sick.
They hadn’t wanted to leave me, but they had to get home for Lockie, and truthfully, I needed space. Dad was so furious at Mum that his anger hurt me as much as it soothed me.
When they left, I cried so hard I did throw up, and it was at that point I knew I needed to find a way to calm down.
I tried some mindfulness techniques Beth had taught me, but every time my head grew quiet, a sentence from the article would pop up, breaking my heart all over again.
Or I’d hear Baird’s gaffer loudly telling him he needed to dump me or he’d lose his place at the club.
Terror had filled me in that moment.
Of ruining Baird the way my mum seemed to ruin everyone in her orbit.
I wouldn’t be the reason he lost the thing that made him feel safe. The club was his home.
I didn’t feel worthy enough to sacrifice that for.
In fact, I felt … small and unclean, just like I used to when I was young and everyone whispered behind my back about how I was the kid of a junkie.
About how my mum would have sex with anyone who could get her a hit.
There were even rumors that she sold me out for sex, so boys at school used to proposition me, say disgusting things I didn’t even understand until I was older. I hadn’t yet told Baird that part.
Everything I’d worked so hard to forget, to leave behind, had been wiped away in the space of a few minutes.
But this time it wasn’t because I was the child of an addict.
It was because I was the child of a woman who put me through that, made me feel guilty for not being able to deal with an addiction that was beyond her control, and then when she got clean …
she still sold me out. She sold lies and sob stories about her own flesh and blood, and for what? A payday?
All these years I’d blamed heroin for taking my mum from me.
But she’d been clean for years and not only had she not sought me out, she had betrayed me. She used me.
And Baird. Now he was tarnished by association.
That’s what Fred Burbank thought. Maybe even his teammates. The public definitely thought that.
That night, I barely slept, tossing and turning between crying jags. Wishing she still didn’t have the power to hurt me this much. Crying for Bear. Missing him. Missing his big arms around me, making me feel safe and loved … and worthy.
It took everything I had to call in sick to work, grateful it was Eli I spoke to and not my boss. They tried to talk to me, reassure me, but I cut them off, hanging up rudely. Hopefully they understood.
My heart leapt into my throat at the loud pounding on my door at 9:00 a.m. Part of me hoped it was Baird and the other part knew I’d crumble to pieces if it was.
It wasn’t him.
Beth, Lily, and January stood on the other side of my door.
“What are you doing here?”
“You weren’t answering your phone.” Beth pushed in, throwing her arms around me in a tight hug.
That was all it took for me to burst into tears.
A wee while later, we sat in my living room. I’d finally stopped crying, and Lily had made me a hot cup of tea. Beth sat by my side, her arm still around me, while the girls waited patiently for me to talk.
Even January was uncharacteristically serious. Not so uncharacteristically, she was beyond pissed off with my mum.
Feeling terrible that I’d worried them so much that they’d ditched their work and school to come check on me, I turned my phone back on.
“Just don’t look at social media,” Lily advised. “At the end of the day, strangers’ opinions about you are not your business.”
I knew her words were wise, and I really tried to let them sink in. Yet, Baird’s boss wasn’t a stranger and, unfortunately, his opinion was my business. My boss was not a stranger, and it mattered to me what Pennington’s thought about all of this. I was terrified to find out.
Thankfully, I’d turned off my social media notifications weeks ago because of the campaign. I did have texts and missed calls. So many from Baird, I started to cry silently. Then my heart lurched in my throat at a text from an unknown number.
Three years we were together, and you didn’t tell me about your mum. No wonder. Not so superior now, My? Guess I made the right choice.
I sucked in a breath at the callous text, and Beth peered at my screen.
“Is that from Will?” Her tone was low with fury.
Nodding, I blocked his number.
“What is it?”
Beth relayed what the text had said, and the room went chilly with their anger.
Jan seethed. “I’m definitely breaking into his flat and leaving a dead fish in his closet.”
“I still have a spare key.”
Her eyes sparkled. “Nice.”
“I can’t believe I was going to marry that prick.”
“You never would have.” Beth rubbed my shoulder. “My, you didn’t tell him about your mum because deep down you must have known that would be his arsehole response.”
“Did … did you tell Baird?” Lily asked tentatively.
My lips trembled and the sob escaped as I nodded.
“And I bet he was lovely about it,” Beth guessed.
All I could do was nod again, my chest aching so badly, it felt like it might actually be in the midst of cracking.
“Oh, My.” She pressed her forehead to my temple. “Did something happen with Baird?”
Through fits and starts and sobs and whispers, I told them what happened with the call from his gaffer and me immediately shutting him out.
“Look.” I handed Beth my phone, tapping the screen so she could see how many missed calls and texts there were from him.
“You should talk to him.” She pushed the phone back to me. “Call him.”
“Why? So he can give up everything he loves just so I don’t feel like shit? He would, you know. But then one day, he might wake up and realize he gave up everything for someone who didn’t deserve that kind of sacrifice.”
“Of course you do!” Jan huffed. “Nah, you can’t talk about yourself like that, My.”
Lily placed a hand on her knee to quiet her. Then she turned to me. “This is about your mum and how she made you feel?”
I shrugged, feeling the oily shame of my mum’s behavior all over again.
“Maia, you know that the people who really matter don’t believe you are your mum.
And I know you’ll have very complicated feelings about her addiction and how she got sober and didn’t get in touch only to do this to you, but good people won’t judge you for that.
I know I don’t. Her actions aren’t a reflection on you.
They’re a reflection on her. You know that, right? ”
I stared at my sweet, sweet cousin, a lump of pain constricting my throat.
“That’s how you see it, Lily. But that’s not how I’ve been treated.
Growing up, I was treated like scum because of my mum.
I hated her and I hated myself for hating her when I know this addiction was beyond her control.
But it turns out she got clean. She got clean after I was gone.
What does that say about our relationship?
Was I the reason for her addiction in the first place?
“And maybe I could understand her not reaching out because it might have been too much for her … but I will never understand or forgive her for vilifying me publicly. For money. We haven’t spoken in fifteen years, and she betrayed me for what?
A thousand quid at most? I hate her for that.
And it hurts. It really hurts. And I hate her for how people will look at me because of her.
Like … I’m trash. Either because of her addiction …
or because I left her behind because of her addiction. I’m trash either way.”
Beth sucked in a breath. “Please don’t call yourself that. You are not that, and who cares about people who don’t matter?”
Lily eyed me thoughtfully. “I don’t think the problem is what other people think.
I think the problem is that her inability to fight her addiction to be the mother you needed has made you feel like you are less than.
That you are unworthy. And then she goes and chooses money, and not very much at that, to sell you out, reinforcing those old feelings. ”
My chest heaved as her words hit their target, and I buried my face in my hands to cover my shame, because I despised that she was right.
“Oh, My.” Beth pulled me into her arms, stroking my hair. “That’s not true. You have to know that’s not true.”
“Baird adores you.” Jan’s voice hitched, and I glanced over through my tears to see she was wiping her own from her cheeks. “He looks at you like you’re his whole world. Let him be here for you through this.”
“I can’t.” I shook my head, wiping at my snotty nose and cheeks as I pulled from Beth’s embrace.
“I love him too much to watch him throw everything away for me.” Sucking in a huge gulp of air, I tried to take calming breaths.
“I love you girls. Really. And I know you mean well, but I have to end this before he gets hurt any more than he already has been.” Determination cut through my pain.
“I need to go to Pennington’s and tell them the campaign is over. I need to fix this for him.”
Jan’s face turned red with apparent frustration “You’re making a mistake.”
“When you fall in love, Jan … you’ll understand. You’ll do just about anything to protect that person. Even if it means walking away.”
Jan pushed to her feet, shoving her shoes back on.
“Sorry, My. I love you, but I can’t stick around to listen to this martyr BS.
And I say this with all the tough love in the world, but, girl, you should talk to someone.
A therapist. Or your childhood trauma is going to fuck up the rest of your life.
” She leaned over and pressed a quick kiss to the top of my head, I think to soften the blow of her words, before she strode out of my apartment.
Stunned, I gaped at Lily who sighed heavily. Is that what she thought too? Her opinion meant a lot to me, not just because she was one of the most levelheaded, kindest people I knew but because Lily was in postgrad to become a psychotherapist. “My sister can be blunt. Sorry.”
But was she right?
“I hate to sound like a therapist-to-be.” Lily cocked her head in thought. “But … I have to ask if you truly believe Baird thinks you’re unworthy.”
“Of course not.” I shook my head. “He makes me feel special every day.”
“But you think you know better? That you’re a bad person?”
I frowned. “Well … no.”
“That you would not be a supportive wife?”
“Of course I’d be a supportive wife.”
“So, you wouldn’t cheat on him?”
“Never!” I was affronted by the suggestion.
“You wouldn’t shut him out when you were having a bad day?”
“No, he always gets it out of me.”
“So, you wouldn’t judge him if he ended up in a career where he wasn’t making as much money as he is now?”
“Lily, you know me better than that. I’d take Baird no matter what he does for a living. Though, stripping might bother me.” I made a face at Beth, who chuckled.
“What if his swimmers don’t work and he can’t give you kids?”
I frowned and shrugged. “We’d adopt.”
She raised an eyebrow. “A tabloid printed a story in the paper saying he’d cheated on you?”
My heart lurched at the thought, but I couldn’t imagine a world in which Baird would do that. He was big on loyalty. I knew now how tabloids could twist lies into fake truths. “I’d give him the benefit of the doubt,” I answered with true honesty.
“His mum got ill and needed to stay with you?”
“Then she’d stay with us. I’d hope he’d feel the same way if it was my dad or Grace.”
Lily smiled. “I think you sound like the kind of fiancée every guy would feel lucky to have. Listen back to everything you just said, Maia … and can you honestly tell me you don’t deserve Baird? That you wouldn’t be the right choice for him if he had to choose?”
I gaped at her as Beth laughed quietly at my side. “You are very sneaky, Lily Sawyer.”
“She’s going to make a hell of a therapist.” Beth beamed at her proudly.
Lily’s olive cheeks flushed but she shrugged. “Sometimes we get something so stuck in our minds and hearts, we can’t see the woods for the trees.”
Slowly, I nodded, letting her wisdom sink in. “I … I still think I need to end the campaign. Baird deserves the chance to have more time to decide without the pressure of something that seems so shallow now.”
“Your career was on the line,” Beth reminded me. “That’s not shallow.”
“Now his is. And maybe … maybe ending the campaign will be enough for the club owner. Once everything dies down …” Hope blossomed in my chest. “We’ll be able to be together again.”