5. Jordan
5
JORDAN
I was angry, but I was trying not to be. I couldn’t fault Hartley. He was only attempting to help me. But it also felt like I was being treated differently. Like I couldn’t handle my own shit. To be fair, I wasn’t the best at this kind of thing, and Hartley knew that.
“Fuck,” I growled as I paced my office.
Vail was still in bed sleeping. Ava had a rough night and was up in tears. Vail was the only one who could get close to her. This morning, I was ready to call the school and say she wasn’t going. However, she insisted she wanted to. Her friends were a support system for her.
Hartley had gone to his studio. He knew I wasn’t thrilled with him, but he took it in stride by kissing and hugging me more than normal. Who the fuck was I kidding? I couldn’t be mad at him for long. I loved him too damn much.
Then there was the matter of the trip we were supposed to leave for today. We put it off for two weeks so we could get Ava a bit more settled. I’d rescheduled with my pilot, as well as the accommodations I booked down there. By what Hartley had described, staying in his grandfather’s home wasn’t smart. If it was as run-down as he said, I didn’t need the roof collapsing on us while we slept. Although it held up for this long.
I turned on my heel and strode from my office, down the hall, and into the kitchen to refill my mug with coffee. My son was late. I hated tardiness. If anyone could do it, I could. But I didn’t tolerate it from others, especially my son. He knew better and was probably doing it to piss me off. So much for him visiting to show me he was supportive. There was also the matter of him trying to tell me I shouldn’t feel guilty, as Hartley and Vail also said. Until they’d lived in my mind, I would feel all the guilt I wanted.
“Sir?” Raiden called.
“Yes?”
“JJ’s on his way up.”
I nodded and reached for the cabinet where the liquor was to pour some into my coffee. I might have been soft with Hartley and Vail. Opening my arms for my son to comfort me wasn’t going to fucking happen. Liquor was required to get through this shit.
The elevator arrived and Tahoe suddenly startled, awakening from the deep sleep he was in. He usually woke when a visitor was announced, but he must have been tired from being up during the night with Ava and Vail. While I didn’t like animals on my bed, if Ava wanted Tahoe on hers, I was fine with it. Hell, I’d buy her a puppy if it made her feel better.
Tahoe planted his ass with his eyes on the elevator. His tail whooshed slowly from side to side, sweeping the marble floor. The moment JJ was fully revealed, Tahoe’s tail kicked up to warp speed. I was surprised he didn’t take off.
My son’s grin as he greeted the dog by crouching down made me want to buy him a puppy too. Fuck’s sake. I might as well find a breeder and buy a damn litter of them.
When my son looked my way, his eyebrows bunched as he stood. “What’s with you? Did you suck on a lemon? You look miserable.”
“Did you ever want a pet growing up?”
“Like a dog?”
“Anything.”
“There was that one time I had a goldfish, and it died a week later.”
I cocked my head. “Who bought you a fish?”
“Uncle Perry.” Huh, I didn’t remember that.
“You never wanted more?”
“I couldn’t keep a fucking fish alive. Why would I want to do the same to something bigger? Plus, we didn’t exactly live the lives of people who had pets. There was always too much going on. Not enough time.” What he wasn’t saying was that I didn’t have time for him, which was true. I worked day and night, sacrificing relationships in favor of growing my business.
“I’m—”
“Don’t. I didn’t come here for apologies, nor do I need them.” He stepped toward me, stopping a couple of feet away. “When are you going to let go of what happened? I’m a grown man, no longer the child who needs that from you.”
“You still need me though,” I whispered, hating the way emotion bled into my tone.
“Not in the way you think. I don’t need you to offer comfort or tell me you’ll buy me whatever I need. I have Greer and Dex for that. What I’d like is for you to be yourself. Not the person you show the world. Not the shrewd business owner or the boss who knows the ins and outs of every illegal side of the city. I want you to be open with me like you are with Vail and Hartley. Not in the same way, obviously, but you’re different with them. When you don’t think anyone is looking, you let your guard down. The moment you think someone is paying attention, walls go up left and right. What I want is for you to let your guard down in front of me and my partners. If there’s anyone you can trust outside of the men you love, it’s me and the ones I’m with. We won’t hurt you.”
I swallowed thickly, trying to force down the rise of that damn lump in my throat. “It’s not that easy.”
“No, I imagine it isn’t. But you’re getting better. You’ve relaxed more with them.”
“And you don’t see a problem with that?”
Jordan sighed. “I get that this is an old conversation. You can’t show that you’re soft. You do realize you’re not telling the general population, right? At some point, let the fuck go and trust us.”
Taking my cup of coffee, I walked into the living room, expecting him to follow me, which he did. I sat down and took a hefty swig, letting the alcohol blaze a caffeine laden path down my throat.
Tahoe walked over to sit next to my feet so I could scratch his head. The dog was spoiled. There was always someone with him. On the days when the three of us weren’t here and none of the regular guards were in the home, Barry usually took Tahoe to work with him. Tahoe was getting to know everyone in the building. There was an ever-growing pile of new toys for him to play with. The damn dog had more people in his affection than Vail did, and that was saying something.
The dog laid down, grabbing a plush red heart that had a smiley face on it. Tahoe kept it in his mouth as he rolled onto his back, exposing his stomach for me to scratch. I did. Briefly.
“See,” my son said, sitting next to me. “Tahoe knows you’re a good man. Animals can sense a lot about people. He likes you.”
“Lovely. Just what I need. A dog who recognizes how fucking soft I am.”
“God, you need to stop. No one gives a shit if you’re soft when you’re at home. Hell, you’re a better boss for it. Having compassion and understanding isn’t a bad thing. Haven’t you figured out the more you connect with them, the more loyal they’ll be to you? Barry would follow you to hell and back.”
“Barry has proven his loyalty time and again.”
“Right, but if you constantly treated him like shit, he wouldn’t stay. I don’t care how good the money is. There’s only so much a person can take before they can’t handle it anymore. You’ve been nicer to your guards. Showing them you appreciate them. That’s a good thing.”
“Well, why don’t I hire a plane to fly a banner over East Dremest to tell the city how fucking amazing I am, like I’m advertising a seafood buffet in a damn shore town?”
Jordan’s face relaxed. “Not once have I ever gone to a restaurant because I saw it on one of those.”
“When was the last time you were on a beach?”
“Didn’t you hear? Dex bought a house in Bethany Beach.”
Just what I needed, to worry about my son traveling to Delaware with his partners regularly over the spring and summer months.
“We’re fine,” he said. My son knew me well. It was also a sign I was slacking. I should have known they were going down there, but with Dexen and Greer having my son’s back, I didn’t feel the need to have a guard on him. Jordan didn’t want it, and I was trying to give him as much freedom as possible. It didn’t matter how old he was, he was still my blood, and I needed him safe.
He was when he was at work. He was when he was at home. There were always people ready to protect him.
“Listen,” Jordan said, putting his hand on mine. I glanced down, wondering what the fuck was going on, but let it be. “You don’t need to feel guilt any longer for what happened between us. You don’t need to hold that inside, thinking you fucked me up beyond belief. Was it shitty? Yeah, it was, but more so because you lied to me. Think of how things would have been different if I knew the truth as I grew up. I understand why you did it though. There’s something noble in that. You might not love openly, but you do love me. And you know what? I fucking love you too.”
I sat there, staring at my son, not sure what to say. There was no fighting the tears that sprang to my eyes. No fighting the slight tremble to my bottom lip. I’d never heard those words from him. When he was little, he’d tell his mother he loved her, but not me. I wasn’t who he needed.
Yet there I sat, Jordan’s words sinking into my heart, growing roots, and nestling in for the long haul. He loved me. My son fucking loved me.
“I do love you,” I whispered as a tear slid down my cheek.
“I know.” Jordan pulled me in for a hug. “You won’t change overnight and I’m not asking you to, but you can trust me. You can trust Greer and Dex too, okay?”
I nodded, unable to speak without crying more.
Fucking tears. This was some serious bullshit, especially since I couldn’t stop them as another broke free. Goddammit.
Jordan patted my back before releasing me. Tahoe had gotten up during our emotional moment and was now sitting on the floor, staring at us with that damn plush heart in his mouth. Jordan took it from him and threw it up the hallway. Tahoe raced after it, skidding a bit on the marble as he did so.
The guilt wouldn’t lift from my shoulders just because my son said I didn’t need to feel it, but I was lighter than before he came in. If I started hugging my guards, we were going to have a talk. Or if I randomly started crying. There were lines I wouldn’t cross.
Turning, I found Raiden standing where he usually was by the elevator, his eyes straight ahead.
“Not a fucking word,” I growled.
“Of course not, sir.” His lips twitched. Raiden wasn’t mocking me. He was happy for me, and that was fucking worse. Asshole.