Chapter 20
Josh
Everything I’d eaten in the last three days came up in a violent rush.
My stomach continued to clench sporadically long after losing all of its contents.
I panted through the pain and tried diligently not to pass out.
Why did I think this was a good idea? Were the visualization exercises really all that bad?
“Again,” Yanesh said with the same lack of empathy he had all the other times.
I shook my head vehemently. A move I quickly came to regret, as it bent me double with another wave of dry heaves.
I flattened my hands on the wall in front of me and walked my way up, my arms in danger of giving out at any second.
Sweat coated every inch of my naked, quivering body.
So much for thinking therapy would be easy or, heaven forbid, nice.
“You wanted extreme solutions to counteract the increase in manic energy as the full moon gets closer. Now, do it again.”
Even the thought of going through the change was too much. My stomach clenched in anticipation, and I barely held off the impulse to retch again. Defeated and officially too weak to stand, I slumped to the ground with my back against the wall, heedless of the sick nearby.
“Are you done?”
I nodded feebly. The cold ground seeped through my legs and ass.
There wasn’t even enough ambient heat left in my body to stave it off, and I was starving.
Clearly, I hadn’t factored in the fixed meal portions or schedule.
It’d be hours before I could eat again. I shivered violently as the cold reached my core and dropped my internal temperature another few degrees.
Yanesh crossed the room to lay a thermal blanket over me and set a cup of water within reach.
I didn’t bother asking where he’d been keeping the blanket.
He had an interesting habit of manifesting things out of nowhere–never anything I could use to escape, but always beneficial in some way.
I knew he wasn’t a witch, or at least I was pretty sure he wasn’t since I hadn’t had the telltale feeling of bubbles fizzing in my nose in response to smelling magic.
“How many is that?” I croaked when I was confident I could speak without instigating another round of dry heaves.
“Twenty-seven. Twenty-seven changes in seven days.” Yanesh crossed his arms and stared down at me. “I have to confess, Detective, I’m impressed. Your determination seems to know no bounds. However, I would like to reiterate, yet again, that I in no way condone this as a viable treatment.”
“Noted.” And agreed. As much as I disliked the mindfulness exercises—especially the observing and letting go of judgements about myself—they were better than this extended bone-deep exhaustion.
He made a movement with his hand and sat beside me.
I thought a moment too late to warn him about the bile.
Except somehow the acrid scent had vanished.
Unlike Yanesh’s own faint scent, this smell was completely gone.
It was entirely possible Yanesh himself had done something to it.
After all, I still didn’t know what he was, but wasn’t about to be crass enough to ask…
again. I huffed a tired laugh. Whatever sort of creature Yanesh was, he seemed to do a lot of things without thinking, and I was fairly positive I wasn’t supposed to notice.
“Tell me about your partner.”
I huffed a stronger laugh, much to the dismay of my abused diaphragm and abdomen. “Is that how it is? Get me too weak to deflect, then ply me with questions about Elijah?”
“Would I be able to get you to talk openly about him otherwise?”
“What do you want to know?” I asked, sidestepping the question. Talking about Elijah hurt as much as it helped.
He maneuvered into a more comfortable position against the wall. “Tell me how you two met.”
I smiled to myself at the memory. Surprisingly, it hadn’t taken Yanesh much to convince me to trust him, even though I was almost positive his real name wasn’t Yanesh, and he still refused to tell me who the red-haired woman was or her significance.
Ultimately, the wolf trusted him not to harm us, and I trusted the wolf. Elijah had taught me that.
“The Klamath pack was throwing a party—a bacchanal.”
“Sounds revelrous.”
I scoffed. “More than likely, it was an attempt to ingratiate themselves with the locals. The pack and the town do not have a history of getting along.”
“I see. I assume that’s why you were there? To leverage the distrust.” I nodded, but rather than focus on the real reason I was there, Yanesh asked a different question. “There must have been a number of people there, lycans and not. What drew you to Elijah in particular?”
The bond gave a solid, albeit small, pulse in my chest. “Sheer happenstance. I was scouting the warehouse they’d converted to a dancehall for potential targets when I bumped into him on the dance floor.”
“Was he dancing?”
“No, but I’ll never forget the way he looked at me.”
Yanesh repositioned again. The stone floor was not comfortable, but he remained seated beside me. “How was that?”
“It’s difficult to put into words. I remember thinking how strange it was.
Even though I was wearing a mask that magically altered my appearance, when he looked into my eyes, it was like he was seeing me.
The real me. Past the mask, past all the half-truths and assumptions, just…
me. No one had ever looked at me that way before.
I was there to do a job—get in, get out—but I’m almost positive that if he hadn’t followed me, I would have gone back and thrown myself at him.
” I rubbed absentmindedly at my chest, missing how the bond used to sing.
He gestured at my chest. “My husband used to do that a lot. Still does when he thinks I’m not looking.”
I dropped my hand immediately, and Yanesh sighed.
He’d attempted to talk to me about the bond before, but even beside myself with exhaustion, I wouldn’t make that mistake.
I’d thought that dodging him enough times would have given him the hint to let it drop.
Seemed I was mistaken. It didn’t matter how much I trusted him, or even if that little blue cube sitting on the table really could hide our conversations, I couldn’t risk anyone finding out that Elijah and I were bonded.
“I can’t help you if you don’t let me,” Yanesh said, his frustration clear. “Why won’t you talk to me about the—” I shot him a glare, and he quickly altered what he was going to say. “…it. Obviously, you have it, and I truly believe discussing the details might mitigate some of the pain.”
“Pain? I’m not sure if that’s the right word.
It hurts… in a way, but it feels deeper than that.
I…” My voice faltered as a wave of heartache washed over me.
“I miss him. Miss being able to touch him. Miss his voice and his deep laugh. Miss the way his eyes light up when they look at me. Miss his scent and how it seems to cling to my skin. I even miss arguing with him.” I rested my head against the wall and fought the sudden sting in my eyes.
It would seem not even physical exhaustion could temper my overly emotional state.
“Withdrawal.”
I frowned and looked at Yanesh. “What?”
“You’re experiencing withdrawal, Josh.”
“Withdrawal is typically associated with addiction,” I countered.
“Exactly. You’re essentially addicted to your partner.
But this isn’t an addiction you can simply give up.
You literally need him to live. It’s why the longer you’re kept apart, the sadder you get.
For the record, I think ‘pain’ is absolutely the right word.
And that ache in your chest is only going to get worse.
I don’t need to tell you what will happen if you’re kept apart for too long. ”
I swallowed thickly. “No.” Elijah’s explanation of the consequences so many months ago, when I’d made the mistake of thinking distance would help, came back to me: Do you know what happens to bonded wolves that are kept apart?
They still die. Not as quickly or violently, but slowly and painfully.
They just start losing the will to live.
Right then, I’d vowed never to abandon him like that again.
But here I was, with no idea how far away he was or even if I would ever see him again.
I didn’t realize I was sobbing into Yanesh’s shoulder until he brushed my hair back and made soft, soothing sounds.
It was so like when Elijah comforted me, I sobbed harder.
When there was nothing left but persistent sniffles and a few renegade tears, I stayed where I was, accepting the comfort he was silently offering.
“How do you think he is right now?” Yanesh asked softly.
I sniffed hard. “I imagine he’s pretty pissed.”
I felt as much as heard Yanesh’s surprise. “Oh? Why is that?”
“The lawyer should be there by now.”
Elijah
The line rang with the familiar sound of Eric’s designated tone.
At least he’s calling now instead of physically coming to the house to drag me out by my tail.
Of course, if I started using the Atlas security system like I’m supposed to, then he wouldn’t be able to get in at all, key or no key.
I heaved a sigh and dismissed the vindictive thought.
I didn’t really want to keep my best friend out.
Whether I cared to admit it, Eric was right—the pack needed me, and I needed them.
Running with the others hadn’t diminished the ache of not having Josh, but the inherent support that came with being around a pack had helped, if only a little.
Not to mention the echo of Josh’s Alpha energy from Tommy and Kale.
The line rang a few more times before I finally caved and answered. “What do you want now? No, I’m not having another attack. No, I’m not wallowing in self-pity. Yes, I have left the house in the last twenty-four hours.”
“You make my caring sound like I’m being a dick,” Eric grumbled.