Chapter 22
Josh
Journaling was officially my least favorite pastime in the history of pastimes.
It didn’t even matter that I was finally getting halfway decent at clearing my mind and purging my negative thoughts with the literal wiping of the page.
The exercise was becoming the bane of my existence.
The biggest problem, of course, was that no matter how at ease my body became, no matter how calm I made my mind, Elijah wasn’t there and he never would be.
Which brought my turbulent thoughts right back to the place I’d been trying to avoid for the last two hours.
I had no idea how Elijah was faring or if his pack was okay.
Had my mother returned to finish what I’d started?
How much of the pack was still alive? Had Tommy gotten control of his moon sickness?
Was Elijah still running? Had he finally confronted the Klamath Alpha?
Frustrated with my current attempt at sweeping away negative thoughts, I gave up the exercise.
With a huff, I tossed the journal onto the desk, stripped down, and headed towards the small shower obscured by a thin wall.
The barrier hid nothing, existing solely to prevent water from coating the room either by overflow or spray.
I activated the embedded panel with a touch and keyed the water to the highest temperature the system would allow.
The spray crashed over me, sending tendrils of steam curling from the cooler basin of the shower floor.
It wasn’t nearly hot enough to soothe my aching muscles, nor was the steam thick enough to fill the hollow inside my chest. I braced my tired arms against the wall.
Between the constant exercise and soul-scraping therapy, I was experiencing a level of weariness I’d never encountered.
Yanesh held there was more to it than the physical and mental exhaustion, but the truth he hinted at wasn’t one I dared entertain.
If I’m suffering, is Elijah?
Elijah.
I clenched my hand on the slick wall. Every part of me ached with longing for the man who had become my mate.
I’d never in my life ever expected to find love, least of all the happiness I’d found with Elijah.
Hoped maybe, but never really believed it could happen.
And the bond… the bond was so much more. And it hurt more every day.
As it did any time I thought about the frail connection binding me to the love of my life, my hand found its way to my chest. Rubbing it never eased the pain steadily growing around my heart, but that didn’t stop me from trying.
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly.
Per Yanesh’s guidance, I focused on the memories I’d made with Elijah rather than the loss of not having him.
I thought about his smile and the way it touched his cognac eyes.
I thought about how he’d held me at the rave as we danced the night away.
The love in his voice whenever he called me moonbeam.
The way his rough hands felt gliding over my flesh.
I let out a low moan as my mind latched onto a memory that almost perfectly mirrored where I was now.
We laughed our way into the shower, breathless from kisses and the mad scramble to get beneath the spray before we got too distracted.
I barely even felt the scalding water as Elijah pressed me into the chilly wall and conquered me with a kiss that liquefied my insides.
I tangled my hands in his gorgeous gray hair and arched into him, craving more. Always craving more.
His fingers dug into my side with punishing strength as he briefly abandoned tangling our tongues to lay a string of searing kisses along my neck and across my collarbone. Then, without warning, he spun me to face the wall, much as I was now.
I bit my lip to suppress a groan as his teeth lightly bit into my shoulder. Goosebumps erupted across my back despite the scorching heat of his lips tracing down my spine. I shuddered at the pleasure consuming my body and couldn’t contain a gasp when he kicked my feet farther apart.
“Elijah.”
The sound of my harsh breathing filled my ears as he conquered every inch of me with his mouth.
I was shaking by the time his chest pressed against my back.
He licked delicately from the nape of my neck to swirl his tongue around my ear.
My cry bounced back at me as he finally sank his thick cock deep into my ass, and I turned to putty in his hands.
He reached up with one hand to lace our fingers together against the wall.
The contact added to the all-consuming feeling of him surrounding me.
Outside the memory-turned-fantasy, I stroked my cock frantically, and released a strangled moan. “Oh God. Yes, baby. Just like that.”
Our bodies synchronized in a harmony that I’d never found with another lover.
Each roll of our hips, each tender kiss, took us both to new heights.
We raced towards the peak and toppled over into star-studded ecstasy together.
I threw my head back with a silent cry as I painted the wall with my release.
Gradually, my breathing slowed, and the fantasy dissipated.
Crushing grief rushed to fill the void of the reprieve I’d so desperately sought.
I stumbled out of the pathetic shower and collapsed on the unforgiving stone of my cell, trapped in my own personal Pit of Despair consuming me from the inside out.
Body-wracking sobs stole what remained of my sanity and left me with soul-crushing heartache. I gasped for air that wouldn’t come and shivered violently, unable to even maintain my body heat. Black spots swam across my vision, barely discernible from the rest of the darkness.
At some point, either someone entered the room or the shower automatically shut off, because the white noise of water suddenly vanished.
It proved to be the former when a figure squatted down in front of me.
If it weren’t for the blanket that fell around my shoulders, I wouldn’t have believed he was there at all.
“This has gone too far. You have to let me tell someone, Josh,” Yanesh implored.
I scrounged up the energy to shake my head.
His typical calm demeanor snapped. “Damn it. You’re dying! Don’t you care?”
A siege of shivers dominated my huddled form. “M-my… l-life… d-doesn’t … m-matter.”
“Does it matter if your death kills Elijah too?”
I’d been wrong to believe there were no more tears left to shed. A sob tore through my chest with the violence of a serrated blade.
“I cannot sit idly by and watch this happen. You aren’t the only one who took oaths.”
Somewhere in my mind, I wanted to correct him. Our oaths were not the same. But there was only darkness, an inky substance reaching out to hold me, then nothing.
Elijah
I stormed into the house, Eric hot on my heels.
“You’re being unreasonable,” he shouted as he slammed the door and followed me into the living room. “All you do now is stay locked away staring at your shrine.” He gestured emphatically at the wall of images I’d painstakingly put together.
“And what would you have me do?”
He waved his arms in the air. “Challenge for the damn pack already! I know you don’t want to hear it, but I’ve danced around your delicate sensibilities long enough.
Conrad’s control is slipping. The pack is destabilizing.
It wouldn’t take much to get the lot on your side.
Hell, even the elders can see Conrad’s time is nearing an end.
And Conrad knows it. He threatened you for moon’s sake. ”
“That’s going a bit far.” I couldn’t help but roll my eyes at his blind persistence. “And he didn’t exactly threaten me.”
Eric’s finger zeroed in on my chest in an angry point that seemed to focus his seething anger at my stubbornness to see reason.
“That’s splitting hairs, and you know it.
He implied you were a lone wolf. In what universe is that not a threat?
He practically outright said that your loyalty was suspect.
” He dropped his hand in favor of a furious glare.
“I’m tired of waiting around for you to get your nose out of your ass.
What will it take for you to finally step up?
The pack is on the verge of implosion. People are panicking.
Someone is going to do something reckless. ”
“Like you?” I fired back. “You want the pack out from under Conrad so bad, you challenge him.”
He made a loud, exasperated sound somewhere between a growl and a screech.
“You know that’s not how it works. Real Alphas have something the rest of us don’t.
It’s genetics. Even if I somehow won the battle, I’d never be able to maintain control of the pack, not like you could.
Stop being such a stubborn badger about this.
It is literally your goddess-given job to do something.
You can fix all of this. Just take your rightful place and be done already. ”
I rubbed my temples and sank into the couch.
My frustration with his insistence bubbled beneath the surface.
It wasn’t that I didn’t understand where he was coming from.
By all logic, I should have taken the pack years ago, when I’d come back for my father’s funeral and I learned the role Conrad had played in offering him up like a sacrificial lamb.
But I hadn’t. I’d run from the responsibility of caring for eighty people during a time when they’d needed me most.
But if I had challenged him then, the pack never would have thrown the bacchanal, we wouldn’t have been vulnerable to attack, and Josh wouldn’t have come.
As guilty as it made me feel, that was just not something I could bring myself to regret. “It’s not that simple,” I finally said.
“How is it not? You challenge, you win. Done. The pack is back on track.”