Chapter 31
CHAPTER 31
I t took Stephen a moment to understand what she was saying. “You want me?” he repeated dumbly. “But…even after…what you and Hastings, that is, what you…you did? And this?” He gestured between him and Hastings. He knew he sounded like an untried idiot.
“Oh, love,” she said, a little London slipping back into her voice, “that just made me want you more.” She took a deep breath and closed her eyes as her shoulders rose and fell, a wicked smile on her face as if she was remembering he and Hastings together. “It’s all been absolutely delicious.”
Hastings laughed, and it sounded genuine and amused. “Yes, it has.” He was sitting there with his arms crossed watching her, a shrewd look on his face. “And you want another taste of it, do you? And in return?”
“In return, I’ll stay. I’ll stay and do whatever you and Sir Barnabas need me to do,” she said.
“Now, see here,” Stephen said, not caring for the way they were negotiating over his body and physical intimacies. Or at least, he felt he ought to protest, but the truth was he rather liked it, and found it a little arousing to be the subject of these two people’s desires. He was wicked and had been around his friends for too long, was all. It was time to put a stop to all this. It was bad enough he had given in to his desires with Hastings two times. And with Madelyn—Maddy yesterday.
Good God , he thought as the implications struck him, I’m already in too deep. It’s too late to protest. I started it all.
“Don’t you want me?” Maddy asked curiously. “You kissed me yesterday as if you did.”
“Yes,” he admitted, not willing to lie to her. “I do.”
“All right then,” she said, turning back to Hastings, as if that settled it.
“That doesn’t mean I have to act on those desires,” Stephen reminded her, and himself.
“You already did,” Hastings reminded him.
“You certainly acted on your desires with him,” Maddy said, pointing to Hastings. “Why not me? Again?”
“Because you are a?—”
“If you say woman,” Maddy practically growled, “I will not be responsible for my actions. Women have desires, too, you know. I was with Hastings today, and I did that because I desired him. That was my choice. I desire you, too.”
“I’m well aware,” Stephen said. “But you are a woman. You can be more easily hurt, and there could be much more serious consequences. If people find out, I mean.”
“I know how to prevent a babe,” she told him, and Stephen’s heart stuttered a bit in his chest with pain, because even though he’d known she’d been with men in the past, he didn’t like to think about her circumstances then, or what she’d been forced to do. And that firmed his resolve.
“I won’t lie and say that I don’t want you both physically, and that I have given in to those desires already,” he said. “But,” he continued before they could say anything, “you must understand that physical intimacy means something to me.”
To his surprise Maddy laughed. “And it doesn’t to me? Well, that’s more than a little insulting.”
“I meant as a parson, a representative of the church,” he told her. “But also, to me, personally I suppose.”
Maddy’s look had grown darker as he was speaking.
“I’d stop now if I were you, Stephen,” Hastings warned. “You’re digging your own grave.”
“I’m sure you assumed I’ve been with loads of men,” Maddy told him. “I’m not going to lie and tell you I’m a virgin. That would be stupid, and too much trouble to maintain the lie. I’ve been with a few. But never because I wanted to for the pure and simple reason I desired them. I’ve never desired anyone like that. At least not until now. No, I was with them for safety, or because it was a trade for something else I needed, like food or shelter or a place to hide. I never got paid for it. I wasn’t a whore. But to be with someone just because I wanted to? I’ve never done that. So, I guess you could say physical intimacy between us means a great deal to me, too.” She looked over at Hastings as she said it and he returned her look with an enigmatic one.
“I didn’t mean to disparage you,” Stephen said, shame churning in his gut for hurting her.
“No, I know you didn’t,” she said. “You don’t have it in you. But you made assumptions there that I needed to set straight.” She leaned forward, her face serious. “Hastings is right, people like us don’t get the chance to be with people like you in a place like this. This isn’t meant for us. But for a brief moment in time, I can have it. And I want it. I want you.” She sat back. “It’s as simple as that.”
“And then you’ll leave,” Stephen clarified. “You’ll have me, and then you’re planning on leaving. Correct?”
“Yes.” She was very matter of fact about it. “I don’t know how this is supposed to end, whatever it is Sir Barnabas has got me mixed up in, but I’m almost positive it doesn’t end happily for me. Most likely he’ll ship me off to Canada or America and wash his hands of me when he doesn’t need me anymore.”
“I will not let him do that,” Stephen declared vehemently. “He does not get to play God with your life. You will do what you want, where you want. I will see to it.”
“I don’t think the day has arrived,” Hastings observed, “where you are more powerful than Sir Barnabas James.”
“You’d be surprised,” Stephen said confidently, although he silently wondered exactly how he was going to pull it off.
“Yes, I would.” Hastings was looking at him sadly.
“This is why I’m hesitating,” Stephen told them, being honest because normally it wasn’t in his nature to dissemble, though lately he’d been learning. But with them he was determined to be honest. “I don’t know if I can be intimate with you and then let you go without getting my heart broken. That’s what I was trying to say. Physical intimacy, to me, very much involves my heart. And though you both have already captured a piece of it, to give in to my desire would all but ensure my unhappiness for a very long time. To be honest, I’m not sure it’s not already too late to prevent that.”
“You gave in to it with me not long ago,” Hastings said quietly.
“And now I already feel as if my heart is breaking because you’re talking about leaving,” Stephen confessed. He knew he was going to have to tell Hastings about their earlier night together. He wanted honesty between them all and had to start as he meant to go on. “I want to be with you both—which has ramifications I’m not willing to entertain at this time—more than I can say. But I can’t bear the thought of something so wonderful ending with me left here, alone.”
“I didn’t think about that,” Maddy whispered. “I only thought of what I wanted. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry for wanting me,” Stephen begged. “It’s very flattering. No one has wanted me like that before. I like it.” He looked between the two of them. “I’ve never felt more alive than I do with you both here and wanting me.” He shook his head. “You speak of a moment in time, but this is not that for me. This is my life. And I have to decide if I can continue here as I am after you are gone, if you’re determined to leave me.”
“I’m sorry, too,” Hastings said, rising from his chair. “I was fooling myself before Maddy arrived. Fooling myself that this could be my life, too, and I think I let you believe it as well. Even last night, having you in my arms, I was fooling myself. You’re right to protect your heart, Stephen. It is a precious thing. I’m sorry I treated it so lightly.”
“No.” Stephen stood as well. “No, you didn’t. My eyes were wide open. I’m a grown man, and I ignored everything about our situation except that I wanted you to stay, that you felt right here. I didn’t even ask if that was what you wanted.”
“You didn’t have to,” Hastings told him. “You knew it was, or I would have been long gone.”
Maddy leaned over until she lay sideways on the sofa, her cheek pillowed on her hands. “I guess this means your answer is no,” she said quietly, her voice a little broken. “Don’t worry. I won’t be difficult about it.” She sat up suddenly. “Can’t we be like we were? When you kissed me yesterday? You don’t have to do anything else, I swear. Just…just pretend. Can’t we pretend we’re sweethearts?”
“I can’t pretend,” Stephen told her. “Because you are. My sweetheart, I mean. What I mean to say is, I have feelings for you.” He knew he was bungling this terribly.
“Hastings, don’t leave,” Stephen demanded as the other man began heading for the door. “I’ve handled this badly. I started this, and now I’m making a mess of it. You both must know how I feel about you. As Hastings has said on many occasions, I can’t lie. And even though I knew where my feelings were leading, it still caught me unawares today when you told me what happened this afternoon. When I initiated kisses with you both I was following my heart and not my head. And now we’re here and even though I know everything I’ve told you is true I still can’t stop wanting you.” He spun around, so he wasn’t facing them and couldn’t see them. “I don’t know what to do. What am I supposed to do?”
He heard Maddy get up behind him and then her arms slid around his waist. She pressed her body against his back, and he reached down and held her arms in place.
“Silly Stephen,” she whispered, “still thinking you can control your life.” She sighed against him. “It’s not in our control. Us meeting, neither one of us saw that happening. If life gives you something you want, take it. It’s not going to offer again, at least in my experience. You get one chance. I don’t just want to be intimate with you, Stephen. I want you . All of you. Everything you are makes my heart sing, and it’s a song I’ve never heard before. I don’t want to miss this chance. Do you?”
“I’ve had my chances,” Hastings said flatly. “I’ll leave you to it.”
“Don’t you want more?” Stephen asked him, turning his head to pin him with his stare. “Don’t you want to take this chance with us?”
“Maddy doesn’t want me,” he said. “Despite what happened today. She wants you. She wants this.” He gestured around the room.
“You and I could have met a million different ways,” Maddy said, letting go of Stephen and turning to face Hastings. “Have you thought about that? We’re not too different in age. I know you were on the streets in London. I recognize that in you. You know Bleecker. You work the streets now, for Sir Barnabas. And yet we’ve never met until now, here, at Stephen’s, in Ashton on the Green. Why?”
Stephen’s heart was pounding. Was this leading to where he thought it was? Was he ready to go that far? He’d seen his friends find happiness this way. Could he? He knew without a doubt that if he took this step, he wasn’t going to let them leave. He wasn’t sure what he’d have to do, lock them up in Freddy’s dungeon, perhaps, but if they became his lovers, they were staying.
And he desperately wanted that, he realized. He’d been agonizing over his attraction to both of them, worrying about who might get hurt, and how on earth he was to choose, but he’d said it himself. He knew Hastings had feelings for Maddy. Today proved that. And he knew she trusted him. They had so much in common, including so much heartbreak locked inside. With Stephen’s help, they could heal each other.
Because all he wanted to do was love them and see them happy at last.
It was that thought, unbidden and heartfelt, that made up his mind. What he wanted and what he needed were in alignment here. By giving them both what they needed, Stephen was giving himself everything he’d ever wanted. It was, he realized, the reason he was here, in this place, at this time, with these people. As Maddy said, they could have met anywhere, but they met here.
“I guess you’re right, we were eventually destined to meet,” Hastings admitted to Maddy. “But here or there, it’s all the same. It doesn’t change what’s coming, Mads.” He sounded sad that he had to tell her that.
“Maybe not,” she agreed. “But it changes the present.” She laughed, but it was nothing more than a teary chuckle. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I want you, too. Still. Isn’t that just ridiculous? You’ve been a regular grumpy arse to me ever since I got here, and I thought I wanted Stephen. Just him. Yet, somehow, you’re a part of this.” This time she gestured around the room, just as Hastings had a moment ago.
“I have not been a grumpy arse,” Hastings protested, but his voice didn’t carry any heat.
“Yes, you have,” Stephen told him, grinning. “But we forgive you.”
“I think this place, the duke and duchess and Haversham up at the Park, and everyone else around here, has you both dreaming of impossible things.” Hastings crossed his arms and glared at him, and Stephen knew he was weakening. He wasn’t walking out. He wasn’t denying them.
“I told you nothing is impossible,” Stephen said quietly.
“You barely know how to kiss and now you’re going to take on two lovers?” Hastings asked incredulously. Stephen felt himself blush.
“I’m trying to learn how to kiss.” He refused to be embarrassed about his lack of experience.
“I think you’re a marvelous kisser,” Maddy told him, laying a hand on his arm. “I wanted to lay you down right there in the garden and fuck you silly.”
“I…oh,” Stephen said, a little shocked at her language and her admission. “Thank you.”
“And you,” Maddy said to Hastings. “When you kissed me over there the other day,” she pointed to the bookcase, “I wanted the same from you. And still I had to be the one to ask for it today.”
“What happened to never telling us what you were thinking or anything about yourself?” Hastings demanded, tossing his cravat back down onto the sofa.
“That didn’t get me anywhere,” Maddy said. “So now I’m trying honesty.” She was watching him stalk over to them. Stephen’s heart was racing as he waited, his body already aflame from Maddy’s words and the thoughts he was having about what he’d like to do with them, right now. His thoughts were a little vague, of course, but he trusted that together they could figure out where they were going.