Chapter 5
CHAPTER FIVE
MICAH
Rolling my cane along the curb, I heard a car pull up, and my stomach began to twist. I wanted to trust it was no one. Or maybe it was the Uber, who was still supposed to be ten minutes away. My heart began to race in my chest at not being able to know who was there.
Maybe it was a random doctor or a nurse who forgot something.
The door shut, and then footsteps fell heavily on the pavement as they approached me. My entire body went tense. There was no way it was Hunter.
No way he followed me.
No way he—
“Micah, what’s the matter? You look like you’re about to faint.”
I almost did faint, but with relief, and maybe still a hint of fear. Hugo’s voice was a balm to my nerves, but I was so fucking high-strung I thought maybe this was the moment I’d well and truly lost it.
“Are you and Boden taking off?”
He snorted. “No. Jonah has some paperwork to fill out, and he’s waiting on Alexio to get here.”
“I—oh.” I’d thought the Glaciers had a game this afternoon, but maybe I was wrong. I hadn’t been paying attention to the schedule as much as I should have. “Okay. So…”
“So, I’m here to give you a ride,” Hugo said with more patience than I deserved. “Maybe we can grab a coffee, though I’m not sure you need any caffeine right now.”
He was probably right. A single drop would send me screaming into the distance until I smacked face-first into a light pole.
“You know what I want right now? One of those giant easter buckets at Tim Hortons. Filled with Timbits,” I said.
He burst into laughter as he threw his arm around me and tucked me in close. “It’s not Easter, darling.”
“I know. It should be. All those chocolate eggs.” I didn’t even really eat chocolate, but right now, I wanted to drown my feelings in a massive bucket full of sugar.
It was better than booze, right?
“I can do a small box of Timbits, which you can eat on the way home,” he said softly.
“Boden—”
“He’s going to stay with Jonah, and I’ll meet up with him later.” He turned and guided me toward his car. “I suppose I can’t tempt you into a sleepover with a blanket fort, can I?”
I grinned in spite of myself as I climbed into the seat, folded my cane, and tucked it between my feet. I loved Hugo’s car. It was plush and soft—not as big as what Alexio drove, but that was probably a good thing.
The last thing I needed right now was an inappropriate boner from the sound of leather seats squeaking. There wasn’t a chance in hell I’d be able to explain that away with anything reasonable beyond the truth. And as much as I loved Hugo, I wasn’t ready to tell him about Vanya.
“There’s a drive-thru about ten minutes from here,” he said.
“You really don’t need to buy me donuts,” I told him as he pulled out onto the main road.
“If it’ll make you smile again, I will buy you anything.”
“Wanna divorce Boden and marry me? I’m not sexually attracted to you, but this could be like a lavender marriage.”
“I don’t think that’s how those work,” he said, a smile in his voice.
“Then we’ll invent a new word.”
Hugo sighed. “Unfortunately, I’m beyond devoted to Boden, and I don’t actually think you want that. You know if you need some time or attention or affection, our door is open.”
I knew that. I knew that about all my friends. Hell, I knew it about Jonah, even when he was pissed at me. It wasn’t really about that.
It was about the fact that I was tired of keeping secrets. I was tired of my shit reputation being my armor against the public. I was tired of everyone knowing the Micah they thought existed instead of the man I was.
And I was tired of being afraid every time I set foot out of the house. I had never been one of those motivational speakers who said shit like “the only real blindness is the blindness of the heart” or some dipshit thing that belonged on a home decor sticker.
I was blind. I did navigate the world differently. I’d never known anything else.
But Hunter made me afraid to do even the simplest things on my own, and that was new. And it was slowly driving me insane.
“I see it on your face,” Hugo said. “There is something going on. Something big. Maybe bad.”
I blew out a puff of air and shrugged. “Yeah. I’m just not up for talking about it. Any chance you’ll let it go?”
“Every chance. You never have to tell me anything. But if you need help—”
“I don’t, so fucking drop it.” I didn’t mean to snap at him, but I was tired of everyone offering me aid when they didn’t know what was going on. Hunter was…he was complicated. Dangerous. I didn’t really want to say evil, but he felt kind of evil.
I had no idea what he was really capable of, and that was the thing getting to me the most.
“Alright,” Hugo said quietly, making me feel even worse. Silence fell between us, and I lost myself in the feeling of the gentle motion as he drove.
We weren’t on the road long when he slowed and took a sharp right, and I sat up as the car came to a rolling stop. “Sorry,” I murmured.
Hugo let out a huge sigh as he pulled into a parking spot, and the car idled when he put it in park. “Micah, I can tell you’re going through something. You can use me as a verbal punching bag if you want—”
“I don’t. God, I don’t…I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me. Everything hurts, and I feel like I’m losing my mind. Every time I tell myself to stop, it gets worse.” I started to shake, and my throat went tight with tears.
“I’m going to take your hand, okay?”
“Okay.” I reached for him, and he grabbed me by the wrist, then slotted our fingers together.
“You told me on the train all those years ago that you let everyone misunderstand you. That it was easier.”
“All those years ago,” I mimicked with a small smile.
He huffed and squeezed my fingers. “You know what I mean. I’m trying to tell you that I know how your mind works, and you’re not going to convince me you’re not worth sticking around for. We’re friends, yes?”
“Yes.”
“So tell me, don’t tell me. I’m still here.”
I swallowed heavily, then nodded. “Thank you. And I’d like chocolate and glazed donuts, and a decaf coffee with three creams and six sugars. And make sure they pour it extra hot because when it’s tepid, it’s disgusting.”
“Tu me casse les couilles.”
“I know I’m being a pain in the ass. And I’m sorry,” I told him.
He laughed and leaned in, dragging me over the console and into a hug. “I will be right back.”
I appreciated that he didn’t invite me to come in. I was in asshole mode, but I was also Canadian, and my instinct would have been to accept, and then I would have hated everything even more.
As I attempted to relax, my phone began to buzz. ‘Caleb calling.’
“For fuck’s…” I muttered and answered because Caleb and I hadn’t talked in a long, long while. “This better be good,” I said by way of answering.
“It isn’t. Why is Jonah telling me you’re visiting Dad now?” His voice was sharp. Angry. Like I’d committed some heinous sin.
“I just left the Meadows whatever place. Why does it matter to you?”
He huffed. “Because we’re supposed to be a united front, dickhead. Now you’ve gone, and I’m the only one here holding fast.”
“First of all, I know you already came here, and you got yourself thrown out.”
“And?” he spat. “I went there to tell Dad what a fuckup he is, okay? Not to pander to Jonah’s babying him.”
“Jesus Christ, you think that’s what Jonah’s doing?”
“You know what, fuck you, Micah. You’re such a spineless piece of shit.”
Caleb had always been angry, but he was rarely ever cruel with his words. The venom he was spitting took me aback, and I would have said something, only I stopped when I heard an achingly familiar voice in the background of Caleb’s call.
“Micah is good guy. And very brave. Don’t be so angry.”
“Fuck you, Vanya,” Caleb nearly shouted.
I hung up before I said something I regretted.
My hands began to shake, and my mind was going a million miles a minute.
Vanya was there? With my brother? Just…hanging out?
My head was spinning, and my heart was aching with a pain I had no right to feel because I was the one who told Vanya nothing could ever happen between us again.
When Caleb called again, I sent him to voicemail, and by the time Hugo was climbing back into the car and shoving the Timbits box into my hands, he’d called back three more times.
“Can you take me to my brother’s house?” I blurted. Fuck. That was not what I meant to say. But I couldn’t make myself take it back.
“Jonah’s?”
“Caleb’s,” I said. Oh god, this was going to be a mistake. With any luck, Vanya would be gone, but there was a small part of me that was hoping he wouldn’t be.
I wasn’t going to touch him.
I wasn’t going to invite him over.
But for some reason, in that moment, the only thing that was going to help me survive this night was being close enough that I could do either one of those things.
My stomach was twisting as I approached Caleb’s door. Vanya was here. Or, at least according to Hugo, his car was here, which meant there was a good chance he was still hanging around.
I had no fucking clue when Vanya had become friends with my brother, but I’d stopped questioning those things about him. The guy became best friends with the fucking fishmonger at the market down the street from his house.
I ran into them one night after a game at the arena, talking about the best beer to go with perch.
A Hefeweizen, apparently, and I was annoyed that I knew that.
Taking a breath, I felt along the side of the door until I reached the bell, and then I pushed it twice and waited.
“I know it’s you, Micah. Fuck off,” Caleb said through the doorbell speaker. He sounded almost more irritated than I was.