Chapter 9
CHAPTER NINE
MICAH
By the time we pulled up to my condo, I was having a panic attack.
I wasn’t even aware of it until I started to open the door and it felt like the earth beneath me had flipped.
I wasn’t used to dizzy spells, so it took me a second to realize what was happening, and by the time I did, my breath was hitching in my chest.
“…Micah? Hey. Is okay. I’m here. I’m going to take your hand, okay? Just squeeze.”
It took me a moment to realize what was happening. Vanya’s big, calloused, strong hand was in mine, gently pulsing around my fingers.
It took me a moment to be able to grasp him back, but when I did, I felt immediately grounded. “Sorry,” I rasped, my voice barely a whisper. Clearing my throat, I tried again. “Sorry. Shit. I don’t know what the fuck happened.”
“Just breathe,” Vanya murmured. He was close now, leaning over the console. I could smell his minty breath again.
“I—I think I’m having a panic attack,” I stammered. The anxiety was starting to pull back, and in its place was a weird sort of embarrassment. God, did I really have to look like such a mess in front of Vanya all the fucking time?
“Can you tell me why?”
I furrowed my brows. I didn’t actually know why. Except…oh. Yes, I did. Hunter. It all boiled down to fucking Hunter. “He knows where I live.”
Vanya’s fingers spasmed around mine. “That fucking guy? From the stalking?”
I choked out a laugh. “Yeah. Hunter. The guy from the stalking.”
“Okay. Easy problem. You come home with me.”
“Oh my god. Vanya, no. I—”
“Okay, then I take you to friend. Or your brother’s, or…”
“No.” Because no. I didn’t want any of that either. If I did that, I’d have to tell them what was going on. And if I told them what was going on, I’d have to tell them how long it had been going on for. They wouldn’t judge me, of course. They wouldn’t punish me.
But they’d be upset that I’d kept it to myself for so long, and I really wasn’t sure I could take the guilt of hiding. It was bad enough my brothers knew I was keeping shit to myself.
And Jonah was still pissed at me for the way I’d walked out of Dad’s room. I didn’t think he’d be ready to forgive me just yet, even if he knew what I was dealing with. And I couldn’t shoulder both burdens right now.
“I’ll be fine,” I eventually choked out.
When I tried to pull my hand away, Vanya clung tighter. “I have very nice house, you know. Not too big, but very comfortable. You can stay. The stalker, he doesn’t know where I live.”
That…was true. “I don’t want to impose—”
“No, no. Come on. We can have sleepover. Ford tell me all about them. Snacks, movies, telling secrets.”
I burst into laughter in spite of myself. “No blanket forts?”
He sighed. “Not having enough sheets or chairs. But I will. For next time.”
Next time? My stomach did something funny, but I quickly ignored it.
I wanted to say no to him. I was desperate to say no, walk into my place, curl up in my bed, and forget everything about tonight. Only that wasn’t going to happen. Even if Vanya left me here, I’d be on edge, listening for every creaking sound.
“Micah,” he said when I met him with silence, “I promise I will be good. Hands to myself. No kissing. Just comfort.”
And suddenly, I hated how much I didn’t want to say no. And I hated that I already knew what answer I was going to give him.
“Fine. But I need clothes.”
“Yes, okay. We can get. And if any stalkers in your house, I will fight them.”
I couldn’t help a small grin. “You’re gonna go fisticuffs on some stalkers?”
“I…don’t know that word,” Vanya said. He sounded slightly distressed. “It means beat them up, yes?”
I fought back a giggle. “Yeah, Vanny. It means exactly that.”
When my feet hit the pavement, I no longer felt like I was being chased by shadows.
Vanya stayed close at my side as I made my way into the lobby and down the hall toward my condo.
It was a smaller place than the one Jonah and I had been sharing, but I liked it better.
It was downstairs on the ground level, which meant no one struggled to come to my front door, and it was quiet.
My neighbors neither knew nor cared who I was and weren’t interested in getting to know me.
Just the way I liked it. My cane tapped along the wall as I headed toward my door, and I took a deep breath, testing the knob because I’d watched too many movies about stalkers who broke into houses and left the door handles loose, and the jackass main character didn’t notice right before getting, you know, murdered.
Everything was exactly as it was supposed to be. The lock clicked, and the door opened, and my place was absolutely silent except for the quiet bubbling of my little fish tank.
“You have lights?” Vanya asked.
I waved my hand at him. “Switch is on the wall somewhere.” Normally, I’d feel bad and hurry to make the space comfortable for my sighted guests, but my stomach was in knots. I didn’t think anyone was here, but the fear of not knowing was a little too much.
The idea that Hunter could be sitting in my living room, measuring small, silent breaths so I wouldn’t know he was there…
I fucking hated that. I wouldn’t know what to do with sight if some god granted me the ability, but what I would give for the privilege of being able to know exactly what was in the room with me without having to hunt for it right now.
Yeah. I’d sell a sibling.
Or a parent.
Or both.
There was a soft click, and then Vanya said, “Oh, is very nice place. Aww, little fish!” He lumbered across the room and pulled a stool away from the breakfast bar with an obnoxious squeak on the wood floors. “Is girl fish or boy fish?”
“Uhh, boy,” I said. “The boy fish have the big tails.” I had no idea what my fish actually looked like. I told the guy at the aquarium store to pick out the prettiest one he had. It could be some mud-colored goblin for all I knew.
“His name?”
“Fish,” I said.
Vanya made a choking noise. “Oh, so creative. I see skills only on ice.”
I flipped him off as I set my cane against the counter, then dropped my bag and ran my fingers through my hair. “Okay, uh…I actually think my place is pretty safe and quiet. So maybe I should just stay.”
Vanya said nothing for a beat, and then I heard him slip off the stool. He made a lot of noise as he closed the distance between us, and I braced myself for a touch that I wanted but didn’t come. “Is what you really want?”
“I want to not be afraid to go about my fucking business or to sleep in my own bed,” I blurted, and then my cheeks went hot. I did not need to be dumping all this on him.
He let out a soft breath. “I can touch you?”
“Uh…”
“Your arm. For comfort.”
I wasn’t used to people telegraphing their intentions with me like that. Most people assumed they could manhandle me and take what they wanted. But even when Vanya got a little forward, I could tell he was always watching me, always paying attention.
Always waiting for permission, even if I didn’t always give it verbally. He was the first person in so, so long who hadn’t crossed my boundaries. Who hadn’t taken my comfort levels and stomped all over them.
“Sure.”
His touch was soft and hesitant at first—big fingers wrapping around my forearm, then dragging down toward my wrist. He gave a little tug, and I stumbled a step toward him. Our chests bumped, and I found myself swaying into him rather than away.
It was different from the night we’d fucked. It was different from last night when he’d teased me so badly I nearly gave in. This was just him, wrapping around me, protecting me from the ghosts in the room.
“I don’t think staying here is what you want,” he murmured, his fingers going tighter on my skin. His touch moved up, dragging to the center of my palm, and it took everything in me not to groan with how good it felt. Fuck, how long had it been since anyone was soft like this with me?
Hugo? On the train, maybe?
“How would you know what I want?” I rasped.
He huffed a sigh. “Because is what I would want. If horrible man was stalking me, I would want friends around. And I know we were something else before, but I can be both. I can be whatever you need me to be. Micah,” he said, his voice a little rough, “I will protect you.”
Bowing my head, I found myself nodding without really meaning to. But Jesus, I was so tired of pushing everyone away. I didn’t want to be alone. I was just sick and fucking tired of people getting the wrong idea every time I reached out for a little something like this.
I trusted him, in spite of myself and my lack of faith in all of humanity. I trusted that for now, he’d give me this and only this and not ask for more.
I let out a small breath that sounded like a sob, and then I swallowed it back. “Thank you.”
“Yes,” Vanya whispered softly. “Is okay now. Come. We pack a bag, get everything you need. Maybe blanket or pillow. Tenny bear?”
“Tenny…? Oh my god, I don’t have a teddy bear,” I said, swiping at my face. My cheeks were dry, but for some reason, it still felt like I’d been crying.
He laughed. “You should. I have one. He’s very soft. Very cute. It was a gift from little fan after my first goal before I play on NHL ice.”
That was annoyingly adorable.
Pushing past him, I walked to my closet and felt around until I found my travel bag. There was shit rattling around the bottom from the last roadie, but I ignored it, moving to my dresser to shove in something to sleep in and something to change into tomorrow.
Fuck, this was not how I wanted to spend my night.
“More than that,” he said.
I frowned, turning to face him. “What do you mean more than that?”
“Stay through the weekend. Just in case.” His voice was soft and a little hesitant. “Until we figure out how to stop him stalking.”
“Trust me, dude, that’s not going to happen. Hunter’s been up my ass for…” I stopped. I really didn’t want to get into this now. “It doesn’t matter. I just need a night to figure this out, okay?”
Vanya made a small noise of protest. “More than that,” he repeated.
“You’re so fucking annoying.” And he was, but I also found myself pulling more clothes into the bag. I was going to regret not keeping everything ordered, but I was still off-kilter from Hunter showing up at the arena—and not knowing how the fuck he got past the gates.
Vanya was right. I had to figure some of this out at the very least. I couldn’t let this go on any longer.
My phone began buzzing in my pocket, and I knew it was Hunter. My gut was screaming at me to turn the damn thing off.
“Is him?”
I let out a puff of air. “Probably. I’m not going to worry about it right now.”
“Good plan. Tonight, we can—ack!” There was a crash as he let out a few curses in Russian. “Sorry. I’m still working on blind skills. Tiago help me with some, but it takes practice.”
“Why are you working on—you know what, never mind.” I dropped the bag on the floor and knelt down to zip it up. I didn’t want to know what he was doing right now. My head was already too full. “Let me grab my toothbrush, then we can head out.”
“Okay. I take your bag.” Before I could protest, Vanya’s large body swayed into my space, and the fabric slipped from beneath my fingers. Yet one more annoying thing, but it wasn’t worth an argument.
I pushed to my feet and grabbed my toiletries bag, shoving in my toothbrush and toothpaste, brush, and whatever product I could get my hands on. The truth was, I needed to get the fuck out of there. I had every reason to believe that Hunter was sitting in my parking lot, watching my front door.
God, I needed an escape route or something.
“You still in here?” I asked, making my way to the bedroom. I was met with silence, so I moved toward the living room and heard noises in the kitchen. My heart hammered too hard in my chest. “Ivan?”
“In the kitchen. You angry with me? I’m not trying to do anything wrong.”
“What?” I stopped with my hand on the wall near the entry to the kitchen. “Why would I be mad at you?”
“I don’t know, but you called me Ivan.”
My brows dipped further. “That’s your name…isn’t it?”
“Yes, but no one call me that. Announcers call me that,” he clarified. “Mama when she’s very mad at me. Strangers. Not friends. Only Vanya, please.”
I was not his friend. I needed to remember that. We were passing acquaintances, and he was being nice. It wasn’t deeper than that.
But I could respect his request. “What does your mom call you when she’s not pissed?”
He boomed a laugh. “She call me Ivanushka sometimes. Or Vashka when I’m being her special little boy. But that doesn’t happen often.”
“I bet.” Taking a breath, I squared my shoulders. “If you’re done snooping, Vanya, I’m ready to go.”
He let out a put-upon sigh, but I could tell he was smiling. “Yes, okay. But you invite me over soon so I can inspect your kitchen and feed your fish.”
“Uh…okay.”
His hand touched my arm. “What else you need? Just this? Have books? Laptop?”
I wasn’t a reader, and I didn’t feel like hauling half my apartment to his place. I really wasn’t going to stay long. Just long enough to figure out how the fuck Hunter got to me two nights in a goddamn row—and maybe how to prevent it from happening again.
“I’m good.”
His fingers tightened on my arm, and then he retreated, and I heard him sling the bag up over his back.
I moved to the front door for my shoes and cane, then pulled my keys out of my pocket.
I couldn’t trust that Hunter wouldn’t get into my place, but I had nothing worth stealing, so let him have at it.
Let him do whatever he wanted. So long as I wasn’t there.
God, that was a fucked-up way of thinking, but what else could I do.
“You look upset,” Vanya murmured.
“I’m fine.” That sounded like a lie. Tasted like a lie. But he didn’t call me out on it.
“Come on. We can get burritos on the way. I know the best place. They always give me guacamole for free.”