Chapter 24 #2
The swing shivered and shook as Caleb situated himself a space away from me. He kicked his feet, getting us going again, and then he sighed. “I’ve been trying to think of a way to say sorry, but I’m not sure words are going to cover it.”
My eyebrows rose. “Okay?”
“I didn’t mean to be such a dickhead. I, ah…
well.” He cleared his throat. “What I was dealing with wasn’t nearly as bad as what you had going on.
But I took it out on you both. I mean, I was—I am—pissed at Dad for being the world’s shittiest parent.
Well, second to Mom, I guess. But my anger wasn’t really about all that. ”
I felt Jonah stiffen next to me. “Do you want to tell us what it was?”
Caleb was quiet for a long, long moment.
Then he sighed. “I’m aromantic. And I realized it sometime last year when Anya and I were having a massive fight about how I wasn’t present enough for her.
She accused me of never having been in love with her.
She said I just liked the idea of having someone around I was comfortable with.
I realized she was right. I thought telling her that would make it better, but I think it almost broke her. ”
I had no idea what to say, and by Jonah’s silence, he didn’t either.
“I took a few weeks to figure my shit out. To talk to some people—to figure out where I sat on the spectrum of it all. A bunch of people told me it wasn’t my fault—that a lot of people who were aro went through this because love and relationships and shit are so compulsory.
I didn’t even consider it was possible that I couldn’t be romantic or fall in love or any of that. ”
“But you can’t?”
He groaned. “I don’t think so. I think if I could have, it would have been with her. But it’s just not there, no matter how much I want it to be. And I hate myself for making her waste so many years on me. I know she’ll never forgive me for that.”
“She might,” Jonah said softly. “When she realizes that it’s not your fault you didn’t know. You two aren’t the first people to deal with the realization that one person’s sexuality doesn’t align with the other’s.”
“Yeah, but it doesn’t erase how much it hurt her,” he said. “I think hating you guys was easier than hating myself for a little while, and I have to deal with that too.”
“Like I said, we did not learn healthy coping,” I muttered, and after a second of dead silence, the three of us burst into laughter.
“Fuck, I wish Mom was here right now so I could make her face all of this,” Jonah said.
Caleb scoffed. “She wouldn’t hear it. She wouldn’t even try to take any accountability for anything. I’m glad she’s gone.”
So was I, but I didn’t really feel like voicing that. She’d done enough harm. I was finished letting her live rent-free between us.
“So…are you happy?” Jonah asked. “I mean, can you be happy now that you know?”
“Yeah. I felt so fucking guilty after Anya officially moved out and I was alone,” Caleb admitted. “And I did miss her. I still do. She was my best friend, and…I don’t know. It’s hard knowing I lost that. But I don’t have any real regret. My life feels like it’s finally the way it was meant to be.”
I reached over, and after a second, I pulled Caleb into a hug. This time, he didn’t fight me. He leaned in and rested his head against my shoulder. “I’m happy for you. And I’m glad you’re mostly done being a dickhead to us.”
Caleb laughed. “I mean, I’m still myself. But yeah. And for the record, I really am sorry I tried to fuck Vanya. And I’m sorry I said that shitty stuff to him. I was in a bad way, and you didn’t deserve that.”
“You didn’t know,” I said, my voice a little tight.
Caleb shook his head against me. “No. Even if it was true, I had no right to say that shit. I was trying to be nasty, and if I could take it back, I would. You had every right to be yourself, and no one should have used that against you.”
My heart ached, but in the best way. “Thanks.”
“I’m happy for you,” Caleb said. “I think you two brought me some really badass brothers.”
I burst into laughter. “You might regret that eventually. Hockey players are…a lot.”
“You do remember I know that, right?” Caleb said. “You two fucks aren’t any different from them.”
He was right, and I grinned. “We should probably get back inside. I know I have to deal with more bullshit questions about the retirement.”
I hopped off the bench, then waited for Caleb and Jonah to follow. Just as we reached the path, Caleb tapped my arm.
“I think Journey’s waiting for you out here,” he murmured quietly. “On the porch. He went out there after you and Jonah walked off.”
My stomach sank. I knew what it was going to be about. It wasn’t hockey. It wasn’t retirement. It probably wasn’t even Hunter. It was the other big thing he’d probably suspected but never felt brave enough to ask me about.
“Okay. Thanks.”
Caleb squeezed my shoulder, then dropped his hand and took Jonah to guide him as I came to a stop. I could hear Journey’s feet shuffling and the familiar pattern of his breath. He was nervous, and I wished to god he would just let it go.
But I also knew better than that.
“You described a place like this once,” Journey said as we walked the path around the yard. “You said you wanted to live outside of the city where you could walk around and not feel like you had to protect yourself all the time.”
It really was freeing to go without my cane and not feel like I could trip and fall on my face at any second. And it was a relief not to have to reach over and take Journey’s arm. We were on even footing out here, in my space.
“Vanya went out of his way to make sure it was done right,” I said.
Journey cleared his throat. “Did—ah. Did he tell you what I said about you that night?”
“Yes.”
His footsteps stalled, so I turned to face him. The silence between us was heavy. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry, Micah. I shouldn’t have said that shit about you.”
My chest was burning. There were words I’d wanted to say for a while now and hadn’t felt brave enough. But he was the one who insisted we talk. “Are you sorry because you had shamed me, or are you sorry because you found out that me being slutty wasn’t true?”
“I—” He swallowed so thickly I could hear it catch in his throat. “I think up until this moment, I was sorry because it wasn’t true. But I shouldn’t have said it at all.”
I curled my hands into fists, then relaxed them.
Over and over, I did it until I felt myself calming down.
“You believed what everyone said about me, even when you knew me. Even when you saw that I couldn’t—” My voice cracked, and I stopped to collect myself.
“You knew intimacy was a problem. You were so fucking careful with me. So kind. But the moment I ended things, you were so quick to believe I was someone I wasn’t. ”
Journey let out a ragged breath. “You leaned in, Micah. You never contradicted anyone. You made jokes. You were always on fucking apps—different dates every other night. If you had told me—if you had told anyone—that they were full of shit, I would have defended you. Even if you’d been on a hundred dates, if you’d said even once that it wasn’t like that, I would have had your back. ”
I had to take that one. It was true. I’d leaned in so hard and so fast, and at the time, it had been a relief that Journey believed the bullshit. It was easier to let him think that it was just him I couldn’t get it up for.
And in a way, maybe it was like that. I still struggled. It wasn’t a fuck fest every night with me and Vanya. Now that we’d settled into something like a routine, my libido went quiet more than it got loud.
But Vanya never cared.
He was the exception to all my rules. He was my everything. And now that I was exploring that maybe it wasn’t just trauma, maybe I was somewhere on the ace spectrum, I also could trust he’d be there with me as I figured out who I was without all the masks.
“I’m sorry I lied,” I finally said. “I was trying to protect myself, and I went about it the worst way possible.”
Journey stepped closer to me. “Can I touch you?”
“Yeah, but be careful. Vanya’s probably watching, and he will rip your balls off.”
Journey burst into laughter and yanked me into a hug.
“I’ll take the risk. I knew something was off with you, and I should have checked in, and I’m so sorry I didn’t.
I’m just glad you’re okay, and I’m sorry about the things I said.
And I’m sorry it took until tonight to realize it was wrong, no matter what. ”
“I accept your apology.” I held him back for a long moment, then let go. “I like having you as a friend. I don’t want that to change.”
“It won’t. And now that I own your boyfriend—”
“Say that to my face,” came Vanya’s booming voice.
I grinned. I knew he’d been watching. I hadn’t been able to hear his footsteps, but I swear to god it was supernatural the way I could feel his presence like a second heartbeat. Journey let me go completely, and Vanya was quick to take his place.
“Fine. I own your team, and I like you,” he added, making Vanya squeeze me tighter. “I’ll be around more often now, and I’d like to go back to the way it was. When it was good.”
“I will think about it,” Vanya said.
I elbowed him. “I get to decide.”
He huffed and nosed my ear. “Fine. But I will be jealous.”
“You don’t need to be,” Journey said softly. “Things have been good for me lately. I’m not ready to say why—or tell you who—but it’s…it’s been nice.”
I smiled and leaned back into Vanya’s arms. “I’m glad. You deserve it. You were one of the few people willing to be careful with me. Whoever has you is lucky.”
“I am too,” Journey said. “Anyway, I’ll let you two have your moment. I think the guys are getting restless.”
“We’re kind of being bad hosts,” I said, turning in Vanya’s arms as I listened to Journey make his way back up to the house.
Vanya hummed and lifted my chin to kiss me. “They’ll get over it.”
They would. They always did. And they didn’t love me less for it.
Vanya brushed a touch along my jaw, and it made my heart beat a little harder. “You ready for one more season?”
“I think I am,” I told him. And this year, I would make it a good one. Maybe we wouldn’t make playoffs. Maybe I wouldn’t win awards, but I felt like for the first time, I could give myself fully to the game. As a gift. As my final goodbye.
Because so many good things would be waiting for me when it was over.