26. Scarlet
26
SCARLET
I t’s getting easier to wake up wearing a smile. The moment I’m awake and aware, the first thing I think about is Ren.
Another day spent with Ren.
Because that’s who he is now.
He’s been the old Ren for more than a week. The Ren who makes me laugh, who listens to me, who makes me feel seen and protected. Possessive, maybe even overbearing, but I like that. I always have. I guess it comes from growing up around extremely protective people.
Somehow, the cabin feels larger.
The air smells fresher. The sun shines brighter.
My imagination? Sure. So what?
I’m happy. I’m hopeful. What else matters?
My smile widens once I press my nose to his pillow, inhaling him, wrapping my arms around it, and pulling it in close. He promised we’d take a walk today. I never imagined something so simple bringing me such happiness, but it’s not the walk itself I care about. Being with him and feeling connected are all that matters. We have so much lost time to make up for.
Plus, getting some fresh air couldn’t hurt. He needs to get outside more, soak in sunlight and get healthy. He’s gone too long without anybody to look after him. When he’s in this gentle, familiar mood, it’s a lot easier to convince him to take care of himself.
He’s already up, which comes as no surprise. I can’t pretend I wasn’t hoping he’d be in bed, though, if only so we could indulge in each other a little.
I crave our connection the way I always have and look for any opportunity to strengthen it.
Who am I trying to kid? I want him. I want his knowing touch, his searing kisses, and even the way he sometimes pushes my boundaries until I’m caught hanging on the edge of fear that only intensifies the pleasure. The sense of being owned, the way he takes my body and does what he wants, whatever he wants. Maybe it should scare me—maybe it should infuriate me.
It doesn’t. I like it too much. It feels like coming home.
Giving myself to him, the man I’ve always belonged to, anyway.
And it seems to calm him down. In fact, when I think about it, the night he took me so hard and rough was the night his mood changed.
He’s been mellow ever since. Yet another reason for me to wish he was here right now, so I could touch and stroke and kiss him.
I’m starting to understand he doesn’t need as much sleep as I do. I’m learning his rhythms—yet another unimagined joy, something as mundane as that. He already made coffee, the rich aroma enough to make me sit up and stretch. One good thing about waking up alone: there’s already coffee waiting.
“No. I didn’t say that.”
My eyes close, and I wince at the sound of his voice.
Not that I don’t like hearing it, but I hate to wake up and find him already talking with River. It’s easier to keep him feeling upbeat and even-tempered when I’m the only person he has contact with. Selfish? Maybe a little, but in the end, he’s what I’m most concerned with.
His health, his happiness.
He doesn’t need River’s anger and scheming to worm its way into our lives. Lately, things have been good between them. Happy. One night, I overheard Ren reminiscing with his brother over what took place in the little house in the woods. He thought I was sleeping, or else he wouldn’t have gone into detail.
I made it a point to wrap my pillow around my ears. I don’t want to hear it. I’ve already seen and heard enough. Not that I needed the details to feel chilled by the nasty, seething satisfaction in his voice.
Whoever that man was, he must’ve been pure evil.
So evil, people are rejoicing over his violent, painful death.
“That was your idea,” he continues, his voice barely more than a whisper. “I’m the one who suggested going down there and using the codes I got from Christian… What do you mean? What do I think I’m going to accomplish? What the hell do you think?”
Goose bumps race over my skin, and I shiver in their wake.
What’s he talking about? Going down where? To Reno?
“I asked him about that, remember? He said they’re building one, but it isn’t well-stocked yet.”
A lump forms in my throat. What could he be referring to?
I’ve already learned how dangerous getting too close to his plans and activities is. The smart thing to do would be to pretend I never heard anything.
How am I supposed to when it’s starting to feel more and more like River is leading Ren down a dangerous path? It’s like we’re battling it out, fighting for Ren’s soul, even though we’ve never met.
I don’t think I want to meet him, either.
“I would hardly call a handful of shotguns an arsenal, you know.”
An arsenal?
Fear wraps itself around me like steel bands squeezing my chest, making it almost impossible to breathe. They’re making it sound like these cult people are armed. And he wants to go in there and kill them?
One person against a small army?
It’s concern and that terrible, all-consuming fear that pushes me out of the bedroom on tiptoes. He’s sitting at the table, wearing a dark T-shirt and jeans as usual, leaning close to the screen.
Same story, different day. I can only see half of Ren’s face, but it’s clear from his profile alone that he’s getting angrier with every word coming through his earbuds.
“Fuck off. This was all your idea in the first place, remember? You started it. This was what you wanted.”
The tension in his voice sends an icy finger down my spine. Great. I had to go and jinx things, didn’t I? Thinking we’re on a good path since everything’s been going smoothly for us ever since that scary, bloody night.
My heart thuds, sinking lower and lower.
I tiptoe a bit closer, rounding the table. I want to look at this River.
The man pulling the strings. I ought to at least be able to get a look at him.
Only… the screen is dark from this angle. A privacy screen so passersby can’t make out what’s there? I’m not even allowed to get a glimpse of what he’s doing; who he’s talking to? He doesn’t trust me enough.
All at once, he whirls in the chair, his eyes hard and steely while he slams the laptop shut.
“What are you doing? Get back in the bedroom, dammit.”
I’m so overwhelmed, so shocked that the notion of defying him doesn’t occur to me. My feet are moving before my brain catches up, carrying me across the room and into the bedroom again. I plop down on the bed, gripping the edge of the mattress in both hands, my insides twisting and churning.
Damn River.
Damn him for this.
He’s the one who keeps turning Ren against me. I’m sure he doesn’t like the idea of me being a part of their plan. He might even resent me for being here.
Whatever he feels, he’s using it to twist his brother and turn him into this animal whose anger is always at a low simmer. Always ready to heighten to a boil at the slightest provocation. Even when I don’t mean to provoke him.
I only want to love him.
He doesn’t keep me waiting long, at least. It’s less than a minute before his footsteps echo in the otherwise silent cabin. I brace myself, holding my breath and wishing harder than ever that River would have a sudden, tragic accident and leave Ren and me by ourselves.
I can’t look up at him right away.
I’m afraid to see his face, what’s written on it.
Only when he speaks can I breathe again.
“I’m sorry for snapping. You caught me by surprise. I was too deep in my planning, and being startled set me off. It wasn’t your fault, and I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.”
He’s leaning against the doorframe, shoulders up around his ears while he jams his hands into his pockets. “Forgive me?” he murmurs, lifting his brows.
“Sure. It’s all right.” I manage a weak smile, even though my anger toward River keeps me from meaning it. “You hungry? I could make some eggs.” The sooner we brush this aside, the better.
He offers a sheepish grin. “That sounds great. You make them much better than I do.”
I snort before getting up, standing on tiptoes to kiss him and run a hand over his scruffy cheek.
“Spoken like somebody who likes handing over the cooking duties.”
“No comment,” he mutters with a snicker, and we laugh together as I walk to the stove. At least his dark cloud passed quickly this time. There’s never any way of knowing whether it will.
My dark cloud, on the other hand, is still stuck squarely over my head as I pull food from the fridge. The laptop is still on the table, a reminder of River and his poison. I know they’re brothers, and they both suffered, but he’s become the symbol of all the problems I’ve experienced with Ren. Even the parts that aren’t his fault—like my suspicions about Ren being hurt or sick at some point—have become his fault in my scarred heart.
In other words, I need a scapegoat, and he’s as good a scapegoat as any.
An arsenal? I can’t keep the word out of my head as I set eggs and butter on the counter while Ren stands at the window, commenting on what a nice day it’s supposed to be. There are so many secrets in that head of his. I stare at his back, hoping he’ll come clean with me yet knowing he won’t. He wouldn’t want to admit he knows these maniacs could be armed.
What happens if we go to Reno and he’s killed? My entire body shudders at the idea, and I have to put down the egg I was about to crack for fear of crushing it in my hand.
No. I can’t even entertain the possibility of losing him.
“Where’d you go?”
His gentle, almost joking question stirs me out of the dark, horrible thoughts racing through my head. One glance his way tells me he’s concerned, watching me closely with his brows drawn together.
“Are you okay? Do you feel sick?”
I shake my head even though that’s exactly how I feel. Sick. Worried half to death. “I’m not sick. I’m worried about you.”
Whoops. So much for keeping my mouth shut.
I can’t shove the words back into my mouth.
He takes it well, chuckling and shrugging like there’s anything to be lighthearted about. “There’s no reason to be.”
“That’s easy for you to say.”
“Because it’s true,” he insists in a tone that reminds me far too much of how the men in my life have always placated their women. Like we’re children, too dim and naive to comprehend their business.
I slap my hand on the counter in impotent fury. I’m tired of it.
“That’s easy for you to say.”
I didn’t mean to yell it—and now, the way he lowers his brow and hits me with a stern look, I regret it. That doesn’t mean I feel any differently, though. In fact, it feels sort of good to let my true thoughts out.
That good, warm, strong feeling is what makes it possible for me to lift my chin even under the weight of his glare.
“I’m sorry for getting upset, but I’ve tried every way I know how to calmly express how concerned I am. What if something happened to you? These people, this cult… I heard you talking to your brother. You mentioned an arsenal.”
He doesn’t blink, merely accepting this. At least he doesn’t bother trying to tell me I’m wrong. If he gaslit me after all this, that might be the last straw.
I might fall to pieces, and I doubt anybody could put me back together.
Not even Ren.
His shoulders sink before a soft sigh eases from between his parted lips.
“I did. We’re assuming they have one in place at the new compound because they had one before, at Safe Haven.”
I can’t keep my voice from shaking as all the emotion I’ve had to bottle up so far threatens to come pouring out. It was inevitable, wasn’t it? Either I let it out or I die from it. “You’re trying to be careful. That’s good. But if they do have an arsenal? What then? You don’t even have a single gun.”
“I could change that.”
“Ren…” He goes blurry an instant before tears spill over my lashes and onto my cheeks. “How is this going to end? How do you honestly see this ending?”
“How do you think? With them regretting they were ever born.”
When all I can do is tip my head to the side while a sob bursts out of me, he groans and scrubs his hands through his hair. “What do you want me to say? We’re going to kill them. We’re putting an end to it.”
“Who are they? How many people does that include? When does it stop?”
“Scarlet—”
I flinch out of the way when he reaches for me because I know how this will end if I let him place a hand on me. I’ll forget why I was so upset in the first place. That’s the power he has over me. The hold. He’s had it since the first day I saw his face and heard his voice, and that hold has only gotten stronger with time.
“I want to talk this out. I need to. Don’t you get that?” I pound my palm against my chest, but it doesn’t hurt nearly as much as the idea of losing him.
Not when we’ve finally found our way to each other.
“Okay.” He blows out another sigh that puffs out his cheeks. He’s staying calm. That’s a good sign. Maybe it was the tears or the fact that I won’t let him touch me. He knows I’m serious, how important this is.
The only problem is, now that I have his attention and he’s in control of his temper, I don’t know what to say.
Why not start with the truth? “I love you.”
A brief smile touches his lips. “I love you, too. Always.”
I touch my chest again, this time leaving my hand over my heart. “For years, all I could do was think about you. Want you. I craved you for so long. You know I did.”
“You made life impossible for me,” he murmurs with a soft chuckle.
“I know. I wasn’t about to give up on you. On us. Because I knew, I knew it in my soul, that you were the only man I would ever love. You’re my soul mate. We were meant to be together.”
“I agree with you.”
“So how do you think it makes me feel to know you could throw it all away? For… revenge?”
He holds up a hand, breathing heavier than before.
I’m pushing him, aren’t I? But dammit, I deserve to have my say. This is supposed to be a relationship, not a one-way street.
“Listen,” I whisper, struggling to keep my own emotions in check before I do something stupid like start screaming or throwing things. “If you were to be shot… if I lost you…”
I have to turn my head away, my chest so tight I can hardly breathe.
“Just thinking about it hurts. It hurts so much. The thought of you dying or not being here.”
“Don’t think about it, then.”
“Right.” I bark out a disbelieving laugh, my head swinging around to face him again. “It’s that easy. Though honestly, I guess it should be. I’ve had to stop thinking about unpleasant things my entire life. Just think about something nice, or maybe try not to think about anything at all. Is that what you’re asking me to do?”
“It might help.”
“Seriously?”
“What else do you want me to say?”
“That you’ll stop this? Maybe?”
His face falls—not that I didn’t already know I was asking the impossible, but a tiny hope flickered in the back of my mind.
Like maybe if he saw what this was doing to me, I might be able to get through. Whatever veil is over his eyes would lift so he could see the truth of how his actions affect me. Hurt me.
And him. How it’s changing him.
I’m afraid to say it. I don’t want him to take it as an attack. It would mean losing the ground I’ve managed to gain. I could end up back in the bedroom, locked away like a child who talked back one time too many.
“It’s hurting me,” I finally settle on whispering. “I’m sorry. I’m trying as hard as I can to follow your lead and trust this will all be okay, but the way you describe the people you’re after… they’re monsters.”
“Monsters who deserve to die.”
“Monsters who could be capable of anything.” I force myself to hold his gaze rather than back down. I don’t want to back down anymore. He’s too important. My love for him is more important than my fear. “I can’t lose you. It would kill me. I’d want to die, too.”
It’s like my words have the power to break through whatever was holding him in place. Even though I tense, wanting to hold myself back, he gathers me in his arms. I can’t pretend it doesn’t feel good, that my heart doesn’t cry out in relief at his touch. That burying my face against his chest and breathing in his familiar scent isn’t a balm on my troubled soul.
“Please, don’t say that.” His lips graze the top of my head, my ear, my cheek. “I can’t handle the thought of you dying, but especially not because of me.”
“Then please, please, rethink this.” With his T-shirt gathered in my fists, damp from the tears I can’t contain, I look up at him. “Please. For me. Protect yourself for me.”
He searches my face, his eyes troubled, muscles twitching. I want so much to take this away from him, all of it. I would give anything to spare him even a moment’s heartache.
But I can’t. Not this time. I can’t make this right for him.
He’s got to make it right for himself.
I know it. But I don’t have to like it.
His eyes slowly close, his head hanging low until our foreheads touch. “Scarlet. My angel. I wish I could. I really do.”
“But?” My lip trembles.
“But this isn’t about me alone. If it was, I might consider it.” He strokes my cheeks with his thumbs, his touch gentle and loving. “I wish I had the luxury of thinking about myself alone. But if they’re out there, doing the same shit they were before, countless other lives are at risk, and I can’t forget them.”
He lifts his head with a groan. “Like in Reno. Kids are going missing, runaways and street kids who’ve suddenly vanished after being seen with a guy who looks a lot like the son of the couple who founded Safe Haven. Those kids, their families… I can’t sit back, knowing what Rebecca is capable of, and not do anything about it.”
Dammit. Damn every last bit of it.
Because now, I’m looking at not only the dark, avenging angel.
I’m looking at a hero who leaves my heart swelling with pride and my love deepening beyond what I thought was possible. That’s what he is, no matter how well I know he’d tell me to get real if I so much as breathed the word. He’s as noble as I always imagined—no, more.
He wants to protect those kids.
Considering how his experience in the cult shaped his life—how it haunts him—who am I to stop him from doing what needs to be done?
“Hey.” He pulls my face close; the intense blue of his eyes mesmerizes, so much so that I nearly get lost in them. “You’re still with me, right? You’re not walking away. Are you?”
“Ren—”
“Are you?” he demands through clenched teeth. What would he do or say if I did? “Are you going back on your word?”
“No. No, I’m not. That’s not what I’m saying at all.”
I pause, drawing a deep breath, giving what comes next the weight it deserves. “I’m never walking away from you. I’m never going back on my word. I’m with you, all the way.”
“No matter what?”
The hope in his voice almost makes him sound like a little boy. The way it radiates from his face. I can almost imagine him as the little kid caught up in the twisted games those people played. He didn’t stand a chance, the poor thing.
So many others could be going through the same thing at this very moment. So many other little boys and girls who might one day carry around the ghosts of what they suffered.
I can’t let him down .
What’s more, I can’t let him go through this on his own.
“No matter what,” I agree, and I mean it with every beat of my heart.
“Good.” His face seems to transform when he smiles. I’d do anything to make him this happy all the time. Glowing, radiant with it. “River gave me more information this morning. We’re ready to get rolling on the next phase.”
I nod, forcing a smile that can’t possibly look sincere.
He’s so exhilarated, so full of excited energy, I doubt he notices.
“Shit.” To my surprise, he lifts an arm and sniffs, his nose wrinkling comically. “I need a shower. I’m sorry you have to come near me when I’m like this. Sometimes, it’s like I forget about everything else when we get deep into our plans.”
“I’ve noticed.” Either I’m very good at concealing my irritation with River or he’s too busy buzzing with excitement to see it for what it is. “You’re lucky I’m here to keep an eye on you.”
“Oh, I knew that already.” He smiles down at me, and I can’t help but bask in the warmth and glow of his love. If only I could turn him away from this crazy idea. Why am I not enough to make him see everything he’s risking?
“Get your stinky ass in the shower, then.” I give him a playful shove toward the bathroom, laughing before I turn to the table. The sight of the closed laptop leaves me scowling. I wish I knew how to reach River. I believe the two of us could have a nice, informative chat.
It isn’t the laptop or River on my mind once my gaze drifts a few inches to the left, where Ren’s phone sits.
How many times have I watched him tuck that phone into his pocket and wished he’d be a little less careful? He never leaves it lying around. There hasn’t been a chance for me to reach out to calm my family and ease the fears I know they must wrestle with.
Now, there’s more at stake. Ren’s safety, his life. He might be walking headfirst to his own execution, and nothing I say or do will be enough to change his mind. He’s set on this course. He’s almost manic with excitement.
Now more than ever, I need advice. I need help. I need my brother.
And there might never be another chance.
With one eye on the closed bathroom door, and my heart pounding like a triphammer, I close my fingers around the phone, glad to find it unlocked. It’s a new phone, a burner, but Q has kept the same phone number for years. I know it by heart and punch it in before I can lose my nerve.
“Hello?”
My brother’s distrusting bark brings tears to my eyes once again. I only thought I missed him before now; when his voice brings his face to mind in clear detail, the tightness in my throat threatens to strangle me.
“Quinton?” I whisper, one hand cupped close to my mouth to smother the sound.
“Scar? Oh shit, is it you? Are you okay? Where are you? Does Ren still have you? Has he hurt you?” I’m pretty sure it all comes out in a single breath, his questions almost overlapping.
“I’m okay. I really am.”
“Aspen told me about the two of you,” he announces, and it falls on my ears like a lead weight. “Why didn’t you talk to me?”
My heart clenches and a surge of heat—the heat of betrayal—threatens to singe my insides before reason calms me. Of course, she’d do that. I’m sure as soon as they knew Ren had taken me, she confessed our conversation. It might’ve been a means of convincing Q he had nothing to worry about, that Ren would never hurt me. That I’d want to be with him.
“She told you?”
“I know she broke her promise not to tell anyone, but you need to understand we were losing our minds. Mom was inconsolable, Dad was literally going to go on a killing spree, and I was right behind him. Aspen only told us so we would calm down.”
“We’ve had men looking for you far and wide,” he continues, his words still rushed. “Dad’s been working day and night, calling police departments and greasing palms to make sure we hear first of anything out of the ordinary. He’s on the edge. It’s a miracle he hasn’t killed anyone yet for lack of decent intel.
“And Mom’s… still beside herself,” he adds, some of the anxiousness draining from his rant. “There’s no comforting her, no matter how we try.”
This is nothing new. It comes as no surprise. She already lost Adela, and now I’m gone, too. I never asked Ren to kidnap me, so why does the crushing weight of immense guilt threaten to make me crumple on the spot.
There’s no time for this. He won’t be in there forever. We might already have taken too long. “Listen, please. I’m sorry I’ve had you worried, and please, please, tell Mom and Aspen I’m fine. I mean it. They don’t have to worry about me. None of you do.”
“Where are you? Can you tell me?”
“I don’t know, exactly. But that’s not why?—”
“You can’t tell me anything? Dammit, you should’ve called the house so we could track your location.”
This is spinning out of control. I turn away from the bathroom toward the window, my voice little more than a breath. “Listen to me, for fuck’s sake. That’s not why I’m calling. I don’t need to be rescued. I’m not the problem.”
Wrong choice of words. So very wrong. “Ren is? What’s wrong with him? What’s he doing to you?”
“Nothing, I swear! But he’s?—”
Everything in me freezes for a heartbeat when the latch clicks. When Ren opens the door behind me.
In the time it takes the hinges to squeal, I end the call, clutching the phone to my chest in one trembling fist. Please, don’t let him see. Don’t let him know. All at once, a deep certainty of the betrayal he’ll interpret this as slams into me and makes my stomach churn.
“Hey,” he murmurs, sounding playful. “I was thinking, we should conserve the hot water. Wanna join me?”
He hasn’t noticed. I wonder if he realizes he left the phone sitting out. I have to answer him. “Give me a second so the water will run hot by the time I get in there. I’m not used to cold showers like you are.” I throw a careless grin over my shoulder, my teeth grinding together.
He only laughs softly, arching an eyebrow. “Better hurry. I’m not in a patient mood.” He ends on a growl before closing the door, leaving my body to sag a little as the tension breaks and my muscles go watery.
There’s no time to call Q again. All I can do is delete the record of the call, then place the phone exactly where I found it.
The sense of guilt at betraying Ren’s trust leaves a sour taste in my mouth, but I had the right intentions.
He needs help, and I don’t think I’m the person best suited to give it to him.