12. Ren
12
REN
“ H ow are you feeling today, Ren?” Dr. Stone asks through the iron bars before quickly following up with, “It is Ren I’m talking to, right?” She is wearing her usual business casual therapist attire, but her hair is down today instead of up in a bun.
“Yes, it’s me,” I confirm, as I sit up and get comfortable on my cot. At least as comfortable as I can get.
“To your knowledge, has River made an appearance since you have been here?” She looks around the small holding cell I’m currently in.
“No.”
“Interesting,” she mumbles with a hint of surprise before writing something down on her notepad.
“You seem stunned by that. How come?”
“You are very intuitive.” She smiles, her eyebrows furrowed, as if she is thinking about telling me something. “Well, if I’m being honest, from the little I know, it seems that River appears in stressful situations and to most people, being confined in a cell would be a triggering circumstance.”
Now it’s my turn to smile. “Believe it or not, this is the most relaxed I’ve been for a very long time.” I get this is hard to understand for normal people, but I’m not normal. “Before Xander found me, I was on the run… from him. Now that I’m here, and I know he has decided not to kill me, there is no imminent danger.”
I wonder if I’ve said too much, but I also know Xander must pay her enough to keep everything confidential.
Dr. Stone clears her throat before whispering, “Are you not scared he’ll still do something to you?” She suddenly looks nervous, as if she is worried she overstepped an invisible boundary.
“If he wanted to hurt me, he would have already done so. He only keeps me in here to keep me away from his daughter. And I don’t blame him, knowing what I know now. Until I can control River, I don’t want to be anywhere near Scarlet.”
“You worry about her?”
“Yes. River doesn’t like her, and I’m worried he will hurt her.”
“Has he hurt her before?”
“Not physically… at least I don’t think so.”
“And how do you feel about that?”
“At first I was mad at him, but now I have to come to terms with the realization that I am him.” I want to talk to Scarlet so bad. I need to know what exactly I said to her when I was River. What did I do to my angel?
“I don’t want you to feel guilty about what you do when you are River. You have no control over that part of yourself yet.”
“But River is part of me, so if I hurt her, she looked into my eyes when I did. It was me who said hurtful things to her.”
“Scarlet doesn’t seem to hold it against you, and neither should you. There are other, more important parts you need to deal with right now.”
Placing my elbows on my knees, I lean forward slightly. “And what would those be?”
“We need to get to the bottom of your trauma. We need to go where everything started.”
“That’s going to be a problem because I don’t remember.”
“Tell me what you do remember from your childhood. The time before you were adopted.”
I suck in a deep breath as I straighten my spine. This is not something I like to recall. I don’t remember much about Safe Haven but what I do remember is not good.
“It was just my sister Luna and I. We didn’t have parents. We lived in this compound with people we didn’t know. People that didn’t care much about us.”
“Did they hurt you?”
“Corporal punishment was a daily occurrence, yes.” I’ll never forget the sharp pain of the belt on my back or the sound the whip made when it split my skin. “I got used to it after a while.”
“Just because you are used to something doesn’t make it less painful,” Dr. Stone says, her voice full of emotions. She feels sorry for me, and I hate it. She should feel sorry for the people I’m going to kill.
I shrug. “I could handle the pain.”
She doesn’t look convinced. “I would like to do a little exercise with you if you are up for it. Some inner child work, but only if you are comfortable. If you feel like you can’t handle it at any time, just let me know, and we’ll stop.”
“Sure,” I agree. “I’ll try it.”
“Great!” Dr. Stone slaps her hands together in excitement. “Why don’t you lie down and get comfortable? Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths.”
I do as suggested and lie back on my cot, closing my eyes and sucking in a few calming breaths.
“Now I want you to imagine you are somewhere you feel safe and calm.”
My thoughts drift to my parents’ house. The first place I felt safe and loved. Unlike Safe Haven, my adopted parents didn’t believe in corporal punishment. They never raised their hand to us. I didn’t have to protect Luna or myself.
“Now I want you to imagine yourself as a child, standing in front of you in that safe place. I want you to imagine yourself before your family adopted you. Whatever age you were when you still lived at the compound and had to endure corporal punishments.”
A little boy appears in front of me. Large, fearful eyes yearning for love looking up at me.
“How does he seem? What does he look like?”
“He looks scared, and also a bit angry that no adult is there to love him and keep him safe. He feels… abandoned.” I remember the feeling very well. “Alone and frightened, but ready to protect Luna at all costs.”
“It sounds like you have always been a protector, first Luna and now Scarlet. That’s a lot to take on for one person.”
“I can handle it.”
“I believe you can, but can that little boy you are looking at? Can he handle it?”
In my mind, the little boy shakes his head. My heart aches for him… for that part of myself. “I don’t think so, but he had to.” He had to endure way more than any child should.
“If you feel like you can, you could tell that boy that he is not alone anymore. You can tell him it’s not his fault and that you understand his pain.”
My throat clogs up with emotions. With feelings I don’t want to face. I open my eyes and sit up to look around my small cell. Back to reality. “I don’t want to do that right now.”
“That’s okay. You don’t have to do anything you are not comfortable with. You did great,” she praises me. “This was a good start, and we learned a lot about you already. A lot of useful insights that will make it easier to treat you.”
For the rest of our session, we talk about the lighter side of my childhood, good memories with my adoptive parents and Luna, things I don’t mind sharing. Quite the opposite, I like to recall them. Those are times I cherish, and I hadn’t thought about for a while.
“That was a good session,” Dr. Stone exclaims as she gets up from her chair outside my cell. She gathers her things and places everything in her oversized purse. “If you don’t mind, I would like to give you a little bit of homework.”
“Not sure if I have time. I’m kind of busy sitting around here and doing nothing,” I joke, making the doctor laugh.
“Well, if you find a few minutes here and there, I would like you to prepare yourself to talk more about the bad times of your childhood. I know it doesn’t feel good, and your instinct is to just not talk about it. But to treat you properly we unfortunately have to go there.”
“How exactly do I prepare?” I question.
“Just think about it in your head. We want to be able to validate that little boy’s feelings. Tell that part of you that you are stronger now, that you will take on those monsters so he doesn’t have to.”
“That sounds a little odd, but I guess I’ll try it.” Not like I have anything better to do.
“Oh, I almost forgot. I brought you a book about DID.” She digs in her purse, pulling out a paperback. She hands me the book through the iron bars. I flip it over so I can see the cover and read the title; Dissociative Identity Disorder for Patients .
“I will give it a go,” I promise as I flip through the colorful pages.
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Dr. Stone says before walking down the long hallway. The click clacking of her heels slowly fading away until I’m by myself once again.