16. Scarlet
16
SCARLET
“ I ’m so glad you decided to come out with me. It’s not that I mind shopping when I’m by myself, but it’s so much more fun to have somebody to talk to and ask for opinions.”
Aspen smiles at me from over the top of a rack of baby clothes. They are adorable, so cute I could cry. Little dresses, little pairs of overalls. The tiniest shoes. My fingers itch with the need to touch everything, to hold it.
To put it in a cart so I can buy it for my baby.
Impossible. I can’t even afford to think about it as we move from rack to rack in the cute little store. The mood here is bright and cheerful, and it’s infectious. I’m able to smile happily through the jealousy that exists on the edges of my awareness.
I want to be able to do this for myself. I want to be happy about being pregnant. I want to feel hopeful, the way Aspen does. Instead, I carry the secret inside me, knowing it would be a very bad idea to announce it now. At this rate, I don’t know when would be a good time to tell everybody. I haven’t even gotten up the nerve to tell Ren, mostly because I’m still never sure if River is going to pop out. I don’t feel like trying to share a personal moment with somebody who hates me just for existing.
And forget telling my family. I don’t even want to think about the horror show that would turn into. Dad would never let me out of my room again. Quinton would never stop bitching and making threats against somebody he was supposed to love like a brother. There’s a tiny part of me that wonders if something like a baby would eventually unite us, but I’m not a little girl anymore. I can’t afford to believe in the impossible.
“How do you feel?” I’m genuinely curious, and not only because she’s my sister-in-law, and she’s carrying my little niece or nephew. I sort of want to know what to expect once the months start to pass.
Her eyes cut to the side, where one of the guard’s Q insisted on sending with us stands only ten feet away, his back to the front door. There’s another guard at the rear exit, as well. Can’t be too careful.
She tips her head to the side, and I follow the direction until we are a little further away from any third parties who don’t need to hear the details. “Honestly, I feel terrible. I’m tired all the time, and I’m starting to get really big. I might have to get shoes I don’t have to tie, since it’s getting harder to reach my feet. I’m dreading having to get up at night and pee all the time, too. That should start happening soon.”
But even as she says it, it’s obvious she’s thrilled out of her mind. She went through a lot before this pregnancy came along—she and Q both did. They deserve their happiness.
So why does my heart hurt so bad? Why don’t I get to have that same happiness? I want to tear through the store and make up a registry like a woman is doing right now, wandering around with her husband or boyfriend or whoever, aiming her little scanner gun at one thing after another while they glow with joy. I hate them.
“Hey. Are you okay?” Aspen touches a hand to my back, leaning in like she’s concerned. “I’m sorry. With everything you’re going through, you don’t need to hear about my?—”
“No, no. Don’t even think that,” I insist. “I am not going to be one of those people who won’t let anybody be happy around them. And Ren is going to get better. It’ll be okay.”
So why did my voice break just then? Why does it sound so much like I’m going to cry? Hormones, I guess.
“You know, it’s all right for you to not be okay,” she whispers while her hand moves in circles over my back. “Nobody’s going to judge you. You’ve been so strong. Sometimes, you have to take it easy on yourself and not expect so much after you’ve been through something difficult.”
“I know. You’re right. Really, though. I’ll be fine.”
“Tell that to the tear that just rolled down your cheek.” She pulls me in for a hug, which is a little awkward now that she’s getting so big, but I appreciate the gesture.
I also feel like a complete asshole for ruining the mood. Swiping a hand under my eyes, I mumble, “This is supposed to be about you, not me.”
She clicks her tongue and rolls her eyes once she lets me go. “Please. I’m not some heartless monster. You’re obviously going through it. I want to be here for you.”
She does, too. No matter what she’s been through, she is always loving and kind. It’s easy to see why Quinton fell for her.
Can I trust her? She’s never given me any reason not to, but then I’ve never told her anything this enormous. There are a lot of implications in something like this.
“I have to tell you something.” Now my heart is racing and I’m pretty sure I’m going to be sick, but at the same time, I don’t want to stop. I want to tell her. I can’t go through all of this on my own.
“You can tell me anything.” I notice the way she looks around to make sure neither of the guards has gotten any closer.
“I think… I think I might be pregnant, too.”
Her eyes fly open wide, and her mouth falls open before she catches herself. “Oh. Wow. Really? That’s… great?” She winces, gritting her teeth. “Sorry. I don’t know how you feel about it. How do you feel about it? I should’ve asked you that first.”
“It’s okay. I’m… I mean, I want to be happy, but…”
“I get it. Believe me.” She’s chewing her lip and there’s concern in her eyes as they search my face. “Your dad and your brother will have some pretty strong feelings about it.”
“I know, I know.” I roll my eyes and blow out a frustrated sigh. “Which is why I haven’t said anything yet.”
“How far along are you? Do you know?”
“I really don’t. I only know I’m super late. I was late even back at the cabin before I came home. And Ren didn’t use protection, so…” I can only shrug since it seems pretty obvious to me.
I can almost hear the plan click together in her head, while a look of determination hardens her features. “Okay. Here’s what we’re going to do.” If anything, I’m glad to hand the reins over to somebody else, so I don’t have to be the one thinking about things for once. “We’re going to have the driver take us to the pharmacy so you can get a test and make sure. I mean, you need to start taking vitamins and all that. The sooner, the better. We don’t want to lose any more time, right?”
Now, I’m so glad I told her. She has the luxury of seeing all of this from the outside, so she can think clearer than I can. “I’m in your hands.”
“Leave it to me.” Even though we haven’t bought anything, she links her arm with mine and leads me out of the store with the guards on our heels. Once we’re inside the car, she says, “Take us to the nearest drugstore, please.”
He looks at us in the rearview mirror. “That wasn’t planned on.”
“Well, sometimes lady problems aren’t planned on, you know?” Somehow, she manages to keep a straight face while he goes beet red in the mirror before starting the engine.
The closest store is only a few blocks away, as it turns out. She comes in with me but the bodyguards stand outside—-turns out even big, tough bodyguards don’t want to be around when lady problems are mentioned. I would laugh if I had it in me. Right now, I’m a little too nervous. I feel like there’s a spotlight on me as we walk down the aisle and come to a stop in front of a shelf full of various tests.
“Which one do I even take?” I can’t stop looking around, expecting somebody to discover us.
“Here. This one tells you in plain English whether you’re pregnant or not.” She thrusts the box into my hands, and we go up to the register, where my legs shake the whole time, and I can barely get through the entire transaction.
“I’m so nervous,” I whisper, eyeing the front door, expecting one of the guards to come looking for us. “What if they want to see what I bought?”
Aspen winces, then looks around. “There’s a bathroom in the back,” she whispers, tugging me in that direction rather than heading for the exit. “Come on. It’s only supposed to take three minutes to process.”
I can’t believe I’m doing this. Sneaking into a public restroom, peeing on a stick, then waiting what feels like forever. Three minutes have never lasted so long. Aspen waits for me outside, and under the door, I can see her shadow passing back and forth as she paces. I always did want a sister. So far, she’s pretty much the coolest one I could ever imagine having. No way could I get through this without her.
Finally, once my phone tells me it’s been exactly three minutes, I stare at that little wand on the sink like it’s going to explode. All I’m doing is confirming what I already know. Why does it feel so monumental?
And why does my heart drop like a rock when the words Not Pregnant greet me once I turn the test over?
Not pregnant. I am not pregnant. How could I have gotten it so wrong?
Why am I crumbling when I ought to be relieved? This is probably the worst possible time to have a baby, for so many reasons. Yet here I am, biting my lip to hold back a sob.
Aspen knocks softly on the door. “Hey. Okay in there? Do you need anything?”
I can think of a lot of things I need. At the top of the list is a shoulder to cry on. I ease the door open, staring at the floor. “I’m not pregnant,” I whisper, and just saying the words makes my throat clog up with tears.
“Oh, sweetie.” She gathers me against her for another hug, tight and fierce. “I’m so sorry. But, hey, everything happens for a reason. Right? I know that sounds corny, but it’s true.”
I know she’s right. I should be glad, really. We don’t need another complication on top of everything else.
But, dammit, I was starting to get used to the idea of having a baby. Mine and Ren’s. A part of both of us. The best part, the part that came from love. Now, I have nothing but broken dreams I shouldn’t have entertained in the first place. How could I have gotten so far ahead of myself?
“Why am I late then?” I rinse my face at the sink while Aspen waits. If I go out there looking like I just finished crying, somebody at home is going to find out. I don’t feel like dealing with a million questions.
“Who knows? These things happen. You’ve been through so much stress,” she points out. In the mirror, I see the way she frowns in sympathy. “Stress can really screw with your cycle, you know? And you were definitely going through plenty of stress. It could be as simple as that.”
Of course. My body was busy trying to get through all of the trauma I was experiencing. It’s no surprise I skipped a period.
If only that wasn’t the case.
If only I hadn’t already started loving a baby that never existed.
If only it didn’t feel so damn much like I’m losing everything that matters as we walk back to the car and ride home in silence.