Chapter 19
19
RUE
“D on’t do that again.” I look up from my hands on my lap and stare into the school’s parking lot. We’re sitting inside his sports car. The sleek black GT-R is a symbol of his family’s wealth and Malice’s mindset of whatever-I-want-I-get.
“Do what?” He drums his fingers on the steering wheel and glares at anyone who dares look in our direction.
“Dig yourself into a bigger hole for me,” I answer.
“Who gives a care?”
“Your parents. Your cousins. Your friends,” I point out.
“Then why aren’t they here?” He starts the engine.
“They don’t have to be sitting here to care.”
“Is that why you’re here? Because you care?”
I do. I hated hearing his dad yell at him through the principal’s office phone speaker while sitting on the other side of the door. “You’re giving me a ride to Leigh’s, remember?”
“I’m not going where you go, Rue. Baking is not my thing. But make sure you bring sweet treats back when she drops you off, yeah?”
Leigh and I aren’t planning on our usual baking session at her place. I asked her for a favor, a dangerous one. Riley always reminds me there’s safety in numbers. Having one of Leigh at my side is like having a girl gang. She is fierce and strong, having lived in Oakland before moving to Washington State.
Plus, she’s good friends with “Mad” Maddox Stassi, a billionaire playboy rumored to have mutilated the men who raped his little sister.
“Please don’t stand up for me again. Please don’t get yourself into trouble for me. And most importantly, never pass an idea around without my say. How dare you pair me with Trace?”
“Better to be with Trace than eye-fucked by that mother-effer.”
The mouth on the boy. He shifts into first gear and peels out of the parking lot. Kids scramble out of the way, and the scent of burning rubber permeates the inside of the car. I roll down the window. “Did you do the same with Olivia Stanton? Did you pair her with Seven to stop other guys from picking on her?”
“What are you talking about?”
“The lady who works at the office told me about your parents hiring first Riley and then Olivia to keep you out of trouble.”
“You believe her?”
“Why wouldn’t I? History is repeating itself.”
“What else did Courtney say?”
“Olivia was let go for something you did to a girl.”
“Courtney is throwing you off course. Olivia stayed with us for a few weeks while her parents worked on their divorce. Ugly as hell what she went through. My mom went through the same thing when her parents divorced and saw Olivia not handling it well.”
“Your mom has a big heart.”
“She does.”
“Why would Courtney throw me off course?”
“She had a thing for Midnight, and Midnight has a hard-on for your sister.”
It makes sense. Crushes and matters of the heart make people do crazy things. Case in point: Midnight and my sister. He burned down a guy’s house for staring too long at Riley.
It starts raining. I roll up my window. “I can fight my own battles.”
“That’s not what I’m seeing and hearing.”
“I thought you didn’t care what anyone thought?”
He deflects my question about him back to me. “Aren’t you tired of them talking about you behind your back?”
“I’m used to it.”
“You shouldn’t be.”
“What do you suggest I do?”
“Straighten up your life. Hang out with the right people.”
“You’re the right people?”
“Leigh. Seven. Your crew. Yes. But stay away from Isaac and his group. They’re no good.”
“Yet you made a deal with him.”
“I can deal with guys like him. You can’t.”
“And what kind of guy is he?” I ask, my annoyance rising at how quickly Malice makes a judgment based on where my half-brother lives and the outward appearance of him and his friends.
“He is someone who will never go far in life. He’ll take his last breath in this small backward town.”
Wow . “Just because he wasn’t born with a silver spoon in his mouth doesn’t mean he doesn’t have dreams for something bigger and better.”
“You think putting together illegal underground fights is a step in the right direction?”
“It’s a present-moment thing but not something Isaac plans to do forever.” I cross my arms. “You wouldn’t understand what it’s like growing up poor and without two loving parents.”
“You’re right, I wouldn’t know anything about absent parents.” He shifts gears and speeds up. I glance sidelong at him. Locked jaw. Straightforward stare. I understand that expression well.
“They love you.”
“They love their work more.”
“They give you your space. They trust you.”
“Remind me again why you’re here?”
I sigh. “You’ll regain their trust. We’ll work on your grades and staying out of trouble. They’ll be so proud, Malice.”
I hadn’t realized how much Malice missed having his parents around. All this time, I thought he liked being left alone by them, especially after hearing Shay complain about his father’s behavior on the sidelines at the football games. Or hearing how hard Winslow’s dad pushes him when he’s practicing his jumps and turns on the dirt track at the back of his parents’ property.
Malice downshifts and turns down a road opposite the one to Leigh’s place. Where is he taking us? “We’ll both get what we want. You’ll get your parents’ trust, and I’ll get everyone’s respect for a job well done.”
“Life doesn’t work that way.”
And he says I’m the pessimist. “I hate you for being a Debbie-downer. Stop raining on my parade, Malice Sterling.”
He ignores my sarcasm. “Are you planning on staying in Delridge?”
“Forever.” I lie.
Why tell him of my dream to live in a big city like Montgomery and work for one of Riley’s friend’s brothers flipping houses? He’s already put me in the same boat as Isaac, that I’ll amount to nothing and will take my last breath in this small, backward town.
At least with Arie’s family, I’ll fit right in. Her family is as messed up as mine. Riley said Arie has four siblings, with a fifth on the way. She and her two half-brothers have different fathers, while the fourth and soon-to-be fifth kids have the same father.
“There’s more to life than living in these dead-end towns. Why don’t you move in with Riley? She can help you make new friends.”
And watch Riley go through the same love-to-hate, hate-to-love situation I am going through with Malice, except with Midnight? Oh, hell no.
“I don’t want to be a burden.”
“Your uncle?”
“What about him? Are you saying I’m a burden to him?”
“Fuck, no.”
Thank goodness Malice doesn’t think so. My uncle’s fiancée kept saying I was one whenever I brought home less money.
“I have no idea where he is,” I admit. “I came back from picking up my last pay from the old lady I dog-watched for, and the house was empty and up for rent.”
“He abandoned you?”
The story of my life. “I hate you for giving a crap.”
“Ditto.”
He takes another turn. The road is familiar. We’re driving to the spot where we lost our virginity to one another. My heart beats out of control. My mouth is dry.
“I hate that you traded your truck for this shiny piece of metal. Hate that you never asked how I was after… After what happened.” My miscarriage. “Hate that you moved on and left me behind.”
Where is all this emotion coming from?
“Rue.”
I shake my head. “I’m sorry. That was…” I sigh. “That was meant to stay in my head.”
“Don’t.” He reaches over and covers my hands on my lap with his big one. “Don’t keep silent. Hate on me, Rue. I can take your disappointment.”
The road goes from smooth to bumpy. We’re on the dirt road leading to the spot beneath the willow tree. A question loops in my mind. I shouldn’t ask it. Asking will get me in a world of hurt. But Malice wants me to talk. He wants to hear in words how much I hate him.
“Did you trade in the truck for the GT-R because you wanted to forget what we did?”
“Would we be here had I forgotten how you moved and moaned beneath me?” Said with need and anger. How can he want and hate me at the same moment?
He removes his hand from over mine and parks. There are rolling hills of green grass for miles. Rain pelts the windshield, and the windows fog up. I undo my seatbelt and face him. “I hated how much you wanted me. You smothered me with your huge body and kept me from breathing with the needy way you kissed me. I hated every moment with you.” I don’t. What we did lives in my dreams. I remember every moment. “I—” I blink back the tears. “I hate you, Malice.”
He sighs, and it’s heavy. “I hate you too, Regret. Hate that you surround yourself with a loser who doesn’t know your worth.”
If he thinks that lowly of Isaac, then in his eyes, I am just as worthless.
“I hate that you hide your feelings behind a steel wall. Hate that you don’t let people in,” he continues.
How can he say that? I have friends, and my feelings are out in the open. Or is Malice projecting onto me how he sees himself? Two guys make up Malice’s friend group, and since our hate fest began two years ago, he hasn’t let another girl into his life.
I play his hate game.
“So, me hiding my feelings is the reason you announced, without my agreement, that Trace is my boyfriend? Would you like me to let him in?” I goad. “Show him I’m capable of having feelings?”
“You plan on opening up to him?”
“Would you hate me more?”
“Yeah, I would.”
“You’re fine with him touching and kissing me?”
“To get that douchebag and other kids off your back? Sure.”
“Trace can come over?”
“I’m expecting it.”
Bullshit.
“He can spend the night with me?”
“You’re pushing your luck, Rue.”
“I’ll stop pushing if you take everything back tomorrow.”
“Not on your life.”
“Why not? You hate me.”
“Yeah, I do.”
Except what he does next is the opposite of hate. Malice pushes back his seat, pulls me onto his lap, and wraps me in his arms. I don’t put up a fight. Instead, I stare into his beautiful, expressive eyes. They are the window to his soul.
“Only I get your hate, Rue. No one else. Promise me?”
I say what is in my heart. “Only you. I’ve always hated just you.”
“Good. That’s good, Regret.”
Our hate will drive a deeper wedge between us, making it easier for me to return to my old life and Delridge High when I’m done with this job. I’ll go back to my bad rep and hopefully find a guy who will accept me for me. Enough to want to be my first boyfriend.