Chapter 21
21
RUE
T he next day and the rest of the week at school are different from the horrible first day. Trace didn’t break up with me as I thought he would and as Malice had demanded he do.
Trace stuck by my side and glared at anyone who looked in my direction while Malice finished his suspension at home.
Malice asked every day whether Trace had broken up with me. Every day, my answer was “no.” Malice brooded or smirked before he avoided me for the rest of the day and night, even when I tried bribing him into studying with me using homemade cookies. He gave me a terse “No, thanks” and then returned to tinkering with his motorcycle. The garage is his new favorite spot away from me.
What is wrong with him? What is wrong with me that I can’t do my job properly? How difficult can it be to convince one guy to straighten out his life for the better?
Is he angry because I didn’t want to talk about my miscarriage? Talking means reliving my loss, and I’m not ready to be that vulnerable again. Not after Mom minimized my feelings and said I was jealous when I told her how I felt about being second best to Riley, her favorite.
I’m not jealous of my big sis. I just wanted the same attention she received from my mom.
Sighing at how pathetic it is that something from the past still affects me, I sit on my bed and type an email to Malice’s parents. It’s my first report.
Hello Mr. and Mrs. Sterling ,
I stare at the line. What next?
Please don’t be angry at Malice for his suspension. It’s my fault he got into the fight. A boy said something mean, and Malice came to my defense. He is trying his best. We’re working on getting his grades up and finding him a job. There are no parties at the house. He’s tidying up the place during his suspension and takes great care of the houseplants. The monstera is huge and prospering. I hope to send you good news next Sunday.
Rue
There.
One week down and seven more months to go. I close the laptop and listen for sounds from Malice’s bedroom. Nothing. I grab a jacket from my closet and sneak out the bedroom window, in need of fresh air.
I’ve snuck out of the bedroom window every night. Malice doesn’t follow. I’ve listened for footfalls in the silence but heard only the noises of the insects and the frogs. He doesn’t knock on my bedroom door and ask to come inside for a talk either. I wish he did. Taking our hate game to the level of the silent treatment hurts like a nearly healed wound split open.
Why is he avoiding me? Did his hate for me change to something worse?
I slip off the NVGs and stare into the darkness. The darkness doesn’t scare me. What scares me is the day when Malice stops hating on me. Without hate, there is nothing but indifference. He’ll go his merry way, living his life while I’m left to deal with my leftover hatred for him.
Except I never hated Malice, even when I lost the baby. I blamed myself for hurrying him along, not giving him the chance to put on a condom. I hated myself for not taking my birth control pills regularly.
What is the antonym of hate? Love. And I loved my unborn baby so much. I look up at the moon and the stars. She is up there in heaven. Is she looking down at me with regret, anger, or love?
I slip on the NVGs and walk back to Malice’s place. I return to the warmth of the bedroom and FaceTime Isaac. After hearing about his week, I take turns speaking with Johnny and Colton. I miss them and our talks. They go on and on about their auto mechanics classes and how they will one day own their own shop.
At the end of our call, they remind me not to step into the Eastside. It’s important I am nowhere near the purse of money.
“How is this fight different from the others?” When I was allowed near the cage.
“It’s not the fight,” Colton says. “It’s who will be there. These men are dangerous.”
“More dangerous than Maddox Stassi?”
“More so. Maddox is one man. The McCabes are layers and layers of brothers, cousins, fathers, and uncles. You get the picture.”
Why are mobsters interested in our small town?
“Stay away, Rue,” Johnny warns.
“Will Malice be safe?” Another rumor is that Seven’s father, Six, is part of the Irish Mob. Seven is his best friend. By default, Malice should be safe from any mob retaliation by association, right?
“No one is when the McCabes are around. They have hot tempers and don’t tolerate disloyalty and betrayal. Thievery is seen as an act of disloyalty and a betrayal of trust,” Isaac warns.
“I understand. I’ll stay away.”
We hang up, and I tiptoe to Malice’s room before I call it a night. I press my ear to the door. It’s quiet. I’m ready to return to my room when I hear a girl’s voice.
“Malice, you run so hot. Do you mind if I warm my cold feet between yours?”
I know that voice. It’s Cassie. How dare he break one of his dad’s rules by bringing a girl over? I yank the door open, not caring what I’ll see on the other side.
He and Cassie are on the bed, resting against the headboard. She is snuggled up to him, her legs tangled with his and her feet between his. Have they not heard of blankets? Jesus.
He arches a dark brow. “Rue. What can I do you for?” His gaze drops to my fists at my sides. Malice smirks. I am ready to tear into him, but the books strewn over the covers catch my attention.
Did he bring Cassie over for a study session? What the…? I open my mouth and then close it. I rush out of his room and into mine. I grab his laptop that he’s given me permission to use and set it next to the textbooks.
“Having this might help.” I back up towards the door. “Thank you, Cassie, for helping Malice.” Cassie is in our second, third, and fifth periods. I close the door behind me.
Loud music blares from the bedroom, and something random Red said about Malice takes away all the good from seeing the textbooks on Malice’s bed. Red said Malice played his music loud to drown out the girls’ moans and screams of pleasure. After he makes them come so hard they can’t speak a coherent word, he turns off the music.
I can’t bear to be around when the silence takes over. I grab my headphones, blankets, and a pillow and climb the ladder to the rooftop. I was wrong about Malice and everything that’s happened between us.
The quiet walk in the cemetery. I felt such a connection with him. And he cared whether I was warm enough. The jealousy in his voice when he asked about Isaac. A guy wouldn’t be jealous unless he cared, right?
I put together a makeshift bed with the blankets, crawl beneath them, and stare up at the stars with my headphones on. My music drowns out Malice’s that filters from his cracked bedroom window.
What is the antonym of love? Hate. What is the antonym of regret? I turn on my side and curl into myself.
Nothing good, that’s what. I am my mom’s biggest regret. Malice regrets making love to me because of what happened. He wants to talk about our baby. Will I ever be ready? Will he stop hating on me if we talk? Whether we talk or not, it doesn’t take away what’s happening on the floor beneath me.
Tired of seeing Malice touching and kissing Cassie in my head, I go over the terms for me to be done with my employment: grades above a B in all his classes, no parties at his place, two good deeds, and getting a job.
Malice said his place is his sanctuary and not a frat house. Translation: no parties. That’s an easy one to check off the list. He’s not supposed to see a girl until after he finds a job, but I’ll let that one slide. Cassie can help with his grades, though my chest aches just thinking of him spending more time with her.
Malice says he’s already doing two good deeds. What are they? I’ll cheat and ask Trace. Getting a job is a tough one. Malice isn’t in a hurry to find a job when his parents are paying him a weekly allowance.
Malice said no to working at the auto parts store. Shay works there, and Malice refuses to associate with any of Red’s friends.
What a snob. Shay is the nicest guy, and it would do Malice good to get to know a guy who could be his quarterback at DU in case Seven decides to attend a college elsewhere.
Will Leigh follow him to another college or state? Leigh said she and Sorrow applied to DU, and Trace too. He mentioned it when we talked about life after graduation.
It’s easy talking with Trace. When Trace leaves Cambridge, I won’t be hurt or feel abandoned. I can’t say the same for Malice. Malice leaving will break my heart. I’ll always wonder what he’s doing and who he’s with.
The only way to get over him is to stop feeling any ounce of love for him. I’ve been in love with him since the day Red introduced us. How does anyone get over their first love?
Case in point: Red. He is still hung up on his first love, Olivia. Who can I ask? Mason would know. I’m certain he’s fallen in and out of love several times. I’ll ask him how he did it, and then I’ll share Mason’s wisdom with Red.
Red hasn’t said what he’ll do after graduation, but knowing him, he’ll move to Dumas to be closer to his brother, Midnight, and their cousin, Dare.
Those two are a pain in the butt, but they’re the nicest, coolest guys. Red said I can get into DU with my financial needs alone.
But do I fit in? What if my compulsion to steal takes over? With as many students as there are and being in a new town, anything can go wrong, and where there is wrongness, there will be the opportunity for me to cause destruction and disruption.
Riley said she stopped with the thievery, but it’s difficult for me to believe her. How can someone stop a habit born from survival?
I roll onto my back and stare at the night sky. Clouds roll in and hide the stars and the moon. It’s so dark. Is it quiet too? I’ve gone through four songs on my playlist. I pull the headphone to the side and listen. Quiet.
I sneak back into my bedroom. On my way down the ladder, I notice Malice’s motorcycle is gone. He must be taking Cassie home. I check my messages on my cell phone for any communication from Red. He hasn’t texted since we parted ways at Isaac’s place. I can’t stand that he is angry with me.
We’ve fought before but made up after twenty-four hours. A week is not okay. I text him.
Me : Hey grump a lump
BFF : wrong number
Seriously?
I hang my head. I miss Red. How do I make things right between us again? Maybe Mason has the answer. He is a guy and thinks like one.
I text him to see if he would like to meet up again for what used to be our every-other-night extracurricular activity.
Mason : Text me a date and time and I’m there
I fall asleep with a smile on my face. Mason is such a nice guy.
* * *
T he next morning, the rumble of a motorcycle’s engine interrupts the silence inside the house. I glance out the kitchen window. Malice pulls up in his motorcycle. Behind him is Seven and Leigh coming to pick me up for school. I hurry out of the house and debate in my head whether I should say something to Malice or not. Like, “Did you stay the night with Cassie? Did you two get a hotel room?” But I don’t. Malice isn’t my guy. His business is none of mine.
I open Seven’s truck door. Leigh is already scooted close to him. Seven tips his head at me. I get in and shut the door. Leigh squeezes my hand. She understands how I feel about Malice. We drive off. In the side mirror, Malice looks after us.
On the short drive to school the same questions from last night loop in my mind.
How does someone get over their first love?
How can I repair my friendship with Red?
Once I have the answers, I can get over Malice, resume my friendship with Red, and finally go after my dream of a boyfriend before I graduate.