8. Lourdez
EIGHT
Lourdez
T he silence in the car is interrupted by my rumbling stomach and then my words that devastate my own ears, “Visitation is almost over.”
I lock my phone, eager to avoid the giant numbers of the clock on the screen and the seven messages from my father that I haven’t answered.
He didn’t want me to see Colten, and his anger because I’m on the road to do that makes me want to drop out of this car and melt into the ice outside, never to return home. The black lock screen overrides his threats.
“Yeah, but they’ll let us in if they think he’s not gonna make it. They’ll let us in.”
Chattering teeth echo again, but this time, it isn’t just mine.
“Are you hungry?”
“I’m hungry, I need to pee, the list goes on.”
“Well. If you’re brave enough, there are few bushes down there.” He points at his fogged window.
“It’s okay, I’ll burst.”
“Well, that’s truly your call. I did pack a sandwich for the road, though. You can have it.”
“Aren’t you hungry, too?”
“I can’t think about eating right now. Lean over and grab it. It’s in the backseat.”
I find the sandwich in a rucksack.
“Such a manly choice,” I say, eyeing the layers of lettuce and tomatoes. “And boring one.”
He smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “I’m fussy.”
Digging around in the backseat, something else catches my eye.
“Hey, you have a blanket here, too.” I pull it into the front. It’s laced with the chill of winter, but it’s the type of material that will heat quickly with some body heat. “I could get in your seat, and we could share.”
“The hell you are!”
“We are only gonna get colder as it gets later, and we’ll be risking hypothermia and death.
“Fine by me.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” I chatter out. “You aren’t all that cold on the inside. You just gave me a sandwich! Now, are you gonna let this happen?”
He nods again.
Maybe he’s unsure of his next move, but he doesn’t move. So, sandwich in hand, I climb into his side. He edges to the door before realizing there is absolutely no way that we can both fit on the seat.
Changing direction, he moves back to his previous spot. It’s almost impossible for him to hide the discomfort in his expression as he allows me to sit in his lap.
“Hold this.” I hand him the sandwich.
I didn’t realize how cold he was. Maybe colder than me. I feel the chill on his skin rising from his jeans to mine.
“You’re like ice.” I open the blanket and tuck it in around us both.
“It’s because I’ve been outside.” His voice is different due to a full mouth. A giant chunk is taken from the sandwich. “That tomato was calling me.”
“Have more.” I don’t want him to be hungry. “It’s a big sandwich.”
“I gave it to you.”
“I don’t mind sharing.”
Stopping at what looks like exactly half, he places the sandwich back in my hands.
I don’t eat like he does. Dissecting the snack, I start with the tomatoes first because they’re my least favorite thing. The lettuce is next, and the bread is last because that’s the best part.
“Don’t look at me like I’m a weirdo.” I gaze up at him with eyes tired from tears and the long day as I place a half-eaten tomato on my tongue.
“You eat like one.” His eyes stay on my face as I swallow it down.
The stare becomes uncomfortable.
“What?”
“You asked about the bump on my nose.”
“Uh-uh”
“And I answered.”
My deep breath shows him how cold I am. His eyes move back to my face, a gentle finger following. Until now, he’s kept his hands strictly at his side.
“How did you get this bruise?”
A ringing phone allows me to get out of answering the question for a little while. The mood lightens when Lochlan slides his finger across the screen to reveal his brother in a hospital bed, semi-sat up, with a smile on his lips.
“Well, don’t you guys look cozy?” I’m about to tell him that we’re bundled this close for necessity, but he continues, “Where on earth are you guys?”
“There’s something wrong with the car. I had to pull over.” Lochlan ignores the questioning glances from both of his parents and his aunt and uncle sitting alongside them.
The judgment is harder for me to ignore, and my hand slips into Lochlan’s beneath our blanket, needing a little support. Surprisingly, he doesn’t pull away.
“At least it wasn’t to bury Lourdez in the snow.” Even on his deathbed, Colten wants to joke.
“Surprisingly, we haven’t killed each other yet, as you can see.”
“I can see you’re both looking very friendly.”
“We’re just cold, Colten.” I lean into Lochlan to get a better view of the video call. Colten’s so pale right now. “But otherwise, okay. We shouldn’t be much longer.”
“I’m glad to hear it. And surprised.”
“How are you feeling?”
“Like shit. I don’t wanna lie.”
“Ask the nurses if they can give you anything,” Lochlan tells him, and I nod along. Anything that will help with the pain he keeps tensing through.
“Bro, if I take anymore, I’m gonna be fucking floating. I just wanted to see you and tell you I love you both and stuff.”
“Don’t do that, not on a call. We’ll be there soon. I swear, Colten. We will get there.”
“I know. I know you’re trying, bro, and I appreciate you both burying—” he cuts off, and Lochlan turns the phone away from us to avoid seeing his little brother vomit over the side of his bed. His voice comes in again, and the phone is flipped back around to see Mr. Drake patting down his wife’s dress.
“This is why you’re her favorite kid.” Colten smiles at his brother. “Not really though, it’s still me.”
“It always will be, and that’s fine.”
Vaguely, Mrs. Drake can be heard saying that they’re both her favorites.
“Anyway, as I was saying, I’m glad you guys were willing to bury the hatchet for me. I always hoped it was just a misunderstanding between you two somehow, but I don’t know what happened between you all those years ago. I never wanted to pick sides between my big brother and one of my best friends, but I do wanna thank you both for doing this for me now.”
“Of course.”
The rise and fall of my chest is rapid to the point I’m worrying my heart is ready to give out. It grips Lochlan’s attention.
“You okay?” he mouths, but my attention sways back to his brother.
“Colten.”
“Yeah, babe?”
“He didn’t do it.” I almost wet myself with nerves as I push out those words. “He never did anything wrong.”
Beneath me, Lochlan stops breathing.
“I made a mistake, and I’m so sorry for that.” I glance between the brothers—sympathy on one face, gratitude on another.
Lochlan’s hand slips out from mine, and a mini wave of panic crashes almost as quickly as it built when his fingers move up around my back. He holds me closer to him through my trembling as I catch glances of his family.
“It looks like he forgives you.”
My head moves from side to side. He couldn’t possibly, not after what I did. The hand on my back moves again, slinking into my hair, twirling the strands. No one comments on the tear that leaves Lochlan’s eye, but I see it and brush it away.
“I always thought you’d be cute together.” Before Lochlan can object, Colten is vomiting again.
With the phone facing away, Lochlan directs my gaze to his. A weight has lifted from him. I can see it. My admittance did that.
God, how I wish I’d been honest years ago.
“Anyway, guys,” Colten interrupts. “I’m gonna go. I love you both. Drive safe.”
“I promise. And I love you, little brother.”
“I love you, too,” I add quickly. “And Colten?”
“Yeah, babe?”
“Amelie said she struggled with her words yesterday, but she wanted you to know that she does. That she loves you too.”
More pain shows on Colten’s face. “In another life. Or maybe I’ll haunt her. I think she’d be into that.”
“I think so, too.” I laugh, and the tears just start flowing.
“Don’t cry.”
I nod. “We’ll see you soon, okay.”
He waves, and Lochlan does the same, cutting off the call.
We sit in silence until the tears have dried in both of our eyes.
“The bruise,” Lochlan is the first to talk. “You still haven’t told me.”
“Your brother interrupted.”
“Well, he’s needy. Always been the same. It can’t be helped. But he’s hung up on us, so, back to it. The bruise.”
Suddenly, after seeing what a loving family looks like, the truth is harder to voice, so I attempt a lie. “I did it at work. I work with children and?—”
“You’re lying.”
“What? You know what, never mind. I was lying. The truth is just hard.” I attempt to sit up, but his hand flattens to my spine, keeping me closer than I want to be right now.
“Harder than admitting to my parents that you lied about me?”
“I’m not sure anything was ever so hard. I really thought I’d pass out, but Colten had to know, just in case.”
“We’ll make it to him. We have to. I’m gonna need to see him.”
“Yeah.”
“You’re still avoiding my question.”
“You’re avoiding telling me how you knew my answer wasn’t true?”
“You had that exact same look on your face that you did in the courtroom. When you lie, your nostrils flare slightly, and your eyes widen. I don’t know how I notice this shit, but I do.”
“You’re paying too much attention.”
“Maybe. Maybe I had a little crush on you before the lies and stuff. You know, the ones you’re still telling. Such a bad habit.”
“I thought I bored you with that quick fumble.” I sit up in his lap, my eyebrows raised, and my stare on him.
“I was prepared to teach you new skills.”
It shouldn’t have made me laugh—the cocky jibe and more tears certainly shouldn’t have followed.
He pulls me back in, but I’m still straddling him, and I’m all too aware of the effect it has on him.
“Calling you boring was insensitive, given the timing of our?—”
“Shh...” my finger lands on his cold lips. “You don’t have to apologize to me. Up until an hour before, I was a virgin. So, add that to the trauma, and I was probably kinda useless.”
“Maybe I should have helped you in another way.”
“No. I told you it was okay. I wanted to dismiss it and forget how that creep pushed me to the floor, how he put his fingers inside me and laughed as I cried. “There’s a bite to my voice. “I couldn’t face the fact that was my first experience, and I didn’t really know how else to go about it.”
Memories flash in my mind, a gentle voice whispering, “Can I help you try and forget him?”
A younger me nods as Lochlan kisses my neck. I’m in his lap, rocking gently on my grandfather’s giant chair. A hand slips under my cropped tee, finding my hardening nipple, a pointed tip circling. His lips, pressing against my neck, breathe out the words, “Are you okay so far?”
“I’m fine. Don’t stop. Please, don’t stop. It needs to feel different, or I’ll never get over it.”
His hair tickles me as he nods. Stubble scratches my cheek as his lips move to mine. His finger drops from my breast and sinks down my stomach and into my shorts, massaging me there as his tongue slips into my mouth. I kiss him desperately, breaking off once more to whisper, “Just don’t stop. Please, don’t stop.”
A finger slides inside me. I tense a little, but his lips are back on mine, and his eyes open to check in on me. It all relaxes me into him, into the way he moves his hand, and it starts to feel different…like it’s meant to.
Attempting to meet his thrusts, I buck my hips, using his shoulders to assist me. A wave of pleasure takes over, and I tighten around him, panting out his name as our lips break apart.
His eyes find mine, his fingers still moving in me as I come down. “More?” he asks.
I nod because, for those seconds just now, I couldn’t remember my name or why I was so desperate to forget it, but I remembered his.
“Okay.”
Freezing fingers brush away my tears, and I don’t mean to, but I find myself leaning into his touch. My trembling from the cold and rising emotions intensify when he doesn’t pull away. “I was thinking of us. Of our boring fumble.”
“Oh, yeah?”
“It was everything to me in that moment.”
“You don’t need to confuse us by saying that kinda thing.”
“But you deserve the truth.” I pause. “You can ask me one question. I’ll answer honestly.” Because you deserve to know everything for letting me talk about that night when I’ve never been able to .
But especially for the time you served when you never should have had to.
“Okay.”
Something keeps us together, either the cold or his icy fingers locking over mine as my hand seals around his.
“I already asked it once.”
I nod, prepping myself for how I’ll tell him why I sent him to prison.
But he catches me off guard with his question. “How did you get the bruise on your face?”
“That’s your question?”
“Yeah.”
The windows are hard to see through, between the thick snow and the condensation from our breath, but I still try, as I’m unable to look at Lochlan as I tell him what happened.
“My dad has anger issues, and since my mom died, he takes them out on me. You know what he’s like.”
“I knew he hated my father because he couldn’t save your mom, but I didn’t know he was abusive to his daughter.”
“Yeah.” My gaze wanders back to Lochlan, who looks like a younger version of his father. Mr. Drake’s image in his paramedic uniform fills my head. Blinking quickly, I narrowly escape the image of my mother on the bathroom floor. “I know your dad tried. I also know the reason my mom took the pills was because she couldn’t take anymore from my dad. He loved her so much more after she was gone.”
“I’m sorry.”
“No, I’m sorry.” I don’t know where these words come from. They just crawl up my throat and slip out. “For everything. My dad got in my head, and honestly, I’m terrified of him. His anger problem makes him dangerous. I probably don’t need to explain it to you. You saw how he was with your dad enough times.”
“He never gave my dad bruises.”
“No. He saves them for me.” Braving the cold, I stick my arm out and roll up my sleeve, revealing another purple and yellow splotch on my skin. “I have a lot of them. And his vendetta with your father is why you went to prison.”
“What do you mean?”
“I told my dad what happened that night and that you came into the house to help me. But all he heard was you were in the house. He wouldn’t let me say different, no matter how hard I tried. I was eighteen, and by that time, I was already terrified of him. And then they arrested you, and DNA proved that we’d been together. I wanted to tell the nurse that someone else had assaulted me and that what happened between us was consensual. But I knew how my father would react, and I was already fragile. So, I was selfish and put myself before you, and I shouldn’t have because you’d put yourself at risk for me. I’m so sorry.”
So, so sorry .