Chapter 42
***Cass***
“Honestly, honey, I’m surprised you’re walking today. I saw the way you were waddling last night when you walked that hottie to the door. He can really lay it down, huh?”
I laid on the living room floor and stared at the ceiling. There were hot pink stars up there that I’d never noticed. I’d decided that avoiding Aunt Jolene wasn’t going to work so I just gave in and sighed. “I feel like I’ve been riding a horse.”
“You ever ride a horse in LA?”
I turned my head to glare at her. “No.”
“What you feel like is a woman who got her back broken by a big ole country man.” She laughed when my mouth dropped open. “Two big guys in just as many days, Cass. I’d clap for you but the sound might trigger a spontaneous orgasm in you.”
I groaned. “I’m a slut. It sounds so bad when you say it out loud. I can’t believe I did that.”
“Well, believe it, Sister Susie. I’ve been a good influence on you.” She was having a great time. “And since you’re a smart woman, I know you also used protection both times. We haven’t talked about your birth control plan. You have one, right?”
That was another topic I wanted to avoid. I couldn’t, though. “Not last night. I didn’t think and he didn’t either. He said he’s clean but I think I-”
“Get up and get your little ass dressed. We’re going to buy a morning after pill and you’re going to chug that little miracle drug down with a vat of oh, fuck no.
You are not having a baby. I’m too young to be a hot grandma aunt.
Oh, I’ll kill that little shit if he knocked you up.
” She dragged me to my feet and shoved me to my room.
“If you’re not waiting at the car in two minutes I’ll…
I’ll, I don’t know, spank you or something! ”
I would’ve laughed if she wasn’t quite so terrifying. “I’m going! Stop pushing me.”
“Do you know what babies can do to your body? Your mother had a perfect body until she had you. She was a saint so she didn’t mind but I’d punch a cupcake if I thought it would keep my ass in place.
I mean, I love you and I’m glad you’re here but no.
Just no. We can’t have a baby in this house.
It would die, Cass, and people don’t like that.
” She threw a shirt at me as she paced my room.
“Do you even want kids? Oh, god. Do you want a kid? Now? Am I pushing you into something you don’t want? Jesus, parenting is a nightmare!”
I finally gave into my laughter. “Aunt Jolene! Relax!”
“Relax? Relax! How can you relax at a time like this? I’m going to be a grandma aunt. Oh, my god. I’m old. I’m going to get wrinkles and my ass is going to sag. My tits! My perfect tits are going to hang to my belly! Oh, god!”
She grabbed two handfuls of her giant wig and left the room, just to come right back. I dressed as fast as I could and then ushered her to the front door. “Maybe I should drive.”
I opened the front door and Aunt Jolene was suddenly composed and looked perfect in her bright red, pearl snap shirt and denim bell bottoms. She fluffed her hair and dabbed at her lips.
“I can drive. You don’t make it through years of battling drag queens at competitions without learning how to swallow your emotion.
Some of those queens will eat you alive if they see a tear. ”
I followed her and shook my head. “That’s crazy.”
She shot a dark look at me. “What’s crazy is letting a virile young man come inside you without any type of protection. He looks like he could wink and knock up an entire bus of purity girls.”
A neighbor happened to be walking their dog past us and looked horrified. I frowned at them, not okay with a stranger judging me the way Aunt Jolene was.
She saw the neighbor and scoffed. “Oh, like you’ve got any room to judge, Tonya! You and your bald husband tried to upside down pineapple my ass when I moved in here. Like you’ve never taken a load or two!”
Poor Tonya. Poor me. I walked around the car and pushed Aunt Jolene into it. “Come on. Let’s get that pill before you murder someone.”