Chapter 18
Oakley
I couldn’t stop shaking. I didn’t think anything could help.
I sniffed, again for the millionth time in less than five minutes.
My tears wouldn’t stop, either. My lungs hurt from holding in sobs. My stomach ached from swallowing the bile that wanted to come up. My head throbbed in tune of my heart.
I was so tired. I was hungry, and thirsty, and…and…defeated.
I had expected Sabastian to come up, hot on my heels, yelling and threatening me. I expected him to hit me with whatever he could get his hands on, or with just his hands themselves. I expected him to tell me to bend over, showing my butt to him so he could do whatever he wanted.
He wasn’t happy with me.
I didn’t eat the food he put in front of me. I fought against his hold. And he didn’t like me kneeling for him, either.
I was sick with myself.
I couldn’t eat the toast, even if I was hungry. I tried, but it felt wrong. Everything had felt wrong..
None of it was right.
I shouldn’t have knelt by the couch for so long. I should have stayed up here, waiting.
Another sob came out, causing me to bite harder into my arm to prevent it from making a single sound. The pain helped, just enough, to keep me sane. Or maybe not.
Black spots danced before my eyes as I fought to take another breath.
Why couldn’t I shut it all off? With Sir, I could shut it off, following his orders until I passed out. Then, I’d wake up sometime later in pain and tears. But it was better than feeling all these feelings, all the shame and disappointment.
Through blurry eyes, I made sure that the man was still in the shower. I think, him ignoring me was just as bad as having his attention. I didn’t know what I wanted more, and it wasn’t my choice anyways.
His back was to me, and I took my chance.
Hiding was better.
At that moment, I didn’t care what pain he’d inflict on me once he did find me.
Scrambling to my feet, and hitting my shoulder on the edge of the counter in the process, I paused long enough to double check that Sabastian wasn’t paying mind to me at all.
He was though.
He stood there, looking at me with thin lips through the glass door, as if he knew exactly what I was thinking.
“The paci’s on your pillow,” he spoke over the water falling.
Paci? Was that what he called it?
I fled the bathroom, then the bedroom. I didn’t want that thing. I didn’t want anything he wanted.
I wanted to run from the house. I wanted to flee the country. But, I knew that wasn’t safe. The monsters were out there. And I had no shoes. I wouldn’t make it far in the forest, even though the thought was the most temping thing I’d have for a very long time.
Instead, I ran, trying each door I could. A closet full of towels and bedding. The washer and dryer. An empty bedroom. A different closet. One that had a few blankets covering the floor in a nice pile, and a bean bag chair.
Maneuvering under that, the chair light enough to move, but heavy enough it wouldn’t fall off as I curled into a tight ball, I bit into my arm once more.
I couldn’t make a sound. I couldn’t be found.
The monsters would find me later, but right now, it was a real human that was going to hurt me beyond repair.
Maybe I should have grabbed the paci, but it was too late now.
I heard the water shut off, then my name being called.
I wasn’t going to be found here. I was hidden in a dark closet.
When it came to facing two different fears at once, I picked the one I knew what to expect. I knew what the monsters wanted. And maybe, the next time they came, I’d let them drag me away. Because I didn’t want to be here anymore. I didn’t want to be such a failure.
Sniffing around another sob, I forced my teeth farther into my forearm. The slight pain grounded me.
No wonder why Sir always hit me. Maybe he knew I needed pain to keep me sane. If not, this is what happened.
I’d spiral, and there’d be no coming back.
“Oakley, little one? Come on out.”
I shook. I wasn’t going to come out. Never. He’d have to drag me out of here by my feet.
The closet opened, and stayed that way for a very long moment. I breathed slowly, trying not to sob, trying not to whimper.
“I guess, if there’s a little boy who doesn’t want to come out,” he spoke softly, gently, like it’d actually work to make me move. “I’ll have to think of something that he’d really, really want.”
Good luck, I thought. There wasn’t anything I wanted bad enough to leave my hiding place.
The closet door shut, but not all the way. A bit of light seeped in through the crack.
“I suppose,” he sighed, like he may have given up. “I’ll just leave this paci on the bed here. If there’s a boy somewhere that wants it, he can come out and get it. And maybe a stuffed animal, too.”
Tears fell harder at the words. Yet I didn’t move. I didn’t dare.
It’s a trap, I thought. There’s always a trap.
Sabastian’s steps were heavier as he left the room. The door closed, yet I still didn’t move.
He could be waiting in the room. He could grab me when I came out, and I wouldn’t get away.
Nope.
I was staying right here. He didn’t know I was here. I bet, he said the same thing in each room, and probably put up more cameras so he’d be alerted to when I moved.
I would deserve whatever punishment he’d give me, but I wasn’t ready for that yet.
***
Sometime later, having dozed on and off for who knows how long, there was movement in the bedroom. Sounds like things were being dragged around.
Had the monsters come out already? Was it dark outside? But more importantly, did Sabastian really give up that easily on finding me?
I wasn’t surprised. No one cared about my wellbeing. No one cared about me, period.
Why would they? I was just a plaything to men.
Sniffing, and halfway wishing I had snuck out to grab that pacifier, I stuck my other thumb into my mouth instead. It wasn’t right, feeling weird at the angle, but it’d have to do.
My stomach growled, reminding me that I missed breakfast, and possibly dinner. But still, there was no way I was moving out of my hiding place. Because if it was dark outside, and the monsters came in, I would be a goner.
Moving just a little bit so I could maybe possibly see through the cracked closet door, a light streamed in. I couldn’t tell if it was from the sun or the light, but it didn’t really matter.
I held my breath when a shadow passed the door, taking away the light for a single moment.
“I wonder what color Oakley would like better? Keep it green, or let him pick out what bedding he’d want. Maybe blue, or even pink, would be better.”
Sabastian had to be talking to someone, because it certainly wasn’t me. I didn’t care what color anything was. For all I cared, it could be the ugliest yellow on earth and I’d wear whatever he’d demand me to wear.
“I’ll keep it green for now, since I really don’t want to go to the store right now,” he went on. “Although, that’ll have to happen in the next couple of days. This room needs more things.”
What was he talking about? As far as I could tell, this room wasn’t used for anything. And certainly not a spot I should be in.
“Oh, I have to remember to clean the bathtub, too.”
My heart sunk at that. Baths didn’t end well. Sir had pushed my head under the water too many times, and then eventually he no longer allowed me to take them because I couldn’t breathe when he bathed me.
Of course I couldn’t breathe when he’d try to drown me.
Showers were good enough. I could get myself clean just fine. I could keep my body parts shaved, too, when I grew too much hair. Not that I had much to grow anyways. But Sir didn’t like hair, and he said other‘s wouldn’t either.
Scratching at my scalp, the bean bag slightly fell off of me, and I was quick to fix it. But that meant I moved enough to draw attention to exactly where I was.
Sabastian paused, listening, but then went back to whatever he was doing. There were more sounds. Drawers opened, then closed. Something clanking around.
Was he putting a chain in here, too, to hold me captive so I couldn’t snoop around his room? Was he going to keep me locked up in this room day and night?
While that thought wasn’t horrible, because I was used to being in only one room anyway, I didn’t want that. I didn’t know what I wanted.
Sniffing, I shuffled backwards until I felt the wall behind me. I pressed as close to it as possible, making sure I was hidden still. I could see out the door a bit better, too, at least.
A dresser that was no longer bare, a few stuffed animals sat on the top.
“Opps,” Sabastian spoke, dropping something in my line of sight. It landed on the carpet, light against the dark.
My eyes widen, but I didn’t move.
There was no freaking way.
“Well, it’s dirty now. I’ll just shove it in here for now.” The side of his foot scooted the pacifier into the closet. I couldn’t reach it from where I was, but there was no doubt left that he knew where I was.
I wanted to cry, and smile. But the tears won, and I refused to move.
He was letting me get away with hiding. He didn’t drag me out by my hair. He wasn’t yelling.
He was just waiting in a way that made me see him differently. If only for a moment.
Sabastian stepped away, fiddling with things once more.
Could I move and get the paci? Was that the trap? Was I stupid enough to test that out?
The phone rang caused me to jump. But thankfully, no sounds came out.
“Hey, Blaise.”
Maybe, if he was busy, I could be sneaky. Just for one more time.
“Not exactly. Why? What’s up?” Sabastian’s voice didn’t sound very far away. Like he was standing right there by the closet. “No luck on that part. But I don’t have that file. Let me…Na. I can send it by email.”
Sabastian’s voice moved away, as did his feet.
I waited for a extra second to make sure he wasn’t coming back in, before quickly scooting out from under the bag and grabbing the paci.
But then, because I couldn’t help myself, I looked around the room, seeing the bed had been moved. Now, it’d look right into the Sabastain’s room.
Not wanting to think about what he was up to, I stuck the pacifier in my mouth before going back to my hiding place.