Chapter 27
Oakley
I wasn’t sure what was wrong with me. One minute, I had been gazing at the stuffed animal, wondering if it was as soft as it looked, to the next wanting so many things that I knew I couldn’t ever have.
I wanted to touch the bunny. I wanted to hold on to it like it could hold all of my pent-up emotions for me. I wanted Sabastian to come home, hold me, and tell me that everything was fine. I wanted a nap and food, and to be left alone.
My emotions were all over the place, and I couldn’t pinpoint what one to land on. Or even just a mix of a few.
I wanted to find a corner and cry myself to sleep.
I wanted to crawl into Sabastian’s lap where he’d never let me go.
I wanted to read more of the book.
I just freaking wanted.
Maybe the book was making me think. I hadn’t felt like this ever before, so emotional and needy in a way that wasn’t explainable.
Sure, I’d felt small and nonexistent many times with Sir. It was expected, to always be tossed about like I was nothing. I am nothing. But none of that made me feel what I was feeling right then.
Normally, when I felt sad, scared, or hurt, my thumb was enough to comfort me. Not this time. I wasn’t sure if there was anything to stop the tornado of feelings. They swirled inside me, one fighting for more power.
I wasn’t sure what one was going to win. Hopefully, one that didn’t crash me to the bottom of hell.
Sniffing, I rubbed the back side of my hand under my nose.
Food had helped a bit, as did the stuffed animal that was now tightly in my grasp. I wasn’t letting go of it willingly any time soon. It was hard enough to let Sabastian take it at dinner. I had almost started sobbing. Over a stupid toy.
Something had to be wrong with me, I decided again.
I wasn’t paying any attention to whatever Sabastian put on the TV. He started something to keep me company while he went to take a quick shower.
I sat on the floor, back to the couch, as I blinked back tears. I tried to think back, to pinpoint when I started to feel like this. Was I just that messed up that I couldn’t keep things in check any longer?
I know I was stupid, but Sir made sure I was well aware of that fact. A baby, too, it seemed.
Pulling my knees tighter against my chest, I debated on finding a hiding spot to let the waves of emotions calm. Somewhere that Sabastian would leave me alone, yet at the same time keep me company. I wanted….I don’t know what I wanted.
That alone made a few more tears fall, and I didn’t bother to wipe them away. The idea of just laying right here on the floor and finding some semblance of sleep was at the surface.
“Oakley?” I jerked, hitting my back against the couch, as Sabastian came around from wherever he was. “Can you take your pill?”
I simply opened my mouth, letting him slip the white thing into it. It was easier than holding out a hand.
I didn’t bother needing something to wash it down, although my eyes were on the cup that he held.
“I have one simple question for you, little one.” He waited until I lifted my eyes to his. That one look was brief but enough for him to go on. “Would you like me to read to you?”
I nodded once. I liked his voice, and he made the book sound way better than what it sounded like in my thoughts.
“Then,” he said, standing and turning off the TV. “Let’s go read until you fall asleep.”
It took a moment to get my legs to work with me. They didn’t want to move, and when I stood, my knees almost threatened to collapse.
By sheer will, I got them to move, following Sabastian up the stairs and towards the bedroom.
“First,” he spoke over his shoulder, “Let's get you into something a bit comfier. I think a long shirt should do the trick.”
What was wrong with what I had on?
Looking down at myself, I shrugged a shoulder. I guess one of his shirts would be better than the white tank top I had put on…uh…yesterday.
“Do you want help to change?”
Did I?
But changing meant I had to let go of the stuffie. Maybe staying in what I had on would just have to work.
“Oh, sweet little one.” Sabastian sighed. Not in a mean way, just…like he knew what I needed. “Pants first. Then we’ll do your shirt.”
He was slow, making sure I knew exactly what he was doing, as he pulled down the pants, tapping each foot for me to lift to take them off all the way.
I held my eyes closed, not wanting to see his thoughts on his face.
It was easier, knowing my body wasn’t normal.
It didn’t matter that he’d seen me naked before a few times.
Just, right now, it seemed to be a different type of naked. One where he could see into my soul.
“Good boy. So good. Just let me take care of you, alright? I won’t hurt you.” He whispered, working the shirt up over my head.
I had to pop my thumb out of my mouth for the shirt to go over my head. A whimper came out when he took the bunny, only to give it right back once my arm was free of the shirt hole.
I didn’t know why I clung so tightly to a toy, but it seemed to be the only thing holding me together. I felt like I was going to break apart if I had to give it up.
Which was silly. I wasn’t a baby. I didn’t wear diapers, or drink from a bottle…or….
A bottle was….
Nope. Wasn’t going to think about that. Just because the book had that main character doing that didn’t mean it was something I could do. So nope. Couldn’t think about that.
“There ya go,” Sabastian said, slipping on a new shirt. It smelt like him, and I instantly pulled the stuffed animal back to my chest. “Do you want some sort of pants on?”
I lifted a shoulder. I didn’t care. The shirt was long enough to hide anything.
“Okay. Get comfy on the bed while I find our book.”
That was easy enough to follow. I sat against the headboard, blanket bunched in my lap, stuffed animal to my chest, and thumb in my mouth. It didn’t take long for Sabastian to find the book and get comfortable on his side of the bed.
He opened to where he left off last time, his voice calm and relaxing. At some point, he handed over the sippy cup, and I gladly drank from it. Flavored water of some kind.
Maybe that was my problem. I hadn’t drunk much water the past few days.
When the drink was gone, he easily switched the cup out for one with just water. He didn’t stop reading while doing so, which had to be some sort of magic on his part.
As he continued to read, my body finally gave up on whatever it was fighting over. I slouched, almost falling into him as the minutes ticked by. Soon enough, I just gave up, scooting closer so I could lean against him instead.
He didn’t seem surprised by the movement, only moving a bit so I could find a comfortable position. Which ended up with me laying my head on his lap. One of his hands came to my hair, running his fingers through the strands.
That was when the tears started, and there was no stopping them.
All the pent-up emotions finally came out with every single tear. The worry, frustration, tiredness, loneliness, and all the other ones I couldn’t name. They came pouring out, clogging my throat as I silently cried.
Either Sabastian didn’t notice, or he was letting me get my emotions under control. All he did was run his fingers through my hair, scratching at my scalp as he kept on reading.
The words went in one ear and out the other. They didn’t stick in my brain as I pulled my body closer to Sabastian’s, seeking whatever comfort he’d give.
Eventually, the tears stopped, leaving me worn out in a way I knew too well. It was what I felt when the monsters came late at night. The sleepiness would cling to me forever, and the monsters would come knocking on the windows.
Tonight wasn’t going to be good.
“What’s wrong little one?” I don’t know when he stopped reading, but his voice was hoarse like he’d been talking for hours. Maybe he had been.
“Monsters.” I wasn’t sure the word came out well around my thumb, but I didn’t care. “Don’t let ‘em get me.”
Please don’t let them, I pleaded.
“I won’t let them get you, Oakley. You’re mine. No one else can have you.”
I hoped that was true. Still, I shivered, pressing even more against Sabastian, if it were possible. I didn’t know where one of us began, and the other ended. I wanted his warmth.
My legs were folded up to my chest, the stuffed animal still in my tight hold. I wanted to crawl into his lap and feel his arms around me. I wanted to be chained to the bed, even, so the monsters couldn’t drag me away tonight.
“Let me go to the bathroom, then I’ll hold you. You’ve had a long day.”
Long life, was more like it.
I sighed but pulled myself off of his lap. I watched with tired eyes as he slipped from the bed and headed towards the bathroom. Although I could hear him, I could feel the monsters coming closer. They were outside, dragging their feet along the ground as they inched closer and closer to the house.
My eyes looked around the room wildly. I had to hide before they came in here. I needed to find a spot where they couldn’t grab me and drag me off.
Before I could get my feet untangled from the covers, Sabastian was back. Whatever he saw on my face made him sit on my side of the bed, stopping me from moving.
“Listen to me, Oakley.” He laid a hand on my arm, and that small touch slowed the panic just enough to get my mind to latch on to his voice. “The monsters won’t get you. You’re safe here.”
I wasn’t safe. Not when the monsters wanted me.
I sniffed, my body shaking as fear and anxiety took hold.
“You are to go use the bathroom, then come right back here where I’ll hold you and keep you safe all night.”
I shook my head. If I moved, I was finding a hiding spot.
“Let me help you, then.”
He didn’t give me any options. Sabastian led me from the bed to the bathroom, where he left the light on. There, thankfully, knowing that the monsters couldn’t get to me in there, I sat on the toilet. While I did that, Sabastian opened the mirror above the sink, pulling something out.
By the time I finished, he was there helping me stand. Then, gave me another pill, which I gladly took. If it kept the monsters away, I’d do anything.
“Good boy. Such a good boy, Oakley.” He grabbed my hand, leading me back to the bedroom.
I almost pulled away, seeking the corner, but he didn’t let me go. He tugged me closer to the bed, crawling up over my side, not once letting go of my hand as he lay down.
Only when I finally laid down beside him, all parts of our bodies touching, did I let out a sob I had been holding in.
I couldn’t do this anymore. I didn’t want to be afraid of the monsters. I didn’t want the pain they brought.
“Shh, little one. I’m right here. You’re safe.”
With my head on his chest, Sabastain arm wrapped around me, and a blanket covering us both, my body shook with each deep sob that came forth.
I didn’t think anything would calm me. Not my thumb, and not the stuffed animal that was still clutched to my own chest, squished between the two of us.