Haunted By Regret (Blurring the Lines)
Chapter 1
Jason
“What the fuck is that noise?” I whisper-shout in the dark. Oh, that’s right, it’s just my damn alarm clock.
With a groan and a hard cock, I roll out of bed as I drag myself to my bathroom to get started for the day. I dress in my favorite navy Tom Ford suit and turn from my closet to stare out of the floor to-ceiling windows in my luxurious, penthouse apartment that overlooks Boston. Glancing down at my Philippe Patek watch on my wrist, I know I should get going to work soon, but my mind is heavy today.
As I turn to leave, I glance around my room and my gaze lingers on the black frame that sits on my nightstand, my late wife, Leslie. She is a beautiful reminder of what I had lost, a constant reminder of my past, and of my regrets.
As I drive to work in my sleek, black Audi R8, I reflect on the tragic night ten years ago today, about the stupid argument that led to Leslie storming out.
◆◆◆
10 Years Ago
“Jason, quit nagging me. I’ll get to it when I’m ready. You’re barely home anyway, so why should I bother cleaning? Just hire a maid!” Leslie slurred, as she barely made it up the stairs.
I sighed as I ran my hands down my face. It wasn’t always like this. She wasn’t always like this. We were in love once. We met our freshman year at college, she was the life of a party and I was always studying. We married young when we found out she was pregnant with our first son, Jaxon and she dropped out of college to stay home once our son was born, while I continued my studies to become an architectural engineer.
I continued up the stairs after her, determined to get through to her. Instead of talking, I found her passed out in our bed. A bed I hadn't slept in for several months. I quietly closed the door and wandered down the hall to check on the boys. They slept peacefully, unaware that their mother had become an alcoholic and that their father was a workaholic.
My mother lived in an apartment a couple of floors down and looked after the boys when their own mother couldn’t or when I was working late at the office. I refused to hire a nanny. Just another thing Leslie and I fought over. Truth was, I worked a lot and my wife stayed home to raise the boys, when she wasn’t drunk.
I worked hard to get Blackwood Architects started with my best friend Lucas. I was proud of where the firm was headed. But the only thing Leslie ever saw was the number of zeros in the bank account; not the long hours and dedication to my firm that it took to make that money. She complained that I was never home. I gave her everything I could to keep her happy. I guess it was always easier to pacify her with money.
She seemed happy until she wasn’t; until we weren't.
The next day I made it a point to leave the office early, determined to start being home in time for dinner. I walked through to the kitchen to an aroma that made my mouth water. As I turned the corner, expecting to see my wife, I stared at my mother at the stove in disbelief.
Earlier that day, I had messaged Leslie telling her that I would be home for dinner and that we needed to talk. She told me that she would cook and later, after the boys went to bed, we would talk. Of course, I stupidly believed her.
Mom must’ve witnessed the many emotions that crossed my face. She came over and wrapped her arms around me.
“Oh, Jason. I’m sorry she’s not here. I haven’t seen her since this morning when I brought the boys to school. It was getting close to dinner and she still hadn’t came home, so I decided it was best that I get dinner started. Go up and see the boys and I’ll finish dinner.”
I made my way up the stairs to the playroom and watched my boys play with their Legos and cars through the open doorway. A smile tugged at my lips remembering how fortunate our lives now were. I grew up poor; at times my parents could barely afford to feed us, much less buy frivolous toys, as my father would call them. I wanted my boys to have the life I never had growing up, but I didn’t want to spoil them. Leslie thought the opposite, she wanted to spoil them and raise them to think that they were better than everyone else. As my thoughts lingered, I grew angry from the lack of my wife’s presence.
”Daddy! You’re home! We missed you.” Both boys announced as they looked up from playing. “Hey, boys! I came home early to eat dinner with y’all before you get ready for bed.”
“Where’s mommy? She didn’t come up to my school today. She promised me she would bring treats since I was the Star Student of the Week.” Jaxon sniffled as he asked. I ruffled his hair and bent down to embrace him in a hug. “I’m sorry buddy. I’m sure mommy had something important to do and couldn’t get away.”
I hated lying to my children, especially for her.
I saw red. But I couldn’t let my anger show in front of my kids. How dare she stand our kids up. I could care less if she bailed on me, but our kids? No excuse on the face of this earth would make her behavior excusable.
My mother called up that dinner was ready and we made our way downstairs to sit around the dining room table to eat. We ate and quietly chatted about our day.
After dinner, the boys started getting ready for bed as the front door swung open to Leslie stumbling in. I rose from the couch as my mother put her hand up to say that she would make sure the boys got to bed.
I glared at my wife as she sauntered over to try and kiss me. I turned my head as her lips grazed my cheek. She reeked of booze. “Oh husband, don’t be like that. You’re such a fucking party pooper.”
“Where the fuck have you been? You missed Jaxon’s Star Student Day and you couldn’t even be here to cook our children’s dinner for them!” I yelled.
She had the fucking nerve to roll her eyes. “Please, like you give a shit about where I’ve been. I was with the girls at the spa all morning. They serve the best mimosas. Then we decided to have lunch at Stabuco’s and you know how much I love their cocktails. Then one thing led to another and we ended up at The Lost Cove. And now here I am.”
She stepped closer to me, inching her god damned red pointy nails up my chest. “You know you want to fuck me husband. Like we used to.” She pouted.
“You used to fuck me hard until I screamed. We used to be a good time.” Her nails dragged down to my limp cock. “Shame. You must be getting it elsewhere.”
Truth was, we hadn’t had sex in three months. I wasn’t cheating on her, though the thought had crossed my mind; but it never stopped her from accusing me.
I grabbed her hands and twisted them hard. She stumbled backwards trying to get out of my grip. I was not a violent man, but this woman had the nerve to bail on our kids for fucking alcohol and the damn spa.
“This has got to stop!” I growled. “Sober yourself up, stop spending all of my money, and be a fucking mother and wife!”
“Mother and wife!” She scoffed. “Mother and wife? I never wanted that life! You knocked me up when we were supposed to be having fun! Then you had to be all noble and fucking propose to me. What else was I supposed to do? Sit around and read bed time stories to those fucking brats!” She yelled, spitting those awful things about our sons.
“And as far as the money, it’s mine too husband. You put a ring on my finger, so I’m entitled to spend it! You expect me to be fucking Suzy Homemaker. I don’t think so, husband. I sat around for months after I gave birth to Jace. I was fucking depressed. You encouraged me to get out of the house and now you’re throwing it in my face!”
I flinched as she continued to yell. I had no clue this is how she felt all these years. “I encouraged you to make friends, yes. I didn’t encourage you to go out and get drunk every fucking day. I know you were depressed, I tried to get you to see a therapist, but you refused. I even encouraged you to pick up a hobby and you laughed in my face and said that shopping and trying new cocktails was a hobby.”
She fucking smirked at me. Before I lost my shit on her, I took a deep breath. “Our boys need you. I need you, Leslie. But we need you healthy and present.”
The boys came down the stairs at the same moment she spat out that she wanted a divorce.
My world tilted as the boys barreled through the living room to hug their mother but all she did was back away from their embrace and turnaround to walk out the front door.
◆◆◆
I jolted in my sleep to the noise of my phone ringing. It was three in the morning. I figured it was Leslie crying for me to come pick her up from wherever she decided to storm off to. I glanced at my phone and an unknown number stared back at me.
“Hello.”
“Mr. Jason Blackwood? This is Captain James. There’s been an accident.”
I jumped out of bed, threw on my sweats, grabbed my wallet and keys and called my mother to come up and watch the boys.
I don’t remember driving to the hospital, it was all a blur. I remember the surgeon coming out and shaking my hand. I remember sinking down to my knees in the dark corridor of the emergency room. I remember the murmurs of I’m sorry and there’s nothing else we could have done. I remember driving back to my penthouse where I sat in my car in the underground garage.
She was gone. Fuck. She was my wife. She was supposed to get better. We were supposed to get better together.
I climbed the stairs and made my way to my room. Our room. I stripped my clothes, went into the bathroom and cranked the shower to the hottest setting.
I hung my head on the cold, marble tiles and let my tears fall. I loved my wife. Or at least I thought I did. Thinking back, I could admit that we had fallen into a rut. Hell, we hadn’t touched each in months, not even a kiss. But I thought we could get passed it. I never once thought she’d ever leave me.
Weeks then months passed after the funeral. The boys and I fell into a routine. I was home every evening by six. I was determined to give them what I never gave Leslie, my time. I wouldn’t regret a single moment that I would dedicate to my family or my business and I vowed that no woman will ever cause me to lose focus on what was important. Leslie ruined me in thinking that the woman you love will always be there for you.
◆◆◆
Present Day
“Knock, knock motherfucker!”
“Jesus, Lucas. Will you keep it down? I’m on the phone.” I whisper-yelled at my best friend as I covered the receiver.
Lucas Christenson had the tendency to barge into my office unannounced at all hours of the day. As the CFO, he feltthe need to talk to me in person. Most days, he irritated the shit out of me. But today, I couldn't knock him down a peg because he sauntered in wearing the biggest grin.
I quickly ended the call and turned to face him."What’s got you so happy today, Lucas?"
"What? You haven't read the financial reports yet? Dude! The firm just broke five billion dollars in profits! You should be jumping through the roof! We need to go out andcelebrate tonight."
Truth was, I was exhausted. I've been working myself to the bone for the last ten years. After the death of my wife, Leslie; I pushed myself harder day after day to make sure I provided the best to Jaxon and Jace.
When I wasn't with the them, I was at the office turning Blackwood Architects into the multi-billion dollar firm it is today. Being the CEO and a single father meant that I didn't have time to celebrate.
Lucas must've witnessed the frown on my face. "My man, I'm worried about you. You spend all of yourtime at work and at home. You're taking on too much work. When are you going to suck it up and finally hire an assistant? Not to mention, when's the last time you went on a date? I know you need to get laid soon." He chuckled at the last statement.
I wasn't a god damn monk. I got laid plenty. I was just discreet about it. The women I slept with knew the drill. We fucked. I didn't wine and dine them. I didn’t do relationships. I didn't do sleepovers and they never came to my home.
My home was my sanctuary. I didn’t introduce random women to my sons; even though Jaxon was now 18 and Jace 14.
Hell, most of them I even had sign NDAs. Yeah, I was that asshole. Pussy was pussy, but that’s where it ended. I fucked them but I never went down on them. Although, I must admit I sure as fuck missed eating pussy and kissing. But that was a level of intimacy that I didn’t need. And in my experience, with that level of intimacy, the women wanted to cuddle and cuddling led to staying the night with them, and I sure in the hell was not interested in waking up the next morning with them.
"Lucas." I growled. "I'm not celibate and I'm not interested in dating. However, I might look into finally hiring an assistant. I'll get with Sam and see if he can get an ad posted soon."
I sighed as I ran my hands down my face. God, I needed to shave. And when was this day ever going to end?
Sam Mitchell was the HR manager and had been with us since the beginning. I trusted his judgment. I had faith that he would hire someone who could help keep me focused, on schedule, and maybe take some of the load off my shoulders.
The firm had quite a few projects starting, so some help would be a good thing. Maybe then this gnawing feeling in my chest that has been haunting me would go away.