Chapter 1 – James #2
James pushed down his innate fear of spiders, creepy crawlies, and floors that may or may not fall out from under him, and he scurried along the perimeter wall to head his mother off at the skeleton.
“I know you’ve been feeling a lot better these past few months, but how about we don’t push it right before the holiday weekend? ”
His mom seemed to consider this, and James took advantage of her pause to scoop up the skeleton, a pumpkin cut-out, and one final box of Halloween decorations.
He gestured for her to go down the ladder first, and after making sure she made it down okay, he handed down the lighter decorations before carrying down the box.
“Have you decided what you’re doing on my favorite holiday?” His mom started pulling fake spiderwebs out of the box James was holding. “And it better not be sitting around here, cramping my style.”
“Is it cramping your style if I hide in my bedroom eating candy and watching campy horror movies?” James asked, only slightly kidding.
“James Catrina Bigley,” she said, and James tried not to cringe at his unfortunately gendered middle name.
When he’d gone through his name change, he’d been in such a rush, dealing with his mom’s recent cancer diagnosis and his rapid change of career plans, he’d completely failed to pick a new middle name for himself.
The years had passed, and he’d never gotten around to changing it.
His mom had offered to switch to “Cat” for when she full-named him, but that didn’t feel right either.
For the most part, James didn’t mind it, but today was one of those days it rubbed him a little raw.
His mom took in his expression and stopped rifling through the box. “How about Ryan?”
James shuffled through his very limited mental rolodex and came up empty. “How about Ryan…for Halloween plans?”
She blinked at him. “Do you know a Ryan?”
James’ elbow gave an angry twinge, and he sidestepped his mom to deposit the box on the counter next to the other one. “No, I don’t, so why are you asking about a Ryan?”
His mom walked up beside him and put an arm around his shoulders.
She’d finally begun gaining some weight back—which James knew he should stop tracking because his therapist said it wasn’t healthy for him, but he couldn’t help it.
Her grip strength was also coming back, and he was so busy reveling in the solidity of her grip on his arm that he almost missed her next words.
“I meant, how about Ryan instead of Catrina. James Ryan Bigley.”
That…actually sounded really nice. He rolled the name around in his head until the backs of his eyes started to burn.
He’d always thanked his lucky stars that he’d experienced a relatively easy transition, at least in terms of some of the rougher side effects of T, like acne.
Unfortunately, there was one side effect he wished he had experienced.
A lot of trans men he’d read about online, and a few he’d met through Leon forcing him to go out and meet more queer folks, found it difficult to cry after starting T.
James had absolutely no problem crying. In fact, he actually cried more than before he’d transitioned.
“I, uh…yeah. Why don’t we try that for a little while?” James said, trying to clear his throat as discreetly as possible. Based on the extra squeeze his mom gave his shoulders, he assumed he wasn’t doing a good job of it. “How did you think of that? And when did you think of that?”
“Oh, I was watching one of my programs, and a young person was transitioning into a nonbinary, and they wanted to make their name sound less feminine. I always thought Ryan was a boy's name, but they seemed to think it was androgynous enough for them, and it got me thinking about your middle name.”
James tried not to choke on the way his mom said, “a nonbinary,” but it managed to chase the tears away at least. “Was the person’s name Catrina before they transitioned?”
His mom let go of him and shuffled over to the counter. “No, it was Abigail.”
James shook his head in bewilderment and set about closing up the attic door.
His mind drifted back to Halloween plans— which he didn’t have, because he never did.
He usually handed out candy with his mom, but last year he’d apparently worn out his welcome when he’d donned the same costume for a fifth year in a row.
“Some creativity is all I’m asking for, James!” his mom had cried, gesturing down at her own ghost costume, which had the words “Cancer is boo-sheet” written across the front.
James returned to his mother’s side and was immediately handed a string of orange lights to detangle. “Am I really banned from the premises on Halloween?”
“I’d really prefer if you weren’t here,” she said, but before James could take offense at the comment, she added, “because Howard from the support group is coming over.”
Howard was a man his mom had met in the cancer survivors’ support group at the local hospital.
From everything his mom had said, he was a very nice man who’d been widowed several years back and was primarily looking for friends but wasn’t necessarily opposed to “something a little jazzier than that” if the mood was right.
Yeah, James probably didn’t want to be here if Howard was going to be here, either. He really would be cramping his mom’s style.
“How about you see what that coworker of yours is doing?” she asked, taking the lights out of his hands when it was clear he wasn’t moving fast enough.
One night, after he’d been out particularly late with Leon attending one of the Rainbow Bean’s monthly mixers, his mom asked what he’d been doing, and he told her the truth.
“There’s this guy from work who’s taken pity on me and my lack of a social life and is trying to help me meet more people,” he’d said.
This had been only two months into their budding friendship, and James was still finding it hard to believe that his once sworn nemesis really did seem to care that James had nowhere to be on a Friday night except watching old reruns with his mom.
Since then, they’d attended several mixers, as well as drag bingo at a bar across town and a game night at a queer friendly game shop. None of those outings had resulted in more than a few new Facebook friends, but he still chatted with them on occasion.
Amongst the many surprising things James had learned about Leon, one of the most surprising was that Leon also didn’t have any close friends.
While he seemed to know a lot of people, he was quick to promise his Friday nights to James because he didn’t have many other social plans outside of work.
He picked up shifts at his other job during the week and sometimes on Saturdays, but as of recently, he’d been working fewer of those, and he and James had been hanging out on a few Saturday nights as well.
“Arms, please,” his mom said.
James dutifully held out his arms so she could hang hooks on them that would hold her favorite bat decorations. “Leon’s probably busy.”
“Well, you should ask him anyway.”
After mentioning Leon one too many times in the past few months, his mom had begun poking and prodding to see if there was anything more to their relationship.
James had only been able to admit to himself quite recently that there was, in fact, a lot more than just office camaraderie between them, but he wasn’t ready to tell his mom that.
“Unless…” his mom said, placing the final hook on his arm and starting to distribute the hanging bats. “Does he have a date? I bet there are lots of fun dates you could go on for Halloween.”
James sighed internally. Honestly, that would probably be for the best. If Leon got a nice, exciting boyfriend, maybe James could stop pining over him and redownload some dating apps.
Or perhaps he’d go to one of the speed dating nights at the Rainbow Bean.
Leon had always steered clear of the café on those nights.
James figured Leon didn’t want him there, cramping his style .
Oh god, was cramping his style going to be a new phrase he used all the time?
Maybe he should stop being the kind of person who cramped other people’s style.
“I don’t know, Mom, but you’re right. Maybe I should find my own date for Halloween.”
His mom beamed at him, and he wanted to kick himself. Why had he put that idea in her head?
“Oh, that would be wonderful!” she gushed. “Do you want me to let Howard put in a good word for you with his granddaughter?”
“No, mom, thank you,” James groaned.
Howard apparently had a “very nice granddaughter” who was only two years younger than James and also worked in accounting.
It’s not that he had anything against accountants.
It’s just that…he wasn’t sure if they would smell like orange orchards and wear jeans with holes that made him question why he’d never thought calves were sexy before and?—
No. Clearly, Howard’s granddaughter deserved someone who wasn’t hopelessly hung up on his best friend.
“Alright, well, Howard says he’s really good at the dating apps,” she said, “so you let me know if you want him to look over yours.”
James dropped his arm an inch, nearly sending several bats falling to the floor.
“James—”
“Is he still on those dating apps? Mom, is Howard a player? I don’t know how I feel about you?—”
“There is nothing wrong with leaving your options open, hon,” she chided, taking his hand and leading him slowly towards the front door so they could begin the arduous process of hanging the bats around the front porch.
“You’re the only option anyone should need,” James grumbled.
His mom patted him gently on the cheek. “You know, before I met your father, I lived quite the polyamorous lifestyle.”
Oh, god, please, not this conversation again.
“I know, Mom. We’re very sex positive in this house?—”
“And there’s no reason why I can’t explore that side of myself, even in my old age.”
“You’re not that old, Mom.” He held his arm up next to the railing so she could begin moving the bats into their desired placements.
He’d offer to help, but after years of this, she knew exactly where she wanted them, and heaven forbid James mess up the spacing.
“And also, wait, what side? The polyamorous side?”
“The sapphic side,” she said, like it was the most obvious answer in the world.
“The…sapphic side,” James said slowly, as understanding dawned on him. “Mom…is Howard leaving his options open…for both of you?”
“He met a very nice woman named Linda, and we’re waiting to hear back on if she’s coming over for Halloween as well.”
James wondered if it would be possible to sink down through their front porch all the way to the center of the earth. It had to be better down there than it was up here.
“Oh my god,” James said.
His mom clucked her tongue at him. “Now, James, you’re sounding very judgy.”
“No, no, I—no judgement. I’m…”
Dear god, was he jealous of his mother?
He turned to face her, and she opened her mouth, probably to chide him for the precarious way some of the bats were now swinging off his arms, but he didn’t care.
He stepped forward and awkwardly held his arms out on either side of her.
It took her a second to figure out what he was asking for, but when she did, she wrapped her arms around his back in a gentle hug.
“I am genuinely so happy for you, Mom. All I’ve wanted for years is for you to be able to live a happy, full life, and…if this is what that looks like, then I am the number one fan of you, Howard, and Linda,” he said, and those blasted tears came back.
Back in college, he and his mom were the same height. Over the years, she’d lost a half inch or so, and he’d gained an inch with T, so now she had to tip her head ever so slightly up to look at him.
“Thank you, hon. That means a lot to me,” she said.
James absolutely did not take note of the way her left arm was still weaker than her right as she hugged him as tightly as she could.
Her physical therapist was more than likely already aware of that, and besides, it was pretty obvious his mom didn’t need him the way she had when undergoing and then recovering from treatment.
She was out there dating men and women, and maybe if she were lucky, she’d even meet a nice nonbinary .
The problem was, if his mom didn’t need him, James wasn’t really sure who did. And if no one needed him, what was he supposed to do then?