Chapter 26 #3
“And the crazy thing is, he’s gotten better.
He’s almost back to the point he started at a month ago.
You would think that would be some relief.
But while his CBC came back completely clean, that doesn’t mean his cancer’s not back.
We still have to wait for all these other tests, and I keep thinking that. ..”
She trailed off again, but I didn’t interrupt.
I waited to see if she needed to cry, or maybe just find the right way to express herself.
I’d long since found that even when I had turned something around in my head approximately fifty times in one day, it was still difficult to get it out of my mouth.
“What did you think, sweetheart? I promise, you can say whatever it is. I won’t judge you or take offense.”
“It’s stupid!”
Another long, gentle squeeze. “I assure you, nothing you could say could be stupid. Unless you’re about to go on a tangent about how the earth is flat or how empathy isn’t real.”
That earned the slightest chuckle from her. Even when my sweetheart was down and struggling, I could at least give her a glimmer of levity.
“No, not quite. But it feels like it’s on that level.”
“It’s not. I promise. Go ahead, lay it on me. If I’m lying, I’ll give all of my bear powers to you.”
Her eyes went wide and she seemed perhaps a little too keen on that idea. Granted, it was no surprise that my fearless, incredibly strong darling was interested in being a shifter. “You can do that?”
“Not really.” I chuckled. “At least, not that I know of. But there are a lot of legends about it. Although usually it’s from a shifter crossing some god or violating our internal laws and getting their animals stripped from them only to earn it back through a series of trials and lessons that have them learning the true responsibility that comes from being a shifter. ”
“Ah, I see. Like Mjolnir.”
“S tes souhaits,” I said automatically before following it up with the English phrase.
While Jeannie told me she’d learned a lot of Louisiana Creole, Haitian Creole, and Cape Verdean Creole from our holiday spent together, I wasn’t sure just how much she’d picked up on.
Plus, knowing her and her son, they might have started studying the languages.
Hell, I wouldn’t have been surprised if she’d decided to pursue pidgin too.
“Bless you. Also, Nice try at trying to change the topic.”
“It was worth a shot.” She waffled for a few more moments, but this time I could tell that whatever thought she was struggling with was circling closer and closer to the surface.
“You see, when Max was really sick—and I mean really sick, as in his medical team was telling me I needed to brace for the worst—I made this sort of deal. I don’t know if it was with God or the universe or even life itself, but I made a deal that if they got Max through everything, I’d never ask for anything again.
That I would never want for a single thing for the rest of my life. All I needed was Max.
“But then you and the girls came along, and I finally allowed myself to want for more. You know? So when I got hit with the news that his cancer might be back after these past few months of happiness, I couldn’t help but feel...”
“Like you broke your bargain,” I finished for her.
Jeez, my heart was getting a full workout with all the squeezing, swelling, and aching for these two lovely humans with souls of gold.
They didn’t deserve any of this. I wanted to wave my hand and take it all away, but one of the many things Zara had taught me was that it was important not to spend too much energy on wishes.
That was better spent focusing on what could be done or changed.
“Yeah. Basically. I made a deal, and I violated that deal, so even though I know that’s not how it works, I guess I got caught up in feeling like I was the reason Max was sick again. AML is supposed to have an insanely low recurrence rate, so what other reason could there be for it?”
“Oh, Jeannie, sweetie, sugar, mon cher, I understand why you might think that, but I truly hate that you felt you had to blame yourself. None of this is your fault. Max isn’t sick again just because you’re dating.
“I know it can be incredibly hard to take time for yourself after depersonalizing Jeannie away from a beautiful, vivacious woman with a brain that truly amazes me into Jeannie the mother, sole caregiver and part-time nurse to a full-time sick kid, but I promise you haven’t broken any deals.
There’s no great deity in the sky waiting to strike Max down because you’re finally experiencing happiness and getting just a fraction of the support you deserve. ”
“I know, I know, I know,” she chanted into my chest. “But as much as I tell myself that, it just can’t quiet the noise or the fear.”
“I’m sorry, sweetheart, I really am.” I switched the stroking of her hair to gentle scalp scratches so I didn’t overstimulate her.
“I won’t pretend that those kinds of things will just go away, but maybe once things are settled with Max and all of his tests come back clear, we can get you into therapy. I think it would really help.”
“I do miss it. I’ve gotten a lot of sessions here and there thanks to programs from the cancer center, but most of them are over once your kid is in remission, and it’s been hard to find time for them with all the work I’ve been taking on to try to save up for Max’s future.
You know, now that he’s supposed to have one. ”
It was a dark comment but a true one. There was a lot of cost that came with having a healthy kid growing up, and while I was sure Jeannie was happy to have that issue, it meant a lot of bills stacked up, and no doubt a lot of medical debt.
I was more than willing to help her wherever she would let me, but there was only so much she would be comfortable with me doing while we were still in such early stages of dating.
I’d be more than happy to completely cover Max’s education no matter how far into his schooling he decided to go, but that felt like far too heavy of an offer to make before we’d even dated for six months.
We hadn’t even said “I love you” yet.
“There’s a lot on your plate. But for right now, let’s just forget all that and have a night in.
I’ll cook, so we can put something on your literal plate instead of your metaphorical one, the girls will chill with Max until they all fall asleep, and I’ll carry them out to the car and drive them home when you’re ready for us to leave. ”
Her lip quivered again, and God, I wanted to kiss it, but it wasn’t the time.
I would save that for later, because now that I knew what was up, there was most certainly going to be a later, and it wasn’t going to be a month in the future.
No, as long as Jeannie was fine with it, I planned to visit every day.
I didn’t even have to hang around long. I could just unload the dishwasher, load it back up, make them dinner, do their laundry, then leave.
As long as it meant she knew she was taken care of.
“It’s really hard for me not to feel guilty. I feel like a failure for not being able to keep up with it myself.”
“That’s perfectly natural,” I answered calmly.
“Remember, we can’t always control our feelings, but what we can control is how we react to them and what we do because of them.
So feel how you feel, and we can process it together, but I think it’s time for you to stop punishing yourself because of the coping mechanisms you’ve had to learn to get this far in one piece. ”
“I don’t understand how you know me so well. It’s like I’ve been walking one step to the left of everyone my whole life, but you came into my life like a hurricane and somehow you get me. As if we’ve always known each other.”
If I wasn’t so concentrated on making sure Jeannie was all right, I might have started to tear up a bit.
Because I knew what she meant. While I didn’t think I was the most peculiar person on the planet, I had spent much of my childhood feeling like I didn’t understand the things that were so implicit to everybody else.
For a while there, I’d thought I wasn’t just a shifter, but potentially an alien dropped on the planet and had to learn all the things people knew instinctually.
That feeling had vanished once I met Zara, once I found somebody who got me, who could translate for me to others the same way I could translate for her.
The idea that Jeannie had never had that was a true tragedy, so it was an honor in every sense of the word that she considered me her person in that way.
“It’s because I see you, Jeannie. And what I see is amazing. You are quite literally one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met.”
“I don’t know how you see me that way, but I won’t argue. Thank you. You—”
Whatever she had been about to say was interrupted by a sturdy knock on the door. Her confused expression told me she wasn’t expecting anyone.
“I’ll go get it,” I said, standing up and gently placing her on her feet. But her hand on my chest gave me pause.
“No, no, let me do it.” Normally I would have argued, because she’d just bawled her eyes out, but we were in Jeannie’s house, and this was a way for her to get herself under control.
Although I was her protector, although I wanted nothing more than to sweep her away from anything that troubled her, I also knew I needed to respect her authority in her territory.
Until we lived together, I was a guest in her home.
Until we lived together?
I had no clue where that thought had come from, but I tucked it away to daydream about later.
“If you’re sure.”
“I am.”