Chapter 6 I’m Not Him
I’m Not Him
Collins
Having Harley’s body pressed against mine all night, swaying sensually to the music, was vastly different than the first night I met her at Lockout. When she was timid, but still spun in circles with me on the dancefloor until everyone but Dom, Nik, and Sin called it quits for the evening.
It would’ve been the perfect night until it happened.
We’re driving back to my place, Harley munching on her greasy burger and humming along happily to the music—when a small, silver car that sped through the red light as ours turned green, narrowly misses a direct impact on Harley’s side of my Tacoma.
His car instead made an impact on the back end of the truck because I sped up a little.
I knew as soon as it happened what caused this, when the kid, no older than twenty-two, got out of his car—red and glossy-eyed, barely able to stand on his own.
Her panicked scream of my name, “Collins!” It takes me right back to that night, just a terrified sixteen-year-old arriving at the scene of one of his worst nightmares with his parents.
The sounds of sirens, officers trying to get us to look away from the crumpled jeep on the side of the road, and the smell of burning engine oil combined with the smell of alcohol on the man who took my brother away from me.
Trying to snap myself out of it proves harder than I thought it would be. I pull myself out of the car in stiff movements. Quickly calling 911 on my phone, reporting the scene of the incident as I make my way around to check on my girl.
“Sit the fuck down!” I yell at the kid. I don’t know why he even got out of the car. He obeys immediately, making his way to the sidewalk, dropping his head into his hands.
Even faster than I called 911, I swing Harley’s door open, the panic that was simmering in my blood now full-blown, sizzling, “Tell me you’re okay.”
“I’m… Okay. I think.” Tears fall on her face as I take it in my hands, slowly moving her head around, inspecting her for injuries.
I must be scanning her body more thoroughly than she expected because her soft voice breaks through my fog, “Collins. Hey. Breathe. I’m right here. I’m okay.”
When I don’t respond, Harley tries again, “Collins, baby. You gotta calm down. I think you’re having a panic attack.”
That’s when I realize that I’m breathing unsteadily, my hands shaking furiously as I grip Harley’s face in my hands still. Approaching sirens tell me I need to get it together so I can talk to the emergency personnel.
I take one deep breath, briefly closing my eyes and shaking away the thoughts of Jordan, “Stay here until an EMT checks you out, please.”
The switch in my demeanor seems to throw Harley for a loop, but I need to know she’s okay before she gets out of the truck. She just nods in confusion as I head over to the officer who arrived on the scene.
“Sir, were you the one who called 911?” The officer asks as I approach.
“Yes. My girlfriend and I were driving home from Lockout when we got T-boned by that kid as we were passing through the intersection on our green light.” I gesture to the boy who still sits on the pavement, slightly swaying side to side.
“Have you been drinking?”
“Never, especially not when I need to get my girl home safe. She was drinking at the club, and he has multiple signs of being intoxicated. He could barely stand when he unfolded himself from the front seat.” I look back to see that an EMT has moved Harley to the back of an ambulance and is looking her over.
“Do you need to be checked out?” The EMT, Mari, I think she said her name was, asks me. The fog of adrenaline still surrounds me.
“I don’t think so, but I’ll go with her to the ER when the time comes.” Mari nods before continuing to inspect my girl.
“I’m going to need to talk to them both. Go on and get your license and registration for me, call your insurance so we can get these cars out of here too.” The officer approaches again and directs.
“Yes, sir.” I head back toward my Tacoma, grabbing everything we’ll need out of the truck and head toward Harley.
“Is she okay?” I ask Mari as I approach, my fear that she has some sort of injury I missed seeping back toward the surface.
“Yep! She did hit her head on the seat when you had to slam the car to a stop, so we want to do a CT scan at Tampa Hospital as a precaution. She doesn’t have any signs of a concussion, though.”
“Thank God.” I look toward the sky, blinking back emotion. Harley’s hand grabs mine from where she sits, pulling me into the space Mari has vacated.
“Once the officers give an all-clear, we’ll head over to the hospital.” Mari tosses toward us as she passes by to check out the other driver.
“Collins…”
I steel myself, knowing that sooner rather than later I’m going to have to explain why I reacted that way. I don’t know if I can do that tonight though, my emotions are running high and the adrenaline is starting to wear off.
Harley tugs on my hand, attempting to get my attention again.
“Harls… I can’t.” Hurt quickly flashes across her face, and I want to tell her it’s not her, that I want to tell her about Jordan. That he would’ve adored her, probably tried to steal her from me. “I want to. I just can’t, not tonight. I’m sorry.”
“O-okay.” Her voice shaky, I imagine the adrenaline is wearing off for her, too. That her body is tired, and the fear that she was previously feeling is rushing back in.
I sit down on the back of the ambulance with her, pulling her into my arms. Letting her presence soothe my aching chest while mine hopefully calms her down.
“You two ready to get checked out?” Mari asks, coming back toward us.
“Let’s get out of here,” I say to Mari as I stand, she gets us situated in the back, then her partner begins the drive toward Tampa Hospital.
We call Sin on the way there, telling her we’re fine but going to need a ride back to my place. I don’t think she calms until she lays her eyes on us in the waiting room after we’ve been cleared to leave with orders to rest and relax for a few days.
“Are you sure you don’t want to come home tonight?” Sin asks Harley for the thirtieth time as we approach the driveway of my home.
“I want to be with Collins tonight.” She pauses, squeezing my hand reassuringly from the front seat. “I’ll text you when we wake up, that we survived the night. I appreciate you coming to get us.”
“Okay, love you both. Get some rest, stay hydrated.” Sin gives us both a pointed glare before we exit the car. I carry our bags, unlocking the front door, and we’re greeted by displeased purrs from Precious.
“Sorry, Precious. We had some unforeseen events come up tonight. Ready for bed, sweet lady?” Harls asks, scooping my cat off the floor as we head toward my bedroom.
“You can shower first.” I assert, setting our bags on the ground. Harley drops Precious onto the bed before grabbing her duffle and locking herself in the bathroom without a word.
I find myself pulling out my phone and scrolling through old pictures, wishing that my brother were here today.
That his death didn’t happen, that we were falling in love together, and that our parents wouldn’t look at me and only see the son they lost. I was at his pro soccer games while he came to my hockey ones.
The pain in my chest intensifies, and my eyes clog with tears.
This time, I let them fall, knowing that I have a few minutes before Harley rejoins me.
Once I hear the shower click off, I wipe away the tears and gather my clothes.
We pass each other silently as I enter and she exits.
I quickly wash off, brush my teeth, and then enter the dark and quiet bedroom.
The bed dips as I lie down beside Harley, she doesn’t say anything, but I know she’s not sleeping, the lack of her quiet snores and Precious’ contented purring is telling enough.
“Harls…” I say quietly in the dark.
“Yeah?” She whispers back.
“I just want to hold you tonight. Tomorrow we can talk, okay? We both need rest.”
“Okay.” With her confirmation, I wrap my arm around her middle, pulling her into my side. She adjusts her head on my chest before throwing her leg over mine. We lie like this until we succumb to sleep.
I’m suddenly jerked awake by my phone vibrating repeatedly on my nightstand.
I check to make sure my movement didn’t frighten Harley, seeing that she turned over in the night, her shoulders slowly rising and falling.
I grab my phone to see who’s disturbing me at the ungodly hour of two PM.
Oof, last night took it out of us. All of the guys have called at least twice and I can’t bring myself to get up yet, so I text them instead.
Collins
I’m alive, and yes we’re okay. No, I don’t want to talk about it. I just woke up and we’re exhausted.
They know I lost my brother when I was younger, but they don’t know how. Although I imagine my lack of drinking says enough.
Dom
Dude. I thought you were dead. You never sleep this late, Sin told us y’all were fine but needed to see it for myself.
Collins
It wasn’t as bad as it seems.
Tatum
Your car is totaled, bro. That’s bad.
Collins
It’s only totaled because I sped up to avoid Harley getting a direct hit.
Mav
Can we do anything?
Nik
I can make food.
Nik’s always the first to offer food as his way of helping in any sort of situation. I appreciate him for that.
Collins
No. We’re just going to rest today. I appreciate it. Someone tell the girls, Harley’s still sleeping. I don’t want them waking her up.
Mav
On it.
Tatum
Let us know if you need anything.
Dom
Seriously. Anything at all.
Collins
Thank you. Appreciate you guys.
I set my phone down and let my eyes drift closed again before I’m woken up by Precious. She’s making biscuits on my back, I must’ve flipped over after I fell back asleep. She has an automatic feeder and litter box, so she’s waking me up for attention.