5. Chelsea
5
Chelsea
It’s amazing what a comfort routine can do for the soul. I swear there’s nothing more refreshing and soul-cleansing than a burning hot shower. The kind where the water temporarily turns your skin bright red. Not that I need to do any soul-cleansing at the moment. But it definitely helps put my mind at ease after unexpectedly ending my work day talking to the man who stole my heart and shattered it seven years ago.
The butterflies have finally settled by the time I’m dressed in a pair of super soft lounge pants and a coordinating cami. Planning to stay in for the night and decompress, I throw my hair up into a messy knot and make my way to the kitchen, only to find Hailey lounging on the sectional couch. She must’ve come home while I was in the shower.
We’ve been roommates for a few months now. After confiding in her several times about the scary turn my relationship with Jason had taken, Hailey insisted that I move in with her. As the Event Coordinator for Elysian Suites, she makes enough to live comfortably on her own but had insisted that her home felt empty with only her living there.
Up until moving in with Hailey, I’d been living with Jason in a small apartment that barely allotted either of us our own space. During those last few months of our relationship, I was constantly on edge, wondering what kind of mood he’d be in when he got home. Hailey’s offer to move in with her had been perfect timing and at least gave me a modicum of comfort.
“So, I saw your brother today.” The words are out of my mouth before I can overthink them, and I find myself watching Hailey for a reaction.
She drops her phone into her lap and turns towards me, eyeing me over the back of the couch. “Fuck. I knew he was coming home, but I didn’t think you’d see him before I had a chance to warn you. Did you talk to him?” Her voice is almost cautious, like she’s afraid of what my reaction is going to be.
She knew he was coming home.
Does that mean he’s not visiting, but that he’s here to stay?
Memories of how heartbroken I was when Austin left seven years ago flood my mind, and it’s a fight to keep those emotions at bay. That kind of heartbreak stays with you long after the pieces have been mended. In my case, the broken pieces have dulled over time, but they were never truly put back together. I would have spent weeks curled up in bed, wishing the rest of the world would disappear if it hadn’t been for Hailey and Ethan.
They both played such a huge part in helping me put myself back together, especially once Ethan stepped in and showed me the perfect way to get my anger and frustration out. I never saw myself as the type of person who would enjoy pulling a trigger or throwing sharp-bladed objects. The first time that Ethan took me to an indoor range was the first time I finally felt the anger and heartbreak subside. I felt powerful with a weapon in my hand, and the endorphins that coursed through my body quickly became an outlet for all of the emotions battling inside of me. It was a way to channel my anger, fear, and worry into strength.
Ethan came with me the first handful of times to make sure that I was being as safe as possible, but it didn’t take long for me to learn the proper way to stand or how to brace for the gun’s kickback. Hailey would join us occasionally, and over the years, the three of us have made it a point to go to various indoor and outdoor shooting ranges anytime one of us begins to feel out of control.
After grabbing a drink from the fridge, I plop down onto the couch beside her and pull my legs up to sit cross-legged. Fidgeting with the water bottle in my hand and picking at the label, I say, “Yeah, he um… He came into the bakery today to place an order for your mom. She called while I was at my appointment, and I guess he decided to come in instead. He claims he didn’t know that it was my bakery.” I heave a sigh and look up to meet her eyes.
She’s holding her phone now, the screen lit up to signal that a message likely just came through. She glances at it to read the incoming text before she blows out a breath and says, “I’m sorry I didn’t give you a heads up. I only just found out this morning, but things were crazy at work, and I didn’t have a chance to talk to you before your appointment. I had no idea that you would run into him.” She looks genuinely sorry, and given my history with her brother, I doubt she would keep his return from me.
“I mean, it’s fine. It was a little awkward but nothing I couldn’t handle.” Needing a change of subject, I reach over for the TV remote to bring up a streaming app. “Wanna watch a movie or something?” I ask, flipping through the endless options .
“Actually, I thought we could go out tonight,” she says. When my eyes flip back to hers, it’s then that I realize she’s dressed in dark jeans and a deep red top with a sweetheart neckline. Her chestnut brown hair is styled in loose waves and hanging over her shoulders, hitting right below her collarbone.
“Oh…” I glance down at my lounge attire and then back at her. “Did we have plans that I forgot about?” It wouldn’t be the first time that I've let the plans we made skip my mind after a therapy session. I always seem to leave my appointments with my mind a mess. It’s a wonder that I manage to get anything done afterward.
“No, but Ethan posted on his socials about it being Throwback Night at Club Obsidian tonight. The playlist they have posted sounds like it’s gonna be really good.”
I ignore her and continue flipping through the endless movie and TV show options, looking for something I’ve already seen so that I can let it play in the background. All I want to do is curl up on the couch and read the new smutty romance book that my favorite author released, but I have a hard time sitting in complete silence. Hailey clearly has other plans for us if her tossing one of the throw pillows from the couch at me and knocking the controller out of my hand is any indication. Laughing, I look over at her and say, “Today’s session was hard, Hails. I’d rather just stay home.”
Her nose scrunches up as she jumps from the couch and grabs my hand, tugging me up to stand. “Nope! C’mon, go change. If you stay home all you’re going to do is replay everything in your mind. Plus, I may have already told Ethan that we’d meet him there,” she says, her lips pulling into a smile at that last part. Of course she did. Ethan is as much family to the Anders’ crew as I am. He was Austin’s best friend all through high school and he’s stepped in to fill the older-brother spot for Hailey in Austin’s absence, though I’d be willing to bet my top-secret chocolate chip cookie recipe that Ethan doesn’t see Hailey as a sister.
Nevertheless, I know she’s right. I will let my mind be absorbed in everything today’s session brought up if I stay home, so I don’t fight her on it. I tug my hand free and head to my bedroom to change.
Thirty minutes later, I’m standing in front of my full-length bedroom mirror wearing a pair of distressed dark-wash jeans that hug my thick thighs and hips in a way that accentuates my full curves. I’ve been firmly in the plus-size category since high school, and it’s taken me a long time to start to love and accept my body. It certainly doesn’t help that I’m not exactly proportionate. Most women who have a soft belly and curves like I do have also been blessed in the breast department, but not me. As if having to find tops that fit properly wasn’t already a struggle, the fact that clothing makers automatically assume that plus-size women have larger breasts makes it exceedingly difficult.
Thankfully, there have been a few exclusively plus-size clothing stores popping up over the past few years that have made it easier for me to at least find bras in the proper size. As much as I protested against going out tonight, I have to admit that putting in the effort to get a little dolled up has already started to lift my spirits and chase away the dark memories plaguing my mind after today’s therapy session .
After pairing a flattering black top with short flutter sleeves and a lace inset at the neck and my favorite black chunky heel ankle boots with the dark jeans, I take a moment to stare at my reflection in the tall mirror. The heel of the ankle boots is just enough to give me a little boost in height but not enough to have me feeling that much taller than I already am. At five-foot-eleven, I’m already taller than most women and don’t need to be standing out even more than I already do.
I styled my long hair in soft curls that drape down my back and decided to do my makeup for a change but kept it fairly neutral with a little foundation, mascara, and a slightly smokey eye in natural tones. Tonight, my outer appearance is my armor.
Lately, I need all of the self-confidence I can get. As if I hadn’t been torn down enough in life, Jason put the icing on the cake with all of the insults he’d throw my way. Breaking me down and making me feel insignificant had become one of his favorite pastimes, and that’s not an easy thing to do considering my height and the fact that I’m rocking all the curves a woman could ever dream of.
Still, he had this way of making me feel incredibly small and worthless , something I swore I’d never let another man make me feel. He always had a dark streak inside of him, but I used to chalk it up to him being the typical bad boy. He even wore a leather jacket and had various tattoos and piercings that accentuated his bad-boy look. I used to think he would never physically harm me—his words were always his weapon of choice—but with his threats constantly lingering over my head, I’m not so sure anymore.