Chapter Twenty-Four
THEA
I never said anything else to Joe about what happened. It wasn't a big deal. Children all over the world got fussy about bedtime. Plenty of children had moms and dads, and moms and moms, and dads and dads, and any combination of family members going through things.
My emotional reaction wasn’t rational, and I knew that.
I hated that I was feeling so out of sorts.
Every time I tried to logic my way out of the trains of thought boxing me in, I failed.
Because I couldn't have children. Even if I could be the most amazing stepmother in the world to Joey, it wouldn't change what I could never be to any child.
I still didn't know what was going on with his mom, and that lack of knowledge felt like a splinter driven under the edge of a fingernail. It was causing just enough pain to hurt, but a minor enough injury that I kept ignoring it.
Joey did apologize the following morning. He didn’t even need to, but of course I accepted it. It was no big deal. It really wasn't. My own freaking feelings were the problem, and those had nothing to do with Joey.
When something came up for Joe the following weekend because he had to cover the car service the whole weekend, I told him maybe it was best if I didn't come up.
I changed my mind and went up anyway because, of course, he needed someone to be there for Joey.
I didn't want to be that kind of fiancée, the kind who stayed out of the way when it was difficult.
Joey got upset and reminded me I wasn't his mother again. “I know that, Joey. I'm not trying to be your mom.”
I was folding his laundry, and Joe was out on a call, dealing with towing three cars that had what sounded like a spectacular fender bender near the town green.
“Why are you here every weekend?” Joey crossed his arms, his cheeks puffing up as he stared at me.
“Your dad and I are engaged, and I love him.”
“I changed my mind. I don't want you and Dad to get married.”
I felt lost in this conversation, but I couldn’t avoid it, so I handled it as best I could.
“Sweetie.” I placed one of his T-shirts on the top of the stack and knelt in front of him. “Nothing is going to happen too fast. I'll let your dad know how you're feeling. Will that help.?”
A little tuft of hair bounced on top of his head with his emphatic nod. “And can you leave?”
“I can't leave now, Joey.”
“You can call Grammy. She'll come over.”
I felt a little sick, and my heart ached.
This, I could logically understand. Maybe I didn't understand what was going on with his mom, but I knew Joey somehow thought if he pinned his hopes on his mom and his dad being together, then whatever was happening with his mom would be solved.
Maybe a little information would have helped me, but still.
“I’ll wait and talk to your dad,” I said calmly.
“I think you should go when he gets home.”
I kept my promise and talked to Joe when he got home after Joey was asleep in bed. I even suggested it’d be best if I left.
“Are you insane? You're not leaving,” Joe said firmly.
“Joe, he's really upset.”
I swallowed and tried to ignore the twisty feeling in my stomach.
“I know, but—” Joe shifted on the couch and ran a hand through his hair. “I know he's upset, but he can't dictate what the grown-ups in his life are going to do.”
“I know. It seems like he's feeling really emotional,” I finally said.
“I know he is, but this isn't okay. I'm going to talk to him tomorrow.”
“I think you should wait to talk to him until after I leave.”
“Why would I wait until after you leave?”
“He's just a little boy. It’s not logical, but he’s connecting my presence here right now somehow to what’s happening with his mom. I think it's best if you give him that space just for you and him to have the conversation.”
Joe straightened, his brow creasing. “Thea, I think it's better if he hears it when we're here together. He needs to apologize to you for his feelings.”
“Feelings are feelings. They’re not rooted in facts sometimes. He does not need to apologize to me for his feelings. That’s confusing, and even adults can’t fix their feelings like that. He's just a little boy.”
Joe fell quiet after that. For the first time, it felt like we weren't on the same page. While part of me was comforted that he wanted us to be a united front with Joey, Joey needed to be able to process this with his dad. Not with me. That could come later.