Chapter Thirty-Four
Thirty-Four
Seventeen years ago
Natalie had never felt so good about getting in trouble before. She missed a lot of afternoon recess and almost always lost her TV time, but it never went much beyond that. Maybe she reacted too quickly, maybe unnecessarily at times, but it was working and she wasn’t going to take any risks.
Natalie stuck to Gwen like glue. Sometimes she worried that she was annoying Gwen, being too much of a burden, but it had been more than a year since they’d become roommates and Natalie was starting to think the dependence might be mutual.
Gwen never hung out with anyone else; it wasn’t like she was dragging Natalie along out of some sense of obligation.
Gwen had a special way about her. Natalie never felt like a charity case.
She never sensed any pity. Gwen was confident.
There wasn’t anything wrong with Natalie, but she had never been taught how to deal with the world.
Everything Gwen said was the opposite of anything anyone had ever told her before, and Natalie had completely bought in.
This place wasn’t so bad. Compared to some of the other kids, Natalie was almost normal.
She didn’t feel like she was walking around with a big sign that said freak over her head.
They were all freaks; it was implied. The “schooling” was way easier than a traditional classroom and she enjoyed not having to think she was stupid every day.
Gwen and Natalie talked most nights until an attendant would pound on the glass and tell them to be quiet or they would be separated.
“Do you think you’ll get married?” Gwen had asked her one night out of the blue as they lay in their beds.
“I don’t know,” answered Natalie, her usual answer to Gwen’s questions before Gwen could pry more out of her.
“Why not?”
“I don’t know.”
“You always say you don’t know,” complained Gwen. “Obviously, you don’t know, but what do you think? Like, best guess?”
Natalie thought for a second. “Probably not.”
“Why?”
Natalie considered the why but didn’t want to say it. She didn’t think anyone would want to marry her. She was not someone people liked to keep around. Well, other than Gwen.
“You better not be thinking anything sad,” said Gwen, knowing without knowing.
“I’m not,” Natalie insisted.
“You have to start thinking about these things,” Gwen said. “We’re not going to be in this place forever.”
“You always say that.”
“Well, it’s true! Do you see any forty-year-olds locked up around here?”
“No.” Natalie giggled.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get married,” Gwen mused.
“Why not?”
Gwen thought about it. “It just seems weird. What if you don’t want them to know something about you? What if they’re mean or stupid or get really ugly? Do you think you could really trust them?”
Natalie shrugged. “You could get a divorce.”
“I guess.” Gwen pulled her legs out from under the covers and flopped them back on top of the bed. “Unless they’re abusive. Then what do you do? Kill them? Now you have to be a murderer because you married some guy who used to seem perfect.”
“I don’t think you would have to kill him,” said Natalie. “Couldn’t you just run away?”
Gwen laughed out loud at the suggestion. Natalie wasn’t sure why but was embarrassed that it was such a laughable idea.
“You make it sound so easy,” said Gwen. “It’s not easy to go into hiding.
Where are you going to go? With what money?
How are you going to change your looks enough so some man you slept with every night won’t recognize you?
And even if he’s just a lazy piece of crap who won’t come looking, you’re still going to worry he will.
You want to live your whole life looking over your shoulder? Or don’t you just want to be single?”
“Single, I guess,” said Natalie.
“Don’t say that just because that’s what I’m saying. Maybe you will be a perfect wife someday.”
Natalie shrugged. She wanted to please Gwen with her answers, but sometimes she felt like there was no answer that would please her.
“What about your job?” asked Gwen. “What kind of job do you want to have?”
“I don’t know,” said Natalie, before wincing. “Sorry, umm…I really don’t know.”
Gwen considered it. “Okay, but you’re supposed to think about it; don’t you think about it? In a perfect world, don’t you think about being a movie star or a veterinarian or something?”
“No.”
Gwen looked at her funny. “Interesting.”
“What does that mean?” asked Natalie.
“I mean it’s interesting. Don’t get mad about it; it’s not a bad thing. I like the way you think about things. Or don’t think about them.” Gwen chuckled.
“Are you making fun of me?”
“Oh my God.” Gwen threw her head back. “No!” She tossed her pillow playfully across the room at Natalie. “Trust me, you will know if I don’t like you.”
“Okay,” said Natalie, sliding off her bed to dutifully return Gwen’s pillow.
Gwen grabbed it and shoved it back under her head while Natalie returned to her own bed.
“I think you should try writing in a journal,” suggested Gwen. “Maybe if you write things down, it will help you think. It will give you more ideas.”
“About what?”
“Anything. Your life. Maybe you won’t say I don’t know to every question I ask. Plus, we’ve figured out it’s much better for you not to keep things bottled up, don’t you think?”
“Yeah.”
“Just try it. It couldn’t hurt. Remember, we aren’t going to be in this place forever!” Gwen barely got the sentence out before she burst out laughing. Then both girls giggled until there was a familiar tap against their door.
“All right, girls, that’s enough…lights out.”
“Ugh.” Gwen rolled her eyes and flipped off her bedside table lamp. “Good night,” she whispered.
“Good night,” Natalie whispered back.
Gwen was asleep within minutes. Natalie was used to Gwen’s snoring now and even found it comforting. This last-resort lock-and-key children’s institution had turned out to be the place where Natalie could finally feel at home. And, dare she say, optimistic?