30. Halloween
Courtney
Imake my way to Elsie’s coffee house without any upsetting sightings, without many sightings at all actually. It’s a breezy Halloween evening and the sky holds the threat of pouring at any minute. Because of this many of Havenwood’s residents are choosing to stay indoors, avoiding any unnecessary outings until trick-or-treating hours roll around, giving me the perfect opportunity to escape town unnoticed.
Regardless of the lack of locals, I still attempt to keep a low profile. The fewer people I have to interact with the better. I’m barely keeping myself together as it is, any questioning, no matter how innocent, will send me into another sobbing fit. Then I’ll have to deal with being sad and embarrassed.
I’m wearing my thick autumn coat, muted Dodgers hat, and overly priced sunglasses that I bought from a Sunglass Hut one summer on the Santa Monica pier. A discrete combo that makes me completely unrecognizable, or so I think. I peer around the brick corner of the Mystic Brew and, upon seeing no one lingering out front, hastily make my entrance.
The little bell attached to the door dings as I clamor inside, alerting Elsie to my arrival. A happy smile stretches onto her freckled face as she recognizes me, so much for my disguise.
“It’s 4 p.m. and cloudy,” She graciously reminds me, motioning to my glasses. I chuckle and move them up to rest on the bill of my hat, disregarding any attempt at anonymity.
“Oat milk latte?” She questions, cleaning a spent espresso shot from the basket of her portafilter. I shake my head, angling my nervous gaze towards the floor.
“No, Els. Actually-”
“You’re leaving.” She cuts me off. Her tone is sad but understanding, I knew Elsie would empathize with my decision.
“I’m sorry,” My voice cracks as I anxiously tuck a brown strand behind my ear.
“I just can’t stay here.”
Elsie rounds the counter, removing her coffee-stained apron before embracing me tightly. Her tiny frame squeezes my own so tightly I feel like I might burst.
“Don’t be sorry, we both know you have to heal and you can’t do it here. Havenwood will always be here,” she shrugs casually before offering an encouraging smile.
“You made sure of that.”
I smile back and, though it hurts like hell to say goodbye to the best friend I have made during my time here, I know I’ll see Elsie Murphy again someday. Our friendship is not defined by the amount of time we have known one another and it won’t be defined by the amount of time we spend apart either. Elsie releases me but quickly pins me with a concerned look.
“What about Courtney’s Cover to Cover? It’s ready to open, are you just going to cancel your lease?”
I had had this very same thought earlier today and had come prepared. I pull out the small key landlord Gable had given me and press it into her reluctant palm.
“It’s only a six-month lease, I’ll continue to pay the rent on it. But here’s the key in case you need a quiet reading spot. Maybe somewhere to hide from your dad and grandma?” My comment causes her to giggle, the look of mirth swirling in her brown irises giving me the perfect mental picture to remember her by and queuing me into making my exit.
“Bye, Els.”
“Bye, Courtney. Don’t forget to text me!” She calls as I push the front door of the coffee house open. I give her a nod through the front window before once again lowering my shades over my eyes and heading for my second and final destination.
Visiting Agnes at her bakery is a much more dangerous venture since the front of her shop is not comprised of giant window panes like Elsie’s coffee house is. I’m essentially be going in blind, running the high risk of my visit overlapping with Finn’s or Milo’s. But it is a risk I’m willing to take, knowing I’d hate myself forever if I skipped town without saying goodbye to the sweet old baker.
I take a deep breath and yank the honey-colored door open, pleased to see the bakery vacant aside from Agnes and the wonderful scents wafting from the ovens. Her back is turned to me as she reaches for a can from a tall cabinet.
“Figured I’d be seeing you, at least I hoped you wouldn’t leave without saying goodbye.” I take a few hesitant steps into her shop, savoring the gooey smell of the dough she is currently baking. Agnes turns to look at me, her eyes warm and knowing as ever.
“Milo was here before you, he told me about the.. hubble bubble.” Agnes hesitates as she steps out onto the floor in front of me. I laugh through a constricted throat as a tear slips past my lids, I palm it away with the sleeve of my shirt. It’s at this moment I realize just how much I’m going to miss Agnes Booker.
Her presence had become a calming and reliable one through the insecurities of moving to a new town, navigating falling in love, and even now as I made the hardest decision of my life. Agnes had made Havenwood my home from day one, making it devastating to say goodbye now.
“Oh,” Agnes clicks her tongue as she pulls me into a motherly hug, the softness of her body reminding me of the best kind of hugs you get from your grandma.
“I won’t bore you with details,” I say lightheartedly as I squeeze her back, enjoying the way she rubs my back as we embrace, intuitively knowing I need the comfort in this moment.
“Good,” She teases, pulling back from our hug but still holding me close by my arms affectionately.
“Just remember that sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall into their place.” She looks me over, studying me with kind eyes as she tosses one of my caramel strands over my shoulder.
“Sometimes people need to understand what they’ve lost to appreciate what they had.” I give her a doubtful smile in return. I strongly doubt anything can come of Finn and I’s relationship now, let alone something better, I still appreciate her blind optimism.
“Thank you for everything, Agnes. You truly are the heart of Havenwood and I’m going to miss you.” I reach into my pocket and pull out a folded piece of paper.
“I wrote down my number.” Agnes gently shoos the paper away with a wrinkled hand.
“I’m not one for phone calls, child. Just promise me you’ll come back and visit me sometime.” I bite my lip in hesitation but a stern look from the baker coaxes an agreement out of me.
“You drive a tough bargain, Agnes.” I joke, shaking my head with a small laugh.
“You’ll be back. I know things are bleak right now but I also know you and Finn have something special. Time heals all things.”
I chose not to respond to her comment about Finn and I, not wanting to even contemplate what the future might look like. Instead, we hug once again and say our final goodbyes.
As I push through the honey-colored door and into the final rays of sunshine emanating from the horizon line, I leave the bakery behind for the last time. As I put more distance between us I can’t help but ruminate on Agnes’ words and think about how wrong she is. Time doesn’t fix all things, actions do, growth does, and forgiveness does. And for now, and for the foreseeable future, forgiveness is not happening on my end.
The crisp evening air nips at my cheeks as I trek back to Queens Avenue and my car full of belongings, Havenwood’s way of biding me farewell. The sun has just set, plunging the world into darkness and gearing up for a particularly cold Halloween night. As I make my way across town I start to notice people and faces I don’t recognize, the sight of them baffling me. I had stayed in Havenwood for months and had only seen a select few dozen rotations of locals and these people were not them.
As I look further up the cobblestone road I see groups and clusters of strangers, validating my theory that these aren’t locals and sending me further into confusion. Most of them appear to be mid to early twenties with dyed hair, piercings, and thick lines of eyeliner smeared across their waterlines. Some are positioned against trees, others texting and some are smoking things that don’t smell like cigarettes. Did I accidentally stumble into a My Chemical Romance audition? What are they all doing here?
“What the hell..” I mutter under my breath as I sidestep to avoid a particularly goth couple gagging on one another’s tongues in the middle of my path. My long list of questions is quickly answered as I approach the park.
A makeshift stage has been assembled in the middle of the green grass, roaming stage lights help to illuminate the thickening sea of black clothes and nose rings that swarm in front of it. I put two and two together as I spot a pair of women dressed in skimpy devil costumes, tonight was Halloween and therefore the night of Soul and Starr’s concert. To my dismay, it seems that Starr wasn’t lying when she bragged about drawing a crowd, a pang of jealousy courses through me as I silently curse her success.
A group of five takes the stage and announces their band name over the blaring speakers, sending the crowd into an animated wave of cheers. Obnoxiously loud metal music follows as the openers begin their shitty set, the frenzy of the crowd only intensifying when they do. The motion of bodies jumping up and down temporarily prohibits my ability to navigate through the crowd that I have somehow found myself in the middle of. I do my best to persist, passing out excuse me’s in abundance as I shove through.
“Courtney!” A familiar voice cuts through the bustle of the music and the crowd. I turn around and instantly regret it when I see a handsome, pale face staring back at me from a few feet away.
I had done a great job at remaining low-key and avoiding Finn all day but in this crowd of black my light tan sweater stood out severely, making me all too easy to spot. At the sight of him, I feel the tears begin to summon themselves back to the surface, I turn away quickly and double my efforts to escape. I can’t talk to him, I just can’t. I repeat to myself as I shove past person after person, ignoring Finn as he continues to desperately call my name, somehow managing to keep pace with me.
I want to completely forget he exists, I want to pretend that Finn Abernathy was never real, just an amazing dream, and therefore his betrayal wouldn’t been real either. But if I speak to him now it will only prove that he is real and he did hurt me and that will solidify the painful inferno blazing inside of me. Making it hard, immovable, and permanent like lava that has cooled over.
Just as I escape the sweaty crowd and the frigid air dances up my middle, signaling my freedom, a hand wraps around my bicep. Before I know it I’m being whipped around, forced to face Finn’s blue eyes that are much icier than the night’s breeze.
“Courtney, please.” He begs, holding me to him. The desperation in his voice forces me to swallow all the colorful words that just died on my tongue. Before I can think of more to spew at him, he speaks again, this time much more gently.
“I messed up, baby. Very badly. I sent those emails, I plotted to get you here and I was dishonest. I wasn’t fully truthful with you but I never meant to hurt you.” He rambles as he attempts to find the right words. I stand there, stone-faced but listening. I’m not entirely sure why I do, maybe I want an explanation? Maybe I’m a masochist? Maybe I truly want to believe him when he says he never meant to hurt me…
Just as he seems decided on what he wants to convey to me in these stolen moments Starr and Soul come onto the stage and the crowd screams in adoration. The noise drowning out Finn’s attempt to explain himself.
“HELLO, HAVENWOOD. LET’S PARTY!” Starr calls out, throwing up a rock-on hand signal, an action quickly mimicked by the overly hyper crowd. The two waste no time in beginning their concert, loud flurries of electric guitar bombard the speakers once again.
Finn keeps his attention on me, ignoring the loud music and enamored crowd behind him as he raises his voice to be heard over it all.
“When I emailed Agnes’ rental house to Courtney Berrycloth I was hoping to lure a lonely, old woman to Havenwood and convince her to help me save my hometown and what I thought was my only connection to my parents. But instead, you came and lured me in, not only with your beauty and attitude but with your ambition and heart. I never, in a million years, could have expected you to be you. And I never expected to fall in love with you as hard and as fast as I did.”
My breath catches in my throat. Hot tears now streaming down my cheeks as I stare into Finn’s teary eyes, trying to keep my expression unreadable and failing miserably. Finn confessing his love for me was not something I was prepared to hear tonight and is definitely not something I wanted to hear, considering I was in love with him too.
“And by the time I realized how I felt about you, I had gotten myself too deep to be able to tell you the truth without ruining what we had between us or without hurting you but I still planned to tell you when the time was right because you deserve the truth. You deserve a relationship that isn’t built on lies or deception, you deserve everything, Courtney. I was scared to lose Havenwood because I thought that was my last connection to my parents but I realize the love I have for you connects me to them in a way that doesn’t need a physical location to be real or tangible. Loving you connects me to them, it connects me to you and it connects me to the parts of myself that I don’t want to admit exist. But being with you makes me want to fix those sides, to be a better man for you.”
I feel my heart break for the second time. This time not because of Finn but for him and the pain he so obviously carries from the loss of his parents. He releases his grip on my biceps and slides his hands down my arms, interlacing our fingers. The warmth of his palms against mine feels like solace as I begin to piece together the bigger picture.
“You once said all my sides were good. Now that we both see that that’s not true, can you accept me and those sides that are learning to be better?”
“I-.” The crowd goes wild over some particularly dark lyrics sung by Starr, causing me to look up at her on the stage.
A feeling of deeply seeded anger rises in me at the sight of her, causing me to realize that maybe not all of my sides are as perfect as I had initially thought. If I was feeling such intense jealousy over Finn’s ex-hookup then I clearly need to work on bettering myself as well before even considering taking on a second chance with Finn. And, unfortunately, I know that growth couldn’t happen here in Havenwood. I need space, a neutral environment, to sort out my feelings and try to be better.
I want to voice this revelation to Finn, to tell him that we need time apart to replace what was once good with something great. But I’m too emotional, far too deep in my own thoughts and feelings to communicate anything rationally. I’ve never felt so overstimulated in my life as I do at this moment. I desperately want to reach out and touch the stubble dusting his cheeks or force him to hold me safely in his strong arms but I don’t allow myself to do so. I don’t want my actions to represent an answer that I’m not ready to give yet.
I pull my hands from his and turn from him. I do my best to ignore the look of disappointed agony on his face as I run away. I literally run, my boots kicking up stray gravel from the cobblestone road.
I run all the way back to my car and this time Finn doesn’t chase me. He doesn’t call after me. He lets me go.
Upon reaching the house I immediately unlock my car, hop in, and throw it into drive, not even bothering with my seat belt until Havenwood is long gone from my rearview mirror. I drive away from my friends, from Olive, from my ancestor, and from the man I love. I drive back to Los Angeles where I can think clearly.