Chapter 21
Hawk
I watch Ruby until she enters the building. As soon as the doors slide shut behind her, I start my bike and take off. Time is not on my side, and if I don’t make it to the club in time, I might as well not even show up at all. I can’t fuck this up.
Ever since this girl came into my life, I’ve been fucking up left and right. I was supposed to use her as a pawn in Devereaux’s scheme to get to the Steel Lizards. It was all supposed to happen at the strip club. I somehow started seeing her at the apartment she was renting.
I was attracted to her the second I laid eyes on her, but my feelings escalated with each time we came into contact. Guilt started eating at me with each time I used her. She was a good person who got caught in a terrible situation. I shouldn’t have cared at all, but I couldn’t detach myself.
The criminal life is not for everyone. It requires focus and motivation to succeed. Getting distracted will only get you killed. Which is exactly what is about to happen to me tonight.
As I’m getting closer to the clubhouse, I run different scenarios through my head. None of them have a good outcome. I guess it was bound to happen at some point, not like I’ve never had to deal with members who had to be eliminated. I only have two concerns.
The first one is regarding my mother. I would rest easier in the afterlife knowing that she will be taken care of until she finally joins me there.
The second one concerns Ruby Santiago. I will beg if I have to for them to offer her some protection, even if it is from afar.
I pull into the courtyard at the club, nodding in greeting at the prospects standing guard at the gates. They were all laughing when I pulled in, but now, as we make eye contact, they look a bit more subdued.
Making sure to take any important items off the bike, I walk toward the front door. Silence meets my ears instead of the party I thought I’d run into. I check the time to make sure I’m not late.
“You made it with eighteen minutes to spare.”
Prez is standing at the entrance to the hallway leading to the church room.
The corner of my mouth lifts into a smirk. “I thought you’d like that, Prez.”
He turns on his heels and walks over to the bar area, leaving me no choice but to follow him. I take a seat on one of the bar stools and watch him when he walks around the bar.
Without asking me if I wanted anything, he puts a couple of shot glasses on the flat surface of the bar. Next, he grabs a bottle of the most expensive whiskey we have. He fills the shot glasses to the brim before pushing one of them my way.
He lifts his up and toasts. “To your health, Hawk.”
He brings the shot glass to his lips and throws it back, then slaps it down on the wooden surface. He then looks at me expectantly. I’ve never said no to good whiskey, so me not taking the shot is raising his hackles.
Before he has a chance to comment on it or become irritated with me, I grab the glass and throw back the drink. I wipe at my lips with the sleeve of my T-shirt and place the glass back down.
“Again,” Prez encourages. He refills both glasses, and we both drink them in a synchronized move. A third one follows.
Just when I think he is about to get me drunk, he puts the bottle away.
“You’ve always been like a son to me, Hawk,” he tells me. There is no hint of a smile or kindness in the way that he says it.
“Appreciate it, Prez,” I nod.
“After your father died,” he continues, “I hoped that Mary would give me a chance.”
My eyebrows go up in surprise. I did not see this coming.
“She was always the sweetest fucking woman.”
I’m not sure I like where this is going. I don’t want to hear about my mother’s possible love life, if this is what he wants to share with me.
“But all she cared about was your safety.”
The wind gets knocked out of my lungs.
“Anytime I asked her if she needed me to come over, she’d only ask me if I would make sure you are okay. She stayed loyal to your father until the day she didn’t know who she was anymore.”
I start fidgeting with the shot glass that’s still sitting on the bar in front of me.
“You becoming a member of my club was one of my proudest moments as a president. I hoped you’d come up in rank until, one day, I could pass the torch on to you.”
I clench my jaw hard enough to crack a tooth. He’s never shared any of this with me before. In fact, he never showed any favoritism toward me or any of the other club brothers.
“I always knew I could count on you no matter what,” he continues.
He leans forward and rests his elbows on the bar, looking somewhere into the distance. His eyes look glazed over, like he is playing a film in his head, watching all the what-could’ve-been’s.
“I’ve always trusted you with my life.”
This time, he lifts his eyes to meet mine. Shards of ice pierce my very soul when I see the emotionless way with which he is staring at me.
“Until I found out you broke my trust.”
My mouth goes dry. I want to say so many things to him. I want to explain myself, tell him that not saving Ruby would’ve been like losing a limb, that it was a feeling I could not explain.
Instead, I say nothing. I remain quiet and wait him out. He is going somewhere with this, and there will be hell to pay one way or another.
He walks around the bar and comes to stand in front of me. It takes everything in me not to flinch. But I’ll be damned if I showed him an ounce of fear. Do I want to die tonight? No. But I will not fight it either.
“Time to go to church, Hawk.”
He pats me on the back twice before turning around without waiting to see if I follow him or not. The gun at my back reminds me that I could easily leave here tonight. If I took him out, he wouldn’t have to act as judge as executioner of my demise. But then, I wouldn’t be the man he taught me to be.
Pushing the shot glass away from me, I watch as it slides off the wooden bar and falls to the ground. It breaks into a million little pieces. That’s how I imagine my life ending tonight.
I stand up and follow my president to our church room. When I enter it, he is already at the head of the table. All the other brothers who are high enough in ranks to be here are sitting around it. Winger is the only one who meets my eyes, and I hate the pain I see in them. As expected, this will not end well.
When I notice that my usual seat is open, I walk over and sit down. I place my arms on the table and wait. Prez hits the gavel against the table, the sound a lot louder than normal.
“Church is in session.”
He looks around the table, making sure to make eye contact with every single member, myself included.
“As you all know,” he starts, “we were contacted by a very well-connected businessman to assist with eliminating the Steel Lizards MC.”
“Businessman.” Winger coughs into his fist before snorting in laughter.
“Time and place, Winger,” Prez gives him a warning look.
“Yes, sir.”
“Hawk was heavily involved in the mission,” Prez informs everyone at the table. “And it was a success. There was a lot of money involved, and it hit our coffers just as expected. Everyone’s pay day should be a lot higher than the norm.”
“Fuck yeah,” echoes all around us. “That’s what I’m talking about.”
Prez waits until the room is quiet again.
“Bringing Bricks down was not easy, but he did it. The Lizards’ clubhouse is scheduled to be blown up a week from tomorrow. All significant members are to be inside, that includes Bricks and Snake.”
He pauses and looks around with intensity, making sure everyone is paying attention.
“Hawk followed all directions to a T.”
I raise my eyebrows in surprise. That is not what he said to me only minutes ago before we entered the church room.
“For that, I would like to propose for Hawk to receive an additional twenty-five percent from the big pie. It is now up for vote. Any nays?”
He looks around the table again and waits. No one says a word.
“All in favor, say aye.”
“Aye,” echoes all around the room.
I am having a hard time processing what’s happening right now. I came prepared for battle. Instead, I am getting everything I asked for. Something is off though, I can tell.
“I would also like to propose for the club to take over all the payments for the care facility where Hawk’s mother, Mary Paulson, resides. Permanently. Any nays?”
Once again, they all remain quiet.
“All in favor, say aye.”
“Aye!” They are loud enough to shake the building.
I have no idea what to say to anything that’s happening right now. The club taking over the payments for my mother’s care doesn’t make any sense. Besides, with all the extra money I am apparently getting, I shouldn’t have any issues paying for all that, and then some.
“And now, to the issue at hand,” Prez declares.
He leans forward and rests his forearms on the table, his hands clasped together. I can’t tell if he is trying to hold back fury, resentment or disappointment. But when he looks at me, all three of them hit me like a freight train.
“Hawk has gone against the club’s orders… My orders, to be exact. When it was time to eliminate the mole we used to take false information to the Lizards, he decided to save her.”
My head is all fucked up right now. All I see is her running in the night, with no shoes on, a flimsy as fuck tank top and a pair of sweatpants. She is breathing heavily, crying, trying to get away from the men who want to do unspeakable things to her before selling her to the sex trafficking ring.
Saving her was stupid. But allowing for any harm to come to her would’ve haunted me for the rest of my days. The connection I found with her was something I’d never felt before. I didn’t want to let her go. I had absolutely no plan when I brought her here, but at least she was alive.
I realize with a start that I will never find out where she went or if she even made it out alive. I want to believe that she will have a happy and fulfilled life somewhere in another state. I wish I could hear her voice just one more time, tell her that I have feelings for her…
I force myself to stop with that line of thinking. It doesn’t even matter anymore. Besides, feelings are for people who have no common sense. Feelings get you killed in the blink of an eye. She should know that since that’s what got her in trouble when she was in school, and that’s why she followed me here.
I think I love you, she whispered to me.
I will take her sweet voice to the grave with me. I deserve it. I will think of her as she laid next to my mother, calming her down with her mere presence. Prez doesn’t understand what that meant for me, not seeing my mother suffer like that anymore.
My president’s voice snaps me out of my thoughts of Ruby Santiago.
“Bringing her here was a stupid move. One that could cost us all our lives should the information fall into the wrong people’s hands.”
The brothers start whispering amongst themselves. Winger just turns his head to stare at me. I see betrayal written in his eyes. He wants to know why I would not share something like that with him, especially after all we’ve been through together while part of the club.
“Because of that,” Prez continues, “decisions have to be made.”
Everyone falls quiet once again.
“Before I continue…” He looks right at me. “Hawk, is there anything you’d like to say to the club?”
I glance around the table, taking note of all the brothers here with us. Some return my stare with a nod, others look the other way. All in all, I get mixed feelings about the situation.
“Being a part of the Savages motorcycle club has always been a dream of mine,” I start. “I grew up here, and it became my extended family for a while, before it turned into my only family.”
They were a great support to me when my mother fell ill. They all came together as one to tend to my needs while I was looking into options for her. They organized runs to raise money for her care, and they always asked me about her. In a way, she was like the club’s mother, the only one some of them knew.
“The decisions I made while gathering intel to take the Steel Lizards down were not lightly made.”
I stare at my hands for a moment, briefly wondering if I made a mistake. It doesn’t take me long to realize that I am at peace with it.
“The mole was not part of their club,” I try to explain my actions. “And I thought I could protect her if I laid claim on her.”
Prez’s one eyebrow goes up mockingly. “Did you make her your ol’ lady then?”
I know he has me there. Had I given Ruby the coveted title of my ol’ lady, she would’ve had the protection of the club. Then again, I couldn’t have made her my ol’ lady without the club’s prior approval. Either way, I was in a lose-lose situation.
“No,” I respond to him.
“You put your brothers at risk without thinking, Hawk,” he chastises me like I’m a little kid. “You went against my direct orders.”
His voice is like thunder, rolling all around the room. We all understand the implications.
“And because of that,” he continues, “I can’t have you as part of the club. I don’t trust you.”
He glares around the table, resolution clear in his eyes.
“We have two more issues to vote on tonight. Hawk’s elimination from the club.” He brings his eyes to stare at me. “And the manner in which it will happen.”
At this point, I am praying for something easy, like a bullet to the head.