Hawke’s Honor (The Aegis Network: Jacksonville Division #9)

Prologue

PROLOGUE

TEN YEARS AGO…

“ H ave you heard from her?”

Hawke Wilson tossed his cell phone on the bed. He’d read the email his ex-girlfriend had sent him a dozen times. Each time he read the words, he prayed that she was doing exactly what she’d done every single time. She felt he’d completely and utterly turned his back on her. That this would be exactly like every other time, and she’d been seeking attention.

His attention.

But something tickled the back of his brain that, this time, she’d gone and done it.

“No,” Calista Alba, his current girlfriend, said.

His chest tightened. He couldn’t believe after all these years, he was still dealing with this shit. Everyone told him he was nuts for even being friends with Courtney. Hell, he’d broken up with Courtney more than once based on these types of antics. Her high drama and need to be at the center of his world had become too much to handle.

And not just for him.

Everyone around her had grown tired of her constant games, manipulations, and going dark for hours, even days sometimes, making everyone worry she’d gone and hurt herself, when in reality, she only wanted people to suffer as she believed she had.

However, something felt very different this time. So much had changed. It had been five years since they’d graduated from college. He’d continued with his career in the Air Force. He was living his dream, and Courtney was no longer a part of his future.

No matter how hard he tried to clarify that, she couldn’t accept it.

“Why don’t you try texting her?” he asked Calista, who happened to be Courtney’s ex-best friend. They had gone through their own friendship breakup and it hadn’t been pretty. He was partly to blame for that too.

“Trust me, I have.” Calista paced in a circle in her tiny one-bedroom apartment as she gnawed on her nails. Their relationship had been strained over the last two years in part by his constant deployments, which there was nothing he could do about. Calista supported his career and never made it difficult for him to leave. She always kissed him goodbye, whispering in his ear to be careful and to have his buddies’ six. Calista was good about things like that. But while he was gone, Courtney would always do her best to wedge herself into their relationship, trying to put crazy ideas in Calista’s head.

It always came back to Courtney. She had followed him to his first base after he’d graduated from the Air Force Academy. He’d told her not to come. That he needed time and space. He wasn’t sure he could continue being in a relationship with her, not only because of her jealous rampages but because of her constant threats. But she moved anyway. The hardest part had been Calista. She had gone to Delaware State University for her undergraduate degree and was continuing on for her doctorate. When he’d first moved there, he’d been excited to have someone from home to talk to. Someone who understood what he’d been going through.

He'd leaned on Calista.

And then he fell in love with her.

She was the one he wanted to marry and have children with.

Life could sometimes be unfair. He’d never wanted to hurt Courtney, but that’s exactly what he’d done.

And in the worst of ways.

“I’ve called her parents and everyone else I can think of. No one has heard from her since last night.”

“You called her parents?” Hawke’s voice rose an octave higher than usual. “Why worry them until we know more?”

“Are you kidding?” Calista raised her palms toward the ceiling. She’d always been a strong, independent woman. With her upbringing, she’d been forced to grow up too fast. Some people thought her life experiences had hardened her, making her cold and detached.

Hawke knew that wasn’t true. Calista had a heart of gold filled with compassion and empathy for those who suffered, especially those with mental illness. She understood Courtney better than anyone. Calista had told Hawke a hundred times that Courtney was never going to stop until he stopped enabling her and allowing her to keep her unhealthy attachment to him alive.

It had put a distance between them and he resented both Calista and Courtney for it.

Calista had made it very clear to Courtney that while she loved her like a sister and wanted the best for her, she wouldn’t continue to put up with games. Either they were best friends or they weren’t.

Courtney told Calista to break up with him, and then they could go back to the way things were. Hawke had thought that might be a good idea, but then he’d lose the one thing he loved more than life itself. Calista refused to be held emotionally hostage to anyone, even her best friend.

“Besides the fact that Courtney could have been with her parents all this time, they have the right to know.” Calista shook her head. “And I told them about the email.”

Hawke opened his mouth but snapped it shut quickly when Calista shot her hand up a few inches from his face. “Courtney has a mental illness. She needs professional help. I’m a licensed therapist, but I can’t be the one to help her. I’m too close. I’m also part of the problem in her eyes. I’ve begged her to see a counselor. I’ve given her a dozen recommendations. She won’t do it.”

“All we’ve done is hurt her,” he said with a sarcastic tone that matched his fake smile. “She lost both of us.”

Calista narrowed her stare, bringing her big, beautiful aqua eyes into tiny snakelike slits. “I’m so tired of arguing with you whenever she does this. You broke up with her a long time before we ever got together. You put your feelings for me on hold because you wanted to give her time to get over you and I love you for that. It’s not our fault that Courtney is unbalanced.” A couple of quick tears dribbled down Calista’s face. She swiped at them with her fingers. “I tried to help her get over you. Help her move on. I spent hours trying to convince her that it wasn’t the breakup or even you. That it’s anything and everything that sets her off. You didn’t end our friendship. It died when I broke her confidence and went to her parents with my concerns about her mental well-being. Not when we got together.”

Hawke pinched the bridge of his nose. “This is different. It’s worse than when she learned about us. Her hearing that we’re talking about moving in together was a lot.”

“But it’s our lives and it’s not fair that it’s being dictated by her.” Calista let out a long breath. “We both know she would have gone batshit over any girl you went out with. It was just one more thing she could use to keep herself living in the delusions she created. And we don’t know if she’s done anything to herself. Hawke, she pulls this shit all the time whenever something in your life changes, and you fall for it hook, line, and sinker. It’s got to stop.”

Hawke dropped his arms to his sides, trying to keep his heart from racing in panic. He leaned against the counter and rubbed his temples. At one time, Courtney seemed like the most put-together person he’d ever known and way out of his league, even though he’d known her his entire life. It had always shocked him that she agreed to go to the senior ball with him, marking their first official date. That entire summer had been one of the best summers on record. But then he went off to the Air Force Academy and things shifted. Her letters got weird. And he couldn’t come home that first summer and it drove her crazy. She’d become wildly possessive and insanely jealous. He needed to focus on his education and what would become his career.

They broke up.

And got back together.

And that cycle repeated until he was twenty-three years old.

He was twenty-eight and for the last four years, he’d been with Calista. The first year things were great, but they lived their relationship in secret. The second year had been hell. But the next year things had settled down a bit. He believed Courtney had finally moved on, but eight months ago, it had all started again.

“I know that,” he said softly. Initially, he thought it all had to do with Courtney’s parents getting a divorce. He still figured that had been the catalyst. But she’d changed. She wasn’t the same bubbly person he’d fallen hard for.

She’d been his first love, and he knew there would always be a special place in his heart for her, but he didn’t love her.

He loved Calista.

He ran a hand over his face as he sucked in a gulp of air. Guilt tore through his gut. Courtney cried wolf a million times since he’d gone off and fallen in love with Calista. She would show up at the base and wait at the gate. She would bang on Calista’s door, when she knew he’d spent the night, which was most evenings when he was in town. He’d get phone calls, text messages, and emails, all with her threatening to kill herself.

Before he started dating Calista, he did what he thought was right, and he’d go back to her, hoping that he’d be able to show her just how bad they’d become for each other.

Lifting his gaze, he stared at Calista. She’d swooped in and stolen his heart. He knew if he lost her, it would crush him, so he understood a little about how Courtney might have felt.

“I know what you’re thinking,” Calista said as tears ran down her cheeks, taking a small trail of mascara with them.

He nodded.

“I know. We should have been the ones to tell her about us, and it’s frustrating that she learned about us possibly moving in together, but what is done is done.” Calista closed the gap. She rested her hands on his chest. Her long dark hair flowed over her shoulders, and her bright-blue eyes had captivated him for months before he’d even allowed himself to ask her out.

She’d been Courtney’s best friend since grade school, and he was the asshole who ruined their friendship.

“It was going to come out sometime, and we can’t constantly be responsible for Courtney’s well-being. She’s been holding both of us hostage for almost ten years,” Calista said.

Hawke didn’t know exactly when he’d fallen for Calista. It was weird because he’d known her since middle school but hadn’t ever noticed her in that way. One day, after one of Courtney’s many attempts to force Hawke into taking her back, he’d gone to Calista and that was it.

Courtney had often pulled the same kind of stunts with her best friend. If Calista did anything with her other friends and Courtney was omitted, Courtney would drum up some drama, making Calista feel bad, forcing her to cancel her plans. But she stopped doing that at the end of high school. She even went to a different college, changing their lifelong plan of being roommates. Calista told Hawke he should do the same. Something about a little tough love might be enough to give her the wake-up call she needed.

“The last time we ignored her, she attempted to kill herself.” Hawke took Calista’s hands, kissed her palms, and then pushed her away. He knew deep down he had no reason to feel guilty. He and Courtney had been done for a year before anything had happened with Calista, but the second Courtney found out, she went nuts by taking a sledgehammer to his pickup and then writing cheater all over it in spray paint.

That had been fun to drive onto the base.

She also slit Calista’s tires and spray-painted her car with slut, whore, bitch .

“No, she didn’t,” Calista said. “If she’d been taken to the hospital, as she claimed, they would have held her in the psych ward. It’s standard procedure.” She cocked a brow. “I do this shit for a living. And she was out of the hospital in less than three hours. She didn’t try. She only said that to make you feel better.”

“I hate it when you sound like a fucking therapist.” Hawke knew Calista was right. On all counts, but he couldn’t shake the guilt.

Or the bad feeling in the pit of his gut.

Calista laughed. “Don’t be a dick and toss my career in my face. I don’t do that to you.” She reached across the counter and snagged her clutch purse. “I need to run to the store. You’re welcome to stay or leave. Whatever suits your fancy.”

The sound of an old-fashioned telephone rang out, filling the room with tension so thick it was palpable.

Hawke lunged for his cell. “It’s Courtney’s mom.” He swallowed the thick lump of bile that crept into his throat. He quickly tapped to accept the call, hit the speaker button, and coughed. “Hello? Mrs. Baker?”

The sound of sniffling echoed in the kitchen. His heartbeat burst in his head. He gripped the counter for support.

“They found her,” Mrs. Baker said. “She hung herself at the school playground.”

One week later…

Calista leaned against the tree in the cemetery, her eyes dry and itchy from days of crying. The sun beat on her face, making her hairline bead in perspiration, reminding her that she was alive, and her former best friend was not.

The therapist knew this was not her fault, even though Courtney had all but blamed Calista and her relationship with Hawke as one of the many reasons she killed herself, something that Calista would have to live with for the rest of her life.

Only a few people milled about the dreary cemetery as a long line of cars followed the dark limo toward the exit.

Hawke stood before the casket, decked out in his Air Force uniform. He looked so dashing in that damn thing. They hadn’t moved in together yet because he’d been contemplating his next career move. If he stayed in the Air Force, he’d be transferred to a new base, and she’d already decided she’d go with him. If he left, she’d go wherever he went as well. She loved him. He was her person.

But the other reason had been Courtney. As long as they lived in the same city, he didn’t want to throw their relationship in her face, and Calista could honestly accept that.

He stuffed his hands in his pockets, and his head bowed.

She pushed from the tree and headed toward Courtney’s resting place. “Hey, you,” Calista said, slipping her hand under his arm.

His muscles tensed and twitched as if she poked him with a fire stick. “What are you still doing here?” He jerked away.

A sharp pain like a knife stabbing her in the chest caught hold in her gut. “Waiting for you. We haven’t talked in a few days, and I’ve worried about you.” She started feeling stalkerish as she left him one text and voice message after the other. She knew he had to have gotten them; the only question was, why had he shut her out completely?

“I’m fine,” he said. “I was going to call you later. We need to talk.”

“Okay.” She reached for his hand, but once again, he pulled away. She dug her heel into the grass. “What’s going on? Why are you pushing me away? I love you, and I’m hurting too.”

He took one step back and folded his arms over his chest. “I’ve made a decision. I’m following Arthur and the rest of the team. I’m leaving the Air Force. I’ve got six months left on my contract, and I’ll either be deployed or in the field, training.”

“Wait, what? You made all those decisions without even discussing them with me?” She dropped her purse to the ground. Her ankles wobbled in her high heels.

Hawke’s sarcastic laugh made the hair on her neck stand up. His usually relaxed facial expressions turned to stone. The man glaring at her was not the same man she’d fallen in love with.

“I knew all this was possible, but we said we’d sit down and discuss what was best for us. I told you I’d move wherever you went. Air Force or not. But I can’t just do it in a snap of my fingers.”

“I’m not asking you to,” he said.

The knife turned and twisted, ripping her entire soul apart. “But… but… what about all our plans? Our future.”

“Our future died with Courtney.” He pointed to the gravesite.

“Now you’re talking crazy.” The mist falling from the skies rubbed against her eyes like sandpaper.

“Do you want to know what’s really crazy?” He pointed his finger between them, back and forth, shaking his head. “This. Us. And the fact you still think there could be an us after reading Courtney’s suicide note.”

“We didn’t kill her,” she said behind a clenched jaw. “No one here blames us. What Courtney said in that note was meant to hurt us. To continue to hold us hostage in her death. I’ve seen it before.”

“What she wrote was true. And I blame us. Besides, I can’t look at you and not think about her lifeless body hanging in the playground where kids are supposed to run free and laugh without a care in the world.” He pounded his chest. “If you had let me take her call then?—”

“Right. Maybe she would still be alive, but then she’d go and do it another day. As long as you kept running to her side, she would do that to you. Guilting you into taking care of her or taking her back. But you know damn well we couldn’t fix her.” Calista couldn’t believe they were having the same argument. She blinked.

“Remind me not to recommend you to my friends, because isn’t that what you’re supposed to do? Fix people? Not break them?”

Quickly, she took two steps forward and raised her hand, striking his cheek with her palm in a loud smack. Her skin stung, and his face immediately turned bright red. “That was uncalled for.”

“My brother will pick up the things I have at your place,” he continued in a monotone voice. “I found someone to sublease my apartment for the next couple of months. I’ll stay on the base.”

“Just like that. We’re over.” She shook out her hand, unsure if she should slap him again or shake him until he came to his senses.

“Yeah.” He nodded. “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t call or try to reach me for any reason. I need to move on and like you say, I can’t do that if I’ve got one foot in the past and that’s what you are. My past.”

“Wow. You’re fucking unbelievable. All our hopes and dreams buried with your ex-girlfriend? That’s how it’s going to be?”

“Please don’t make this harder than it has to be.”

She covered her mouth, hoping to stifle the guttural sob exploding in her belly. “You can’t be serious,” she managed with a croak.

“Standing here, looking at you, only reminds me that Courtney killed herself, and whether we like it or not, we both played a role in her suicide.”

“Hawke, don’t?—”

“It’s done.” He glanced over his shoulder. “I already turned in the paperwork to leave the Air Force. Take care, Calista.” He turned on his heel and marched off as if she hadn’t meant anything to him at all.

“Hawke. Wait!” she cried, but he didn’t even pause. If anything, he picked up his pace. “How will I get ahold of you?”

“You won’t.” He raised his hand over his head and waved, still not turning. “I’m dead to you.”