Chapter 2
2
H awke tossed his keys on the kitchen counter. He’d rented this house for the last two years, and he loved the neighborhood, in part because it wasn’t close to any of the married men on his team. When he’d first moved to Jacksonville, they all lived within five miles of each other, except Rex.
That man spent the first year on his boat.
But as time passed, and each of his crew fell in love and started a family, they either moved or their wives moved in with them.
It got to be more than Hawke could bear. So, he found a place close to the beach and between the fire station and the Aegis Network. Zach and Noah lived on the other side of the street. A few other firefighters on another team also lived nearby. They were also single, which was nice when he wanted to kick back and have a beer.
But mostly, Hawke didn’t like to socialize much anymore. It wasn’t that he didn’t like the other firemen, he did. However, they weren’t Arthur and the other guys and frankly, he missed them. He missed the old days.
Now all he had was work.
Other than his brother, he had no family left.
His team was his family, but those men had families of their own to take care of and honor. Hawke understood that.
Seeing Calista again only stirred up things he’d rather never experience again. The moment he’d held her by the forearms, staring into her eyes, every emotion he’d ever felt for the woman came barreling down on him like a rocket reentering the earth’s atmosphere. Fiery, bumpy, and out of control.
He snagged a glass of orange juice before heading back to the bedroom. The place had three: one he obviously used for sleeping, one he used for an office, which came in handy for his work with the Aegis Network, and the third was used as a guest room, though only one person had spent the night there.
His brother.
And that had been a month ago when he stopped by unexpectedly after a grueling mission with another letter from Calista. Colt also gave Hawke quite the lecture about avoidance. As if Colt knew anything. The man had no idea what the word commitment meant unless it was attached to a re-signing bonus. Colt loved the military more than he loved women, and he enjoyed the company of many.
Hawke set the glass on the bathroom sink and splashed his face with water. He leaned over and stared at his reflection. Deep wrinkles had started to form around his eyes, but it was the lack of any life behind them that haunted him.
“Open the damn letters.” He went to the office. Opening the closet door, he pulled out the box labeled: CA.
Calista Alba.
He sat down at the small, dark wooden desk that faced the window. He could see Noah and Zach’s house. A few of the single men were sitting in the backyard, drinking a few beers, waiting until they were so tired that their bodies wouldn’t care that it was nine in the morning. They would sleep on and off for the next day, recovering from an overnight shift.
He could get on board with a mind-numbing beer or two, but Calista was right. He at least owed it to her to read the letters. He could do that for her.
But where to start?
He pulled out the first letter and read the return address. She’d still been living in Dover, Delaware, when she sent that one.
He set it aside and decided to start with the last one. Taking the old-fashioned letter opener his mother left him, he carefully tore through the envelope. A picture fell to the desk.
He held the image in his trembling hands, staring into the hauntingly familiar blue eyes of a young boy, maybe nine, holding a fishing pole.
The picture burned his fingertips. He tossed it aside and opened the letter.
Dear Hawke,
I know this isn’t when I normally write. But I’ve got news and I thought you should know. I’m moving again. My marriage fell apart.
He rubbed his stinging eyes. She’d moved on. Had a family. He was sorry it hadn’t worked out for her, but he was glad she’d left him in the past.
That had been the right thing to do.
I don’t know why I got married. Maybe it was because I felt like Wilson needed a father figure.
“What the fuck,” he mumbled, snagging the picture again. She named her fucking kid with his last name. Why?
Only, deep down, Hawke knew why. He just didn’t want to admit it. Not this second, anyway.
But Doug wasn’t much of that. He had two kids of his own he needed to make time for and blending our families didn’t work. Besides, I don’t think I loved him.
Not like I loved you.
You ruined me, in more ways than one. Oh. I don’t blame you anymore. Not for that. I’m a big girl and can take responsibility for the outcome of my own life. But Wilson is an innocent child, and he has so many questions. I keep telling him that his father was an important man. A firefighter and combat medic in the Air Force when I knew him, even though he retired shortly after our relationship ended.
I figured since you never returned a single letter, you didn’t want anyone to know you were a father.
His heart raced so fast he couldn’t feel when one beat started and the other ended.
A father.
He was a father.
He had a son.
He slammed his fist on the desk, sending the stack of envelopes to the ground. They scattered about the floor.
“Fuck.” There had to be at least thirty letters.
And more pictures.
He dropped to the floor. Sitting cross-legged, he arranged the letters by order of postmark.
Two or three letters a year. One around Christmas. One around Halloween.
The third grouping of letters was postmarked on the same date every year.
May 29.
Today was April 8.
With trembling hands, he held the last letter in front of his face.
I don’t know why I keep writing to you. I keep thinking that maybe this thing you followed Arthur to has you jumping from one place to the next. I have no idea. You never told me the name of the organization. We never got that far. It was all what-if talk—nothing concrete until you left me standing there with a broken heart. But you’re not in the military anymore, so I don’t know.
Your son will be ten this May.
Part of me thinks I should stop this altogether. I wonder if I’m hurting our son. Giving him false hope that you will come to him. Love him. I want to hang on to that, but then the realist in me kicks in and maybe now I need to end this. Maybe this will finally be the last letter. Maybe it’s time for me to accept that when you walked away from me, you walked away from Wilson, too.
“Jesus Christ.” He flipped through the envelopes until he found the one postmarked May 29, ten years ago. Without using the metal letter opener, he fumbled with the paper, praying he didn’t destroy any image of his son. He let the letter fall to his lap and held up a picture of Calista, in a hospital bed, with a naked newborn on her chest.
Her dark hair was piled on top of her head. A few curls curved down the side of her face. Her sweet lips pressed against the baby’s forehead. The boy looked to be a good size. His pink skin glowed against Calista. His tiny fingers wrapped around her thumb.
A single tear fell from Hawke’s right eye.
He took the letter from his lap and held it into the sunlight streaming through the window.
Dear Hawke,
I hope you received the last couple of letters. I’ve asked Colt a million times where you went after you left the Air Force, but he won’t tell me shit. He says that’s for you to tell me, but I haven’t heard anything. For all I know, you re-enlisted. But something in the way Colt’s expression changed when I asked that question tells me otherwise. I wish I knew how to reach you so I don’t have to keep going through Colt. And I don’t understand why you haven’t responded. I know the kind of man you are—caring and kind.
Hawke held the picture up in his other hand. He wondered if Calista had gone through childbirth alone or if someone had been by her side. Who helped her raise their son? Knowing Calista, the strong, stubborn, independent woman that she was, she probably did it all by herself.
Until she got married.
His heart squeezed so tight he had to clutch his chest. Another man had been married to Calista and had played a role in his son’s life.
I wish I had known I was pregnant for sure that day at the cemetery. As I wrote in my last letter, I hoped we could take the test together. But I didn’t think that day was the right day to say, hey, Hawke, remember when the condom broke? Well, yeah, I think I’m going to have a baby.
I tried to get in touch with you. I want you to know your son. I don’t care if you don’t want anything to do with me. I can live with that.
But you need your son, and he needs you.
By the way, I named him Wilson Hawke Alba. You are listed as the father on his birth certificate. I know, when you come back, and if we give him your last name, which I’m perfectly fine with, he might be in a pickle as Wilson Hawke Wilson, but we can just call him Hawke, or change his first name.
What was I thinking?
I’m going to call him Hawke.
“But you called him Wilson in this last letter.” Hawke scratched the side of his face. Not a day went by that he didn’t remember that slap. It had left a red mark for two days. But he had deserved more.
And his son deserved better.
You should know that this little fella wasn’t so little, weighing in at nine pounds eight ounces and twenty-two inches long. Thank God it was a quick delivery. I almost gave birth in the elevator on the way in. He came so fast it was frightening, but I had a friend from work with me.
I would have rather had you.
Below is my address and cell number. Looking forward to introducing you to your son.
Love, Calista.
He tore through the rest of the envelopes, ignoring the letters and focusing on each and every detail of his son. Every year, he changed so much.
She had sent him pictures of him walking, sitting on the potty with a book, and playing in the sandbox.
He gasped, holding a group of images of his son playing in his first soccer game. Another one of him holding a golf club.
But his favorite had to be of him on the ski slopes. His son’s piercing blue eyes danced with mischief in the sun. It looked as if they had lived up north for a bit.
He found two letters with postmarks from Vermont and unfolded the one from Christmastime.
Dear Hawke,
I promised myself I’d never keep your son from you, but it seems you don’t want him. Maybe I’m sending these to hurt you. Or maybe to hurt myself for thinking you’d actually want to be a father.
My mistake.
I got married a couple of months ago when my boyfriend took a job in Vermont. God, I hate it here. Too much snow and cold. You’d think I’d be used to it, considering where we grew up and where I went to college, but Doug, my husband, is from here, so it’s nice to have a family. And Wilson has stepsiblings to play with. It’s a good life for him.
He has so many questions about you, but I’m at the point where I think I need to either tell him you’re dead or crush his little heart and tell him the truth.
You don’t want him.
Hawke jumped to his feet and kicked the chair. “Of course I want him. I just didn’t know he fucking existed.” If he was being honest, he wanted her too.
But that wasn’t something he’d contemplate. Not now. Not ever. He’d let her go for a reason. A good one. And there was no going back.
Ding-dong.
He jumped.
Racing toward the front door, clutching the picture of Wilson on the ski slopes in his hand, he hoped—no—he prayed the person standing on the other side would be Calista.
And Wilson.
He pulled back the door and groaned. “Hey, Duncan. What are you doing here?”
Duncan held up a six-pack. “Chastity heard you knew the therapist on the ledge and told me I had to come over. I told her I knew her too and that you needed some space, but she wasn’t hearing any of it. She kicked me right in the ass and told me to text as soon as I got here.”
“I thought she was working with Kaelie today.” Hawke shoved the picture in his back pocket with a shaky hand. His mind was still reeling from the news. But he wouldn’t dare push his friend out the door. He had no valid reason, and Duncan had been there when Courtney died. He’d been a great source of comfort to Hawke, and right now, Hawke needed a friend.
Duncan was part of what he called the married crew. Arthur, Rex, Kent, Buddy, Duncan, and Garth. All of them had children except Garth, but his wife was expecting. It was like there was something in the water at the firehouse. They were all pumping out babies faster than a speeding bullet.
“Nope. Her folks are visiting, so she’s taking them and the kids to the zoo. Since she knows a little bit about your history,” Duncan said with a weak smile, “she thought I should head over and see how you were doing.”
“For Mennonites, her parents are very cool.” Hawke decided to leave the last comment alone. He knew his crew meant well, and these calls affected him deeply.
“They are the best. And the kids adore them, which is even better.” Duncan waved the six-pack in the air. “Are you going to let me in or what?”
“I’m surprised Arthur, Rex, and everyone else aren’t with you.” Hawke took the beer and headed toward the kitchen, contemplating whether or not he would indulge. He needed to call Calista, but he hadn’t figured out what to say. He was pissed. Actually, that didn’t even begin to cover his emotions. She’d been in contact with his brother. Colt knew how to reach him. She could have sent him a message saying that it was imperative that she speak with him and he might have taken her call.
Of course, she could have told his brother. Granted, Colt had been instructed to stay the fuck out of it. Hawke had ended it with Calista, and no matter what, he didn’t want to hear anything that could come out of her mouth. No pleading. No begging. Because there was nothing she could say or do that would change his mind.
Knowing his brother, he’d put duct tape around her mouth before he’d break a promise to Hawke and sit and listen to her words.
“Arthur and Rex were pretty torked I stepped out on the ledge, especially considering what happened in the past and my connection to Calista. They thought I was the one being reckless.”
“Wasn’t the brightest thing you ever did, but you got the job done, and no one died.”
Hawke had been keeping a more considerable distance between him, all the married men on the team, and their families lately. He tried to avoid going to their barbeques or other family gatherings, even when Noah, his paramedic partner, or other firefighters who weren’t married went. Being around families always made him uncomfortable. Not just because he didn’t think he wanted one anymore, but it always reminded him of the day he walked away from Calista.
He loved his crew like family, but as each one fell in love and tied the knot, he pulled away, and his brothers-in-arms kept trying to suck him back in. He wanted them in his life. Wanted it to go back to how it was when they were in the Air Force. Bachelors. Free and living the dream.
He’d never felt so alone in his life.
And now he just found out he was a father.
“I’ve done dumber,” Hawke said.
“We all have.” Duncan nodded. “But the real issue is, are you going to talk about this? About Calista’s return? Or are you going to pull further away?”
Hawke twisted off the cap from two longnecks before shoving the rest in the fridge. He handed one to his buddy who sat on the stool at the counter in the kitchen. Both men sipped their beers in deafening silence.
Duncan was a patient man—maybe a little too patient. Hawke always assumed it stemmed from his religious background, and perhaps it did, but Duncan also had a calmness about him that served him well when he ran into burning buildings or was on a mission. He also had an uncanny ability to put people at ease no matter the situation.
“Is everyone on the team talking about the fact that Calista is in town and what happened to Courtney?”
“It’s not like that, man,” Duncan said. “We’ve been down this road with you before. We all know how you get, but lately, you’ve been more withdrawn than usual. It’s worsened since Garth got married and announced he and Amber were having a baby.”
“I’m happy for Garth. For everyone.”
“Never said you weren’t. But I can’t imagine what it’s like for you to see Calista again. None of us know the whole story. And maybe we don’t need to know, but your reaction to her was a little over the top.” Duncan raised his hand. “We all understand that at one time you cared a great deal for her, but your words were not only unkind but unprofessional in that setting.”
“I know, and I’ve apologized, but the details surrounding what happened in the past aren’t overly complicated and you do know most of it,” Hawke said. “When I met you guys, you all had been working together for a while. I came on the team last after graduating from the Academy and doing fire school. My on-and-off relationship with Courtney had ended, so you guys didn’t see most of that. We’d been broken up for a while, but she wouldn’t let go. She followed me to Dover, which was where Calista lived. Courtney said it was for a job, but it was a lie. Then she said it was to be near Calista, but that wasn’t true either. It was for me. She would call me in the middle of the night, telling me she had nothing to live for. I’d race over to take care of her. Most of the time it was idle threats, but I always knew she was capable of taking her own life.” Hawke raised his beer to his lips. The bubbles fought their way down his throat, hitting his stomach like a cement rock. “Calista was her best friend.”
“So far, you haven’t told me anything I don’t know,” Duncan said.
Hawke nodded, but he needed to tell the story. He needed to hear and feel the words roll off his tongue. It wasn’t to make sense of it, because no one could do that. But perhaps to clear his mind of everything so he could face Calista.
And his young son.
“Calista and I kept it secret, which was stupid. But I thought it was better if Courtney didn’t find out. I don’t know what I was thinking. I was twenty-eight. A grown man. I should have known better. At the time, I thought Courtney would eventually ease up. But she never did, and one day she showed up at Calista’s place and found us in bed. That was the beginning of the end. Things just escalated.”
“That part, we didn’t know. Why didn’t you tell us what happened and how the hell did she get in?”
“She had a key.” Hawke pushed his beer aside. If he drank another drop, he’d puke his guts out. “Courtney had made one without Calista’s knowledge and I didn’t say anything because we were being deployed two days later on Operation Firebrand. I had to focus on work. When I returned, Courtney started in on her antics. I guess part of me was embarrassed and I didn’t want to burden anyone.”
“We’re family. This is what we’re here for. It’s no different than all the shit you’ve been around for all of us. But what Courtney did was criminal.”
“Courtney did a lot of crazy things. I did care about her, so I always raced to her side whenever she said she might cause herself harm.”
“I’m sorry, man,” Duncan said. “It’s not your fault.”
“But she blamed me in her suicide note.” Hawke ran a hand over his face. He still had that damn note, and he constantly pulled it out and read it as if to torture himself. But as he lay in his bunk at the fire station half the night, he thought about the airman and who he might blame for why he wanted to die.
The Air Force?
War?
The woman who cheated on him?
Calista?
There was so much pain in that man’s eyes and all he wanted to do was find a way to end it. Taking his own life wasn’t the answer. Sure, it would end it, but not for those he loved.
“You never told me she left a note, much less blamed you. And dude, that doesn’t make it your fault. Or Calista’s.”
“Hang on a sec.” Hawke slipped from the kitchen and back into the office, where he gathered all the pictures and letters from Calista and stuffed them back into the box. Opening the desk drawer, he flipped open a little container and pulled out his copy of the note. He tucked the box under his arm and marched back to the kitchen. Never in a million years did he think he’d talk to a single soul about this stuff.
Especially not to one of the married crew.
Hell, he hadn’t even spoken to his brother about it much over the years. It was just too damn painful.
But knowing he had a son, well that changed everything.
He set the box on the counter and unfolded the note. “Just listen, and then you tell me if you wouldn’t blame yourself after reading it.”
“To whom it may concern.
Because it concerns no one.
No one cares. If they cared, they would have picked up the phone. But Hawke didn’t. He ignored me for her, and she did the same. They only care about each other. I’m not even an afterthought anymore.
All I wanted to ask was why? Why didn’t they tell me? Maybe if I had known they were a couple and wanted to move in together, I might have started to let go of Hawke. I held on so tight because I loved him. And at one point, he loved me.
But that changed.
Just like with my parents.
They couldn’t be bothered with me either.
I’m tired. And I’m done. There is nothing and no one left for me.
Loving someone hurts too much, and I can’t make it stop while I’m alive. Hawke once told me that love is all we have to look forward to. I looked forward to so much with him—the life we planned together—but he destroyed it. He destroyed me. All he had to do was be honest, but instead, he lied to my face.
Why? He always demanded the truth from me, but I guess that doesn’t work both ways.
I believed in him. In love. Until he broke my heart into a million pieces. I can’t put it back together so I’m going to put it out of its misery.
To whom it may concern.
Or not.
Goodbye.”
“I get it. That would tear me apart. But those are the words of a woman in pain and she wanted someone else to feel that too. She needed therapy,” Duncan said. “We’ve seen it many times on the job, but she made that choice, not you.”
“I know she needed counseling. But Courtney hung herself within a half hour of when she called me and I didn’t answer. All I needed to do was pick up that damn phone.”
“You can’t be expected to take every call. Not from an ex-girlfriend. Especially not one who made your life miserable, and come on, man, that’s exactly what Courtney did. She followed you to the point it would be considered stalking by any legal standing.” Duncan had a valid point, one Hawke knew was true. He couldn’t deny that any longer.
Reading that note out loud and yesterday’s events put more than one thing in perspective.
“Seeing that jumper yesterday. Watching him shoot himself the second Calista undid the belt that held them together made me realize no matter what I had done differently with Courtney, without proper help, she probably would have done the same thing. If not that time, another time. I know that. She used me in her life as her reason to be miserable. If not me, it would have been someone else. She did that in her death. She could have focused her energy on Calista. She betrayed Courtney too. But instead, she chose me. I do get that. I can intellectually see that it’s not my fault even if my heart wants to believe otherwise.”
“I’m honestly glad to hear you say that. Arthur and Rex were pretty worried about you, and I hope you don’t mind me saying you have kept us at arm’s length these last few years, and it’s annoying as fuck. We used to be so close. We’re a team. Family. That’s why Arthur wouldn’t let you go when you put in for a transfer. You belong here. With us.”
“I’ve struggled with that for a while now. It’s not any of you. It’s me, and today, I learned something that has me even more screwed up in the head than before.” He pulled the picture out of his pocket and glanced at it. His son’s smile was spread wide across his face. “This was taken a few years ago, but right before you rang that bell, I discovered I’m a father.”
Duncan dropped his beer on the floor. His mouth hung wide open as the bottle smashed against the tile. He took the image in his hands. “Christ. He looks just like you.”
“It’s like looking into a mirror at the past. And there’s more.” Hawke carefully cleaned up the mess while Duncan sorted through all the pictures. Hawke was used to long silences between him and the team. Everyone, even when kept at an emotional distance, had that same need for quiet retrospection.
“She kept him from you,” Duncan said as more of a statement than a question.
“No. She wrote me all these letters, but I didn’t open them until I got home from work.” Hawke dumped the broken glass in the trash and cleaned the floor with a wet rag.
“That makes you about the biggest asshole I’ve ever met.” Duncan shook his head.
Leave it to one of his brothers-in-arms to call the kettle black.
“It’s not like I planned on being a prick. The question is, what do I do now? She’s just off a divorce, and I have no idea if that man is still in my son’s life. Or what he knows or thinks of me. I sure as shit don’t want to upset the boy or disrupt his home life. But I want to know him. I want to take him fishing. What else does enjoy besides that and skiing? Does he like to read? Is he into video games? Sports? I don’t know one fucking thing about this kid except he looks exactly like me at that age.”
“Hawke. Slow down and take a breath. One thing at a time, and you should start with calling the boy’s mother and having a conversation.” Duncan grabbed a fresh beer and raised it. “Unless you’ve already done that?”
“Nope.” Hawke hadn’t ever felt he needed anyone to hold his hand. Whatever happened in his life, he handled it alone. He’d spent the last ten years numb. He ran into burning buildings without a second thought. He did his best to save people’s lives. He jumped from one assignment to the next with the Aegis Network, not out of a need to keep busy but out of fear of making connections. He’d left the one person he’d loved with all his soul behind, and with her, he left his heart. “I hate to ask this, but would you mind taking a drive with me? I found out she lives just a couple of neighborhoods north of here.”
Duncan stood and eased around the side of the island, slapping his hand against Hawke’s back. “It’s about time you leaned on your family.”
“Interesting choice of words.”
Duncan smiled. “I love my wife and kids. They are everything to me. But this team that I call my brothers, they are a different kind of family. We understand each other in ways that our families don’t—well, everyone else’s wife but mine, since she’s one of us.”
“That is the weirdest thing you’ve ever said.”
“But you get where I’m going with it. We are here for each other no matter what. So if you need me to have your back, I’ll do it as long as it’s not while you’re taking a piss.”
For the first time in many years, Hawke felt like he belonged again. It wasn’t about fitting in, but about opening up his heart and soul and allowing someone to care about him.
That maybe, he actually deserved it.