Chapter Thirteen
Hawk had gotten the call from Darlene not long after Nikki had left for the day. It was a cryptic text.
Darlene: Nikki knows about you and Trixie. She took off. Quit. Don’t know where she is.
He didn’t need to lose time filling in the blanks. Fuck. He should have known that bullshit move was going to be the end of him. He’d told Trixie to keep her mouth shut, but of course, everyone from the club had seen him carrying her to his bedroom.
It was an utter lie. Yes, he’d been at the club party. He’d known the men at the club were getting a little nervous as he hadn’t tasted any of the fresh meat walking around. It was always a risk keeping his woman a secret. He wanted to enjoy Nikki, and the truth was, he expected to have gotten bored by now.
He wasn’t a man known for enjoying just one piece of pussy. He was a man who loved to enjoy the sea of women, never committing to one. All the women who were with him knew the score. They knew there was not a chance of being with him. Not one. He was a variety man.
Until Nikki.
Fucking Nikki.
She had stepped into his private library, and since then, he’d not been able to get her out of his mind, and it was driving him fucking crazy. He wanted her so badly, all the time. It didn’t matter that he’d taken her virginity, experienced her mouth, and claimed her asshole. It didn’t detract from the fact that he wanted her. All the time. He never felt like this. Not ever.
The only other time he remembered a man being like this was his dad, and that was with his mother. His dad and mom, however, were two peas in a pod. They couldn’t keep their hands off each other.
And so, to stop his boys worrying about the pussy situation in the club, he’d taken Trixie, thrown her over his shoulder, smacked her ass for good measure for the whole club to see, and carried her to his bedroom. There, he’d dumped her on the bed, then told her to get the fuck off it. Trixie had been confused at the time and sunk to the floor as if she was about to suck him off, but he’d stopped her. He truly wasn’t hard. He had no desire to fuck Trixie. He had no desire for her to even try and get him hard. No desire at all. There was no interest. Trixie was not Nikki.
“Here’s a thousand bucks,”
he said. “Make noises as if you’re getting the best fuck in your life, and for a few days, walk like you’ve been taken hard, and I’ll give you another thousand and pay for your spa day. Got it?”
Trixie had looked at him a little surprised. “I don’t mind if you want—”
“I don’t.”
There was only one woman he wanted. And the night was already wearing on, and he wanted to get to Nikki.
He’d been tempted to allow her to leave after five minutes, but the guys would know. They knew he was not a quick fuck and done. He liked to have a woman screaming in pleasure. He grabbed his book and sat on his bed while Trixie put on a show of a lifetime, and he drowned it all out. She screamed and moved around the room as if she was being taken from corner to corner. There were moments she begged him to not stop, and then whimpered as if he was giving her too much. Trixie was a great little actress, and by three in the morning, she was exhausted. She laid on the floor and asked him if everything was okay. It was the first time a woman at the club had asked him if he was okay. Most assumed something was wrong with him.
Much to his surprise, he told Trixie he had somewhere else to be. He left the club at four and finally arrived at the hotel room at five.
While Trixie had fallen asleep in his room and he’d taken a shower, he allowed her to sleep naked in his bed to give that illusion. He left without even touching her.
But he never thought it was going to be newsworthy enough to get to Nikki’s ears. It had all been a show, an elaborate plan to keep the club off his back and keep Nikki quiet a little longer. He should have known it was going to backfire. Everything else fucking had, why wouldn’t this?
He’d tried to fuck Nikki right out of his system. Each night it only served to fire his need more for her. He wanted her. Hungered for her on a level he didn’t understand. No woman had ever made him feel this way. He was possessed. He had to be.
Something wasn’t right, and now Nikki was gone. He went to her trailer. There was no sign of her car, and he even let himself in. Without Nikki realizing it, he had gotten a second set of keys made so that if he ever needed to, he could let himself right in.
The trailer was empty. No sign of her stopping by. This was not what he wanted to deal with today.
After the trailer, he went to the motel, but he doubted she’d stop there. He went to the parking lot near the salon, and then he realized that even though he’d been with her for several months now, he’d not taken her anywhere. All the times he’d seen her, it had either been at her trailer or the motel.
He didn’t know where she would go, so he ended up at the salon where Darlene and Trixie still were. The other women had left for the day.
He stepped inside and saw the worry on Darlene’s face, and Trixie went completely white.
“I didn’t say anything, I swear.”
“It was Lindsey,”
Darlene said. “She was determined to … talk about it.”
“Where is she?”
Hawk asked.
“I don’t know. She won’t answer her cell phone, and I have no other way of contacting her.”
Hawk grabbed one of the chairs and tossed it across the room. It hit the opposite wall, smashing the mirror that was there. Trixie screamed and Darlene, with tears in her eyes, screamed at him.
“Are you fucking insane?”
She moved in front of him, and he glared at her. “I get it. You’re angry, but what do you think was going to happen? Do you think Nikki was not going to find out? She’s not a club woman. She doesn’t know the way this works. She doesn’t know that the men fuck the women and unless they’re an old lady, sharing is pretty much the deal. You did this, Hawk.”
Trixie whimpered.
“Tell her,”
Hawk said, staring into Darlene’s eyes, and he didn’t break contact once.
“Hawk and I never had sex,”
Trixie said.
Darlene frowned and looked toward Trixie. “What?”
“He paid me to pretend we did. I’ve never had sex with him.”
She shrugged.
“Now, do you have any idea where Nikki would go?” he asked.
Darlene sighed. “No, I don’t have a clue. I figured you of all people should know. I don’t.”
He stepped away from Darlene and looked at the mess he just caused. “I’ll pay for the repairs.”
“I figured.”
There was silence while Hawk tried to think. There was only one place she might be, but he had his doubts.
“She ever mention her mom to you?”
Hawk asked.
“Only to tell me what she used to say and some of the stuff she used to do. That woman was not a good mother. Do you think she would have gone back there? For real?”
“It’s my only shot right now.”
He moved his way to the door.
“What are you going to tell her?”
Darlene asked.
“The truth.”
“And still hope to keep her a secret?”
He turned back to Darlene. “Be careful. You may have this, but I can take it all away.”
Darlene nodded. “Sure, I was just helping you, but I guess I overstepped. I’m not your friend.”
He knew he was going to have to fix this with Darlene, but for now he had something more important to fix.
Leaving the shop, he made his way toward his bike and pulled out his cell phone where a copy of the file he had drawn up on Nikki was. He had another in paper back at his office, which he printed out.
He’d not paid any attention to her mother, as she didn’t live with her.
Finding the address, he got it and knew he had to deal with this. Nikki deserved to know the truth.
Revving his bike, he brought his baby to life, and in that moment he couldn’t help but think about the way Nikki held onto him as she loved riding his bike with him. It had been a dream to ride with her, and soon he was going to do again.
Hawk was not used to this lack of control.
****
“Do you feel better, honey?”
her mother asked.
Nikki stepped into the doorway of the kitchen. Her mother, Ethel, was at the kitchen counter with an odd smile on her face, stirring a spoon in a mug. It was so odd to think of her as Ethel. She didn’t think of her mother’s name. In her mind, it was just Mother, or “that woman.”
She hated being called Mom, or at least she used to.
“Yeah, I’m feeling better.”
The moment she stepped inside, she’d been shocked. The house was clean, like spotlessly clean. There was no mold, no damp patches, no urine up the walls from the men. No men at all. The walls were painted a lovely white. There were a few pieces of artwork on the walls. She didn’t recognize any of them, but they made the house feel more like a home. It was lovely.
“You’re sure?”
Ethel asked.
Before she talked with her mom, she’d offered to let her shower and had even shown her the old bedroom. Her mother was just full of surprises today.
Her bedroom was completely tidy. Not a speck of dust in sight, but it also had a lick of paint and looked exactly like it did when she was still here. Only, brighter from the paint job. It also smelled a lot better, as the whole house didn’t have that underlying sense of decay. The house had looked completely different.
“Yeah.”
She stepped into the kitchen, and again, it was like something she had never seen before.
Ethel chuckled. “I can see you’re shocked.”
“I have no idea what is happening right now.”
“I’ve made tea. Come, let’s sit down, and don’t worry, this sofa has not seen a man on it at all.”
She followed her mother into the sitting room. The sofa was a lovely mint green, and as she sat down, Nikki gasped, as there was suddenly a dog, a little Chihuahua, at her feet.
“Crap,”
Nikki said, jerking back.
“Don’t mind him,”
Ethel said. “Come on, Sean, come here.”
“You have a dog?”
The little Chihuahua went straight to her mother. Ethel picked up him, placing him on her lap, and he curled up in a ball and started to sleep.
“Yes. When you arrived he was out in the yard. It’s dog-proof so I don’t have to worry about him escaping, not that I ever have to worry about that, do I, little guy?”
Ethel leaned down and gave him a kiss on the head. “When I take him for walks, even when I take him off the leash, he just sits at my feet. He doesn’t want to go anywhere.”
“Okay, Mom, I didn’t want to have to say it, but wow?”
Nikki asked.
“Yeah, a lot has changed.”
“You’re like a different person.”
“Well, dying can do that for you.”
“What? Dying? What are you talking about?”
She looked at her mother in shock.
Ethel sighed. “I guess I better fill in the blanks. I just want to say before I begin, I was a terrible mother. I know this. I recognize this, and for that, I am so sorry.”
“Mom, don’t.”
“And don’t even try to tell me I wasn’t, we both know I sucked big time, and I accept it.”
Ethel sighed. “It’s not a proud moment of mine. It’s not even a good moment.”
She looked like she wanted to cry, and Nikki was just about to reach out to her, to offer her some comfort, when she seemed to square her shoulders. “Do you remember the last time I came to see you, asking for money, and you had gotten robbed? I was horrible to you because you didn’t have any money for me.”
“Yeah, I remember.”
“Well, I found a way of getting some money, and I’m not going into how I got it. Anyway, I was hooked on drugs, the hard stuff, and I needed my fix. The moment I got it, and injected it into myself, I knew something was wrong. It didn’t feel right, and the next moment I woke up at the hospital.”
“Mom, how come I wasn’t alerted?”
“I had you removed as my next of kin. They had no way of knowing I had a daughter, let alone any relatives. It was good. I don’t know how I managed, but I ended up collapsing on church grounds. The priest, Father Richard, brought me to the hospital. Saved my life. I was dead for a few seconds, but they were able to revive me.”
Ethel took a sip of her tea. “During that time, I was able to get clean. Being in the hospital, they had a program and the church was also willing to help pay to get me clean. To have a clean break. Father Richard came to me, and told me I had the opportunity for a second chance.”
Ethel took a deep breath.
“At first, I told him no. I told him I didn’t deserve a chance. Not a second or third. I confessed to him. I told him I was a terrible mother, how I treated my daughter, what I expected her to do to earn money. That you left, and I hated you for it. The men. All the men, and the wives, and my reputation. I told him I didn’t deserve a second chance and he looked at me and said that by confessing everything, it showed I wanted forgiveness. I didn’t deserve it. Then he reasoned with me, did I even want a chance to tell my daughter I was sorry. Did I want the chance at a new life, or should he just pull the plug.”
Ethel smiled. “It probably wasn’t very kosher, but he offered to turn on the drugs, and to let them fill me up, and he wouldn’t alert the hospital staff. I might also want to say that he took off his, uh, priest thing. You know the band around his neck. In that moment, he said he was just a man, not acting on behalf of the church.”
“Wow,”
Nikki said.
“Yeah, and it was in that moment when I knew I could die, like truly die, that I wanted to live. I wanted that second chance more than anything. In my head I saw you. I saw the little girl you were and the mother I always wanted to be, and then I saw what I was actually like. The cruel things I said. How I wasn’t there for you. I was a fucking horrible mother.”
Ethel looked away and Nikki didn’t know what to say. There was no point in lying to her, and telling her that it wasn’t true, because it was. Ethel had been a horrible mother. Cruel.
She might not be the worst mother in the world, but she certainly wasn’t the best.
“So, I entered their program. I got clean, and in doing so, I started to see where I went wrong with my life. With the church’s help, I’ve been able to get this place cleaned up. I pay my rent regularly and in the right way. No men come to my door. I’m celibate and will not be in a relationship with anyone. I have Sean. He was part of my recovery and I love him so much.”
“I’m so happy.”
“I work down at the church, I volunteer there four times a week. I also work the morning and night shift at a local diner, just down the street. Father Richard had to get me a chance, and trust me, it has been hard. I don’t flirt. I work hard, and I’ve been trying to come and see you.”
“You have?”
“You’re rarely at your trailer. I’ve been trying to come and see you to build a relationship. Seeing you on my doorstep tonight was a relief.”
Nikki couldn’t help the tears that filled her eyes. “Wow.”
“I’m so glad you are here, honey.”
“I … needed a place to stay.”
“You’re not in any kind of trouble, are you?”
“No, no, I’m not in any kind of trouble. It’s just that this is the last place a guy would think to find me.”
“A guy?”
She knew she couldn’t keep the details to herself, so she told her everything. How she had met Hawk by stumbling into his library at the club. The friendship they formed that soon turned into something a lot more. The secret relationship, followed by finding out he cheated on her. By the time she got to that bit, she was already sobbing. The memory of it hurt too much.
Ethel pulled her into her arms, and Nikki went willingly. This was the first real hug she had gotten from her mother. All the ones she might have gotten when she was younger were blighted by everything else that happened around it, but this was real. This was the two of them.
“I’ve got you, Sweetheart. I know firsthand that men are no good.”
Nikki tried to reel in her sadness. “I should have known. We didn’t promise anything to each other, and I was kept a secret. I was not allowed to go to any of the parties. I had to stay to myself, and he didn’t want me around him or the club. I was a fool.”
“Do you love him?”
Ethel asked.
She lifted up and pulled back some of her hair. “I tried not to.”
“But you fell in love?”
Nikki nodded and she felt like crying even more. “I don’t even know why I fell in love with him. It is so stupid, and I’m an idiot.”
“Stop it. You’re not an idiot. I know men can say and do all the right things. You loved him.”
“I did.”
Nikki felt the tears building again, and she closed her eyes in the hope of fighting them.
“It might be time to let them out,”
Ethel said. “Don’t fight them. This man, whoever he is, he’s the fool, for hurting my baby.”
She felt her mother’s touch as she tucked some of her hair behind her ears.
“Do you know what this needs?”
Ethel asked.
“No?”
“Ice cream. The chocolate fudge kind, and I have a carton.”
“You’re eating ice cream now?”
Nikki asked.
Ethel laughed. “I’ll be right back.”
Her mother put Sean on the sofa, and Nikki reached out tentatively and stroked down the dog’s back. He didn’t growl or bark. He laid there and seemed to love being stroked. She found it so soothing to stroke him.
Ethel returned with a carton of ice cream and two spoons. “I have discovered in the past few months that I love ice cream. I’m always trying different flavors that I can get my hands on. Anything chocolate has my vote. This is delicious. One of the best ice creams around.”
She took the spoon from her mother and took a mouthful. “You’re right, that is good.”
“Don’t even get me started on a cinnamon roll. I mean, wow, that thing is like heaven in a bite. Then you’ve got meatballs and spaghetti. They are so good, and I love having mine stuffed with cubes of mozzarella, it is the best thing in the world.”
Nikki couldn’t believe she was listening to her mother talk about food.
“Food is like … amazing. I’m relearning to cook.”
“Relearning?”
“Yeah, I used to cook all the time, before I had you. My mom, your grandmother, always told me it was going to ruin my figure.”
Ethel laughed. “She would have probably preferred me to ruin my figure than what I ended up doing.”
Nikki looked at her mother and frowned. “Mom, how did you … get that way?”
Ethel sighed. “A man. Your father, ironically.”
Ethel sighed. “My mother always told me that nothing good was ever going to come from falling in love with a married man, and she was right.”
“My dad was a married man?”
“Yeah, he told me he was going to leave his wife. That he was in a miserable relationship and hated it. Promised me time and time again, and then I had you, and those visits got less and less, until one day I went to him, and he told me I was nothing but a whore. I was only good enough for a good time, and no man in his right mind was ever going to settle down with me. He said there are two kinds of women—the kind you marry and the kind you fuck and dump, and I was the kind you fucked and dumped.”
She did a quick cross sign on her chest. “Sorry.”
“You’re asking for forgiveness for cussing?”
Nikki asked.
“A lot has changed. Like I said, I go to church. So, after that confrontation with your dad, I moved here, and the rest is history. I needed to earn money, and people had already known I was seeing a married man. They didn’t know my side of it, just knew what they wanted to believe, and the rest, as they say, is history. I don’t even know what I was trying to prove to him, to myself. It got out of hand, and went so wrong. I never wanted to be a bad mother. Never wanted to say that horrible stuff to you.”
Ethel sighed. “I hope one day you can forgive me. I know that is going to take time and I’m not asking for it now. But one day.”
“Have you been to see my dad?”
“No,”
Ethel said. “I’m finally free of all of it. I’m not going to drag myself down that pit. He said his piece, and I responded appallingly. I could have handled things a lot differently.”
“I’m sorry,”
Nikki said.
“You’ve got nothing to apologize for. I’m the one who should be doing the apologizing.”
She looked at her mother and saw that she had changed. Nikki was truly grateful she had knocked on her mother’s door.
Right at that moment, there was a bang on the door that made both women jump.
“Who on earth could that be?”
Ethel asked, and made her way toward the door.
Nikki got to her feet, as she had a rough idea of who it might be, but she didn’t want to believe it could be him.
Her mother opened the door, and Nikki heard him.
“Is Nikki here?”
Hawk asked.
He didn’t sound happy.
She leaned against the wall as Ethel held the door firmly within her grip. “And you are?”
“I want to know if Nikki is here. Are you Nikki’s mom? Nikki Brown?”
“I’m Ethel Brown, and Nikki is my daughter. I take it you’re Hawk?”
Ethel asked.
“She is here. Nikki!”
He started to shout her name.
“Will you keep it quiet? You will wake my neighbors and it is already late.”
“From what I hear, you never used to have a problem with waking the neighbors. Don’t start giving me your high horse, pedestal talk—”
“Enough,”
Nikki said, stepping behind her mother. She might not have outright forgiven her mother, but she was not going to sit idly back and listen to someone else talk bad about her. Especially not Hawk. She was not going to allow anyone associated with her, to potentially spiral her mother and send her back on that dark path. Ethel didn’t deserve it.
She stared at Hawk, and all the pain of knowing he’d cheated came flooding back to her. How could she have fallen in love with this man?