Chapter 11
Haze:
Devyn read the text for what felt like the hundredth time. Nerves bounced around her body as she paced her living room floor. She kept glancing at Hazel, who sat on the black leather sectional with her favorite blanket and some fruit snacks while she watched Bluey.
Shame had stopped Devyn from talking to her parents, Koren, and Emilia about what was going on today. Words had failed her because she knew she was wrong. She felt like she didn’t deserve support through this momentous occasion.
It had been two days since Haze had walked into her office and found out about their daughter, and she’d spent every second since torturing herself with negative thoughts.
The one that was loudest had surprised her.
Her biggest fear was that Haze would no longer want anything to do with her.
She didn’t know where in their timeline that had started to matter to her, but it had to be within the past several days. She cared so much it hurt.
She glanced at Hazel again and sighed. Devyn grabbed the remote and paused the TV. Hazel frowned before her big brown eyes found Devyn’s.
“Play, Mommy,” Hazel demanded as she pointed at the TV.
“Later, baby. Mommy has to talk to you about something. We’re going to meet your daddy today,” Devyn said with tears brimming her eyes.
Though Hazel was only two, Devyn spoke to her normally and tried to make sure she understood everything that was going on.
Devyn wanted to teach Hazel young that she had a voice and a say in any situation she was in.
Hazel gazed at her for a moment and then nodded once. “Okay. Daddy.”
Devyn smiled sadly. She loved her daughter’s simplistic and pure view of the world. Nothing was complicated, and everything was always okay. She wanted Hazel to keep that innocence about her forever.
“You want to meet your daddy?” Hazel nodded earnestly. Devyn giggled softly before she kissed Hazel’s head. “Okay, sweetie. Let’s get our shoes on so we can go. He wants to take you somewhere fun.”
After she said that, Hazel babbled nonstop about this fun place they were going. Devyn listened with a heavy heart as she got them ready to go.
In the car, Hazel still chatted excitedly, most of it completely incoherent, while Devyn tried to keep it together.
She didn’t know what it would be like to face Haze again after such a big revelation.
The fact that she knew it would be hard to look into his eyes caused her anxiety.
Tears threatened to spill onto her cheeks, but she held them in.
The last thing she wanted was to victimize her tears.
Today wasn’t about her. She owed it to both Hazel and Haze to hold it together and make the day as seamless as possible.
She could cry over her poor life decisions later, in the confines of her room.
When they finally pulled up to Chuck E. Cheese, Devyn had no recollection of driving there. Her mind had been so occupied, and all she could do was thank God that she’d gotten her and her daughter there safely.
“Ready, baby?” Devyn asked after she parked the car and got out to get Hazel out of her car seat.
Hazel nodded as she peered up at the building in front of them while Devyn gathered her diaper bag and purse.
“That, Mommy?” Hazel asked as she pointed a small finger toward the building.
Devyn smiled. She had yet to take Hazel to Chuck E.
Cheese. She felt her daughter was still too small to fully enjoy the place, but she wouldn’t buck back on Haze’s plan.
He had every right to plan this day however he saw fit.
She wouldn’t put up a fight, unless it had to do with her daughter’s well-being.
“Can you say Chuck E. Cheese?” Devyn asked as she walked toward the front entrance.
“Chuheeechee?” Hazel asked as she looked at her mom with bright eyes.
Devyn adjusted Hazel on her hip and nodded. “Close enough, bookie. You’re going to have a lot of fun.”
Hazel beamed, and it made the heavy moment completely worth it.
Devyn would brave any storm for her baby.
She should have been brave enough to tell Haze from the beginning.
That was something she would always struggle with because she genuinely thought she’d been doing the right thing. Now, she wasn’t so sure.
Inside the place, chaos ensued. Devyn cringed slightly from the instant overstimulation.
Kids ran around, adults tried to keep up with them, machines chimed, and trays of pizza and chicken strips were carried to and from.
She felt an instant headache coming on, but she shook away the negativity and tried to spot Haze amongst the chaos.
When her eyes landed on him, her breath caught in her throat. He stood off to the side and leaned up against a wall. His eyes seemed to be surveying the area. Something told her that he’d already seen them walk in, even though he didn’t look at them currently.
She watched him. He always seemed so calm in any situation she’d seen him in, but that didn’t mean she didn’t sense the chaos lurking within him. That energy could be felt from a mile away. Maybe that was what drew her to him in the first place.
Haze’s eyes finally connected with hers, and she froze. The way he looked at her made her want to melt into the floor and disappear. He didn’t even look mad. Just disappointed, which she felt like hurt more than anger would have.
Slowly, he moved through the crowd of people and toward them.
His gaze shifted from Devyn to Hazel. Devyn swore she saw moisture gather in his eyes, which made her heart break.
This man . . . he looked so tender in that moment, like he would walk on water for Hazel.
How could she have deprived her daughter of that kind of love?
How could she have deprived Haze from fatherhood?
Devyn felt so small in that moment, but she stood tall, with her shoulders squared and her head held high with Hazel attached to her hip.
“Hey,” he said when he was close enough. His eyes never left Hazel.
“Hey,” Devyn muttered, her voice catching slightly.
Haze glanced at her, concern shining in his eyes for a moment before he looked back at Hazel. “Can I hold her?”
Devyn tore her eyes away from his handsome face and looked at Hazel. “Baby, this is your daddy. He wants to hold you. Is that okay?”
Hazel peered at Haze thoughtfully before she nodded and gave him a toothy grin. “Daddy.”
Her little arms reached out for him. Haze’s jaw clenched, but he quickly grabbed Hazel from Devyn’s arms and hugged her tightly to him.
Devyn couldn’t help it. The moment was so sweet and emotional that a tear slid out of her eyes. Witnessing Haze fight back tears and the way Hazel clung to her father made her feel like the biggest piece of shit on the planet.
“Are you okay with her for a second?” Devyn asked. She needed a moment to gather herself.
“Yeah,” Haze replied. She didn’t miss the way his eyes followed her every movement in concern, which only made her feel worse.
“I’ll be right back.” She rushed toward the bathrooms, which were thankfully right by the entrance.
Devyn hated public restrooms, but she endured the smell and the prying eyes for a moment alone. There, she allowed herself to cry for sixty seconds. That was all she gave herself. When she finished, she took her time cleaning up her face and giving herself a pep talk.
By the time she made it back out to the chaos, she felt like she’d done a good job of getting rid of all evidence of her meltdown, but when Haze’s eyes landed on her again, she second-guessed herself. He looked at her with so much sympathy she thought she might cry again.
“You good?” he asked when she made it back over to them.
That question alone caused a lump to form in her throat, but she shook her feelings off and gave him a small smile. “Yeah.”
“You’re lyin’, but I’ll give you a pass.
” He ran his free hand down his face and took in a deep breath.
“Look, I know we got a lot to talk about. I ain’t gonna sit here and front like I’m not hurt and pissed off, but I don’t want that to be what today’s about.
I want us to enjoy the day as a family. Can we do that? ”
Devyn had to mentally coach herself not to cry as she nodded.
There was clearly so much more to Haze than she realized.
While she sensed chaos and danger within him, she clearly saw in real time how gentle and patient he could be with her.
There was an emotionally intelligent man inside of him, and he was clearly willing to step up and be in his daughter’s life.
She would even be willing to guess that he would protect Hazel with his life.
The fact that she had read him completely wrong all those years ago would forever be her biggest regret.
“Yes,” she whispered.
The corner of Haze’s mouth turned up, and he gave her a lopsided smile that melted her heart. “Cool. Did y’all eat? I can order us some food.”
“We ate already, but I’m sure you’ll quickly become her favorite person if you get her some ice cream.”
Haze looked down at Hazel, who cuddled up into his arms and peered around curiously. “That’s all it takes? We gotta work on that, mama. You can’t be thinkin’ niggas can hang the moon and the stars just because they buy you ice cream.”
Devyn giggled as she followed them over to the counter where they could order their food.
“What flavor do you want, Hazel?”
“Brown,” she replied with excitement dancing in her eyes.
“Brown?” Haze asked.
Devyn laughed. “Chocolate.”
“You heard the lady. Brown ice cream,” Haze told the worker behind the counter.
“We only have Dippin’ Dots. Is that okay?” the employee asked.
Haze looked at Devyn for help. Devyn smiled and nodded. “Chocolate Dippin’ Dots is fine.”
The worker rang them up and then handed them the frozen treat. Hazel immediately tried opening the small cup, and Devyn grabbed it before she could make a mess.
“Hold on, sweetie. Let’s sit down first.” Devyn spotted an empty table and walked toward it, but Haze stopped her.
“I got us our own section.”
Devyn chuckled. “This isn’t a club, you know?”
He waved her off and walked her toward a long empty table in the corner. “I know that, but I ain’t the type to go somewhere and not have somewhere to sit and kick it. We ain’t gotta worry about someone snagging our shit if we get up to play wit’ lil mama or nothin’.”
“That was thoughtful,” Devyn said as they sat down. She quickly opened the Dippin’ Dots before Hazel threw a fit. When she handed the cup and spoon over to Hazel, who sat on Haze’s lap, her daughter tore into the sweet treat.
Haze snickered as he watched Hazel before he responded to Devyn. “You lucky I ain’t rent this whole shit out.”
“That really wouldn’t even be necessary,” Devyn said with humor in her tone.
“That’s what my mama said.” Haze grumbled.
Devyn’s heart dropped. She hadn’t even thought about his family and how they might feel about Hazel. There was so much to talk about and so many feelings to sort through. She felt overwhelmed.
Instead of getting stuck in those thoughts, she blurted out the first thing that came to her mind. “How are you?”
She wished she could suck those words back into her mouth. It wasn’t because she didn’t want to know, but she didn’t think she was worthy of that insight. How dare she create this situation and then ask him how he was handling it?
Haze took a moment to respond. Finally, he said, “It still don’t feel real.
I never wanted kids, you know? I never felt responsible enough for one or never met a woman I thought was worthy enough to have my babies.
You changed everything. If you were any other woman, I would be livid right now.
I’m mad that you kept Hazel from me, but I’m not mad Hazel’s here, if that makes sense.
I feel confused as fuck, if I’m bein’ honest.”
“Fuck,” Hazel said before she scooped another bite of her dessert into her mouth.
She had abandoned the spoon by now and used her hands.
A mess had formed, both on the table and down the front of Hazel’s shirt, but Devyn let her rock.
They were there so Hazel could have fun and be free. Devyn wouldn’t ruin that by fussing.
She would, however, correct her daughter this time and also correct Haze.
“Honey, no. That’s a bad word. You can’t say that,” Devyn scolded.
Hazel looked at her mother in confusion for all of one second before she went back to her Dippin’ Dots. Devyn looked at Haze. “We have to work on how you speak around her. She’s literally a sponge right now and will repeat anything you say.”
“My bad,” Haze said, and he seemed sincere.
Devyn hung her head. “It’s okay. You didn’t know.”
And it’s my fault.
She didn’t let those words tumble out of her mouth, though. Haze’s only request was that they have a good day with Hazel. Bringing too many feelings into the situation would do the complete opposite, so she held her guilty thoughts at bay and did her best to stay tuned into the moment.
She watched as Haze interacted with Hazel.
Already, their bond seemed solidified. That fascinated Devyn.
It was like Hazel knew exactly who Haze was, and Haze somehow knew exactly how gentle to be with her, how to hold her securely, and how to be watchful of their surroundings.
He’d picked up on so many traits a good father should have in the blink of an eye, which only made Devyn feel worse.
She wondered when the guilt would ease up, but she shoved that thought away and prepared herself for a mentally draining but extremely important afternoon.