21. Finding Me Again
Finding Me Again
For the first time since I’ve been home, I was going out on my own, and being alone with my thoughts was something I did not like.
My mind was still all over the place. Half in California, the other half in Atlanta. It felt like as quick as I wanted to forget Gio and what I went through, the longer it was taking me to do it.
After a short lil’ drive, I finally made it to Kenya’s house and walked straight inside without knocking.
“Hey, lady of the hour,” Deja said as she hugged me.
“Hey y’all,” I said as I looked around. “What are we doing today?” I asked as I pulled away from Deja and moved on to hug Renee, then Kenya.
“Just a lil’ chill day,” Kenya responded. “I had a caterer come through, have some ladies coming to do our nails and toes. I just…wanted us to be all together today.”
I smirked. “I like that.”
“We even made you some mocktail, Miss Mommy to Be.”
I cuffed my face. “Love told you!”
They all nodded. “Girl, that man was about to lose his mind. Yes, he let that out.”
I smiled. “We wanted to tell everyone in a special way.”
“Well, we know now, and we are so excited for y’all,” Deja added.
Before I could sit down and take a sip of my mocktail, there was a knock at the door, and the nail techs were walking in. They started to get set up while the girls got me caught up on shit at work.
They told me who left, who was still there, and who finally came out as a couple, even though we called it months ago.
I laughed when they all laughed, nodded when I was supposed to, and chimed in with my input here and there, but my mind was so lost. I was working overtime trying to feel like myself again, so much so that I was making it noticeable.
“Islah…” Kenya said low. “What is on your mind?”
I focused my eyes and looked around. They were all staring at me.
“Nothing special…just all over the place,” I said with a smirk, hoping they would change the subject.
“You know you can talk to us about anything, right?” Deja added.
I nodded. “I know, y’all, I am okay. I was just lost in my thoughts for a second. Trust me... I’m okay.”
Renee nodded slowly like she heard me, but she didn’t believe me, and when I looked at Deja and Kenya, their faces were sayin’ the same thing.
“Have you talked to anybody about Gio since you’ve been back?” Renee asked.
“Love…but it’s not much to talk about, plus I told him and my parents all that happened.”
“And that made you feel better?” Kenya responded.
I paused. “Umm…I think it did. I’m not sure for real.”
Finally, Renee changed the subject, and the attention got off me for a lil’ bit, and the nail techs got to work. The conversation continued to drift over different topics, from whatever we saw while scrolling to whatever was on the TV when one of us looked up.
For the most part, I was relaxed, the same way I was with Love, but then outta nowhere, I get a thought, or hear something in my head that sounds like Gio, and it turns my mood sour.
After our nails and toes got done, the food was ready, and we sat around her kitchen table and tore it down. Everything was our favorite food. Fried chicken for Deja, fried rice and egg rolls for me, sushi for Renee, and pizza and wings for Kenya.
My girls tried to have me relaxed and as comfortable as they could be, and I appreciated it all, but…it just wasn’t working.
We were just about done eating. I didn’t know what was next at first, but then Kenya pulled out a notebook.
“I was thinking, we can help you plan a lil’ wedding for you and Love.”
I froze, not because I didn’t want to marry him, but because my mind wasn’t there.
“Oh, we don’t have to do that. Me and Love haven’t even talked about anything different.”
I tried to get them off the subject, but they weren’t letting up.
“That’s okay,” Renee added. “Because we can get everything lined up for you.”
I nodded. I wanted to say no. Wanted to say stop, not right now, but my mouth wouldn’t open to say anything like that.
I just nodded with a smile, agreed to things I had agreed to before, and then I heard,”You are not marrying that nigga.”
Clear as day in my head was Gio’s voice, and I jumped up.
“Umm…I think I need to go,” I said, grabbing my bag, my keys, and my phone.
“What is wrong?” Kenya asked, jumping up behind me.
“Are you okay, Islah?” Deja asked.
I was getting so tired of being asked that I didn’t answer.
“I just have to go. I will talk to y’all later.”
I got outta Kenya’s house as fast as I could and hopped in my car with no destination.
I didn’t want to go home. I didn’t want to talk to anybody. I just wanted to think…think alone.
I drove around for a bit, listening to the radio. My girls and Love kept calling over and over, but I didn’t pick up, not knowing what I wanted to say to them.
After about an hour of driving, I ended up at a park, sitting on a bench, crying my heart out. I didn’t understand what I was feeling. I was happy Gio was gone for good, and as much as I wanted him to let go of me, I couldn’t let go of what he put me through.
Watching the man that I was in love with for seven years turn into somebody I didn’t know.
Trying to think back to what signs I missed.
Was I really blinded by love, or did he just hide it that good?
Having flashbacks to him laughing in my face and dragging me to the room when I told him I wanted to leave.
Then, deep down, wondering if Love could ever flip on me like that.
I was traumatized. I didn’t want to stress. I wanted the memory of Gio outta my brain.
“UGHHH, GIO! LEAVE ME ALONE!” I cried out as I held on to myself for comfort.
I sat there and cried my heart out until it got dark, and the park security came through and told me that I had to leave. On the way home, I stopped and got Amir and me a milkshake and took my time sipping mine as I walked in the house.
“WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN?!” Love yelled at me as he ran down the steps with his phone to his ear.
I looked at him and didn’t respond. “Amir, I got you a milkshake.”
Amir came running down the steps, grabbed his milkshake, and ran back up to his room while Love stood there still staring at me.
“Kenya, she’s home. Hit her line, I guess,” he said as he hung up the phone.
I walked up the steps, still sipping my milkshake, and went into our room with Love following behind me.
“Mamas, are you going to talk to me? Or your girls? We were all worried about you. They said you left out fast,” he asked.
I shrugged. “Love, I really don’t know what to say.”
He nodded. “I get it—”
“You actually don’t,” I said, cutting him off.
He nodded again. “Okay, baby. When you are ready to talk, let me know. Until then, I can only do what I think you need.”
I grabbed some clothes outta the closet and walked toward the bathroom.
“Right now, Love, I need space.”
And I shut the door behind me. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt him, but I was already hurting myself.