25. Losing Him
Losing Him
It had been twenty-four hours since Love left, and he hadn’t called me, hadn’t responded to my texts, or anything.
I loved Love, but I didn’t fully understand what was going on with me.
I did my normal morning routine, fixing Amir’s breakfast, and called him down to eat just as I heard him say.
“Iight, Dad.”
I stood at the bottom, waiting for him to reach me.
“You talked to your dad?” I asked.
“Yeah, he said that he is working and he will try to be home soon.”
My knees got weak.
“Okay, I’ma be upstairs,” I said before running off.
Once I got back in my room, I tried to call Love again. The phone would ring, but quickly reach voicemail.
I sat there on the edge of the bed with my phone in my hand, replaying the whole conversation we had the night before.
How he looked at me, the basic questions that he asked me that I could hardly answer.
Tears fell down my face. I wanted Love home, I wanted to talk, I wanted to fix things. I just didn’t know how.
I felt like I couldn’t sit in my skin, so I hopped up and took a shower, thinking that it would calm my mind, but it didn’t. It actually made me think more.
Once I got myself together, I FaceTimed my girls, and as they picked up, they each looked at me funny.
“Are you okay?” Kenya asked.
“Yeah, what is going on over there?” Renee asked.
I took a deep breath, trying to say what I needed to before I started crying.
“I need y’all to come over. Me and Love got into an argument last night, and he left…he hasn’t been back.”
There was a slight pause on the phone.
“We are on the way,” Kenya said softly, while I could see Deja and Renee getting their shit together to leave out.
Once the phone hung up, I curled up on the bed and cried, and when I had no more tears in me, I just lay in the bed staring at the same spot on the wall until I heard the doorbell.
I got up slowly and walked down, opened the door, and all three of them ran in, wrapping their arms around me.
“My baby, your eyes are so puffy,” Deja said.
“And have you eaten?” Renee asked. “If you don’t want to eat for you, you need to eat for that baby.”
Kenya pulled away from me and looked me in my eyes. “Everything will be okay. Trust me.”
They walked me into my kitchen; they already brought food and drinks with them as we sat around the island.
Renee fixed me a plate of food, and they all looked at me like my momma used to until I took a bite.
“Where is Amir?” Deja asked.
“Upstairs,” I said through small bites.
“I’ma go check on him.”
Deja walked off while Renee and Kenya didn’t take their eyes off me until all the food was gone.
“Do you feel better?” Renee asked.
I nodded slightly.
After making sure Amir was good, Deja came back, and we moved to the basement.
“Okay,” Kenya said as I sat down, getting comfortable. “Now tell us, what the hell has happened?”
They were all ears, waiting for me to explain my life at that very moment.
I took a deep breath and looked up to the ceiling.
“We went to a get-together at his cousin’s house, and the topic of when we were getting married got brought up, and I didn’t know what to say.”
All three of them looked at me like I was crazy.
“You didn’t know what to say?” Deja repeated.
I nodded. “Yeah, I don’t know why. So when we got home, Love asked me if I wanted to marry him, and I said I don’t know.”
Renee’s mouth dropped.
“Girl, what?” Kenya asked.
I shook my head. “I don’t know.”
“Don’t you want to be with Love?” Deja asked.
“I do,” I said quickly. “I love him with all my heart, but…”
I couldn’t even get it out without crying harder. I didn’t even want to admit the shit again. Kenya handed me some tissues and helped me breathe so I could talk.
“Since I’ve been home, I swear I’ve been hearing Gio’s voice telling me that Love is going to do me like he did. Love could be talking to me, and it changes to Gio’s voice. I feel like that man is still here even though I know he is dead.”
“So why didn’t you just tell Love?” Renee asked.
I shrugged. “I don’t know, I didn’t want to sound crazy.”
“You know Love would have been three for you and been understanding,” Deja added.
I agreed.
“I didn’t want to hurt him. I felt like I had been putting Love through a lot. I thought I was going to come home and pick up where I left off, but instead, it’s like my brain is fighting with a ghost.”
“I understand not wanting to hurt him, but Love has been through a lot too. You and that baby were at the forefront of his mind. I don’t think that nigga cracked a smile until he had you back.
That man gave you a ring, bought you a house, and gave you a baby, everything you waited years for from Gio.
The love that he has for you is like no other nigga I have seen, and I told him that. ”
“I don’t know what to do to fix it,” I said softly.
“For one, you need to leave Gio where you left him. That man tried to break you down,” Deja added.
“Don’t let his death be the reason you lose everything you ever wanted,” Renee said.
Kenya grabbed my shoulders and made me look at her.
“Do you have anything of Gio’s? Anything that he gave you, touched, something you kept that you didn’t know you had?”
I thought about it for a second.
“Yeah, I think I do.”
She smiled. “Go get it. I have an idea.”
I looked at her crazy, but didn’t question it. I just got up and went upstairs and stood in the room looking around, thinking about what I had.
I pulled out the outfit I had on when I left the house. Then I looked through a drawer and found an old T-shirt that I would sleep in. Then I looked through my jewelry box and found an old necklace that he had given me when we first started dating, and I took all of that to the basement.
“This is all I have,” I said, handing it to Kenya.
She smiled. “That’s all we need. Come on, let’s go.”
We all walked out back, and I took a seat while Deja and Renee helped Kenya find everything she needed. They all looked happy, doing whatever they were doing, while I was confused as hell, but after a few minutes, Kenya looked at me.
“Okay, girl, come here.”
I stood up and slowly walked over to where they were.
“What we are not going to do is let that crispy nigga in California fuck up what you have created here. Islah, since we met you, we can all agree that you are strong as hell. That boy—I don’t even want to call Gio a man or a nigga, that’s giving him too much clout.
That lil’ ass boy couldn’t take no for an answer, and that is not your fault.
You moved away from him because you didn’t want him to hold you back, and now, he is still not going to hold you back. You are going to burn this shit!”
I smiled with a lil’ laugh. “What?”
They all nodded.
“You need to release him,” Deja expressed. “The way he was holding on to you, you are still holding on to him.”
I shook my head, but I didn’t want Gio.
“We know that Gio played with your mind and heart, so now you need to let your heart and mind know it’s not going back to him.”
Kenya handed me a lighter. I took it from her and walked up to the lil’ bucket that had the things in it that I had. I took a deep breath, looked at the things one last time, flicked the lighter, and caught the dress on fire.
I stood back and watched as everything started to catch fire.
“Now cuss him out!” Kenya said.
“What?” I asked.
Deja laughed. “You heard her, cuss Gio the fuck out! Send him to hell, where the fuck he belongs.”
I stepped closer to the fire.
“GIO, FUCK YOU! FUCK EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU! I hate that I wasted seven years of my fuckin’ life with a clown ass lil’ ass boy like you!
You were never a man, you were never a stepper.
You played with me, you gaslit me, you held me hostage!
I never want a love like yours, I never want to meet a nigga that looks like you.
I am so fucking glad that you are gone!”
Once I said that, the shit in the bucket sparked a little bit, making me take a step back, and I smiled.
“I love Love. I am so happy that you fucked up so I could move and meet the love of my life. Your name will never be brought up again, and I will never think about you again! It’s fuck Gio to the death of me!”
I spat on the shit in the bucket, and my girls clapped and cheered for me.
“Tell me, how the fuck do you feel now?”
I exhaled. “I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Thank y’all.”
We had a group hug, then stepped back, and they were still looking at me.
“So, what are you going to do now?” Kenya asked.
“I am going to get my nigga back! We have a wedding to plan! It’s time to become Mrs. Love Mayer.”
The girls cheered for me again while I kept smiling and looking up to the sky. That release was needed for better things to come. I just hoped that Love would hear me out.