Chapter 29
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
PENNY
Twenty minutes later, Ryder had parked in his driveway, and the beautiful farmhouse was lit only by his truck’s headlights.
Around us, the world was dark, rain coming down in sheets now, the drumming of it on the roof accented by the occasionally violent flash of lightning and booming thunder that reverberated in tune to my heart.
We were both dripping wet, and yet I wasn’t ready to leave the warm cocoon of the truck.
“Can you talk to me?” he asked quietly.
I shrugged. “It’s nothing.”
He reached for my hand. “Since when do we lie to each other?”
Fair enough. I stared down at our entangled fingers. “I want to be done with this feeling.” I pressed a hand to my belly. “I want to be done looking behind me.”
“I hear that,” he said softly.
I knew he did, that he felt the same way about his own past. “I realized something tonight,” I said, turning to meet his gaze in the ambient light from the dash. “Somehow when I wasn’t looking, I let my guard down with you.”
“And that’s a bad thing?”
His eyes were dark and concerned, and I knew he deserved the truth. “I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t do that, not ever again, unless I’d gotten to know the other person.”
He cocked his head, his manner mild, still calm, if a little confused. “And haven’t we? Gotten to know each other?”
“Yes.” Too much, maybe.
“Is that what upset you?”
“No. No ,” I said again at his concern. “I…had a panic attack. I’m sorry?—”
“No, you don’t apologize for that, are you kidding me? I’m the one who’s sorry, that I couldn’t prevent it, that I couldn’t help?—”
“You did help.” I’d still be freaking out if he hadn’t hauled me into him and held me tight. I shook my head. “I thought you might be…mad. Or at the very least, irritated.”
He blinked. “What? Why?”
“I ruined the night.”
“You didn’t.” Reaching out, he took my hand and pressed it against his chest. “Penny, I’d never get mad at an honest reaction. Never.” He paused. “You expected me to blame you for your reaction tonight?”
“No.” I paused. Grimaced. “Maybe.” I felt my face heat, unable to understand why this was all coming out of me now, when it’d been such a lovely night. “Ignore me.”
“I’d do just about anything you asked of me. Except that. Please talk to me.”
I let out a long, slow breath and met his gaze. “What would you get mad at me for? What would bring out your temper? Please, be honest.”
Something like grief flashed across his face and his eyes softened.
“Full honesty. I do occasionally lose my temper. Everyone does one way or another. But for me, it takes a lot. I’ve got a very long fuse.
But there’s a big difference between getting angry and taking that anger out on someone. It’s a line I don’t cross.”
I shifted to fully face him.
His expression was quiet, reflective. “I grew up with a man who lost his temper at the blink of an eye and had no problem taking it out on his wife and kids. For most of my growing-up years, we walked on eggshells. We learned early on to be fast and how to vanish in plain sight. So you have to understand, I was incredibly young when I swore I’d never be that guy. ”
He drew a breath. “And then after losing Auggie, very little seems worth losing my shit over. So if you’re waiting on me to blow up at you for something, you’re waiting in vain. I’m not that guy. I’ll never be that guy.”
There was a feeling in my chest that I couldn’t name, the sensation that my heart had been peeled wide open. “I’m sorry for what happened to you when you were a kid,” I said. “And then Auggie’s death. It’s awful and tragic, but still not your fault.”
He squeezed my hand. “And I’m sorry for what happened to you. Which wasn’t your fault either.”
We stared at each other for a beat, the only sound that of the rain hammering the truck roof and my unsteady heart thumping away.
Finally, I gave a small, tremulous smile. “So now what?”
“Your call. We could go to the barn and sand. Or…we could go into the house and I could make you cookies, since I’m a pro now. Whatever you want.”
There was something in his gaze that said he’d meant that last sentence literally, and my heart began to race—in a good way now.
“You do realize I’m a hot mess, right?”
“Not any more than the rest of us.”
I snorted and turned my attention to the house, which was dark. “You don’t leave a light on for yourself ?”
“I have them on a timer…” He frowned. “The porch light should be on.” He pulled out his phone, accessing his home system. “Huh. Power’s out. Storm must’ve caused an outage.”
“Do you have a generator?”
“Not a hard-wired one. The house is too old for the electrical load, so I sacrificed certain modern conveniences. I do have a gas run generator to plug a few things into if needed. But I rarely bother for myself.”
And why did the prospect of not having power actually seem…cozy?
“Maybe I should take you home?—”
I found a smile. “You’re afraid you left your tighty-whities on the floor, aren’t you?”
He snorted. “I don’t wear tighty-whities.”
I already knew that, but it still took my mind to a very dirty place, which in turn, lifted me from the anxiety that had been swirling in my belly ever since the cop had banged his flashlight on the truck window.
“The last time I was here, you had some good wine. Still have some?”
He smiled, exited the truck, and came around for me as if the rain wasn’t pelting him with every passing second.
Hand in hand, we ran through the downpour to the front door, laughing breathlessly as he got us inside.
His wet hair clung to his forehead and had fallen into his eyes as he dripped all over the small mud room floor.
I wasn’t in any better shape.
Kicking off his shoes, he pulled a large flashlight from a small closet and flicked it on. I slipped out of my sandals, then stepped into the dark living room.
Ryder came up behind me as he lit the room up with the flashlight, his chest brushing my back, and immediately, a sense of warmth and calm hit me.
The house was basically an extension of him.
I already knew the calming effect it had on me—the cream walls with wide oak trim, the high, open-beamed ceiling, the wood floors and big, comfy furniture, all of it clearly masculine and comfortably broken in.
I knew the shelves were stuffed with books on everything from architecture to travel to Stephen King, that there were two plants bookending the glass slider, both thriving, and that there was a pile of battered sneakers and work boots littered around to trip over.
Still shivering, I pulled my wet sundress away from my skin with a suctioning pop .
“I’ll make a fire,” Ryder said. “There’s also probably enough hot water for a quick shower.”
“Pretty forward of you to offer me a shower on our first date,” I quipped, even though it sounded like the second best thing I could wish for right now.
He cupped my face with his warm hands. How they were so warm when mine were frozen was beyond me.
“This isn’t about getting you naked,” he said softly. “It’s about the fact you’re still shaking and your skin is like ice.”
I’d rather it be about getting naked… “I’m fine.” I immediately ruined this statement by giving a full body shiver. Dammit.
His mouth quirked. “Humor me.”
“Humor this.” I slid my icy hands beneath his shirt, resting them on his abs.
He hissed in a breath but manfully sucked it up.
Smiling sweetly, I dug my fingers into those muscles.
He just raised a brow.
“Not ticklish?” I asked.
“Not there.”
A challenge, but it’d have to get in line. “I’m not here to be pampered, Ryder. That’s the last thing I want right now.”
“Then name it.” His eyes darkened. “Anything.”
I’d never been particularly bold or brave, but something about this man brought it out in me. So I stepped into him, nudging him up against the wall, which, let’s be honest, he allowed, because if he hadn’t wanted to be moved, I wouldn’t have been able to budge him.
But…he did want to be moved. At least according to those fiery eyes. He wanted other things too, because as I pressed into him, I found him hard.
But he didn’t make a move, just waited me out, because…
he was all about choices, and he wanted this to be mine, wanted me to have all the power, knowing I hadn’t always had that.
I wanted him for that alone, but also for far more.
For so long, there’d been a hole in my heart, and a lingering ache of loneliness I hadn’t been able to shake.
But Ryder seemed to chase away that aching loneliness, leaving me filled with excitement, an ticipation… joy .
More than anything, I wanted to do the same for him. I smiled, and he returned it. Honestly, I could drown in the way he looked at me, like I was worth something to him, like in this very moment there was nowhere he’d rather be and no one else he’d rather be with.
“What do I want?” I repeated, and when he nodded, my smile widened. “You.” Something flared in his eyes as I went up on my tiptoes and slid my hands into his silky, wet hair to brush my mouth over his.
And then again…
A very rough, sexy male sound escaped his throat as he dove into the kiss.
His hand slid to my nape, fisting in my hair as his other cupped my jaw, stroking his thumb across the pounding pulse point at the base of my throat.
All of it ignited a wildfire in my chest as he lowered his mouth to mine.
The kiss instantly went nuclear as I touched every inch of him that I could reach, and believe me, I already had my favorites.
Panting, I opened my eyes and found his fixed on my face.
“Hurry,” I whispered. I meant to sound soft and sexy, but it might’ve been more of a demand.