52. Alex
CHAPTER FIFTY-TWO
alex
After a night of tossing and turning without any restful sleep, I made the decision to call in sick for the first time in my career.
In the past, I’ve always pushed myself to soldier through, no matter how shitty I felt, but not today.
Every breath I take and each movement of my body is like trudging through quicksand, unbearable and suffocating.
I don’t think that’s going to go away anytime soon. Not with her gone.
Sitting on the couch in the same clothes as yesterday, I run my fingers through my hair, pulling at the ends aggressively. Everything in this apartment reminds me of Chelsi. She’s only lived here for a short period of time, but she has etched herself permanently in my soul and home.
Now this place is merely four walls. An endless reminder of what I’ve lost. What I might never get back.
When my phone pings with a text, my heart leaps, wanting to believe it’s her, only to become disappointed when Claire’s name appears on the screen. I debate for a few seconds whether I should bother reading her message. My goodhearted nature gets the best of me, worried something could be wrong.
Claire
Talked to Chelsi last night. Not sure whether it helped or not, but I wanted to let you know.
I clench my jaw, wondering what the hell Claire might’ve said this time. She means well, but sometimes can’t keep her big mouth shut.
Claire
I promise I didn’t make it any worse.
Oh, and I told her how I prefer to lick pussy rather than suck cock. Not in those exact words, but you get what I mean.
“For fuck’s sake,” I groan. I’m never surprised by the completely insane things that come out of her mouth sometimes.
Claire
You neglected to tell her that part, too.
The part about me being partial to pussy in case you were confused. Probably would’ve been helpful for her to know.
My mind tries to understand how any of this could’ve come up in conversation with Chelsi. Or why Claire felt the need to mention it. God only knows what else she shared.
Alex
How was telling her about your sexual orientation supposedly helping the situation?
Claire
Because she asked if I might want you and seemed offended when I started laughing like a hyena.
Didn’t want her to think it was because you’re bad in bed or something. I’m sure you’re fine.
But I guess she would know that…
Alex
If I had known your conversation with Chelsi was going to be like this, I wouldn’t have given you her number.
Claire
I would’ve found it eventually. Don’t forget I was raised in the 90s/00s and learned how to internet sleuth with the best of them.
Alex
I’ll talk to you later. I need some space to get my head on straight.
Claire
I’m really sorry about everything.
After tossing the phone on the couch, I drop my head in my hands as my elbows rest on my knees. This is going to be the longest day of my life. Longest fucking week. Maybe month or year. Time is going to tick by extremely slowly without Chelsi.
I’m terrified it’s something I need to get used to because I’ve lost her for good.
Unable to function, I spend the next few hours on the couch as my mind replays every single interaction I’ve had with Chelsi.
The moments that took my breath away. The way her love healed the deep cracks within my heart—the ones I thought were permanent until she magically fixed them.
How she fit in my arms like she was created just for me.
The future I dreamed about for us. The life we were going to share.
All of it gone in the blink of an eye because of me.
I’ll never forgive myself for breaking her heart. For the tears she’s shed over me. The pain I thrust upon her. What I’m going through is ten times worse, knowing how much hurt I caused her.
When I hear the click of the door, I assume it’s my imagination. When she appears in the entryway, I think it’s a mirage—showing me what I so desperately want to see.
“Alex,” she says softly. “Can we talk?”
I nod, unable to get out any words.
She’s here.
I don’t know what it means, but I’m eternally grateful to be in her presence one more time.