20. Never Better
20
NEVER BETTER
T he teacher woke Mathias in the middle of his philosophy class. His arms clasped behind his back, the man was peering at him from under his glasses with a stern expression. Mathias, who didn’t care about presenting as a decent human being anymore, ignored the obvious kicks Eric gave him under the table and returned his look with a scowl.
“What’s going on, Mathias?” Mr Lelong asked with a faint smile. “You haven’t paid attention to the lesson at all. Have you given up?”
Yes. If only he could tell the truth, for once…
Oh, hang on.
“YES,” he said, loud enough for the entire class to hear.
The teacher silenced the ensuing laughter with difficulty. “Mathias, how can you say that?” He went into a concerned tirade about youth, opportunity, becoming one’s best self…
That self-help bullshit might have worked on some people, but Mathias wasn’t like other people. At least, he didn’t think so. He answered with a loud sigh.
Lelong shook his head, clearly disappointed. “Look at yourself… Is that really who you want to be? Think about our lesson. Look in the mirror tonight, and ask yourself the grown-up, mature questions.”
Mathias sniggered. The last time he took a good look at his reflection was when V.B. had dragged him to his office to lecture him about bullies. Mathias saw his own face in the window and immediately hurled his fist at it. He should probably avoid mirrors entirely.
“Where do you think this attitude’s going to lead you, hm?” his teacher asked, relentless.
“Nowhere.”
“Don’t say that in that tone. It sounds like you’re enjoying it.”
“What if I do?”
“Don’t be ridiculous. What about your future? What do you want to do for the rest of your life?”
To his surprise, Mathias immediately thought of Alberto. His face flashed in his mind so clearly, his name almost slipped out. Mathias slammed his forehead against his desk, hoping the image would disintegrate, but it didn’t, and now Alberto’s face was smirking in his mind. Asshole , he was saying, his decadent lips curling.
His lack of answer made Lelong scan around the room for support. “Should I… should I expel him, you think?”
“Fine by me,” Mathias muttered, unsticking his face from his open notebook.
“No, of course not!” Sounding scandalized, Eric intervened like the champ he always was. Such a great, steady friend , who, by some twisted joke, just happened to hate the only person Mathias had ever… liked, making him impossible to talk to.
A sharp pain jolted him out of his thoughts; he’d bitten his thumb so hard, he’d drawn blood. The bell rang at that moment, announcing break. Eric sprung up like a doe and threw his books into his bag.
“Break! Quick, quick, I have to meet Zak.”
Mathias pulled a face. “Ugh. You didn’t get enough of him last night?”
Eric dragged him out of class by his sleeve, laughing. “Mathias, Mathias...” He shot him a quick glance. “How’s the hand?”
“The hand’s fine.” Mathias sighed. “You need to stop asking me about it.”
“But the game is today?—”
“I know! How could I forget? You won’t shut up about it.”
“Then let’s talk about Zak instead. Last night was so freaking great?—”
Mathias pretended to shoot himself in the head, which sent Eric into another fit of laughter. Once outside, he hooked his arm around Mathias’s shoulders and led him toward their favorite bench, where Zak was waiting for him, accompanied by Xavier, Charles-Henry, and the girls. “You know my friend Cam, right? Camille? You know her, right?”
“Yes! I only see her every other day.”
“Ah, good, so you do notice girls after all.”
“What?”
“Anyway, she’d call you a blushing maid.”
Mathias broke free from Eric’s grip with a curse. “Screw you, I’m not a blushing maid.”
“There you go!”
“I just don’t want to hear about it.”
“About… it?” Eric’s eyes glinted mischievously. “ It ?”
As they were nearing the bench, Mathias spoke through gritted teeth to avoid being overheard by the others. “Your sex life!”
Eric stopped in his tracks. “Because we’re guys?”
“Are you really asking me this?” Mathias retorted, fuming. “How long have we been friends?”
“That’s right! For a second, I was surprised.”
“Why? Why would you be surprised?”
Eric didn’t reply, going to Zak instead. After taking a seat on the bench, he manhandled his boyfriend to stand in front of him so he could stare at his ass unnoticed.
Mathias lit up a cigarette, grumbling under his breath. He knew Zak couldn’t be that great, because he already had the best under him, and it wasn’t Zak. Zak may have been a cute piece of meat, but Alberto was filet mignon.
What? He didn’t make the rules. If he did, how different his life would have turned out…
“How are you, Mathias?” Elodie asked kindly, ignoring Joy’s knowing smile. “You look exhausted.”
“Never better,” he answered, which earned him a concerned look from both.
Mathias hadn’t had a good night's sleep in a long time. And on Friday night, with an intoxicated demon under his sheets, he found it impossible to shut his eyes. The moment he saw Alberto’s drunk text in the middle of the night, he knew he had to get up and check on him before things spun out of control. He was well aware of how vulnerable Alberto was when he was drunk, so to imagine him alone at a bar, a pickup club filled with horny men? Mathias was out the door in seconds.
The fear he’d felt at finding him obviously confused and frozen outside with an asshole groping him engulfed him with a rage he’d barely been able to contain. Mathias tried to convey his regrets at acting so aggressively later when they were back at his place, suggesting it was best they never spoke again because he was too close to telling that bastard outside the club to let Alberto go before he fucking killed him, but Alberto was so out of it, he probably didn’t register shit.
He’d acted weird after his nightmare, alternately shivering from cold or pushing away the covers, his brow furrowed in his sleep, inching closer and closer to him. What was Mathias supposed to do? Little by little, his hands moved on their own, until the girafon , his forehead burning, was nestled safe and sound in his arms. Too worried something might happen to him, Mathias watched over him all night; he whispered words of apology in his ears, told him he was sorry about not being good—or strong—enough. But he wasn’t like the other guys, at the club or elsewhere. Knowing what he knew, he couldn’t just have mindless sex with him only to let him go.
In the early hours of the morning, exhausted, he’d finally surrendered to sleep, and when he woke not even an hour later, the bed was empty and cold. Mathias’s chest felt even colder. He’d gone to the window and picked up the binoculars to peer out into the streets, but Alberto was long gone.
Mathias had pressed his forehead against the cold glass. Was the idea of Alberto sleeping with other men a turn on? Sure, as much as the thought of getting his nails ripped out. But he had to lie to him, to push him away, because he wouldn’t be able to do this every weekend. The sight of him was torture, as was the sound of his voice… Mathias repeatedly knocked his head against the window. He thought of his mother. He thought of how Alberto’s presence in his life had brought his bad dreams back, the ones he’d hoped never to have again. His shoulders sank under the weight of his feelings. In his distress, he imagined his mom was in the room with him, not laughing this time, but watching him silently.
She, too, knew he had done wrong.
“You didn’t get hurt this weekend, did you?” Elodie asked, interrupting his thoughts.
Mathias glanced at her. “What do you mean?”
“The fight!” Charles-Henry said, uncharacteristically giddy. “Everybody’s talking about how you went after Kayvin!”
“Oh…” Uncomfortable, Mathias looked away and saw that Xavier lo oked just as awkward as him. Elodie noticed too and furrowed her brow.
“Xavier,” she said, “don’t you think you’ve had enough of Kayvin? What does he add to your life, except trouble? You would be better off without him.”
“I’ve known him for a long time,” Xavier said. “He’s still my friend.”
Elodie clicked her tongue. “Not only does he treat you horribly, but you’re much nicer without him. Is he really a friend? Not just to you, but to anyone here? It seems to me he’s turned into a real jerk.”
“I know…” Xavier looked at Eric for support, who patted him on the back. “School’s over in about four months. I’m pretty sure I won’t see him again afterwards. I mean, if my cousin Gwen breaks up with him for good.” He sighed. “They’re already back together.”
Mathias doubted Xavier would ever be rid of Kayvin. That asshole was too happy to use his friend as a punching bag and wouldn’t let go of him so easily. Mathias still dreaded to learn Alberto and Xavier were lovers—or worse—but he felt bad for Xavier and was about to tell him he deserved a better fate, when something else caught his attention. Behind Xavier, Melissa and Joy were exchanging strange looks. Melissa seemed to be urging Joy to speak up, but her friend only hung her head, her cheeks flushed. She looked frightened, causing Mathias to feel strangely protective of her.
“Are you okay, Joy?”
She didn’t reply, but she nodded, becoming even redder. Her expression reminded Mathias of someone. Of Clément, in fact.
… Clément?
Why was he suddenly thinking of Clément? Perhaps because he had once let him down, too. Like his mother. And like Alberto.
Eric let out a loud sigh, as if talking about Kayvin was the only thing that could drain him of his endless reserves of energy. He reached around Zak and pulled him close so that the side of his face was squished against his derriere.
Elodie and Melissa burst out laughing, causing even Mathias to smile. “What are you doing?” he asked, shaking his head.
“He’s just being Eric, as usual,” Zak said in an off-handed tone, but his eyes were filled with warmth.
Eric only hugged him tighter. “Just let me know if Van Bergen is around. I don’t want to get in trouble with him. He’s so scary!”
“He’s so scary!” a mock-childlike voice said behind him .
Naturally, Van Bergen just happened to be passing by with his riding crop, causing a general gasp of terror among the group. Mathias ostensibly rolled his eyes. The headmaster pretended not to have seen it and gave everyone a haughty look, twirling the thing in his hand as he walked away.
Eric let out a breath. “That was a freebie!”
Relief startled everyone into laughter. Van Bergen had a weird “No touching” policy at Colette, and he was known to randomly tighten the rules of what was acceptable displays of affection in public. Eric burying his face into his boyfriend’s ass probably wasn’t an exception to those ridiculous rules.
His face still squeezed against Zak’s generous cheeks, Eric sighed contentedly. “But seriously, how’s your hand, Matt?”
“Right!” Xavier perked up. “We can’t lose today, or Kayvin will blame you.”
Mathias ignored that laughable notion. “My hand’s fine.”
“We really can’t lose,” Xavier insisted.
“My hand’s fine .”
“I sure can’t embarrass myself when Zak is watching,” Eric said snobbishly.
“Then score some fucking goals!” Mathias barked, sending Zak into a fit of laughter.
“Hey-oh!”
The headmaster had reappeared out of nowhere, freezing everyone to the spot. Eric was so terrified that he made no attempt to un-squish himself from his boyfriend’s ass, only clinging tighter to it, his eyes screwed shut. As for Zak, he had become as white as him. To everyone’s shock, Van Bergen ignored the blatant breaking of his rules and pointed his riding crop at Mathias.
“You reckless hormone bags better not be late to the game today. You can’t lose this one.” His riding crop whipped the air as he pointed it at Eric next. “Not like last time.”
“I was heartbroken, sir…” Eric squeaked. “Surely even you know how it is…”
“Ha!” The headmaster smirked. “Good one.”
“How does he move so fast…?” Melissa whispered to Joy, who nodded nervously.
Van Bergen heard her and straightened up. “I’m all magical.” The riding crop whipped the air again. “Break’s over. Everyone back inside. See you at the game. ”
“Break’s not over,” Zak said unhelpfully. “The bell hasn’t r?—”
The bell rang at this exact moment.
“How…?” Melissa and Joy asked in unison.
“All magical!” Van Bergen said, already halfway through the playground. Everyone stared after the headmaster as he strolled toward the building, stopping only to terrify the younger kids.
“That man is so hot, I swear…” Joy sighed.
“Do you think he’s actively trying to be scary because he’s worried we would lust after him otherwise?” Zak asked, a finger on his lip.
Eric made a whining sound, as he always did when Zak spoke positively about another guy. Mathias was about to come to his rescue, but Elodie spoke first.
“Being terrifying doesn’t stop me from lusting after him,” she said, causing general hilarity. “And his outfits… I wish every guy started wearing waistcoats again.”
“That one waistcoat sure is tight…” Melissa sighed, and the other girls hummed in unison.
Elodie made a prayer sign. “Please, God, let me see him without his shirt one day, please!”
Thoroughly uncomfortable now, Mathias didn’t bother to conceal his grimace. Xavier saw it and guffawed.
“Matt is jealous that Elodie loves Van Bergen!”
Everyone erupted in laughter, and Elodie’s smile waned a little. “What can I say? I do like a good-looking man…” she said with a side glance at Mathias. He immediately looked away, only to meet Eric’s bulging eyes.
After parting with the others, Mathias made his way back to class with Xavier, Zak, and Eric.
“Mathias.”
With a discrete sigh, Mathias ignored his friend’s call.
“Mathias. Mathias.”
“…”
“Matt!”
“Please acknowledge him,” Zak said, his eyebrows raised reproachfully.
Mathias turned to Eric. “ What ?”
“Elodie likes you.”
“She does,” Zak said, his eyes full of stars. “She really does!”
Mathias shrugged. “So? ”
Zak scrunched up his nose. “So, so… am I really the only one who thinks you two would have incredibly gorgeous children?”
“Yes!” Xavier nodded fervently. “And Elodie’s like, the best girl in the world! And she has taste. She’s never agreed to sleep with me, you know?”
Zak slipped Xavier a perplexed look. “Do you even know the meaning of the words you’re using?”
Eric suddenly released Zak’s hand to stand in front of Mathias. “I saw you two at the party last Friday! Do you?—”
“Eric, no,” Mathias said impatiently. “I already told her: I’m not interested.”
Eric then let out an uncharacteristically frustrated sound, going as far as stomping his foot before spinning on his heel and charging into the building. Zak watched him, his eyes wide, before rushing after him. Xavier followed them, muttering, “What did I say this time?”
Mathias, too, felt he had done something wrong again, and, eager to avoid a debate—or more questions—he decided not to spend the free hour they had before leaving for the game with his friends, but to hide in the infirmary instead.
In his exhaustion, he had forgotten one thing: today was a Tuesday.