January 2018
Hello, everyone, Jory Harcourt here, hope you all had super holidays. I’m back with my column answering questions and hoping to help.
DEAR JORY:
My kids are getting to an age when they are suddenly aware of their father and I locking the door to have sex, so as a result, we haven’t been having much lately and are contemplating a hotel room. Any advice?
Jory: Have sex in your own bed. I always say that the bed is for two things, sleeping and gettin’ busy, so by all means do that.
Now, I’m aware that you can feel strange having sex when the kids are awake, in the next room etc.
I have tried to get in my husband’s pants many a time only to be rebuffed with the whole, “the kids are still up” excuse.
Sam: It’s not an excuse, I just feel weird.
Jory: Because what if they hear.
Sam: Don’t gimme that look—just because you’ve always been an exhibitionist does not mean that the rest of us are comfortable having our kids know what we do in the bedroom.
Jory: But…
Sam: Ugh.
Jory: But…
Sam: But we’ve never had the issue where they just open the door.
Jory: That’s right. My friend Dylan, her kids just come into her room without knocking.
When she told them, knock before you come in, they started knocking first and then just walking in anyway.
So I get that if there is not a precedent set for privacy, it’s hard to wrap your brain around getting interrupted in the middle of the good stuff.
But if you let your kids know that you will respect their boundaries and they need to respect yours, then you should be in a much better place.
I’ve never had a situation where my kids just walk into our space.
If the door is open, then of course, same with us.
If the door is closed, then a knock and waiting for an answer works for both kids and parents.
And I have to say that a kid knowing that their parents love each other, and so have sex because of that love, is not a bad thing.
Sam: Maybe just be less straightforward than you are when you’re explaining stuff to them.
Jory: If they don’t get the answers from me, they’ll get the wrong ones from their peers or, heaven forbid, the internet.
Sam: Yeah, but maybe, you know, just less with the exact words, huh?
Jory: Exact?
Sam: Less…precise.
Jory: You make no sense.
Sam: God.
Jory: You would have never made it as a sex-ed teacher. It’s lucky you went into law enforcement.
Sam: Yes. Yes, it is.
DEAR JORY:
Do you and your husband ever fight about small things? My husband and I seem to have the same fight on rewind almost every day.
Jory: My husband and I have “discussions.” Like yesterday, we were supposed to get a couple feet of snow, so he said, “You should go to the store and pick up stuff so we don’t have to leave the house all weekend.
” Well, first, I have lived in Chicago longer than anywhere else, so why in the world he’s giving me direction about something I know already?
Instead of taking the bait—which he told me later was not his intent—I said that the meal planning was more his thing than mine, but…
and I didn’t have a chance to say anything else before he snapped at me and said that he was going to be in court that whole day and when was he supposed to get to the store?
Okay, so clearly, in the past, I’ve said that something was more his thing and then tried to pawn it off on him.
But that time I wasn’t. It’s an example of old patterns, old fights being recycled.
Instead of defending myself, though, when he got irritated, I stopped him, put up my hands, and said that we needed to take a moment.
Sam: I really appreciated that.
Jory: And I appreciated you listening.
Sam: Well, it’s hard to do that sometimes.
Jory: I think it just takes a moment, a breath, to say this isn’t what I meant; this isn’t how I want this to be. It just takes a second to defuse a bad situation. You have to change the pattern, that’s what we’re working on.
Sam: Don’t let a small seed grow into something that can destroy your marriage. Nip it in the bud.
DEAR JORY:
My wife and I have gotten into a rut. We don’t go out to dinner or on vacation, we don’t do anything that doesn’t involve our kids.
We both love our kids so much, but I for one am worried that as more time goes by, we’re growing further apart.
I really want to reconnect with her; do you have any suggestions?
Sam: I’ve said it before, have sex. That’ll connect you.
Jory: Really?
Sam: What? That’s good advice. It works for us.
Jory: Yes, but we also have date night every Thursday, rain or shine, no matter what else goes on. We don’t reschedule. We’ve eaten at that diner on Harlem lots of times because it was the only thing open. We’re committed to having our time where there’s only us.
Sam: Because I think if you don’t, then yeah, it’s easy to lose the connection between working and school and dinner and activities and just life. Before you know it, six months have passed and you and your partner are living separate lives even though you sleep in the same bed.
Jory: And sometimes you don’t end up sleeping together. Kids need you, so you sleep with one of them or your partner snores––
Sam: I don’t—
Jory: It’s an example, and you only snore when you’re drunk or overly tired.
Sam: When was the last time I was drunk?
Jory: This is a scenario.
Sam: You snore more than I do.
Jory: Don’t mutter, and I do not, and could you please just focus!
Sam: Hah! Coming from you. That’s rich.
Jory: Sam!
Sam: Fine. I hate it when you work late and you end up sleeping on the couch, because I have trouble sleeping when you’re not in the bed, and when you’re not in the bed, I feel like I missed out on something good.
Jory: What?
Sam: What?
Jory: I—you do? You feel like you missed out?
Sam: You should sleep in bed with me so I don’t miss it when you roll over in the middle of the night and reach for me. I like to be reached for.
Jory: …
Sam: Oh for crissakes, don’t cry.
Jory: I miss the snuggling when you’re not in the bed.
Sam: And the sex.
Jory: Sam!
Sam: This goes back to my original point.
Jory: Anyway, you must make time. Start with date night and stick to it like glue. It’s a good first step.
Sam: Yes, it is, now come to bed.
That’s all for this month, everyone. Have a safe and wonderful January.