March 2018
Hello, all, welcome back to my regular column. Last month’s reminiscing about my Valentine’s Day has brought a welcome deluge of correspondence, so without further ado, here we go.
DEAR JORY:
How do you help your kids deal with tragedy when it hits so close to home, like your husband getting shot?
Jory: For me the most important thing is for the kids to know that they can ask questions. They can ask why something happened, they can ask me how I feel about it, and they can ask hard questions like, if my father could die, why doesn’t he do something else.
Sam: I think that’s your question, not theirs.
Jory: It’s important that they know that anything that pops into their brain—
Sam: Are you ignoring me?
Jory: —will be answered as truthfully and—
Sam: Kids need to know about precautions but also about real work jobs—just like their fathers do apparently—and that yes, they can come to you with questions.
Jory: Also, after a tragedy, family counseling may be in order.
Sam: What?
Jory: And it’s important that everyone be open to sharing. Communication, as I’ve said, is key.
Sam: Crap.
DEAR JORY:
Do you ever resent your husband for having a dangerous job, and if so, how do you deal with that with your kids?
Sam: Oh, this oughta be good.
Jory: Just like someone in the military and any other law enforcement position, I worry about my husband.
Military husbands and wives, all spouses of people who do scary things, from firemen to political figures, from teachers to bartenders to long-haul truckers, all have the capacity to be hurt on the job.
Crazy situations and people happen to us, but we cannot be held hostage by our fear because we also have to help one another every single day.
So I try to teach my kids to be brave and stand up but to also be careful and smart.
Simple things I remember my grandmother telling me years ago, to just be watchful and try hard not to put myself into bad situations.
I tell my kids the same thing, but tell them that because your father has to put himself in harm’s way, that when he is with us, we must always make sure he knows what he means to us. And so we do.
Sam: Crap again.
Jory: Do you know that you’re loved?
Sam: Of course.
Jory: Are you sure? You don’t sound so sure.
Sam: Oh for crissakes, I’m sure.
Jory: No need to yell.
DEAR JORY:
What’s one of the best things your husband has ever done for you and your kids?
Jory: After we watched Twilight—I know, don’t start.
My son spent the entire movie waiting for it to become a vampire movie, but I don’t care.
I liked the first one, I haven’t seen the others.
Not the point. What is the point is halfway through the movie, the love of my life stopped it, had us all go into the kitchen with him, and wrote up a contract that if any of us ever got bitten by a vampire, we’d all make each other one so we’d always be together.
We signed it in grape juice. It was very sweet.
Sam: I don’t remember that at all.
Jory: Uh-huh.
DEAR JORY:
What do you and your husband like to do together? What are your hobbies?
Jory: We—
Sam: Sex. We like to have sex.
Jory: Sam!
Sam: What?
Jory: We like to fish.
Sam: Liar! You hate fishing!
Jory: I do not.
Sam: Ohmygod you hate it so much! The last time we went you said you were sure that fishing was something you had to do in hell as punishment. You hate absolutely everything about it. Mostly, it’s way too quiet for you.
Jory: We like to take walks after dinner together, and he holds my hand and tells me about his day. I love that.
Sam: We have also started working on our backyard, and I have to say that it’s looking kind of nice back there. Who knew I could grow hydrangeas? And peonies?
Jory: And like it.
Sam: Yeah, that’s crazy.
Jory: I’ve also been thinking about getting a motorcycle.
Sam: No you have not.
Jory: Yes, I have. Stop—why’re you laughing? I could ride a motorcycle.
Sam: Go back to the sex, baby, because we still do that best. And over my dead body are you ever getting on a motorcycle, and that goes for everyone who lives in this house.
Jory: What?
Sam: Just go on to the next question.
DEAR JORY:
I have to start talking to my daughter about college, and right now I think she wants to either become a back-up singer for her favorite house band or create a web comic. Help.
Jory: Is your daughter a talented singer? An artist? What is her dream? Whatever it is, you have to support her while at the same time encouraging her to fly. Maybe college isn’t for her.
Sam: If she doesn’t know what she wants to be, you can tell her, while she’s figuring it out, she may as well take some classes.
Jory: But if school is not for her at all, you have to support her out of it as well.
Sam: If she has no concrete plan, college can help her figure it out.
Jory: But going on a journey of self-discovery is good too.
Sam: Don’t be in such a hurry to get rid of your kids. Some of them need longer in the nest.
Jory: But you also have to push them to spread their wings.
Sam: Yeah, but without having them fly so far away.
Jory: Even if they’re far away, they can always come home.
Sam: But without school and they’ve been on a walkabout for five years?
No. You have to sit with your kids and find out, what do they want to be?
If they for sure want to work for Pixar one day—then maybe it’s art college.
If, like my son, being a doctor is where their heart lies, then help them gear up for that.
You just have to have the talk. It’s that communication again. Everything begins and starts there.
Jory: Look at you being a fan of the talking.
Sam: Is that what I said?
Jory: It is.
And that’s all for this month. Everyone be safe out there.