August 2018
Hi, all, Jory Harcourt here, coming to you with my column that has been known to go off the rails every now and then, but this one will be absolutely on point as I bring you, questions—and hopefully good answers—the vacation edition!
Cue the trumpets.
This August me, my husband, and our two kids rented a houseboat on the Cincinnati River for a mini-vacation before school starts in September.
We usually do the family reunion trip once a year and then try and take another; just the four of us, in either late summer or late fall.
But we always go before Thanksgiving, because between any of the big holidays, you will not catch me on a plane.
Holiday flying makes me psycho—or as Sam says, more so than usual.
So after getting my brother-in-law to water the plants and collect our mail and dropping Chilly, our cat, and Dobby, our dog, off at Sam’s folks’ house—they love the dog, if you see them and they complain, it’s all lies—we got to the airport and started the trip…
DEAR JORY:
How much stuff is too much for your children to bring on a five-day vacation on a houseboat on the river?
Jory: Well…the duration of the trip really has no bearing on the sheer volume of crap—stuff—that your children will want to bring on a trip.
They should be allowed to bring whatever they want within reason, meaning every piece of electronic equipment they own does not have to go just in “case” they get bored.
There are so many things to do along a river anyway, like hiking and fishing and––
Sam: Like you would know.
Jory: —cataloging birds and perhaps even drawing them––
Sam: And between the sunscreen and the bug spray and everything else you put on ’em, no wonder all they wanted to do was swim.
Jory: ––for a school project or extra credit. There’s also the history of the region and taking day trips to important places where––
Sam: Your son just wants to Skype with his friends, and your daughter is on Instagram talking to God knows who!
Jory: ––important battles from the Revolutionary War were fought! The past could come alive as you––
Sam: You do not give a good goddamn––
Jory: I’m painting a picture!
Sam: No one who has ever met you thinks you hike.
Jory: Anyway––
Sam: You can glare at me all you like.
Jory: But you should make sure the kids limit their electronic devices so that during a family trip you can still have family time.
Sam: You cannot mandate social interaction with your children.
Jory: Like game night, which is always fun, especially when three people gang up on one to finally beat him at Monopoly.
Sam: I don’t remember that at all.
Jory: Family vacations in rural areas are fun and interactive.
Sam: Ohmygod, you’re gonna turn to stone if you keep lying.
Jory: I have no idea what you’re––
Sam: Tell them what really happened.
DEAR JORY:
What kind of hotel is the best to still have a romantic vacation with your spouse or partner even when you have your children with you?
Jory: When you leave a houseboat on day two of your vacation and are able to go instead to New Orleans, then it’s a wonderful change of scenery.
Going to a place that will appeal to kids because of swamp and ghost tours, and fun shops which will appeal to your spouse because of the music and food, will kick off an adventure, even if you end up saying I told you so over and over.
Sam: And over and over…
Jory: Your children will also love being away from Lyme disease and chiggers.
Sam: We were on a river for––
Jory: But most importantly, connecting rooms with a lock on your door is vital for making certain that you and your partner have private time while still knowing where your offspring are at all times.
Sam: As if after walking all day long from one end of the Quarter to the other that you’re gonna want to do anything but drop dead in your hotel room.
Jory: Some people have more stamina.
Sam: Yeah. Young people without kids!
Jory: Anyway. If your children stay in at night, ordering room service and watching movies, then you and your spouse can go out for a romantic evening as long as something doesn’t come up, like your kids are flipping through the channels and don’t accidentally order Debbie Does Demon Lords.
Sam: How did that even happen?
Jory: Don’t try and change the subject from romantic evenings, or shall I say, ruined romantic evenings.
Sam: I think we should talk about the porn some more.
Jory: Also, you can have a romantic evening if your spouse doesn’t see someone on the US Marshals most wanted list and runs off to catch him in a flying tackle.
Sam: You see, here’s the thing, when you take an oath––
Jory: Not to scare your husband to death!
Sam: Yes, that, but also to the arm of law enforcement that––
Jory: Vacation!
Sam: Yeah, but––
Jory: How can a relationship remain romantic when your husband is Superman?!
Sam: Wait.
Jory: This leads me to my last question.
DEAR JORY:
My husband’s job is very important to him, but I want to be important as well, and lately I’m not sure which one he needs more. Do you ever feel like that, and if so, how do you handle it?
Jory: When you finally get some alone time with your spouse and his job gets in the way, you have to ask yourself, is this an instance when you have to be second or not?
Sam: You’re not serious right now.
Jory: I think it’s hard sometimes, because people come home from doing different jobs, and it’s easy to ask, “How was your day?” and you’re really not even listening for the answer.
Also, I think it’s important for any long-term successful relationship to have times when really and truly the other person is the focus of your world.
You have to show people, as well as say, that they are the most important thing in your life.
Sam: What are you saying?
Jory: And I’m fortunate to have a husband who lets me know he loves me even as he says things like, “Hold on, baby, I just gotta take care of this one thing.”
Sam: Jesus, you just took ten years off my life. You know I love you more than anything.
Jory: I do. I just said that.
Sam: I can’t—be me without…us. All of us.
Jory: Yes, dear.
Sam: There’s no way I can go out in the world and be who I am without my family.
Jory: Come here. And after there was a pause for some hugging, I said, in answer to the question, that it’s a balancing act.
Sometimes one person needs more understanding, and then it shifts back.
But it must always shift back and forth.
Everyone has to feel like they matter, and in the midst of “life” you have to take time to look at your mate and say yes, you matter to me.
For me, my husband’s job is a huge part of who he is.
The whole to protect and serve is a living, breathing thing that if I asked him to give up, would kill him.
And that’s why I never would. But that’s not to say that me, being in his life, is any less needed.
In all relationships you have to look at the balance and ask, am I giving all that I can, even if the other person isn’t noticing right now?
But you can’t sell yourself short either, because being taken for granted only creates bitterness.
I always tell my kids, don’t just be good for me, do it for yourself as well.
Sam: And don’t agree to go on trips you’re gonna hate.
Jory: I didn’t hate the houseboat.
Sam: You so hated the houseboat. You hate camping and fishing and everything else.
Jory: But you love it.
Sam: I can go with my friends. I’ll go to New Orleans with you.
Jory: You see? Compromise and balance. A beautiful thing, as was the flying tackle you caught that guy in.
Sam: Pretty good for an old guy, am I right?
Jory: You’re not at all old, and yes, it was very hot.
Sam: Yeah?
Jory: Yes.
Okay, gotta go, this concludes this month’s column. Have a wonderful August, everyone!