October 2018
Hello, everyone, I’m Jory Harcourt, and I’m here to talk about Halloween costumes, as it’s right around the corner. I get questions that pertain to clothes all the time, and I think it gets even more interesting as it pertains to dressing up, so here we go.
DEAR JORY:
Jory: I think if you live anywhere cold, your daughter will freeze in a nude body suit as well as being barefoot.
That’s my understanding of a Lady Godiva costume.
It might be funny if she’s in a bodysuit with half a horse in front of her and half of it behind like she’s riding it, but I suspect that this is not the sexy look the boyfriend is going for.
I will admit to thinking that dressing up like the Marquis de Sade would be one of those boring costumes where you have to explain who you are all night, unless of course he’s wearing a powder wig and carrying a whip.
But even then, people might not get it. To me the whole thing sounds overly fussy.
Sam: None of what you just said answers her question.
Jory: Yes, it does. She’s asking about the costume.
Sam: No. She’s asking if you think she should let her underage daughter go dressed up as either of those people, and the answer is hell no. Or even, oh hell no. If he’s looking for a French theme, she can go as Joan of Arc or Marie Curie.
Jory: I think if he’s expecting her to dress up sexy for Halloween, she needs to examine if that’s what she wants to do.
There’s no reason for her not to do it if she wants to, because Halloween is for being someone or something you’re not.
But she’s also 16, so if she wants to be Lady Godiva, great, but they have to stay at your house and pass out candy to the kids.
There has to be a tradeoff since she’s only 16.
Now if he wants them to be Marie Antoinette & Louis XVI, both of them headless (because that would be awesome), then she can go to a party, because those are big heavy costumes with lots of layers so you have built-in protection right there.
But since she’s only 16, she can’t be out that late anyway.
Sam: Exactly.
Jory: If he’s thinking about majoring in French in college, this all makes some kind of sense. If he just thinks it’s hot or kinky—you need to have a talk with your daughter about how much she is or isn’t into this guy.
Sam: I can come talk to him. Just give me a call at the Federal Building in downtown Chicago. Better yet, I can send some marshals out to talk to this kid tomorrow.
Jory: That’s a big no on the Marquis de Sade’s girlfriend’s costume or Lady Godiva.
Sam: Huge no.
DEAR JORY:
My introverted 17-year-old son wants to be Thor for Halloween, but he doesn’t quite have the body for it, and I don’t want anyone to make fun of him. I was wondering if you thought I should steer him into another direction, like something funny.
Jory: If he wants to be Thor, he should be Thor. The point is how he feels in the costume, and maybe if he’s out there, being Thor, he will be super confident and will talk to lots of people and everyone will remember him being amazing as the god of thunder.
Sam: It’s wonderful that you’re concerned about how your kid is perceived, but how he feels is the most important thing.
That and looking as great as he can. Please do whatever you can to make that costume look as authentic as humanly possible.
Because if the costume is awesome, people will compliment him, he’ll feel good, he’ll interact more, and it’s win-win all around. ProTip: costume must be flawless.
Jory: I agree. Holy crap. Alert the media. The planets must be in alignment.
Sam: Don’t be a smartass.
DEAR JORY:
I allowed my daughter to have a Halloween party, and now we have at least thirty kids coming to hang out, watch movies, and maybe even dance downstairs in our basement.
She asked if the kids could have beer, and I am on the fence.
I told her I’m collecting keys, and I’ll be there all night to chaperone. But how do you feel about the drinking?
Jory: Underage drinking is a no just because, well, underage drinking for starters.
And even if you’re there, if some kid walks home and then takes a car out, you’re liable.
Of if they get hurt walking home because they dart across a street but are no longer coordinated and fall and get hit, you’re liable.
It’s like the guys who drink at bars after work and then drive home or the folks who drink at baseball games and then drive home—I think you’re in a weird area.
I think the rule should be that they can drink at your house only if the next morning when they’re hungover and barfy, they have to eat a nice greasy pork sandwich served in a dirty ashtray.
Sam: Weird Science reference. Nice.
Jory: I think you tell her no on the beer and explain that Halloween is on a Wednesday and going to school hungover would be a huge bummer.
Sam: And physically painful. You can take her to the drunk tank on Thursday morning and she can see all the college kids hacking up a lung. It will be educational.
Jory: Also gross.
Sam: So very gross.
DEAR JORY:
My daughter wants to go to her first Halloween costume party, but due to her social anxiety, she has to take her emotional support dog along. I’m concerned about her going at the same time I’m thrilled that she wants to. Thoughts?
Jory: I say let her go and think up something epic for her and her dog to be. Like Mabel and Waddles from Gravity Falls or Eleven, and have the dog be either Dart or a full-grown Demogorgon, or even a Demodog.
Sam: She could be Daenerys Targaryen, and the dog could be one of her dragons.
Jory: Little Red Riding Hood, and her dog could be the wolf, or flip it around. That would be better.
Sam: Anything that goes together like peas and carrots, peanut butter and jelly, or they could both be skeletons. Whatever they go as, the other kids will love.
DEAR JORY:
What are some costumes you have worn for Halloween over the years?
Jory: I was Cleopatra one year, and my friend Dylan was Marc Antony, which was dorky but fun. I was also a rent boy one year, and my date was my pimp, but that got weird and confusing and I almost got booked for solicitation.
Sam: Of course you did.
Jory: I was an angel one year, and I was out on a balcony, and the wind caught the wings funny and that was touch and go for a second.
Sam: Christ.
Jory: I was Peter Pan, which came off kinda porny, and a pirate and a hit man.
Sam: Did you have a gun?
Jory: I had a water gun.
Sam: Thank God. The idea of you with a firearm is terrifying.
Jory: That’s why you’re going to teach me.
Sam: When did I agree to that?
Jory: Years ago.
Sam: I don’t think that was me. I think that was your other husband.
Jory: Must have been.
Sam: …
Jory: Don’t growl. We both know it was you, because I’ve never had another husband or another love. You’re the only one.
Sam: Fine. I’ll take you to the shooting range.
Jory: Thank you, dear.
DEAR JORY:
I really want to dress up as something super slutty for Halloween this year to shock my boyfriend. He thinks I’m such a Goody Two-shoes, and I want to show him that there are many facets of me. What do you think I should be?
Jory: If you’re dressing up for you, to feel strong and powerful and sexy—that’s awesome. But don’t be something different from you just for him.
Sam: Be Sandy from Grease. That’ll let him know things’ve changed.
Jory: Really?
Sam: What? They both changed. Danny became a jock, traded in his leathers for the letterman sweater, and Sandy went all black Lycra bodysuit and red heels.
What would be really funny is if she suggests that that’s what they go as, and when he shows up in the T-Bird leather jacket and slicked-back hair thinking he’s picking up Sandy at the beginning of the movie in a poodle skirt and ponytail and she comes out like end-of-the-movie Sandy instead.
Jory: They might not make it to the party.
Sam: They can have their own party.
Jory: No doubt.
DEAR JORY:
What are you and your kids and your hubby all going to be for Halloween this year? And do you all dress up as a family or as individuals?
Jory: We do both. Last year my daughter was Bruce Lee from Enter the Dragon, and she looked amazing in the yellow jumpsuit, and my son was Captain Reynolds, one of his favorites, and his two best friends were Wash and Badger.
I was an angel, and so was Chilly, our cat, because I got him a tiny pair of wings that he wore all night.
Dobby, our Chihuahua, was a werewolf, which was so funny I almost pissed myself laughing. He looked ridiculous.
Sam: Yes, he did, and making him wear that was mean.
Jory: Last year my husband had to work, but the year before he was Hutch and I was Starsky and I rocked the belted Starsky sweater.
Sam: It was horrible.
Jory: It was hot. And my husband in brown corduroy bell-bottoms, a yellow turtleneck, and a long maroon pleather jacket was probably one of the greatest moments of my life.
Sam: Your life needs a better highlight reel.
Jory: I wanted to climb you like a tree.
Sam: Really? That’s oversharing.
Jory: I wonder if we still have that stuff somewhere.
Sam: The only thing that was good about that costume is that I got to wear my shoulder holster and no one thought twice about it.
Jory: The best part of that costume was how amazing your ass looked in those pants.
Sam: God.
Jory: Don’t shake your head at me!
Sam: This year the four of us are going as Ghostbusters, and it should be fun.
Jory: I’m so excited! Aaron is making the proton packs for us.
Sam: What?
Jory: Hannah asked him to, so somebody is making them, and then afterwards, he’s donating them in her name for an auction to benefit the homeless shelters in the city.
Sam: We don’t need Aaron Sutter to make anything.
Jory: You’re coming late to the party. She asked a month ago when you finally gave in and said you’d go as Venkman.
Sam: How do these things keep happening to me?
Jory: It’s gonna be amazeballs.
DEAR JORY:
What do you do after the trick-or-treaters are gone and the party is over and it’s just you and your family?
Jory: Every year, so far, on Halloween, we eat tacos and watch Sleepy Hollow with Johnny Depp and Christina Ricci and finish it off by having candy apples that I put in the freezer first so they slice easy.
I hope it stays our tradition as long as it can, but I know things will change as the kids get older.
We leave the candles going in the pumpkins until after midnight, when it goes from being Halloween to All Saint’s Day, and then, and only then, do I blow them out.
Don’t want any stray spirits in the house.
The next day all the decorations go down that are Halloween themed, and I leave up all the fall stuff and put out the Thanksgiving pillows, towels, the wreath on the door and over the mantel, the candlesticks, and all the rest of it.
Sam: And by “it” you mean a lot of crap.
Jory: If you’d prefer to decorate, then you—
Sam: No. Hell no. I’m just saying, it’s a lot of stuff.
Jory: Until it goes away to make room for the Christmas decorations.
Sam: Oh God.
Jory: It’s important.
Sam: Yes, dear, I know, and you make everything warm and inviting and beautiful.
Jory: Nice save, Marshal.
Sam: I try.
That’s it, everyone. Have a safe and happy Halloween, and I’ll talk to you in November!