December 2018
Hello, all, Jory Harcourt here to answer all your holiday questions and get this season kicked off right!
DEAR JORY:
During the holiday season my husband and I can sometimes feel disconnected with all that we do for kids and parents and the parties and everything else. Is there a way to make sure that romance stays alive besides presents or the forced kiss on New Year’s?
Jory: There are a lot of ways to keep intimacy alive during the holidays. Experimentation can be helpful. I myself recently tried nyotaimori, because I thought it would be something fun for me and my husband to––
Dylan: Ohmygod, Jory, I can promise you that you and Sam are not the two people on my Christmas card list who need to worry about intimacy.
Chris: What is nyo-whatever?
Jory: Why are you two in here, and why are you reading over my shoulder?
Dylan: Because it’s fun? Is that really a question?
Jory: Just go back out there with Sam and wait for—
Dylan: For your information, Christopher, nyotaimori is where you eat sushi off naked women, though I guess you could eat it off men too if you got a big enough covering for the penis or––
Jory: Don’t say penis, the kids might hear you.
Dylan: Your kids are upstairs killing demons and you really think they’ve never heard anyone say the word penis before?
Chris: I find that very hard to believe.
Jory: Go away. I’ll be done in a few minutes.
Dylan: Were you naked on the kitchen table?
Chris: What?
Dylan: Oh calm down.
Chris: You could warn people.
Jory: You’re not supposed to be in––
Dylan: The naked is not the big news here. I can’t believe Sam ate sushi.
Chris: Ohmygod that’s right!
Jory: Could you not yell in my ear while I’m—
Chris: I didn’t yell.
Dylan: Yes, you did. You’re overly excited about this news.
Chris: Well, it just opens up more options for places we can eat.
Dylan: That’s valid.
Sam: Why are you yelling?
Chris: You ate raw fish? I thought you were the reason we never have sushi.
Jory: I’m writing a column here. Can you all just go away until I’m done? I told you earlier I’d have to excuse myself for just a—
Sam: I don’t eat raw anything.
Chris: Ah-hah! See, that’s what I thought.
Jory: And why are you in here now?
Sam: Is that what the altar thing was all about? The nyo-thing?
Jory: It wasn’t an altar; it was the leaves and flowers that go around the naked body when you—oh shut up. Go away!
Sam: Why weren’t you naked on the table? I would have liked that part.
Chris: Just to satisfy my curiosity, did you use sliders or something?
Dylan: Or pigs in a blanket?
Jory: All of you…get out.
Dylan: You used Bagel Bites, didn’t you? That’s why there were none left for Hannah and Kola’s epic Diablo marathon tonight.
Jory: I hate you all.
Chris: They didn’t burn you?
Dylan: Did you put them on your—you know?
Jory: Get out!
Sam: Who cares about the food, naked on the table would have been great. What happened? Why didn’t I get to see that?
Jory: Just never mind.
Sam: You’re kidding, right?
Jory: Ugh, fine. Our stupid cat kept jumping up on the table and batting them off me, and I kept shooing him away, but he finally knocked one down to Dobby, who ate it faster than I could roll off the table, and then he promptly barfed, and then the cat threw up a hairball in solidarity, and by then I—Sam, stop laughing!
Dylan: I don’t think nyotaimori and pets mix.
Chris: I’m gonna go with no.
Jory: I give up. Clearly, I shouldn’t be giving advice to anyone.
Sam: No. That’s not true. Come here. You can do this later…
Jory: But, Sam, I’m supposed to be telling…people…oh…how to stay—stay close during…oh…
Dylan: Ugh. Stop that. You see? This is what I’m talking about. You two don’t need to worry about intimacy or—Sam, put him down and get back to the couch or we win!
Hannah: That’s the answer to the question.
Dylan: Oh, sweetie, you startled me. Where did you come from?
Hannah: Kola and I need sustenance.
Dylan: Gotcha. Did you hear us talking?
Hannah: I heard Pa starting his column when we first came down. Is that what you mean?
Chris: Yes. That’s what she means.
Hannah: Well, I can tell him that the answer to the question of how to stay connected during the holidays is to be like him and Dad. Everybody just needs to kiss and hug and be all over each other all the time.
Kola: These are first-world problems.
Hannah: Don’t be such a—ohmygod, I just had the best idea in the history of ever.
Kola: No.
Dylan: Well, we’re going to go finish beating your parents at Pictionary.
Hannah: Uh-huh.
Kola: Come on, let’s go finish killing—
Hannah: I’m going to do the column.
Kola: No.
Hannah: Yes! He’ll be so surprised. He loves it when we take initiative.
Kola: You don’t know anything about grown-ups and their problems.
Hannah: I won’t pick those; I’ll pick different ones.
Kola: No. Just—are you listening to me?
Hi there, everyone! My name is Hannah Kage, and I’m taking over this December column of He Said, he said for my father and bringing you a fresh perspective on all things holidayish.
Kola: Not a word.
Hannah: And here we go…
DEAR JORY:
What are some of the traditions you have for the holidays, and how did those come about?
Hannah: Watching holiday movies is something we do in our house.
We watch Die Hard because, you know, it ain’t Christmas until Hans Gruber plummets to his death.
And I know that’s not very “Christmassy,” but what can you do?
We watch Home Alone, which drives my dad nuts because of the inept police department, The Ref, ditto on the police for Dad, A Christmas Story, and sometimes Elf.
We watch them together in a pile on the couch, and we eat the worst things ever.
It’s our marathon Christmas Eve tradition, because we drive around a lot on the actual day.
First, we go to our nana and grandpa’s house for breakfast and open presents and visit with them.
Then we go to a homeless shelter and stay most of the day, and then around five, we go to Uncle Dane’s house and have dinner.
The next day, on the 26th, Pa cooks, and we all get our favorite things or whatever we decided we wanted.
Last year my brother asked for moussaka, and I got lobster mac ’n’ cheese, Dad requested beef stroganoff, and Pa ate a little of everything.
It’s our own celebration that started because Dad wanted us to have our own thing.
We love our family, our big one, but he wanted us to have our own quiet holiday part too.
DEAR JORY:
There are always people on my list, like my father, who I have no idea what to get.
They are all older than me, have more money, so if they want something, then they can just get whatever it is for themselves.
Also, my father is not the sentimental type that will cry if I make him a special ornament, you know? Help!
Hannah: My grandpa is the same way. Like when we used to give him those ornaments we made in class, he’d hold it like he was handling plutonium and be all, oh how nice, and then ditch it somewhere.
It’s not that he doesn’t love us; he’s just not all that sentimental.
Ditto for my uncle Dane. Ditto again for my uncle Aaron, and getting them ties or scarves or gloves just won’t cut it.
And my uncle Dane loathes coffee mugs, and my uncle Aaron finds them vile (their words), so I feel your pain.
I finally figured out different things to do for the difficult men in my life.
For my uncle Dane who is very socially conscious, I donate a month of my allowance to a charity in his name and then I give him the confirmation letter for Christmas.
He really loves it. For my grandpa, I give him a certificate for a day out that I create an itinerary for, and I make it and give it to him every year.
He actually has all the old certificates.
He doesn’t like to plan, so I do it for him, and we normally go in, like, April or May.
We start with breakfast at this place he likes downtown that is tiny where everyone knows him and you can still smoke in the back.
Ugh. But then we walk around or we fish or we go see the Cubbies play or we golf.
He likes to golf, and I’m not awful at it.
But it’s the whole day, and we have fun, and it’s just ours, and everybody knows that.
It’s the same for my uncle Aaron, but I don’t plan his day, I let him do it, and we do things like go to New York to see a show that he’d never fess up to liking.
Anyway, Pa always says that your time is always the best gift, so I go with that.
Your father might want it to just be you and him for a whole day with nobody else.
You just have to make sure you clear your plate so there are no distractions. I even leave my phone at home.
DEAR JORY:
Normally my friends and I go out on New Year’s, but I would really love to have a party instead where people could come and relax and not have to worry about getting home at the end of the night (I have lots of room), or putting on fancy party clothes or having to shop for the perfect outfit.
My issue is that for some people, being out is easier because if they don’t have a date, then they can just be outside for a smoke or in the bathroom when the ball drops.
If I’m having a party, what do I do about those folks?
Kola: My sister wanted me to take this one because I will have no date this year. We were together, but then she wanted to date other people, but then when she decided that she wanted me back, I didn’t think that was such––
Hannah: Not about you.
Kola: Fine. So every year me and my folks and my sister go to a party at my uncle Aaron’s house, and we stay until the ball drops and everybody just kisses everybody and I have never seen anyone not get kissed and it’s never a big deal.
I also think it depends on the people. Don’t assume that all your friends want a veg-out game night for New Year’s.
Some people love getting all dressed up and going out and drinking champagne at midnight.
I know this because my uncle Aaron used to be the guy that had to find the wildest party ever and go to that.
Now, being with my uncle Duncan is what he likes best. And then there are people like my grandparents who always go out on New Year’s to a huge party and dance until the early morning hours.
I think you send out invitations, tell people it’s going to be chill, and if they’d rather not, then that’s cool, but for sure don’t not show up because there’s no one to kiss.
Make sure they know that you’ve got them all covered.
Hannah: That wasn’t horrible.
Kola: Shut it, B.
DEAR JORY:
My husband and I can’t afford to get our kids much this year because of changing finances, and we’re worried that they’ll think that Santa shortchanged them. What should we do?
Hannah: My favorite thing about Christmas has never been all my loot but instead playing a video game with my dad or baking with Pa or watching TV with my family or having a dance-off with my Pa or sitting up on the roof and––
Kola: You’re not supposed to be on the roof.
Hannah: Buzzkill.
Kola: What?
Hannah: This goes back to that time business, and I know that a lot of people have to work on the holidays because my dad still has to because he rotates with his men for the holidays, and I mean all of them all through the year for everybody like Navaratri or the first day of Muharram, Yom Kippur and Thanksgiving, Mawlid-al-Nabi and Hanukkah and Christmas, just to name a few.
So I get that sometimes we all have to miss important times, but if you can say the day after or a week after and make absolute plans and stick to them, well, for serious your kids will like that the best. I know I do, and everyone in my house is always busy, so it’s nice when we all slow down.
And everybody knows that the best part of playing a new video game is having someone there to watch you do it or playing a board game all together.
Uno is also excellent as long as no one cheats.
Kola: I don’t cheat. There are house rules you just don’t remember.
Hannah: Playing with your parents is the best gift ever. I promise.
Kola: That’s accurate.
Hannah: Ugh.
Kola: Just be done already. You’re boring people to death.
Okay, so that’s it for me. My pa will be back next year to share with you how our New Year’s went, and hopefully he won’t accidentally almost kill himself like last year. Happy Holidays, everyone!