Chapter Eight
Miles didn’t text Jun for a full week after that, and Jun didn’t try to reach out either, which Miles didn’t know how to take, but in the scheme of things it didn’t really matter one way or another, so he didn’t dwell on it.
It wasn’t that he was too scared to text, exactly, at least not like he’d been before, but more like he was putting off the inevitable. Because he was now officially out of the denial phase and had been doing some serious thinking.
He was going to keep Jun’s baby.
There really hadn’t been any other choice in the first place, if he was being honest with himself, but now he could think it freely.
Now, though, his whole focus had to be on getting his life together.
He booked extra sessions with his therapist for the weeks ahead, raided the library for every parenting book he could find, and started following parenting blogs and streamers instead of video game ones.
If he was going to do this, he was going to do it right.
But doing it right meant that he couldn’t keep playing this game with Jun.
He was Icarus, Jun was the sun, and the anonymity of the internet was the dark space between them that was steadily decreasing in length as he threatened to fly too close, and it wasn’t sustainable.
What was he going to do? Just text Jun for the rest of his life, talking about a child Jun had no idea they shared? It wasn’t just stupid, it was cruel.
He still couldn’t bring himself to force the responsibility onto his shoulders, either.
Jun did tours. He worked odd hours. He had fans that Miles knew he cared about, and he knew it would devastate him if he ever let them down.
Jun deserved to make a family on his own terms, with someone who had the courage to be the type of partner he needed.
As bad as he wanted his fairy-tale ending, he knew that he needed to just be content with caring for and loving his child. He’d always have that piece of Jun to carry with him, and that wasn’t nothing. In fact, it felt like a whole lot of something.
He was in his bed when he typed out his final message. The same bed where they’d had such a momentous night together. The same bed where Miles had read the results of the pregnancy test. The same bed where he’d sent that first DM.
It was fitting, then, that it was in this bed that he sent Jun a goodbye.
Miles: Sorry it took me so long to reply.
I wasn’t ignoring you, I was just a little overwhelmed.
Or, ig, a lot overwhelmed lol. Not just with your message, but with everything.
I’m a chronic overthinker at the best of times, so to say I’ve been being whipped around inside a panic hurricane that’s been progressively growing in strength as it moves through the ocean of my crippling anxiety would be putting it mildly.
Poetic as shit, though. That was a pretty good metaphor, huh?
At least I’ve got something going for me.
Miles: If you could see the way I’m facepalming rn. Panic hurricane. Jfc.
Miles: I’m stalling, I know I am. It’s just that I don’t know what to say.
You are so so so kind to me, and you have no reason to be.
I think the guy you spent the night with could have really fallen in love with you if he’d just had the courage to give you a call.
But you deserve someone who has that courage.
Someone who has their shit together enough to at least not be terrified to pick up the damn phone.
You deserve someone who is strong enough to fight their own demons just for the chance to talk to you.
You’ll find someone like that, no doubt about it, and eventually your feelings for him will fade, and it’ll be his loss.
Biggest loss of his life, I’m willing to bet.
I’m sorry that it’s hurt you this much, though.
Miles: As for your offers… It’s too much.
Please don’t think I’m not appreciative, it’s just that you don’t owe me anything, and I’m the one who got myself into this situation in the first place.
The guy I was with wanted to be careful, and I swore to him that it was safe, and like, I really did think it was, okay?
I wasn’t trying to trap him or anything like that.
I was just stupid about how my new birth control worked. So so so fucking stupid.
Miles: I think I know what I’m going to do about it, but I can’t ask him to give up his life to do it with me.
We were supposed to be passing ships in the night, not fucking tied together forever.
And he was a really good guy, so I know that if I called him he would do the “noble” thing, but I don’t want him to do it bc he feels like he has to.
Mb it’s selfish, but I’m so scared that he’d come to resent me and the…
baby. My baby. Ha. That’s the first time I’ve said that to someone else.
Miles: I should have never bothered you, Jun. You’ve been a really big comfort to me, more than you know, and I really, really hope you find someone who is worth your love, bc I think you have a lot to give.
Miles: I’m gonna… idek. Sit on my bed and watch the pigeons on my windowsill. One of them laid a couple eggs last week, funny enough. Guess I’ll take my advice from them until my copy of What to Expect arrives in the mail.
Miles: I’ll be ok, though. I know I’ll be ok. It’s just gonna take some time.
Miles: Take care of yourself, Jun. And thanks for everything. You have no idea what it’s meant to me. You have no idea.