Chapter 16
Five dives to go
Shortly after I wake up, Vanessa and Miguel start readying our gear for the night dive. The sun is slowly starting to edge towards the horizon. Our dive is scheduled for right after the sun goes down. With the complete absence of any artificial light, the reef goes dark in a matter of minutes. I try and forget about the feel of Hugh’s chest under my cheek, and instead pull back up the photos of the butterfly w-rasse, trying to strategise how to give myself a better chance at spotting one tomorrow.
I’m lost in thought when Pippa bounces off the hammock and comes to stand next to me.
‘Aren’t we lucky?’ she says, gesturing out at the ocean. ‘I can’t wait to dive again tomorrow. And again, after that!’
‘We really are,’ I agree. ‘It’s amazing how much scuba can open you up to what’s underwater. It’s like a whole new world.’
‘I couldn’t agree more,’ says Andrew, sidling up next to me. ‘How often did you say you get to do this?’
‘Not as much as you’d think, actually. It’s been ages.’ Does Andrew know Ohio isn’t near an ocean? I think.
‘But isn’t this a work trip? Aren’t you looking for something?’
I nod. ‘I am looking for a fish, but sadly, my lab didn’t subsidise it.’
‘Because they know you won’t find it,’ Hugh grumbles, appearing so close behind me that I jump.
‘Don’t you have better things to do than bother me?’ I ask. ‘Last time I checked you were “working” too, but all you seem to do is nap.’
Andrew laughs. ‘Right, the marine biologist rivalry.’
‘Exactly,’ says Hugh.
‘So, what do you do, Andrew?’ I ask, pivoting the topic away from the butterfly wrasse. Andrew explains that he works on corporate strategy for a whole foods conglomerate. Despite the dryness of his job title, he has so much enthusiasm for it that I find myself bobbing my head along to his explanation of how shipping lines and currency exchanges affect egg prices at the grocery store.
‘Sweetheart,’ Pippa says eventually, laying a hand on Andrew’s shoulder, ‘you’re gonna bore them to tears.’
‘You’re not boring us!’ I say quickly, shooting Pippa a ‘be nice’ look. But Andrew laughs it off and says he probably should go get a glass of water. Hugh goes with him.
‘I love him to pieces,’ Pippa says once they’re out of earshot, ‘but he can really carry on about that job.’
I shrug my shoulders. ‘It would be nice to have a job you love.’
‘You don’t love yours?’ she asks.
‘Not even a little.’ I realise my mistake as I watch the surprise bloom on Pippa’s face. She opens her mouth like she’s about to ask who in their right mind wouldn’t love being a marine biologist.
‘I mean,’ I backtrack furiously, ‘it’s an expression. I don’t love it a little, I love it a lot!’
She looks at me quizzically, but an errant strand of her hair whips in the wind and snags her lip, distracting her enough that the moment passes.
‘Wait,’ I say, redirecting us to the beginning of our conversation. ‘Did you say you’re not diving again until tomorrow?’
Pippa nods vigorously. ‘Oh, I can’t be bothered with night diving, are you kidding me!’ She shudders as if she’s already imagining things touching her in the pitch-black ocean.
‘So, Andrew will be without a partner . . .’ I say, casting a glance over at Hugh, who’s chatting with Natalie and Derek.
‘Yeah,’ Pippa says. ‘He really wants to see that bloody octopus.’
Before I can overthink it, I lean back away from the railing and motion to Hugh. ‘Buddies for the night dive?’ I mouth. I already had one shark encounter. I can’t take my chances on having someone else as a buddy, I need someone I can trust. Someone who I’m already comfortable with.
Hugh winks at me.
Pippa interrupts her musings on why jellyfish are scarier than sharks to give me a meaningful look.
‘What?’ I ask, feigning innocence.
‘Oh, you know what I’m talking about, Millie,’ she replies sweetly. ‘Oh, Hugh?’ She whispers under her breath in a fake American accent. ‘He’s the worst. We’re just friends . . . not even friends really.’ She carries on, mimicking what I had said to her before.
I swat at her, rolling my eyes, but her American accent is atrocious and I can’t help but laugh. I wait until I regain my composure before saying, ‘There is nothing going on. I am working.’
Pippa rolls her eyes. ‘Working?’ she asks. ‘Seriously? That is such codswallop.’
‘ Codswallop? ’
‘You know what I mean. Nonsense!’
‘No, it’s not!’ I argue. ‘I have stuff riding on this trip. It’s important to me and I promised myself I would make the most of it. I only asked Hugh because he’s the best diver here.’
‘If you say so,’ Pippa replies, but I can tell by her face she doesn’t believe a word coming out of my mouth.
Vanessa lugs an air tank by us, Miguel following close behind with another. Miguel and I make eye contact as he passes, and he stares at me a beat longer than usual. ‘You’re going to be great,’ he says encouragingly. This does not escape Pippa, who elbows me as we scoot to the captain’s room to get out of their way.
Thankfully, everyone’s already seated, so I’m spared Pippa’s commentary on Miguel. Hugh and I are next to each other in our usual spots. We’re not touching but we’re close. I can feel the heat coming off his skin – like he absorbed the sun and now he’s radiating the heat back out. At some point during my conversation with Pippa, he’s wet his hair and ran a hand through it, because now it looks nicely mussed and doesn’t resemble a haystack as much as it did before. Natalie and Derek are seated to the left of us with his camera equipment between them. I fight the urge to groan when I see it. I’m already jittery enough about the idea of a night dive, the last thing I want is to be waiting for Derek while a shark sniffs around. I hope Vanessa tells him he can’t bring it.
Andrew and Pippa are nestled together opposite Hugh and me, looking every bit the lovebirds they were when the trip started. I’ll miss them when this is over, and I wonder if they’ll want to stay in touch. Then I remember that Andi hasn’t met Andrew and Pippa, Millie has.
‘I can’t wait to bring this bad boy back out there,’ Derek says to no one in particular, patting the camera that sits in between him and Natalie. ‘I hope we see a shark tonight.’ He grins. ‘The guys at work will love it.’
No one responds to Derek – I chalk this up to the fact that he sounds like the Texan frat boy he is.
‘I didn’t know you were supposed to bring your camera on night dives,’ I say finally. It’s a lie, but I’m hoping someone (Vanessa) jumps on it and tells Derek that he has to leave his camera behind. I also hate awkward silences. I am, to a fault, reliably polite.
‘Oh yeah,’ Derek says with a grin. ‘I mean, in Texas you can do anything you want.’
‘Hmm.’
‘They even give you more air in Texas,’ Derek whispers, his eyes glinting.
‘But you’re not supposed to fill up tanks more than regulation,’ I remind him.
‘If you pay enough, you can do whatever you want.’
I feel Hugh stiffen beside me.
‘That sounds super safe,’ I say, a tight smile on my face.
The air seems to crackle with tension. Even Pippa and Andrew have quieted.
‘It’s my choice,’ Derek says defiantly, ‘and isn’t everybody all up in arms about “choice” these days?’
White-hot rage courses through me at his dismissive mention of the right to choose. I force myself to take a deep breath. The ocean is not the place for politics, I remind myself. I need to stay calm before this dive, I cannot afford to jump underwater with my heart already beating out of my ears.
Derek looks at me smugly, knowing he’s riled me up. Before I can open my mouth to respond, Hugh interjects.
‘I’m not sure if you can just “choose” to break the law, mate. Those rules are in place for the safety of dive instructors too. It’s not cool to pay more and expect them to compromise their own safety.’
Derek opens and closes his mouth twice, looking exactly like a fish, before he excuses himself to go prep his camera, clearly at a loss for words.
Only when he leaves does Hugh finally relax his ramrod posture.
‘Thanks,’ I whisper.
‘He was being a right dick,’ Hugh whispers back. ‘But for the record, it’s now the second time I’ve rescued you.’
‘I didn’t know I needed rescuing.’
‘Well,’ he muses, ‘I guess you’ve bitten my head off plenty. Maybe I should have let you do it to someone else for a change. But you seemed to be floundering so I think that counts as a second point in my favour.’
‘I didn’t know we were keeping score,’ I murmur.
‘As long as I’m winning, we’re always keeping score.’ Hugh crosses his arms in front of his chest and grins.
Despite how annoyed I am at Derek, I can’t keep my lips from curling up into a smile.
As time marches towards the night dive my anxiety grows. We are supposed to start our descent in a little over an hour. When Pippa starts joking about us all going on the night dive to our deaths, I snap at her. I apologise as soon as the words leave my mouth, but I definitely don’t feel like myself. My anxiety is getting to me. I vow to spend the remainder of the evening, at least before the night dive, by myself.
Alone in the cabin, I lie down on the small twin bed. Everyone else is upstairs, chatting or reading or asking Aaron more questions about his life before he was a captain – he dived commercially to harvest sea cucumbers, which is something I would find very cool if I wasn’t totally stressed. I toss and turn, a ball of nerves. I wish I knew how Millie was doing. I wish I had proof of the wrasse already. I’m glad it’s a foregone conclusion that I won’t see them tonight. They’re not as active at night, and I don’t have a camera that takes night photos.
I turn on my side and pick at the peeling paint in the corner of the room. Maybe I should just opt out of the night dive. There’s no reason for me to do it. I’m anxious and I need some rest. If I don’t do the dive, I’ll be better prepared for tomorrow. That settles it, I think. No night dive for me.
I arrive at this conclusion just when Hugh knocks softly on the door.
‘Millie?’ he asks.
‘Come in.’ I stare at the ceiling.
‘Are you OK?’ Hugh says finally, sitting down on the bunk bed below and across from me. I know he’s looking up at me, but I can’t bring myself to meet his eyes.
‘Yeah, just tired.’
‘You’ll find the wrasse tomorrow,’ he says after a pause.
‘You really think so?’
‘I do.’
Somehow Hugh being so encouraging about something he doesn’t want to happen just makes me feel worse.
‘Hugh, I don’t think I’m gonna do the night dive . . . If you want to ask Andrew to partner . . .’
‘Andrew?’ Hugh sputters. ‘You want me to partner with Andrew on a night dive? Even during the daytime, he can’t tell the ocean floor from the sky!’
‘Shh!’ I hiss, but despite my mood, he gets a laugh out of me. Hugh’s right, Andrew will have a harder time controlling his buoyancy in the dark, which is a recipe for disaster.
‘Why don’t you want to go?’
‘I don’t know I’m just . . .’ I trail off. I’m scared. I’m sad. I’m disappointed. I practically just explained to Pippa how much I need to focus . None of which I really want to get into with Hugh.
Hugh drops his voice lower and says, ‘The ocean in the dark freaks me out too.’
‘It does?’ I can’t bear to look at him.
‘Yeah, it does. I’ve done a lot of night dives and they don’t get easier. But I’ll be next to you the whole time.’
‘But it’s so dark ,’ I whisper.
Hugh stands up, his head almost brushing the ceiling, and steps closer to my bunk. ‘Hey,’ he says softly, ‘have you ever seen anyone doing a night dive? Like, have you ever been on a boat while people go underwater?’
I shake my head.
‘Well . . .’ He pauses, and I turn to look at him. We’re as close as we’ve been to each other, his face mere inches from mine. ‘You’re just going to have to believe me then,’ he continues, ‘but from the boat, you can see all of us really easily. We’ll each have a flashlight, and they’re so bright that Aaron and Pippa will be able to track us, no problem. So if that makes you feel better, you don’t need to be as nervous. You have people you trust looking after you.’
‘I do trust Pippa,’ I admit.
‘Exactly,’ Hugh says. ‘And Aaron knows his Tripadvisor ratings will really plummet if they lose somebody. He’ll have your back.’
The tension in my chest begins to ease. I give Hugh a half-hearted smile. ‘OK,’ I say in a small voice, ‘I guess I’ll go.’
‘There we go.’ He grins. ‘I knew you wouldn’t let me down, wrasse girl!’
‘Wrasse girl?’ I exclaim. ‘That’s my nickname now? That nickname sucks!’
‘I can see how it’s not the most appealing of nicknames. But you are obsessed with them . . . I could call you w-rassie instead?’
‘Hugh,’ I say in a falsely menacing tone, ‘I do not like either of those.’
Hugh steps back from the bunk as I climb down to the floor.
‘Seeing as it’s three to one,’ he says, tapping a finger on his chin, his eyes sparkling, ‘I’m fairly sure I can call you whatever I want.’
‘That is not fair,’ I say, ‘technically I would have stood up for myself with Derek. And I would have gone on the night dive! Eventually . . . I think . . . I just needed a minute.’
‘OK, how about this? If you go on the night dive, I’ll never call you wrassie again.’
‘Or wrasse girl,’ I counter.
‘Deal.’
‘Deal.’ I realise I’m smiling, something I thought would be impossible before the night dive. ‘Thank you, Hugh,’ I say, a few seconds later. ‘You’re not as bad as I thought.’
‘What?’
‘Don’t make me repeat myself,’ I whine, shucking off my cover-up and tossing it onto the bed. I know when we get upstairs we will immediately have to change into our stinger suits.
‘Millie,’ Hugh says, a few seconds later, the playfulness gone from his voice. ‘Before we go upstairs, I have to tell you something.’
My heart stops. This sounds bad. I freeze. Natalie . Did Natalie say something? His voice is heavy, like he’s about to tell me something serious. I knew I should have stopped him from talking to her.
‘What is it?’ My voice is squeaky and high-pitched.
Hugh takes a deep breath and starts speaking quickly. ‘I know I was just the one convincing you to go on the night dive, but the ocean at night kind of creeps me out. Everything I said was as much for me as it was for you,’ he says, breathless as he finishes his sentence. ‘There, I said it. I just thought you should know because . . . because you’ll be my buddy. And we’ll both be scared.’
I don’t realise I’m holding my breath until I have to pull in a lungful of air to sigh with relief. I’m so tempted to reach for his hand that mine twitches at my side. I place it on the wooden frame of the bed instead.
Hugh is waiting for me to say something, his eyes wide.
‘Thank you for telling me,’ I smile softly, ‘but I can’t believe you just convinced me to be your buddy, you already had to save me from a shark!’
‘What was I thinking?’ Hugh says sarcastically, throwing his hands up in fake frustration. But he laughs, half-heartedly, and I know we both feel relieved after being honest with each other.
‘That you wanted to spend more time with me,’ I say. ‘Let’s go get ready, we’ll be fine, I think.’
‘I’m not so sure about that,’ Hugh groans, but he follows me upstairs anyway. Instead of thinking about the night dive, another thought is crowding my headspace – Hugh’s face when he’s worried how someone will react, like a little-boy version of himself, with his eyes wide and his nose scrunched, might be the most captivating thing I’ve seen yet.