Chapter 16
I wake up to someone's annoying text messages. I don't open my eyes right away because it's too painful right now, after last night. I fell asleep only a few hours ago and my head is splitting terribly.
Still, I pick up my phone and read the text message.
Oh, shit. I get up, grab my things, and call Mr Jonson on the run.
"I was in university, I didn't see your text, but I'm running to you," I don't know how believable my answer sounds, but I hope it's enough.
Especially believable if you consider that it's Saturday morning. Shit.
"It's okay, we're waiting for you."
I hang up and run to the shower.
Before I get to the hospital, I take a few painkillers and eat a pack of gum.
The nurse at the reception informs me that they are waiting for me in the room, and I run there at the last second.
"So, such a complicated operation is waiting for us today, all the interns can be present and observe the process, there are folders on the table with detailed descriptions of the victim and his injuries, please read them," Mr Jonson finishes speaking.
"You look terrible, darley," Danylo whispers to me.
"And you look surprisingly well, do you want to share a secret?"
"Don't drink, Amelia, especially when you know you have to work tomorrow."
"And how does the phrase "not drinking" apply to you?"
"Actually, I don't drink."
"Yeah," I laugh, "especially when you’re at my brother's apartment."
"For your information, I didn't drink then either. One bottle of beer doesn't count."
"Oh, so you're that awful even when you're not drunk?" "And are you always such a bitch?" Danylo smiles.
Mr Jonson finishes his speech, I take one of the folders and leave the room.
I have a few hours to familiarise myself with the patient's file. I've never watched a real surgery before, so I have a good feeling about it.
"You've been away from work for two weeks." I say.
Danylo sits down next to me and I sip my juice.
"Did you miss me?"
"You?" I say in surprise. "More like was enjoying."
"Yeah," a smile spreads across his face, "admit that you like working with me, darling."
Admit it? Never in my life. I'd rather eat my own shoes.
"So, where have you been?"
"Don't you think you're being a little pushy?"
"Is clingy synonymous with a girl who's interested in her friend's life?"
"Oh, so we're friends now, darley," he looks directly at me, and I move as far away from him as possible.
It seems that neither of us wants to remember what happened yesterday. I don't mind.
"Not really, but we're going to be working together for a long time, so... "
"I went home," he answers shortly, and I notice his expression change.
"Is everything bad?"
"If you call it bad that my father hates me and I hate him, then yes, it's bad, Amelia."
" I'm sorry," I look down.
"I'm not."
I can't imagine what it's like to have a bad relationship with your father. Mine always loved me and took care of me. Although, it's probably better to hate each other than to grow up without a father at all.
"Have you familiarised yourself with the operation?" I change the subject.
"Yes," he nods. "And you?
"Not yet, but my brain is already scrambled," I groan.
Our thirty-year-old patient has a brain tumour that was detected by MRI.
"He was diagnosed with a tumour, he underwent mandatory examination methods, which include determining the activity of tendon reflexes, checking tactile and pain sensitivity," Danylo says calmly, he is not trying to show himself smarter or mock me, he is just explaining to me. "After that, the doctors decided whether he needed surgery or inpatient treatment, conducted a second CT scan of the brain, and the best solution was surgery, so after that they took a biopsy of the tumour and performed histological verification in order to select the optimal regimen for further therapy."
It's hard to focus on the words when they are pronounced by such perfectly red lips. I like the fact that Danylo is not only a good-looking guy who has half the university girls dying for him, but also really smart.
"Thank you," I nod. "You're very smart, has anyone ever told you that?"
"What? Did I hear right? Is that a compliment?" "For the first and last time, just don't get cocky." His smile stretches across his face.
"I'm smart enough, I just like a challenge, darley," he says and winks at me.
I thought we were getting back on track, and here he is, winking at me.
I pull out my phone and see a few texts from Lily.
Lily : Hi, baby. What's up?
Me : We are all preparing for the surgery. How are you?
Lily : You won't believe who asked me out. P.S.: if Ryan Gosling and Ryan Reynolds had a son.
I laugh.
Me : Really, Andrew?
Lily : HELL YEAH, ANDREW, THE HOTTEST GUY ON CAMPUS.
Lily : After Danylo, of course.
I don't respond to messages about Danylo, I just text: "Waiting for details."
***
"It was a difficult operation," I take off my medical coat and sit down on the couch.
All the new interns were sent home to sleep, but someone had to stay overnight. So for some reason, I was the first to volunteer, followed by Danylo.
"It feels like I've been operating," Danylo plops down on the couch next to me.
Silence hangs between us. I know we have a lot to talk about, but right now I just want to be quiet. It feels so good.
I look at the wall in front of me. There's nothing interesting on it, but for some reason I can't stop staring at it as if it were the most interesting thing on the planet.
"When did you realise you wanted to become a doctor?" I put my feet under me.
"When I was a kid," Danylo replies briefly. "And you?
"I'm still not sure if it's the right decision, but other than that, I'm not interested in anything else."
"Since childhood, my father has been saying that I should be a lawyer, he never bothered to raise me, but always dragged me to his business meetings, and the last thing I should have been was a doctor," laughs Danylo.
"It's ironic."
"There is nothing more beautiful than saving someone's life."
"And there is nothing worse than realising that you cannot save everyone's life."
"This world is unfair," Danylo says quietly.
"Painfully unfair," I add quietly.
"When did you lose him?"
There is silence. I blink my eyes, trying to realise if I heard him right, but Danylo doesn't take it back.
"I lost my mother when I was five," he pauses, "that's when I realised I wanted to be a doctor, when doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong with her for months, when I held her hand and she looked into my eyes for the last time, I promised her that I would save thousands of other lives because I couldn't save the only life that was precious to me." Tears come to my eyes. I bite my lip.
"How did you know I had lost someone?"
"I've seen that look in the mirror for years, I know how a person who has lost someone looks."
"I was ten when I lost my father."
I stopped talking. I always filled my thoughts with Denys's death so that I wouldn't kill myself even more by thinking about my father, but now I can't stop. My throat is tight, it hurts to swallow.
"Coronary heart disease," I explain.
"I'm sorry."
I shake my head.
"It's not our fault, we did everything we could for them."
Or not enough. I don't know how a ten-year-old girl and a five-yearold boy could have helped in these situations, but I blame myself all the time for not saving my father. I think Danylo feels the same way.
Danylo looks up at me. He's trying to read me.
"And then?" he continues. "Was there someone else?
I shake my head, and now I am definitely not able to hold back the tears.
"I don't want to talk about it."
Danylo moves closer and hugs me. Gently, not like any other hug.
"No matter what happened back then, you have to move on," he whispers.
"I have no right to."
"Everyone deserves to be happy."
"Just not me."
"You especially deserve to be happy, darley."
"What does your tattoo mean?"
"It reminds me of another terrible day in my life. That day it was raining and a bad thunderstorm, so I decided to get a tattoo of lightning."
"Is this your only tattoo?"
"No. I got my first tattoo when I was sixteen."
"And what exactly was it?"
"The numbers 27.11". That's the day my mom died. And it's also my birthday."
For the rest of the night, Danylo and I barely crossed paths, as I started sorting documents and he studied something in the room.
I don't know how he managed to feel it. To feel me. My pain. To read me like a book. No one had ever managed to do that.
In fifteen minutes, our night internship ends, and we won't see each other until next week. Unless, of course, we run into each other at the university.
I go to the room to change and say goodbye to Danylo, but when I get closer, I stop, he is talking to someone.
"And I love you, babe."
"Yes, I know, I'll be back home now, and we'll go out tonight." My heart is clenching.
Why do I feel bad?
"Bye, sweetheart."
I knock on the door.
"Am I disturbing you?"
"No, I'm just leaving," Danylo gets up and takes his backpack. "See you later," he smiles and leaves.
"See you," I say quietly.
Although I have not slept for more than thirty hours, I do not feel physically tired, but mentally... I have been exhausted for years.
I change my clothes, say goodbye to the staff and go to the dormitory. On the way, I eat a bun and talk to my mom. At the dorm, I barely force myself to take a shower and fall into a deep sleep with the last of my strength.
I dream that this time I will not dream about anyone. I dream of finding peace of mind.
Something similar to what I felt yesterday next to Danylo.