Chapter 23
E xactly twelve days and twenty-two hours have passed since the day
Danylo left the walls of my room. And it was probably the first time in the last two years that I didn't think about Denys, but instead thought about Danylo all the time.
Although at night I still woke up and screamed, but this time it was not because of Denys. Something has changed in me, but I can't quite put my finger on it.
I know that I don't like Danylo, it's simply impossible, and even if I did, I would try my best to extinguish these feelings in myself.
That's basically what I've been doing for the last two weeks. I don't know how to explain this attraction to him. It's not love, but a feeling of... peace? Comfort and protection. That's what it is.
I feel protected with him, I feel something that I can't feel living in this world. I thought I had found the same thing in Timur. I thought that being with him would make me breathe easier, but I was wrong. I cancelled our meeting that Sunday, still avoiding him. I can't give him false hope. I can't and I won't. So rather he thinks I'm weird than fall in love with me.
I will never be able to love anyone. I know that. And Danylo loves someone else with all his heart, so I just need to focus on my studies and work.
I will never again be able to call someone my universe or dream of building my future with them. Because I have no future. People who survive a heart transplant do not live long.
Thirty years to be exact. This is the longest period. But for the most part, few people live more than ten years.
So it won't take me long to find peace again with Denys. And I'm not afraid of it. No one in my family is. They will be happy knowing that my soul is finally at peace.
I promised myself that I would live this life by saving people. I don't need to look for love or anything else in other people, because my only love is already waiting for me.
And so is Danylo. I do not need love from him, and I will never be able to give him this feeling in return. I like how I feel around him, but it will never develop into something more.
I finish my breakfast and go to the hospital. This week I was also busy studying, so I will only work this weekend.
I sign at the reception and enter the staff room.
"Good morning," a familiar voice cuts through the silence of these walls.
"Good morning," I answer quietly.
Danylo is just finishing dressing and putting on his uniform.
"I hope you don't mind if we work together today." I do. Of course, I do.
"No," I answer and put my tea on the table. "Have you changed your mind?"
"The other schedule just doesn't work for me." So he didn't come back because of me.
"I see."
"I'm going on my rounds, I'll wait for you at reception." As usual. Not a suggestion, an order.
But I'm still glad to see him. And I don't mind that my hands are sweating, and my heartbeat is racing. This is a normal reaction, isn't it?
I'm mentally relieved I got rid of that stupid watch on my first day here, because it would probably be ringing like crazy every two minutes from rapid pulse.
I quickly change and catch up with Danylo. He is leaning on the reception desk and looking directly at me.
I swear I just saw an involuntary smile on his face, which immediately disappeared when I smiled back. He's weird, I swear.
"How are you?" Danylo picks up the note.
"Good, and you?"
"Same," he replies briefly.
But I can see that something is wrong. I can feel it.
"I'm getting married next week." I take a breath into my lungs.
"Wow," I am surprised. "Why are you in such a hurry?" Danylo slows his pace.
"Zlata is pregnant," he says quietly, so quietly that I don't even realise what he's saying at first.
I freeze. Time stops, my breath too. He is going to be a father. Danylo is going to be a father. Now everything will change.
"Wow," I repeat, as if all the words I knew had instantly left my mind, "congratulations."
"Thank you," Danylo replies without a hint of joy.
"Is something wrong?"
"Nothing is wrong."
I know he's lying. Danylo clenches his jaw. Every time he does this, he's either annoyed or confused.
"You look tired."
"I am."
Danylo walks over to the window sill. I do the same.
"I am confused. I love Zlata, but this pregnancy and this wedding, everything is driving me crazy. She's six months pregnant, I found out a month ago, but our parents just found out now. They want this wedding, not us."
Sixth. Month. Pregnancy.
"This is normal. Everyone gets excited before a wedding, and even more so when they know they are going to become a father."
"I'm going to be a father," Danylo repeats quietly, "this is probably the first time I've realised I'm going to be a father," Danylo said, emphasising the words.
"I think there is nothing more beautiful than a child from the woman you love."
"Yeah, I guess you're right," he agreed, not quite sure what to make of it.
"Everything will be fine, you'll manage."
"I don't know." Danylo groans and buries his face in his hands. "This is all so hard."
I put my hand on his shoulder.
"Have you ever fallen in love with someone other than Denys?" With you.
But I just shake my head. The last thing Danylo needs to know is that I'm in love with him.
Desperately.
Hopelessly. Devastatingly.
In love with him.
"No, and I don't think I'll ever be able to fall in love again."
"Even if there is a man who falls madly in love with you?"
"I can give him everything, children, joy, happiness, but not love, and it's impossible to live with someone knowing that they will never love you back."
"Why are you so sure of this? That you will never love again?" Because I’m lying.
"Because I know myself."
Because I don't want to destroy your family, Danylo.
"Will Denys be always present in your life? I mean, you'll never be able to forget him?" He looks me straight in the eyes, making sure I'm not lying.
He studies my face, studies my light green eyes, which are looking at him intently.
"Never. And even if I ever meet my love, I still won't love anyone more than Denys."
I know that my words are destroying him. I stab him in his heart and cry desperately inside. But I will not take them back. I will not destroy his family.
Danylo doesn't answer. I don't know what the point of this conversation was, but I can see that he is relieved.
So we get up and finally start working.
I love watching Danylo work. He always focuses on every little detail and checks everything carefully .
I love the way he calmly explains something to me when I don't understand it.
I love when he laughs so hard at my jokes that his body twists, and he doesn't have enough air in his lungs.
I love when he takes an Americano with cold milk in the morning and green tea for me because he knows I don't drink anything else.
I love it when he covers me with a blanket if I fall asleep in the staff room.
I love that he always smells nice.
I love everything about him, except the fact that he will soon get married and have a child.
"I'm about to start drinking caffeine," I groan and sip my green tea.
"I have no doubt about it," Danylo smiles and takes a bite of a ham croissant.
His third croissant in the last ten minutes. This guy's appetite is just too good.
"I propose a truce, and we can be friends again," he suddenly says.
"Friends?" I ask Danylo again.
The last time I agreed to such a proposal, "my friend" died giving me his heart.
"Yes, friends, Amelia. You know, when two people hang out together, talk... "
"I know what friends are, soy un tonto," I answer him in his tone, he speaks Spanish all the time.
Danylo twists with laughter. His face is red, and there is almost no air in his lungs, but he does not stop laughing. His loud laughter fills the entire space.
I am starting to get annoyed. Danylo speaks all the languages of the world and constantly gives me different nicknames. "What?" I ask. "I've started to learn a Spanish too." That's a lie.
"Well done, mi amor, ten points for effort and zero for grammar. Do you even know what you said?"
"Yes," I answer confidently, "I said you're an idiot."
"No, darling, you said you are stupid," he points his finger at me and laughs again.
I blush. I could punch him right here in his beautiful face.
"Okay, darley," he puts one arm around my shoulders, "we are now mejores amigos para siempre.
"What does that mean?" I roll my eyes.
"Best friends forever."