Chapter 26
T he scariest day of the year. My biggest fear. My horror. Tonight, I did not close my eyes for a second, so now I’m standing in the cemetery with flowers in my hands, crying bitterly.
"Forgive me for everything," I sit down by the grave, "I promised that I would not cry, but I miss you so much, Denys."
I look up and wipe away the tears. This year is colder than last year, so I wrap my arms around myself in the hope of warming up a little.
My family knows that I always spend this most horrible day at the cemetery. Sebastian brought me from Kyiv, and now he and our mother are waiting for me at home. I know that when I come back, they won't try to comfort me or support me. Mom will prepare dinner, and Sebastian will set the table. We will sit in silence and talk about various topics, pretending that it’s an ordinary autumn day. Then I'll lock myself in my room and cry into my pillow for a long time, and the day after tomorrow I'll be back at university again, as if it hadn't been the worst two days of my life.
"The internship is going great," I smile, "by the way, Danylo got married last week, he even invited me and Sebastian to the wedding. You won't believe it," I laugh again, "I caught the bride's bouquet, Sebastian said that it was the first step to my new life, and I just pretended that nothing happened."
And although Danylo was smiling all evening, he looked completely broken. We didn't manage to talk about anything, because we were constantly distracted, but I hope everything is okay with him. I know that now he has a lot of responsibility, but his father who also came to the wedding, gave him a flat in the city centre. Although he has a huge house outside the city, so they have not yet decided where they will live. And Zlata's parents promised to help them with everything.
"Everything is as usual with me, but I feel a little better, I am constantly warmed by the hope that someday we will be together again, so this helps me to hold on. My patients love me, and I like treating them, neurosurgery turned out to be interesting, so I'm even thinking about changing my speciality, but it's still too early to talk about it. I know that you look at me and smile with your bright smile, without your support I would be completely discouraged. Yesterday I finished reading a new novel, I know how you always liked to hear them from me, so now I will tell you the whole plot. Brace yourself, this romance broke my heart."
And I begin to tell him the story, sometimes laughing, then crying at the right moments.
And then I hold in my hands the ring that Denys gave me.
"It hurts me to do this, my love, but this is the first step to my new life," I take it from my hand and put it on the grave.
I will never forget him. I will never stop loving him. I will never erase the memories of him from my head.
But I have to live on.
"How are you?"
I receive an SMS from Danylo on my phone. I told him where I was going to disappear for a few days, and since then he has been texting me almost every hour and asking how I am.
Me : Nothing has changed in the last forty minutes.
Danylo : I'm sorry.
Me : Tell me something good.
Danylo : Zlata went to see her friends, and I'm sitting at home and watching a Turkish series.
Danylo : In Turkish. I don't like watching translated movies.
I'm laughing. Now I understand where he has this urge to constantly use foreign words.
Me : Just don't say that you also know Turkish.
Danylo : I'm working on it. Series three and my brain is already boiling, wanna join me darley?
Me : Are you really suggesting that I watch the original Turkish series with you?
Danylo : I agree. It sounds quite strange.
Me : Already on my way.
***
Danylo gave me his address and here I am standing at his door.
I must be doing something wrong in my life.
"You came quickly," he is surprised.
I spent almost seven hours on the road without even explaining to my family why I wanted to return to Kyiv so quickly.
"How do you feel after the wedding?" I smile.
"Unusual." Danylo smiles back.
"The wedding was incredible."
"Yes, it was." He agrees. "I am glad that you came."
I nod. I am grateful that he doesn’t discuss what happened in the forest.
"I wanted to support you."
"You have no idea how much you supported me."
I like our friendship with Danylo. We've become pretty close over the last few weeks and surprisingly, it doesn't push me away like it usually does.
"How do you feel?"
"Better," I purse my lips.
"I am glad to hear it."
Danylo comes to me, becoming almost close to me. His hand rests on my shoulder. I do not immediately realise what is happening.
He takes off my jacket and hangs it on the hanger. I hope Danylo didn't notice that I hardly breathed during this.
He stops for a moment, and we look into each other's eyes.
"Sometimes I think that I made the biggest mistake in my life."
My heart beats faster, and I am glad again that I threw my watch in the garbage, probably, next to Danylo, it would ring every five seconds.
"And what mistake did you make?" I ask, breathing hard.
"The worst. " Danylo answers briefly and goes to the kitchen.
I lean against the wall holding my heart. I haven't felt this for a long time...
This passion. This desire. But I can't feel something for Danylo, can I? To the guy who got married just a week ago.
I try to breathe, to ignore the buzzing between my legs. I already forgot what it's like when a man touches you.
Amelie, pull yourself together.
I run up to Danylo.
But there is nothing left of Danylo, who talked to me five seconds ago.
"Do you like popcorn?" he asks.
"Yeah." I nod confusedly.
"Oh, sorry." He turns to face me. "The popcorn is off, but I can go to the store."
"No need," I stop him. "I didn't come here to eat popcorn."
The main question is why did I come here at all? To watch the Turkish series? Seriously, Amelia?
We sit on the sofa in the living room and Danylo turns on the next series on the TV.
"How much did I miss?"
"Only three episodes, I didn't want to watch without you."
"And what is the series about?"
"As I understood, about the girl and the boy, he is some kind of cool dude and she is poor."
"Informative," I laugh.
"You better watch, you will understand everything yourself," he turns on the series and I try to focus on the series, and not on how close our bodies are to each other.
Five minutes pass and I say:
"Seriously, Danylo? How do you watch it? My head is already spinning."
"Then you get used to it." He explains. "It is always difficult at first." "Who is this? " I ask when a new girl appears in the series.
"I don't know if she is his bride or his girlfriend, but they are together."
"And what about the poor one?"
"They hate each other."
"But they work together?"
"I still haven't fully understood what happened, but yes." "Why don't you turn on the subtitles?" I am surprised.
"Because it's not interesting."
"Ah, well, really, it's much more interesting to watch a series in a language you're completely unfamiliar with," I say and start laughing again.
"Quiet, Ami. " He puts his index finger to his lips and I go back to watching the series again.
When the sixth episode ends, Danylo gets up:
"I'm hungry, I think we have lasagna left, will you?" I didn't realise until now that I was actually hungry too.
"Yes," I nod.
"Two seconds," he says briefly and disappears into the kitchen.
I pick up my phone and answer the text from Sebastian and my mom.
They were worried about me, I didn't get in touch for almost three hours.
"Hold on," Danylo hands me a plate with food, "Do you want to still watching it?"
"Are you still asking? " I exclaim. "Turn it on, of course."
"I knew you would like it," he laughs quietly and turns on the TV series.
I imperceptibly look at him. Danylo wears grey sweatpants and a white T-shirt, everything as usual. He smells like shower gel with a hint of sea breeze, his face is perfectly shaven, even his hair is styled today. However, no matter how good it is for me to be next to him now, tomorrow his wife will return, it is her he will lie down in the same bed, it is her he will kiss and swear his love for. In a few months, Danylo will have a child and I will lose him forever. He is my support, my ray of sunshine in these dark and prickly thorns, my enlightenment, my second chance for a new life. But this should not happen. Never. I will not destroy the family, I will not fall in love with him, I will not try to let him be more into my life, although he has already filled it.
"I feel so good next to you." he says quietly, and I smile, but I don't allow myself to say the same thing in return
These thoughts start to burn in my chest, a feeling as if someone is slowly breaking my bones from the inside, and my heart slowly stops beating. The smile disappears on my face, and my legs are already carrying me to the exit. I don't explain anything, just get dressed and say goodbye to Danylo. I know that we will meet tomorrow, that everything will fall into place, but tonight I will do my best to get him out of my head.