Chapter Five
AMBER
Celine questioned me for a few minutes about why I’d stopped speaking with my family, and the whole time, I just couldn’t figure out how to tell her it was because of Ryan. When I skirted around the idea, she came up with a whole plan to convince them that Ryan was the right man for me.
I didn’t need my parents’ blessing to know he was everything I would ever need. He was my best friend. He was my person —the only person I needed, really.
Nevertheless, we sat in her car, listening to the loud ringing echoing from my phone speaker as we waited for Alissa to answer. Eventually, she did, and my stomach dipped. Her breathing was ragged, and instantly, I knew she was at the gym. She’d been addicted to exercising since our senior year in high school. “I was wondering,” she panted, “when you would call, sis.” Her deep breaths echoed in the SUV.
“You sound busy. Maybe I should call back?” I really didn’t want to do this right now—I wasn’t sure if I could deal with it. Only Alissa could make my heart race in fear. Her tongue lashed out quicker than a scorpion could sting.
“No, no, let’s hear what made you finally call me after… what,” she paused, sucking in a deep breath, “is it three or four months this time?” I cringed.
“Nice to hear you haven’t lost your sarcastic touch, Ali,” I retorted, keeping up a brave front. I could practically see her roll her giant green eyes—a shade darker than mine—in my mind.
“Did you call just to be a bitch, or was there a purpose to this giant waste of my time?” I glanced at Celine, watching her blue eyes widen in shock at my sister’s bluntness.
“I’m getting married.” Silence rang on the other end of the line, and my stomach knotted so much, I thought I was going to be sick.
“Well, I’ll be damned,” Ali finally said. “The heartbreaker finally met her fucking match. Wait… unless you’re engaged to that pathetic soldier. What was his name?”
“Listen here, bitch,” Celine snapped, fury coloring her cheeks, “my brother is a fine man, and I don’t know what stick you shoved up your ass, Alissa, but pull it the fuck back out and stop being a bitch. This isn’t like you.” Celine’s eyes flashed with rage. Her hands shook around the steering wheel as she clutched it tightly. I swallowed thickly. This was what I’d wanted to avoid. My family didn’t like Ryan.
“Hey, Cece! Nice to hear you’re still a bitch, too,” Ali chirped, and I thought back to when the two met for the first time a few years ago. There had been some hostility, but they got along—at least, I thought they did.
Alissa had become cold in the last year after she realized her boyfriend didn’t love her, and she had taken her rage out on everyone around her. But I knew this was going to be a fight—one I couldn’t avoid. And I refused to give up Ryan.
“Ali, stop. Don’t take it out on Celine. It’s not our fault that Dylan turned out to be a real asshat. You should come visit, stay with me for a few weeks. You can help me plan.”
“Have you told everyone else?” Her voice was soft. A squeak of a door echoed through the phone, and I heard birds chirping in the background. The beep of an unlocked car filled the silence as I waited for her to get in the car.
“I told you first, you know, my twin.”
“You sure you want me there with you for a few weeks?” The rumble of her engine started, and then, I heard the soft ticking of an indicator.
I sighed. “You’re my twin. I’ll never not want you around,” I assured her. Even if she was being a grade-A bitch about this. But I was hoping I could get her to come around.
“I’ll book my ticket after you tell Mom and Dad. Good luck with that. They’re still pissed you didn’t call for Christmas.” I cringed. Fuck. I hated this shit.
I loved my family, but it was hard to please all of them. And they’d been horrible to me about Ryan. Why did they assume I’d call for Christmas after the way they spoke about him and our relationship?
“They didn’t call me either,” I retorted, and my sister snorted. “Did they mention that when they were bitching about me?”
“Amber, what’s wrong with you?!” Celine shouted, turning to look from the road to me.
“I’m not getting in the middle of that shit show,” Ali said, and I released a tired sigh. “Let me know when you tell them, and I’ll be there the next day. Can I bring the girls?”
“Yes, but don’t tell them yet.”
“Good luck, sis. Call me later.” And just like that, Alissa hung up, leaving me and Celine in silence.
I had to face my parents now and my two little sisters. The option to hide was no longer a choice. Celine was drumming her fingers against the steering wheel, switching her gaze between me and the red light ahead of us. I knew she’d been itching to say something, but she refrained, and when the light turned green, she accelerated.
Reaching for her overhead display, I connected my phone to the Bluetooth and played some music, hoping to drown out the silence. I was successful when the rest of the drive was spent listening to a random Spotify playlist. My mind was so jumbled, I couldn’t recall any of the songs that’d played by the time we reached my apartment complex.
In the parking garage of my apartment building, Celine parked and turned the car off. I knew this wasn’t part of our planned day. Her silence was no longer an option, and I groaned before she could even open her mouth.
“I really don’t want to talk about it, Cece.” She looked at me, her blue eyes flashing with hurt, mouth open, ready to tell me her opinion, but then, she hesitated.
“Fine,” she snipped. I closed my eyes, so exhausted. “I’ll see you tomorrow at work.” She turned the car on and waited for me to leave.
“Celine, come on.” She wouldn’t even look at me. Her fingers were tight around the steering wheel.
“I’m just trying to be your friend, and you are shutting me and everyone else out,” she retorted.
“That’s not true!” I exclaimed. “It’s just family shit. It doesn’t concern you.” I regretted the words as soon as I said them because the woman sitting beside me wasn’t just my best friend—she was my sister. Pain flashed across her face at my words before the rage settled in once again.
“That’s where you’re wrong, Amber, because you are my family. You’ve shut your real family out, quit your other job, shut down in front of Ryan, and now, you’re trying to kick me out of your life, too. But I won’t let you. You’ll have to try a lot harder than that to get rid of me.”
“I can’t do this with you,” I tiredly responded. My voice sounded as tired as I felt. “You wouldn’t understand with your perfect fucking life,” I angrily bit back at her. Opening the car door, I scrambled to grab my things and quickly slammed the door shut, but Celine was just as fast, and she met me around the back of the car.
“Excuse me?”
I jabbed a finger into her chest, rage unlike anything I’d ever felt before filling every fiber of my being. “You heard me! You have the husband home every fucking night, a big house, parents who don’t expect anything from you, a fancy new car whenever you want one.” I threw my hands up in the air. “And me,” I turned my finger and jabbed it in my chest so hard that it hurt, “I cry myself to sleep every night. I live in a tiny apartment where the walls are paper-thin, and I had to listen to the neighbors having sex almost every night while I slept alone. My car is a few miles away from giving out, and my parents… you’ve never met them. You could never understand the pressure they put on me to be perfect .” My heart was racing, my breaths coming out uneven pants, and the same fear as last night took hold of my body.
She was stunned, her blue eyes wide and glassy with tears. She angrily wiped at a stray tear before crossing her arms over her chest.
“You’re wrong,” she whispered, glancing at one of the neighbors darting past us, grocery bags in hand. “My husband and I almost got a divorce a year after getting married, in case you forgot. My big house is from both Ace and me working our asses off to have something for our family. My parents love you like their own daughter, and I thought after the last six years, you would have noticed that you’re invited to everything—family dinners, holidays, literally everything !” she finally yelled. “I wanted to give you a company car, but you refused!” Her scream echoed in the garage, and I winced.
“Why don’t we take this inside?” I clutched my chest, my heart squeezed and beating too fast. Why was breathing so fucking hard? It’s happening again, was all I could think.
“No, you started it here, and we’re going to finish it right fucking here.” Her whole body was shaking with rage, but I couldn’t move. My head was spinning. The loud thumping of my heart was ringing in my ears, and my thoughts were jumbled.
“Cece, inside please?” I begged in a rasp through a wheeze as I tried to control my sudden, ragged breaths. I noticed a slight change in her as she observed me, but it was too late. My legs buckled, and I crumbled to the ground in a mess of tears.
“Shit, Amber, I’m sorry! Tell me how to fix this!” Her shouting bounced off the walls and pierced my ears as her hands latched onto my arms, her nails biting into my exposed skin.
I wished I knew what to tell her. I wished I knew what I was going through, what was happening to me, but before I could answer her, black dots swarmed my vision, and all I knew was that my head felt too heavy…
Then, everything was blissfully dark.
“When I asked you to talk to her, this isn’t what I fucking meant, Celine.” Ryan’s voice broke through the static in my mind.
“We were talking!” Celine shrieked, and I wanted to cover my ears from the piercing noise.
“Keep your voice down,” Ryan growled. “She’s sleeping, and I want it to stay that way while you and I talk about what just happened.” Ryan’s warm hand suddenly wrapped around mine, and instantly, peace slid through me, relaxing me. Everything screaming in my mind quieted at his gentle touch.
“Fine. I’ll admit that things got out of hand, but shit, Ry, I didn’t know she was having a panic attack. One minute, she was screaming at me, and the next, she just… collapsed. Do you think she hit her head?” Celine sounded worried and terrified.
“No, but I’ve been thinking that maybe the proposal was too soon, and it’s triggered something. I think she’s just… overwhelmed. We wanted this so badly, but…”
“I don’t think so,” Celine protested. “She loves you more than anything.”
“I didn’t say she didn’t love me,” Ryan corrected her. “I just said that it was too soon.” I wanted to tell him he was wrong, that I actually had wanted that proposal years ago, but the thought of opening my eyes and facing them didn’t appeal to me.
“Maybe we should take her to a doctor,” Celine suggested. “I can ask Dr. Alex for a recommendation.”
NO!
I wanted to shake sense into my best friend. Didn’t she understand that if I couldn’t talk to her, my twin, or Ryan, the last thing I wanted to do was speak to a stranger? If anything, my best friend loved to meddle more than she did any actual good. I wished she would just understand that when I was ready, I would talk.
I waited for Ryan’s response, praying that he could read my mind. But instead, there was only silence as he mulled over the thought of me seeing a therapist.
Ryan, it’s me. Please , I silently begged him. You know me. You know I don’t need a doctor.
“I don’t know how to help her,” Ryan finally whispered. My heart broke in my chest. How did we come to this? “Maybe we should both see one?”
Celine and I appeared to be on the same wavelength as we both thought the same question.
“Why?” Celine asked him.
“I’m dealing with my own shit, too, and I don’t want it to become a problem for her. I can’t let my problems drag her down when she’s drowning in her own.”
What was he dealing with? What hadn’t he told me? Why was he keeping secrets from me?
Finally finding the willpower to open my eyes, I stared at the ceiling of our living room, blinking a few times to clear the sleep from my eyes and let them adjust to the afternoon sunlight filtering in through the big window. I sat up, my hand immediately shooting to my head when a dull, persistent throb began.
Ryan’s hand stilled on my leg. His eyes shot between Celine and me before resting on me, his irises glossed over with exhaustion.
“Ames, how are—” Celine didn’t finish her sentence. When I looked at her, I could see the apprehension lining her eyes. She knew something I didn’t, and she’d been keeping secrets from me about Ryan. From the fearful look in her big, blue eyes lined with faded eyeliner and small, barely noticeable black smudges from crying, I knew she’d realized that I had heard everything.
“Does anyone want to fill me in on all of this shit that you’re dealing with?” I asked Ryan. He closed his eyes, inhaling deeply before sighing. “Shit that is apparently too big and scary for me to deal with? I’m the woman you confessed all your love to yesterday!” I exclaimed, tears welling in my eyes. I was as angry as I was upset. “You can’t keep secrets from me, Ryan!”