27. My Own Voice – Elias
My Own Voice
ELIAS
I hadn't intended to bring us here to this path, but I’d lost myself in her.
Every shield around my heart crumbled, and everything I knew vanished.
Everything changed. I gazed at her sleeping beside me on the mossy blanket of our lovemaking, both of us so tired from our rushed journey here that we’d slept the entire day away.
I knew now that I could never follow through with my plan.
Maybe I always had known and had been deceiving myself all along.
Stupid. I’d been such a stupid fool. I was doomed to fail.
I would never have been able to betray her.
Why I ever thought that would be a valid plan was beyond me.
I stared down at her naked body, the silver light of the waning moon casting an ethereal glow across her naked skin.
Her golden hair spilled out around her shoulders, and her soft, rhythmic breathing was steady, soft.
She looked peaceful, so innocent in her sleep.
I had done exactly what I had promised myself I wouldn’t do.
I’d taken this too far. Selfish. Even if I knew I wouldn’t be able to betray her, this would still end in heartache for her, I would still leave her broken.
As I stared down at her, that thing that had been held at bay for so long clicked into place, making her mine in a way I’d always wanted but would never force upon her.
Until now. As we had devoured one another, we’d solidified that mating bond, and she didn’t even know it.
I sat up, running my hands through my hair, frustrated with my selfish act. A sharp sensation rippled through my spine, like the sudden snap of a twig, and I instinctively jerked my head upwards. To the moon.
No. It couldn’t be. It wasn’t time. Not yet.
I jumped to my feet, silently putting distance between Rosemary and me as my bones began to crack. My teeth clenched against the pain of it as my body broke. With a final glance at Rosemary, lying vulnerable on the ground, fear clawed up my throat as the change overtook me.
My fear, my anxiety, must have woken her, because as my shift settled over me, leaving me standing several feet away in my crow form, she jolted awake, her hands wrapping around her chest as she realized how alone she was.
“Elias?” she murmured into the darkness before her gaze found mine, and she studied me.
I cawed, begging her to trust me even in this form. I hopped across the forest floor until I settled along the edge of the mossy bed we had claimed.
“You aren’t Herb,” she said, her head cocking to the side as she studied me. “You’re too thin, and you lack the white mark on your head. Besides, he would never leave Briar.”
Who the hell is Herb?
I wanted to ask, but all I could do was caw.
Her eyes searched the darkness for me as she hurriedly reached for her discarded clothes.
I flew to a nearby branch, determined to watch over her.
In this useless form, I couldn't do much to protect her, but I would remain vigilant.
She snatched up her clothes, putting them on with angry, jerky motions.
Occasionally, her gaze flicked up to meet mine, and I could see the war of emotions playing across her face, fury at discovering what I truly was, yes, but something deeper and more wounded beneath it.
As the night wore on without my return to her side, that fury sharpened into betrayal.
The hurt in her wide eyes cut deeper than any blade.
After a time had passed, she stormed up to the tree I’d chosen for my perch and pointed her finger at me, shaking it as she said, “I don’t know who you are, but you’re not Herb.
This is the second time I’ve seen you though, so I know you're someone or something because you’re following me and I haven’t done anything recently to earn the trust of another crow.
So, who are you, and why are you still here? ”
I’m keeping you safe, I wanted to say. I wanted to scream it in my own voice, but instead…
Caw! Caw! Caw!
“I taught my crow how to communicate with me. He can at least shake his head in yes or no movements. Can you say no?”
Again, I wondered who the hell this Herb was even as I shook my head from side-to-side.
“Good. Now I know that you’re at least an intelligent creature. Maybe you’re what I suspect Herb is. Are you a familiar too?”
I shook my head.
She hummed. “Did you see where Elias went?”
I couldn’t answer that. Not with a simple yes or no movement. Her lips tugged downward, and I shifted my talons against the branch I stood upon.
“Maybe I need to test you first before I deem you an intelligent creature,” she said, her hands on her hips as she stared up at me. “Is my hair pale blond?”
I shook my head.
“Am I a human?”
I shook my head.
“Am I fae?”
I nodded.
“Okay, so you understand at least the basics.” Her brows pinched with worry as she hesitatingly asked, “Did he leave me?”
The way she asked that question practically broke me, and so I fluttered down from the branch until I landed gently on her shoulder.
Using my beak, I carefully pushed some of her hair from her face, then I stared into her wide brown gaze.
Part of me didn’t want her to discover the truth of my existence, but a larger part of me wanted her to know all of me.
Understanding passed over her features, anger and awe mixed together. Her gaze flashed to mine, and then she lifted her arms, her palms scooping me from her shoulder so that she could hold me before her.
"Both times that I have seen you he has been… Are you Elias?" I nodded, and just like that, everything changed. I watched the emotions play across her face, shock, betrayal, hurt.
My barely perceptible nod confirmed what she'd already figured out. I could see her mind working, connecting the pieces. Each of my absences lining up perfectly with this revelation. She had shared every piece of herself with me, and yet, I’d withheld this fundamental piece of myself.
In the end, it turned out I would betray her after all.