Chapter Thirty-Two
The party ended on a somber note after the ambulance took off with Marlin—er, Gordy. Evan and I came back to his apartment, still shaken by the events that took place tonight. Now I’m overcome with anxiety, heartache, and grief—so much grief.
So, remember how I’m a contracted tele-therapist in the off-seasons from camp? I see patients throughout the state of Maine, who seek virtual counseling sessions through an app. There, I see folks of all ages who have endured grief and trauma.
Marlin Masterson Jr.—Gordy, I guess—has been my patient for years.
Due to patient-client confidentiality, I’m bound by an oath to not divulge any information to Evan. I do know, however, that Marlin first came to me when he was feeling particularly grief stricken when he found out that his son was bullying a queer kid at school—who I now suspect is Nikolas.
From there, we delved into his own history, and it’s a particularly shitty one, pardon my language.
I think back to how Evan initially reacted when he found out I knew about Colton, and I didn’t tell him. It sucked knowing I had this information, and yet I couldn’t say a thing. I didn’t realize until tonight, however, that Marlin and Gordy were one and the same.
Now that I do know, I can’t help but feel miserable for both Gordy and Evan.
Both of their histories are so heart-wrenching. Evan was terrified of coming out for decades, because he was tormented throughout his youth by his bully. His bully was abused so badly, it makes me—and I hate even thinking this—glad that Marlin Sr. dropped dead of apparent liver failure years ago.
His father was a terrible alcoholic, from what Gordy has told me.
When he’s released from the hospital—and Evan eventually returns here, once summer’s over—will the two work on mending their pasts together? What if Gordy tells Evan that I’ve known him all along?
Would Evan view that as another betrayal from me?
“You can’t sleep either?” Evan hugs me tighter, resting his bristly chin on my shoulder, as we lie in his bed together. Despite having showered, he still smells of cigarettes, since he was out on his fire escape chain-smoking them earlier.
I shake my head, spinning around to face him. Then, I can’t help it. I start to cry.
I sob uncontrollably—guilt eating me up from the inside out—as I wet his bare chest with my tears. He soothingly rubs a hand up and down my back, comfort I don’t deserve from him right now.
“Babe, hey,” he murmurs, tilting my chin up. He kisses a tear from my cheek. “What are these all about?”
“I can’t—” I start to say, before pulling away. “I’m so sorry. I know you’ve had a lot to take in today. Evan, please don’t hate me.”
“What? What are you talking about, Brooks? Why would I hate you? I could never—”
“You could, and you will,” I say assuredly.
He sits up and scoots next to me, attempting to cradle me in his arms again. I brush him off, though it kills me to do so. I will give in if I find myself wrapped up in his security.
“Why are you doing this?” he asks me, hurt etching his features. “You’re acting like my feelings for you are conditional, or disposable, or something.”
I can’t. I can’t look into those piercing blue eyes of his, those currently so filled with hurt and confusion, and keep something so vital from him. He has to know. He deserves to know, even if it damages my career that I’ve worked so hard for.
“Gordy”—I suck in a breath—“is a junior, isn’t he?”
Evan’s brows furrow. “How did you know that? Yes, he is. He told me he always hated having the same name as his father.
“Marlin…”
The concern lines on his forehead grow deeper. “Yes. Brooks, how do you…?”
“I can’t say,” I tell him pointedly, fixing him with a look. “I’m sure you understand what that means, right?”
He takes a minute, looking lost in thought.
“Oh my fucking god,” Evan finally gasps, rearing back. “You know what happened to him, because you know him. That explains the look and all the weird shit Gordy was saying. You’ve been treating him.”
I don’t reply. I just let my gaze fall downward while I bite my lip.
To my utter shock, Evan respects my oath, and doesn’t press me further. Instead, he wraps his arms around me, and this time I don’t back away. “That’s why you were able to calm him down so much, while I got the ambulance.”
I nod. “And for what it’s worth, I truly do believe he wants to make amends with you, Evan. I don’t feel like he’s just doing it to tick off a box on his healing checklist. Before I even knew it was you, he—well, let’s just say, he wasn’t lying when he said the guilt eats him up inside.”
“You don’t have to tell me more,” Evan reaffirms. “Just knowing that helps. And, for the record? I don’t hate you, Brooks.
I love you. I watched how you handled whatever it was he was going through.
You’re good at what you do. I know you had your doubts after what happened with Kai, but you’re so, so fucking good. ” He kisses my neck.
“Of all the people,” I huff, “how did this happen?”
“Especially lately, I’m inclined to believe that people are put in our paths for a reason, so they can help change our future. I know you changed mine. You’re like my compass.” I feel his smile on the sensitive skin of my neck.
“And you mine,” I tell him. “I can’t believe I didn’t want to date you at first, because I was afraid of falling and getting my heart broken. If anything, you’ve held it carefully and made it whole. You treat me like I’m royalty.”
“That’s because you are, Princess,” he teases, grinning at me. “We’re going to get through all this together, I know it. I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
“Maybe not tonight, because honestly, I’m exhausted, and I think it’s from all my emotions on high… but I think I’m ready,” he admits vaguely.
“For what?” I ask, proud of him already for recognizing and acknowledging his emotional state.
“For you to love me whole. I want you to make love to me, Brooks. I want you to be the one to take me next time. I’m ready.”
“Oh, babe,” I reply, cupping his cheeks and pulling his face towards mine so I can rest my forehead on his. “I will give you whatever you want, when you are ready to be reckless.”
He grins. “I fucking love you.”
“I love you too, Evan Waters.”
The next morning, I wake up startled by just how coarse and minimal Snarf’s fur is, as I pet him while he sleeps on my chest. When I pry my eyelids open, I find I’m not in my bed at all, and it’s not Snarf I’m patting—it’s Evan’s cheek.
He’s adorable—this hypermasculine man all cutesy, sleeping with his face on my chest for a change.
Usually it’s me, and the blessed thing is, he doesn’t ever complain about the drool that ends up crusted in his light chest hair.
In fact, he doesn’t ever really complain at all about anything.
He really is like this giant teddy bear, all wrapped up in a grizzly exterior.
The man laying on me right now, snoring like he’s having lumberjack-with-a-chainsaw dreams, seems pretty damn happy these days—well, aside from yesterday.
Feels odd to hear him tell me that I’m the cause of it, that I’m his compass.
Feels so darn weird to be loved as thoroughly as he’s loved me.
Feels the weirdest to hear him call me his, as if I'm someone worth keeping, and knowing he means it…
because when this man does say something, you know darn well he's being earnest.
I still can’t wrap my head around how all this came to be in just a few short weeks. This summer is flying by far too quickly for my taste. It’s been a blur of work, adventures with the campers, dates with Evan, and injuries—ugh. But above all else, there’s been healing.
Colton and Evan’s relationship is still tenuous at times—because the two of them are still trying to find balance in how much is too much sharing, especially since the two of them were at odds for so long—but they’re making such amazing progress.
In my sessions with Colton, he tells me that he’s feeling so much lighter, and the sense of involvement he’s had at camp has, I can tell, empowered him to feel more responsible.
Evan’s learning how to let go of the idea that his little boy is almost an adult, and is making decent strides at being less overbearing—something I’m especially happy to see, since he had his own baggage to overcome.
His internalized homophobia shaped his whole personality into manhood.
It’s amazing to see how he’s accepted who he is now; he really channeled that take-charge energy of his, and put it towards being proud of who he is.
With me. He’s proud to be with me. With all my flaws and my self-esteem issues, he still chose me, and continues to choose me every day. I don’t even think he realizes just how much he helped me accept my worthiness, my inner strength and beauty. He just sees the outward presentation of that.
Hence, the strip-tease I felt confident in performing for him weeks ago.
Holy heck, I felt so empowered that night.
I felt sensual, and sexy, and… ugh, I loved it.
I love when he can’t take his eyes off me when I’m wearing those outfits for him.
It’s even translated into my everyday wear.
I notice I’ve started reaching into the clothes I’d buried in my closet, when I convinced myself I needed to wear something a little baggier.
It sounds so surface level, but I swear it’s more than just appearances.
He’s helped me make myself a priority, and he’s made me feel so important.
It’s spilled over into all facets of my life.
That’s why I chose the anchor tattoo. For him, just as much as for me.
To remember to stay grounded, and he grounds me.
If he really did have something other-worldly happen to him on the beach that morning, the one where he said Miranda communicated with him—then perhaps I have her and Ry to thank for bringing him to me.