Anna
TRYING TO REMAIN PERIPHERAL, I listen to Betty as she spills out a story to the two men, something about her aunty being interviewed by RTé once.
How humiliating, to have nobody to talk to, at a party in my own home; having to pretend that I am deep in thought, worried we are running out of beer or planning when to bring out the birthday cake so that I don’t get caught eavesdropping on my guests.
I suppose you wouldn’t know what this is like.
Betty looks over her shoulder, perfect chin grazing the perfect collar of her perfect blouse. And she jumps back when she sees me. Like I am a big spider on the floor, about to run up her leg. Like I’m something she needs to be afraid of.
‘Betty, are you having a nice evening?’
I ask, as though I’m surprised to see her, too. A lost, strained sort of laugh fills a space that she doesn’t otherwise know how to fill. She cannot bring herself to talk to me. A fist to my gut.
‘Lovely, thanks.’
She finally manages, flustered, her shoulders up around her ears. I know better than to stand here any longer.
As I turn to go, I find Jack in my eyeline again, pouring himself like a glaze over Teresa Doyle. He has a real talent for trapping women.
I wonder if he has told Teresa about you.
I wonder if I should; or should I fall into the new regime, where you are no longer a person we miss, but a shrieking secret we pretend not to hear?
Shame-tinted. Love-tinted. Your memory has morphed beyond you.
Yes, I might tell Teresa about you. She deserves to have the full picture before entangling herself in Jack.
Even if it would make me look mad. For years, I have been a woman among men; I’m used to looking a little bit mad.
Jack over there in the corner, edging ever closer to a new future with a new woman.
Tipping over the limits of this life and starting something fresh, allowing himself to move on.
Tom through the window, his eyes growing as he listens to Bill, finally with somebody who understands him and wants him.
Even Peggy, dancing around the room with the other children.
And me, an abyss within me that nobody can fill.
A longing that cannot be satisfied. All I want is for Betty to hold on to me. Is that so much to ask?
I feel I might as well not be at my own brother’s birthday party, because nobody seems to notice me. I should have stayed in the bedroom.
Peggy pulls at my dress. How long has she been trying to get my attention? There are tears in her eyes. Bending down, I take her hands in mine.
‘What’s wrong, pet?’
She takes a ruffled breath in, about to spill into crying. And then she puts her arms around me. Something she only ever does with Jack.
He is so close to Teresa Doyle that they might as well be one person.
So close to Teresa Doyle that he has made Peggy cry.
And although she is a world apart from you, right now, Teresa Doyle is filling the space you left.
I peel Peggy off me, needing fresh air. Needing anything but Jack and Teresa in my eyeline.
I leave Peggy behind, shivering; I have to put myself first. That’s what everybody else is doing, isn’t it?