Heart Like Yours

11. Paige

PAIGE

W hatever part of my brain thought that a four-hour car ride with Garrett would be easy was clearly delusional.

I spent the entire first hour talking about anything I could think of, including the freaking weather. Luckily, Garrett seems to be better at keeping his head on straight than I am. Now, we’re about twenty minutes from town and he continues to keep the conversation going. So far, I’ve heard about his time in college and how he met Leo, but it’s his last statement that makes me interrupt him.

“I didn’t know how much I missed city life until I was moving into my apartment fifteen minutes from the financial district.”

I twist in my seat to face him. “Wait, you’re not from New York?”

He shakes his head. “No, I was actually born and raised in Denver, Colorado. I only left to go to college.”

“That’s how you met Dominik?” I question, remembering that his best friend actually started out his hockey career in Denver. Something I only recall because the news of his old team going up for sale made him want to go out for celebratory drinks. Apparently, his old team had been falling apart over his last couple years playing for them and he was hopeful that someone would turn it around.

“Yeah, I’ve known Dominik since we were in elementary school. I think it was about second grade when we became neighbors. After our first playdate, we were basically inseparable.”

I grin, knowing the feeling of being that close to someone. “That’s like me and Lilly. There was no separating us. I probably wouldn’t have made it through high school or college without her.”

“I know that feeling all too well.” Garrett smiles, but there’s a sadness in it that’s not normally there. “Dominik’s family took me in shortly after we met. My parents…well, let’s just say they should have never had a kid. But the Mikelson family quite literally changed my life.”

Unable to resist, I reach across the center console and place my hand on his arm.

“I’m glad you had them,” I choke out before pulling away and facing forward in my seat. Blinking rapidly, I bite the inside of my cheek and take a slow, deep breath in.

Having a crappy family is something I know all too well. However, crying in the car over things neither of us can change won’t do me any good.

The faded blue sign with the gold painted letters welcoming us to Jericho Springs, Vermont, approaches, but I’m lost in my own thoughts. Nerves and dread settle in my stomach like a bowling ball and for the first time since deciding to come up here, I feel like I made the wrong choice.

Not only did my whole world shatter after my mom passed away when I was in middle school, but my dad took it even worse. All I could do was watch him change into a man so opposite from the father who raised me.

For the first few months after losing her, all my family from her side took turns visiting and helping out with me. Those visits became more and more spread out until eventually, they stopped altogether. I don’t blame them. After all, they had lives of their own to return to. Everyone always left with the “call me if you need anything, anything at all” reminders, but the one time I did, my dad was livid.

He had gone out to the local pub, telling me to figure dinner out for myself. It was something he did most nights, and I wasn’t even sure if he knew I was home or not whenever he stumbled back home. That specific night, I had already finished my homework, eaten a peanut butter sandwich for dinner, and had gone to bed when a loud, terrifying crash woke me up. Not thinking twice about why a twelve-year-old girl shouldn’t go outside at night by herself, I ran out the front door and found that my dad had crashed into the mailbox. He was passed out behind the wheel, none the wiser to his accident.

When I couldn’t get him to wake up, I panicked and called my aunt, who lived an hour away. After calming me down and telling me she was on the way, she told me to call the police so they could make sure he was all right. He woke up before anyone else got there and when I told him who was coming, he lost his shit. My dad was able to woo the police and convince my aunt that he swerved to not hit some animal in the road and that I was just a dramatic child.

After that, he and I mostly just ignored each other. He was a drunk asshole ninety-nine percent of the time, so I just made myself scarce, choosing to hang out with Lilly and her family. The only time we interacted was when I needed money for clothes or food, both of which almost always resulted in him telling me I could do without or with less of those things.

Despite all that, I still felt like I had to come check on my dad. To make sure he was alright, even though he’s never done the same for me. I’ve never asked for his affection, even though the loss of it hurt. Some days, the pain from losing who my dad once was, was almost as painful as losing my mom. I was helpless to both, forced to accept that neither of them would be there for me while one was still living.

The car jostles thanks to a pothole I would have warned Garrett about if I weren’t so distracted. It’s been there for as long as I can remember, doomed to be complained about but never fixed.

“Since we still have an hour until check-in, we can grab lunch in town if you want.” I suggest.

“Just tell me where to go.”

Considering I’ve barely spared this place a second thought since leaving, it’s second nature to give directions. Unlike most small towns, our “Main Street” is made up of the middle school, a family-owned auto repair shop, the fire station, and a total of three other businesses.

The Sassy Loon happens to be one of those three. Garrett pulls into the parking lot that’s half filled with the same run-down vehicles that were here when I was in diapers.

“You know,” Garrett starts as he waits for me to join him at the back of the car. “When you said you lived in a small town, I wasn’t expecting…” He motions toward where we pulled in.

“I know.” I laugh. “People definitely don’t come here for the nightlife.”

He steps ahead of me, reaches for the green front door, and holds it open for me. The teenager behind the hostess stand perks up, a welcoming grin stretching across her face.

“Hi! Just the two of you?”

I nod, quickly glancing around the mostly empty pub as we follow her to a table. A few patrons linger at the bar, and an older couple sits at a table by the window. “I’m Jenna. I’ll grab you guys some water and give you a minute to look over the menu. I do need to warn you that I can’t serve alcohol. My eighteenth birthday is two months away, so if you want that, you’ll have to go see my uncle Jay at the bar.” Something about the grin on her face tells me she doesn’t actually mind not being able to serve alcohol and she disappears before I can even say thank you.

“Huh.” I unintentionally muse out loud.

“What?” Garrett asks, picking up his menu.

“Jay has owned this place since I was in diapers. It was his dad’s before that. More times than not, they wouldn’t let anyone under the age of eighteen in without a parent or guardian.”

Jenna breezes through the bar, smiling widely at everyone she passes.

“I didn’t know he had any siblings, let alone a niece.”

Shaking my head, I tear my attention away from Jenna so that I don’t come off as a creep and find Garrett watching me with an amused grin.

“What?” I glance down, wondering if I somehow managed to get something on my shirt already.

He shakes his head. “I grew up in a city with a population over seven hundred thousand people. The only person I knew by name, who didn’t raise or teach me, was my barber.”

“Maybe it’s because I grew up here, but I love the idea that no one would know me. It’s one of the things I love most about living in Tampa. Yeah, I stumble across a familiar face every now and then, but no one who has seen every high and low of my life. Sometimes it’s nice not to have everyone in a restaurant know what it looks like to see you cry.”

Garrett watches me intently, but luckily, Jenna returning with our waters saves me. “Can I get you something to eat? Or do you need a couple more minutes.”

“Is Kenny still cooking?” I inquire.

Jenna’s infectious smile grows even wider. “He is! No matter how many times we tell him that he could retire, the old man refuses to let anyone else grill here.”

“Perfect.” I glance at Garrett. “I’m good if you are.”

He raises a pointed eyebrow at the menu in front of me. “You didn’t even open your menu.”

Bracing my elbows on the table, I rest my chin on top of my hands. “Don’t need to. Kenny grills the absolute best bacon burger and his potato salad is better than sex.”

Jenna chokes out a cough and I flash her an apologetic smile.

“So one bacon burger with a side potato salad. And for you?” Still slightly blushing, she turns to Garrett. I follow her gaze and find him staring at me with an indescribable look. He answers without taking his eyes off me.

“I’ll have the same.”

It’s only when Jenna is well out of hearing distance that Garett says anything.

“Better than sex?”

My face is no doubt crimson red once again. “Yeah. You’ll find out in a few minutes. Kenny makes the best food in town.”

Garrett hums his acknowledgment, but instead of commenting now, he changes the subject.

“What’s your favorite memory from growing up here?” he asks, giving me his full and undivided attention.

I smile, diving into a couple different stories of my favorite café in town, of hanging out with the Garcia sisters at their father’s auto shop and pointing out all the cute boys. While there wasn’t a lot to do here, we always managed to find ways to have fun. Sometimes that meant hanging out at the lake across town. Other times it was chilling at Lilly’s house and binge-watching our favorite shows that made her brothers tease us endlessly. And yet, instead of leaving, they always somehow ended up watching them with us.

We’re both halfway through our burgers, laughing at my cringy teenage stories, when a familiar voice slurs my name. It feels as if ice is injected into my veins and I can’t stop the flinch when the scent of stale alcohol invades my nostrils. The potato salad I had been enjoying turns sour in my stomach and I stiffly set my fork on my plate before turning to the voice.

“Dad.” The word feels foreign on my tongue, which is oddly fitting considering the fact that the man himself is equally so.

“Well, look what the cat dragged in,” he hiccups. “Couldn’t even let your own father know you were in town.”

“I was going to come by and see you once I checked into the hotel.”

“Sure…” He pauses to burp. “Why bother? From the looks of the suit across from you”—he hiccups again—“you don’t need anything from me.”

I rub at my forehead, shielding myself from Garrett’s assessing gaze, and try to placate my father. This was something I had wanted to hide from Garrett, not give him a front row seat to my family shit show.

“I don’t need anything,” I assure him. “I was just going to see how you are doing.”

Isn’t that what normal families are supposed to do at least?

Before he can respond, Jenna pops up beside him.

“Hey, Rob, were you heading out? I can close out your tab if you were.”

She keeps a safe distance while trying to coral him away from us. However, the way she stands her ground and something about her forced smile tells me this isn’t the first time she’s had to deal with my dad drunk.

To no surprise at all, he motions to my plate in front of me with a laugh that turns into a cough.

“I didn’t think you could eat that much.”

“That’s because you never paid attention or helped feed me.”

No, the little bit of money he did make always went to booze.

His eyes narrow and he sways on his feet but somehow remains standing. “Well, you used to complain about the girls in school making fun of your weight. I was just helping your diet.”

My jaw drops at his words. Over the years, I always assumed he was just too drunk to notice my eating habits or just hellbent on spending his money on liquor. So learning that he knew what I was doing and didn’t do anything to help or stop me burns like salt in a wound.

“Diet, Dad? I was starving myself.” My voice sounds small even to my own ears and my blood pounds so heavily I almost don’t catch his next words.

He shrugs, the movement over exaggerated and causing him to stumble. “You’re stronger because of it.”

I blink. Then blink once more as I stare up at the man I haven’t known in years.

There are still very muddled memories of him playing with me and Mom, of the three of us spending summer days at the lake or him taking me out for ice cream. However, the good no longer outweighs his bad.

Squaring my shoulders, I pull the napkin off my lap and meet his glossy eyes. There’s a good chance he doesn’t remember any of this conversation, but I’ve done all I can. I came here, went out of my way to check up on him when he hasn’t even acknowledged me in six years.

“I’m not stronger because of it.” I push my chair out and stand, causing him to stumble back a step. “I’m stronger in spite of everything. But my strength had a price. One that no one should have to pay. It’s not a strength that I starved myself, that I now have an unhealthy relationship with food and suffer the consequences of my past eating habits. It’s not strength to survive despite the fact that the man who raised me turned a blind eye to me. You’re my father. You were supposed to look out for me more than anyone else. Yet no one, aside from Lilly, batted an eye when I skipped a meal.”

The laugh that slips from my lips sounds hysterical. I know Garrett and Jenna are both watching on, the former standing from his own seat as if he plans to step between us, but I can’t stop myself.

“Little did I know you weren’t reacting because you thought it was ‘good’ that I was sick.”

“You weren’t sick.” He scoffs. “Besides, look at you now. Clearly looking good enough to bag this guy.” He waves a hand toward Garrett. My gaze finally leaves my dad and I lose all my breath when I find Garrett glaring at him.

In the few years I’ve known Garrett, I have never seen him look so…pissed. Garrett steps around the table, softening as he moves beside me. My eyes drop to his clenched fists and I probably shouldn’t find him so hot right now. The thought snaps me from my daze and I reach for my purse. Grabbing out more than enough cash to cover our half-eaten lunch and leave a generous tip, I hand it to Jenna before facing my dad.

“I don’t know why I expected things to be different.” I reach for Garrett’s hand, grateful when he lets me straighten out his closed fist and interlock our fingers. Reluctantly, he lets me pull him away.

“I wish it had been you,” my dad calls out after me and I freeze, yanking Garrett to a stop while I process his words. Any remaining affection I had for my father shatters right here in this bar.

Tears well in my eyes, but I hold them back as I glance over my shoulder to look at him one last time.

“Mom would be ashamed to see you now.”

Holding Garrett’s hand like a lifeline, I leave the bar. He doesn’t say anything when I storm past the car, nor when I continue down Main Street. It isn’t until we are approaching the park entrance to the lake that I finally feel like I can breathe. Since it’s the beginning of November, the park is mostly empty, save for a jogger or two and some teenagers farther down who are no doubt playing hooky.

The cool lake breeze washes over me and I finally let out the air from my lungs. Almost immediately, I realize the death grip I have on Garrett.

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry.” I try to let him go, my chest tightening at the idea that I might have been hurting him. He squeezes my hand in his, not painfully, but enough to get my attention.

“It’s okay.” Garrett uses his hold on me to tug me closer. His eyes bounce between mine, assessing me as if he could pry every thought from my head. “It feels stupid to ask, but are you okay?”

I huff out a laugh, stepping into him and dropping my forehead to his chest. “Yes. No. I don’t know,” I grumble, sinking into his hold as he wraps his arms around me. His warmth is welcome, fighting off the chill that was creeping up my spine.

Definitely should have taken the time to find an actual coat. Or not even bothered to come up here at all.

“You don’t have to talk to me about any of it just because I was there,” he says, tracing comforting circles on my back. “But I’m here if you want to.”

Sighing, I linger in his embrace for a moment longer before stepping back. I spot an open swinging bench that overlooks the bay and motion toward it. He takes my hand once more and leads us over. Not once pushing me to say anything, he simply sits beside me and offers silent comfort.

“My mom died when I was in middle school,” I whisper after a few minutes. I stare out over the lake, watching the geese and seagulls stake their claims on the mostly vacant beach. “She had cancer. Fought it for almost three years before we lost her.”

Garrett drapes an arm over my shoulders and pulls me into his side. “I’m so sorry.”

I nod, resting a hand on his thigh, and start tracing random patterns while I continue.

“Thanks. It was rough, but my dad…” I pause, shaking my head. “Looking at everything now. It’s like he died with her. That man back at the bar…he was nothing like that before. I tried to comfort him at first, but a few nights after the funeral, he came home trashed and when he saw me, he just rambled on about how I look too much like her . After that, I just gave him a wide berth. He had alcohol while I had Lilly.”

My vision goes blurry and my heart beats heavily in my chest as I think about the rest.

“I was so ready to go to high school. I had all these ideas in my head of what it would be like. Cute boys, awkward first dates, and parties…” I sigh, dropping my head to his shoulder. “Little did I know that high school girls are brutal.”

“What your dad said about…eating?” Garrett questions gently and if it weren’t for his comforting touch, I doubt I’d be able to open up. But something about being in his arms makes everything about this feel less daunting.

“It started off small at first. Passing comments from a few girls about my shirt being too tight or one too many ‘thunder thigh’ jokes. From there, it escalated. I got invited to hang out with a couple of the ‘popular’ girls one night and we were getting ready to go to a football game. One of the girls said my outfit wasn’t right and told me she’d let me wear one of her skirts but didn’t want me to stretch it out.”

Garrett’s hand tightens on my shoulder, his entire body tensing, but I keep going.

“After that, the other people who were there were more open about their insults. Telling me I would be hot if I lost ten pounds or commenting on my choice of school lunches. If it weren’t for Lilly, I probably would have avoided the cafeteria altogether. It was unhealthy, but at the time, anytime I thought about eating food, all I could think about was gaining weight.” I let out a snort that I should probably be embarrassed by but don’t have it in me. Tipping my head back, I force a smirk up at Garrett. “Guess this explains why I snapped at Mr. Daniels’s team yesterday for you.”

“I mean, they were being assholes and needed to be shut up.” Garrett meets my gaze, worry marring his face. “How are you now? Something like that doesn’t just go away.”

I sigh, dipping my head back down to rest against his shoulder.

“I’m better now. Therapy helps.” I pause, deciding just how open about this I want to be with him and choosing to just dive off the deep end. “There are still times I struggle to remember to eat or can’t bring myself to eat in front of people. Add on that my body doesn’t always give me reminders until my stomach is two seconds from caving in…” I shrug.

“Does it help or bother you when I give you snacks?” Garrett asks gently. “I never want to unintentionally upset you in any way. I just see things I know you like and buy them without a second thought. But if they’re not helping you, I’ll stop.”

His words melt my heart. I wrap an arm around his waist and hug him.

“It helps more than you’ll ever know,” I tell him truthfully.

We swing in silence for a while and even though my toes are starting to get numb, I can’t find it in me to move just yet.

Garrett’s the one who finally speaks.

“You didn’t deserve how he treated you, how any of them did. Yes, your dad was in pain. He had every right to grieve his loss. And while I know all too well what it’s like to have parents who can’t handle the responsibility, he should have been taking care of you. Life can be cruel. Sometimes there’s no rhyme or reason. But that’s not your fault. More often than not, the real monsters hide behind those who promised to never hurt you. People lie, manipulate, and use others all while claiming to be innocent or blaming it on their hardships.” Garrett pulls back, forcing me to look up at him. “But even the shittiest of situations does not give anyone the right to treat someone they claim to love like they’re nothing.”

I swallow thickly, my eyes burning with unshed tears that I fight to hold back.

“I know that now. It’s taken a long time to understand that, but I do. I’ve come to realize that we’re all basically just walking glow sticks.”

His laugh shakes my entire body and the weight that had been pressing down on me since seeing my dad finally begins to ease.

“We’re…glow sticks?” he asks between laughs.

I nod, glancing up at him with a proud smile.

“Yeah, we need to break in order to shine.”

His laughter trails off, and he shakes his head. “There are other ways to shine, you know.”

I shrug. “Maybe so, but in order to get mine, I had to crack.”

Garrett tightens his hold around me, placing a gentle kiss on my forehead.

Deciding I’ve had enough of this pity party, I sit up and pull out my phone to check the time.

“Well, if nothing else, at least my trauma dump helped pass the time.” I show him the clock on my phone. “We should go check in.”

Garrett stands, turning back to me with an outstretched hand. When I slide my hand into his, he lets out a low whistle before tugging me into him.

“Yes, let’s go get you warmed up before you turn into an ice cube.”